Effective Communication: Feedback, Disclosure, and Authenticity

1. Effective Communication
Semira Rahemtulla
February 11, 2016

2. Why am I doing this?

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Common
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

5. Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them;
we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information; absence
of emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??

6. Disclosure & Vulnerability

7. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

8. Feedback & Influence

9. Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/
PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You
know
You
don’t
know
Reactions/Feedback
D
i
s
c
l
o
s
u
r
e
BLIND

10. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal development
2. Team effectiveness
3. To build stronger relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

11. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

12. Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

13. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
SCARF Model

14. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

15. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback

16. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
When you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

17. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Ashvin, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Ashvin, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You
are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Ashvin, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with
this presentation.

18. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

19. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

20. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Learning is better than being right
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”

21. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!
• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance
• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”
– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

22. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious
• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is…… / This matters to me because…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint problem solving

23. Exercise #5: Actual 1:1 Feedback
• 2 min to take notes/prepare:
• Complimentary feedback
• Constructive feedback
• Areas where you want to receive feedback
• Person A goes first and delivers all of their feedback
• Person B asks clarifying questions
• Can have discussions where appropriate
• Then Person B goes and delivers all of their feedback

24. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityFeedback Buddies
1ST Round
Aimee Leo
Ali Jared
Andrew Sana
Ashvin Mike
Charlie Elizabeth
Ilan Ragnar
Megan Samara
2nd Round
Aimee Elizabeth
Ali Mike
Andrew Megan
Ashvin Sana
Charlie Leo
Ilan Jared
Samara Ragnar

25. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
• Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area
• Communication & Management
– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language
choices, communication style in front of others, transparency of
project status, hiring/firing/promotions
• Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact
others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about?
Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?

26. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 