• Pair up in As and Bs
• Decide who will be A and who will be B
• As make a fist
• Bs have 10 seconds to open their A-partner’s fist
• Pairs switch roles
• Bs make a fist
• As have 10 seconds to open their B-partner’s fist
Open the Fist
Motives in Conflict
When conflict starts, we all sometimes want to:
• ACCOMMODATE…and keep the peace, preserve harmony.
• ASSERT…and prevail against obstacles.
• ANALYZE…and conserve resources, slow things down.
What is your conflict sequence?
1. As you look at these motives, which one tends
to drive what you do first in conflict?
2. Do you feel like you need to make some type
of decision between two (or all three) when conflict starts?
Wanting to assert oneself
Wanting to analyze
conditionally give in
or defer to others
Wanting to prevail against
Wanting to disengage from
clarify the issue
to give up
The Building Blocks of
Wires get crossed when there is a mismatch
between what the recipient expects and what
the recipient gets
• Tool 1: Align purposes and separate
evaluation, coaching and appreciation as
much as possible
• Tool 2: Reflect on your purpose before a
conversation takes place to help you be
clear during the conversation itself
• Tool 3: Be explicit about what you think the
conversation is about
1. Time spent
2. Loss of Business or Reputation
3. Turnover and Recruitment/Onboarding
4. Missed opportunities
5. Lack of Collaboration
7. Legal and Administrative
Did you consider…
8. Bad Decisions
10. Stress/Health impact
11. Strained Personal Relationships
12. Safety/Risk Management
13. Lack of Engagement/Damaged Morale
The Cost$ of Conflict
can be productive
People go into
conflict only about
things that are
important to them
Conflict is about
a threat to values
Conflict provides an
opportunity to learn what
matters to people and
a chance to make it right
Opposition vs. Conflict
The quality of our relationships
is determined by how we
acknowledge the positive
and address the negative.
Acknowledging the Positive
• What makes a compliment meaningful?
• What constitutes positive feedback?
• How do the motivations and values of the receiver
influence the way a compliment or feedback is
“When you set up the training room yesterday (Behavior), it
saved me some time and headache (Impact). I'm really glad
(Feelings) you did that.”
Write three (3) specific compliments about something recent
and work related using the I-Message model.
• That’s not true!
• I did not!
• That’s not what I said!
• After all I’ve done for you!
• Who are you to judge?
• You don’t understand.
• Wow, you really don’t get me!
• Why don’t you see me for who I
• They don’t appreciate how much I
• That’s nothing like what I am!
• I can’t believe I did that – that’s so
not what I am about.
Trigger Tool: Listen and Label
1. Notice the Trigger
2. Name It
4. Practice Level II Listening
Level I Listening - Listening TO your own:
Level II Listening – Listening FOR the
1. SITUATION – Anchor in place and time
2. BEHAVIOR – Describe observable data and facts
3. IMPACT – Explain effect on yourself and others
4. CAUSE – Find out the other’s perspective
5. ALTERNATIVE – Agree on new ways handling the situation
“Yesterday morning (Situation), when you didn’t set up the training
room (Behavior), we were unprepared when the participants came
into the room, and had to start late (Impact). What happened?
(Cause) What should we do next time to make sure we set up on
Write out an impactful feedback statement using the SBICA model.
We look forward to