De escalation techniques in relationship

DE-ESCALATION TECHNIQUES
FOR DEFUSING CONFILICTING SITUATIONS www.spiral2grow.com
DEESCALATION
TECHNIQUES
FOR DEFUSING
CONFLICTING
SITUATIONS
www.spiral2grow.com

CONFLICT DE-ESCALATION –
INTRODUCTION (1)
 Conflicting situations are some of the toughest things you’ll
face in your relationships.
 When conflicts begin to deteriorate into angry reaction, they
often stop being productive.
 When people have limited emotional resources, are angry,
stressful or in a negative mood, they become
hypervigilant/extra-sensitive to other people, especially to
other people's anger.

CONFLICT DE-ESCALATION –
INTRODUCTION (2)
 Dealing with angry and aggressive behavior is very challenging.
 Anger is contagious, so when one person says or does
something in an angry manner (intentionally or not), the
recipient responds angrily.
 Your response to aggressive or non-cooperative behavior is
often the key to avoiding a confrontation with someone who
has lost control of his/her behavior.

DE-ESCALATION - DESCRIPTION
 De-escalation is reduction in tension and negative energy
between the parties involved.
 De-escalation is not a single event, but rather a process that
advances in a broad step-by-step fashion to increase or
decrease the pressure within the conflict.
 De-escalation is not natural and requires much awareness,
skill and effort.

THE IMPORTANCE OF DE-ESCALATION
 When emotions intensify, parties involved in the conflict begin
to lose their reason.
 Conflict may spiral out of control and can end up with both
sides suffering "heavy losses."
 When a potentially explosive situation occurs and negative
emotions amplify, de-escalation is needed.
 Given the destructive nature that escalation plays in
relationships, it is important to develop tools and strategies to
limit and reverse this process.

KEY FACTORS TO KEEP IN MIND
WHEN DE-ESCALATING (1)
 The desire for de-escalation is opposite to our survival goals
that drive us to fight, flee or freeze when confronted by a very
angry person.
 De-escalation techniques do not come naturally to us. They
require skills, effort and patience.
 Conflict or anger are natural to human dynamics and in
themselves are not the problem.
 How anger and conflict are expressed and handled would
define if they are a problem or not.

KEY FACTORS TO KEEP IN MIND
WHEN DE-ESCALATING (2)
 Given the right conditions and provocations, and in the absence of
inhibitors or inability to control oneself, anyone is capable of acts
of aggression and even violence.
 As emotionality or anger amplify, reason and logic decline.
 Anger is contagious and the same applies to calmness.
 The main objective of conflict de-escalation is to avoid amplifying
the negative energy and to reduce the level of anger so
constructive discussion becomes possible.
 De-escalation techniques must be learned and practiced
continuously so that they can become “second nature.”
 The underlying source of aggressiveness and anger is being in a
negative situation/position, losing control. Yet, at the deepest level
the underlying reason for anger is fear and suffering.

 Listening is difficult to master, since it is not about us.
 “Active listening" is about deeply understanding
another human being, and genuinely attempting to
put oneself in the other person's situation.
 By simply providing a sounding board and a willing ear,
a person's anger can be dissipated.
 By becoming a better listener, you will improve your
ability to influence, persuade and negotiate.
 Paraphrase what you hear. You may say “Have I heard
it right that….”
01. LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND

 Facts are important, but how a person feels is what
affects him the most.
 Empathize with feelings but not with the behavior.
 Watch and listen carefully for the person’s real
message, especially pay attention to their feelings.
 When people are feeling heard and validated, they feel
that their voice and needs are respected.
 Validation most likely will elicit a positive response.
02. FOCUS ON EXPRESSING
FEELINGS & VALIDATION

 People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser
people remain calm.
 Do all in your power to remain calm.
 Calmness promotes positive energy and reduces
negative energy.
 Calmness brings the level of emotionality down to a
reasonable level.
 When you are calm, poised and respectful, you are
transferring your sense of genuine interest in what
the person wants to communicate to you. Your
message is “I am listening and want to understand
you.”
03. BE CALM AND COLLECTED

 Words are powerful. They can defuse a conflicting
situation if used wisely.
 Be careful in using words that can be interpreted as
aggressive and disrespectful.
 Use other person’s own words and/or paraphrase it.
 Be wise and respond selectively to comments or
questions with the purpose of de-escalation.
 Listen with empathy and try to understand where the
other person is coming from.
 Begin the discussion using a softened startup, the
discussion will most likely end in a more positive note.
04. COMMUNICATE WISELY

 Questions clarify and probe for more information
with the intention of better understanding the other
side.
 Questions shift people away from their negative
emotional state to a more positive one.
 Ask open-ended questions as they allow for more
options to respond and also invite a longer
response.
 Two key words in open-ended questions are “What”
and “How.”
05. ASK QUESTIONS

 When someone is being hostile towards you they are
often expect you to be defensive or aggressive.
 The last thing a hostile person expects is for you to
agree with them. So, use “reverse psychology,” Find
something to agree on, no matter how small it is.
 Starting with agreement reduces the likelihood of
unnecessary resistance.
 Common ground helps create a feeling of
understanding and an atmosphere of collaboration.
 If necessary, broaden your perspective to look at your
common shared values.
06. UNCOVER COMMON GOROUND

 Finding truth in other person perspectives indicate
listening and validation.
 Finding even a grain of truth in other person
statements, can be a very powerful strategy to
calm the other person.
 When you find 1% of that truth in other person
statements and agree with them, the antagonistic
party takes away the resistance and consequently
eliminates the fuel for the fire.
07. FIND TRUTH IN ALL VIEWS

 Avoid making excuses or defending your actions
or position.
 Defensiveness can make the other person feel
angrier and it may escalate the situation.
 During emotionally charged situations do not try
to argue or convince the other person as logical
argument has very little effect during that time.
08. AVOID DEFENSIVNESS

 Criticism hurts, yet when you agree with what you
hear, it is best to simply acknowledge it.
 Sincere apologizing is a statement of acknowledging
that something that took place wasn't right or fair.
 Being sorry about what you have done is letting an
angry person know that you took responsibility.
 An apology can easily deescalate the situation.
 If you communicate that next time you will try to do
better, you portray responsibility for your actions and
willingness to change.
09. ACKNOWLEDGE/APPOLOGIZE
& ASPIRE TO DO BETTER

 Agitated individuals are hyper-sensitive to feeling
judged and disrespected.
 Find compassion in your heart toward the angry
person.
 Compassion promotes unity and de-escalation.
 Avoid being judgmental.
10. BE NON-JUDGMENTAL
& FIND COMPASSION

 Demonstrate an interest in resolving the situation
based on shared goals.
 Pursue a solution, and ask "What can I do to
resolve the situation and make things right?"
 A solution oriented approach requires
collaboration.
 Offer choices and optimism.
11. CONCENTRATE ON SOLUTIONS

 Nonverbal communication is powerful.
 Our body always broadcasts what it feels. Therefore, it
is important to be aware of our body language and
what it communicates.
 Pay attention to your facial expression. Relax your facial
muscles to appear calm and confident.
 Establish "respectful" not "threatening" eye contact, yet
allow the other person to break his/her gaze and look
away.
 Do not make gestures that might be understood as
aggressive moves and avoid dramatic movements with
your hands.
12. PAY ATTENTION TO
BODY LAUNAGUAGE

 Do not get loud or yell, particularly over a
screaming person.
 Wait until the other person takes a break, a
breath; then talk.
 Speak calmly and firmly while using a modulated
and low monotonous tone of voice.
13. MANAGE YOUR TONE OF VOICE

 When arguing, create a greater physical space
between you and the other person.
 The space created can "absorb" some of the
negative energy that is produced by the anger
and irritation.
 Allowing personal space tends to decrease anger
and anxiety and can help you prevent acting-out
behavior.
14. RESPECT PERSONAL SPACE

 When arguing, encourage the angry person to be
seated, as a seating position is less conducive to
amplify anger as compared to a standing position.
 While standing and facing an angry person, it is
recommended to shift one side of your body to a 45
degree angle so that your body is not squared off
directly facing the aggressor.
 Very angry individuals may misinterpret physical
contact or touching as hostile or threatening. Be
conservative in being physical and be careful of
physical touch.
15. BE AWARE OF PHYSICAL
STANCE AND TOUCH

 Assuming in communication is misunderstanding
waiting to happen.
 Do not interpret feelings or thoughts, simply ask.
 Wherever possible, tap into the person’s thinking
mode and ask to understand; ask for feeling,
thoughts, purpose etc.
 People do not attack you while they are explaining
or teaching you what they want you to know.
 ASSUME = To make an 'ASS' out of 'U' and 'ME'
16. DON’T ASSUME OR MINDREAD

 Explain the implications and consequences of
certain behaviors.
 Point out if certain behavior is conducive to your
goals or not.
 Explain the consequences of inappropriate
behavior without threats or anger.
17. EXPLAIN THE CONSEQUNECES

 To be more constructive respond in a non-personal
way.
 Nothing other people do is because of you. It is
because of themselves, specifically because of their
baggage and challenges.
 The reason you don’t need to take things personally
is because it’s not personal.
 When you don't take it personally, you can distance
yourself from your own anger and emotions and
you will find it much easier to deal with the
situation at hand.
18. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

 Assertiveness is a core communication skill.
 Assertiveness means that you express yourself effectively
and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting
the rights and beliefs of others.
 Being assertive can help you build and maintain self
confidence in all situations.
 Integrity, honesty and respect are key elements of
assertiveness.
 De-escalation and assertiveness go hand in hand.
 Identify and ask for the other person’s needs and wants.
19. COMMUNICATE &
ACT ASSERTIVELY

 Setting boundaries prevents escalation of a conflict.
 A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity, clarity,
confidence.
 Healthy boundaries preserve psychological durability
and advance relationships, while having a healthy
sense of control and well-being.
 By setting a clear boundary, you set limits in your
engagement and define the territory of healthy and
non healthy dynamics.
 Setting a boundary empowers you and requires you to
be proactive.
20. SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES

 Showing others dignity and respect amplify
positive feelings and minimize negative feelings.
 The stressed individual might be hyper-sensitive
to feeling of disrespect.
 Respect your word and use your words carefully.
 Avoid words that can be interpreted as
disrespectful.
21. BE RESPECTFUL

22. LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE
& THINK LONG TERM

 Unity is about affirming commonalities and
understanding that when all gain, you gain.
 Without unity, there is little hope for compassion,
justice or peace.
 Anger promotes separateness while compassion
promotes unity.
 When we respect differences and celebrate diversity,
we encourage positive energy and amplify unity.
 Unity promotes collaboration and de-escalation.
23. THINK UNITY

 Prevention is better than a cure. There is no need to wait
until the situation becomes emotional, harsh and painful.
 Catch your anger early and be aware of it in your body, your
feelings and your mind.
 Many conflicting situations can be prevented if you can
notice the subtle change in the person's behavior (facial
expression, body language, communication style etc.) as
the other person is about to become angry.
 Paying attention to these subtle changes and simply
commenting/asking on the changes could help the other
person talk about things so he or she wouldn't have to
become angry.
24. CATCH IT EARLY & RECOGNIZE
EARLY WARNING SIGNS

 Rehearsing a challenging position beforehand is
always advisable and helpful.
 Think about those situations that are upsetting and
practice dealing with those issues ahead of time.
 Rehearse and act the way you aspire to act and the
way you want the encounter to go.
 Think about potential conflict in advance and make
decisions about how you would act.
 Know yourself and know what pushes your buttons
and build your resiliency when facing them.
25. PREPARE YOURSELF &
REHEARSE THE SITUATION

 Allow and even encourage the other person to
vent, voice complaint and criticize.
 Being able to be attentive to the other person
when you are emotional requires patience and
resiliency.
 You might say "Tell me what are you upset or
angry about?" "Please share your feelings and
thoughts."
26. PROMOTE VENTING

 Silence could be very powerful and effective if used
at the right time.
 Sometimes allowing moments of silence can be the
best option during a conflicting situation.
 Silence can give a person a chance to reflect on
what’s happening, and how he or she needs to
proceed.
 At times, anything you say, regardless of the content,
will serve against you. So, during this time it is better
to be silent.
27. TOLEATE SILENCE

 Taking time-out is a critical skill for keeping an
argument from escalating into aggressive behavior.
 If anyone feels emotionally overwhelmed, allow a
time-out.
 If you feel yourself getting extremely upset, politely
ask for a break from the conversation and calm down.
 The person that asks for a time-out is responsible for
suggesting a future time to talk about the conflicting
issue.
 The key for effective use of time-out is to evoke it
before anger flares out of control.
28. USE TIME-OUT AND DISENGAGE
WHEN NECESSARY

 Mastering de-escalation techniques allow you to
deal with conflict and even aggressive or violent
situations in a more constructive way.
 While you can’t control the other person’s behavior,
how you respond to their behavior will have a direct
effect on whether the situation escalates or defuses.
 Avoid overreacting, while remaining calm, rational,
and assertive.
 Use your common sense in choosing a relevant
technique.
SUMMARY

 While no single de-escalation technique will work
on every person or every situation, you can always
find one principle that can be applied to a
particular situation.
 Even if the other person is angry, wants to argue or
fight, you always have the power to disengage and
not participate in the war game (unless it is
necessary as self-defense).
 De-escalation techniques requires learning skills,
continual practice and courage to face difficult
feelings.
SUMMARY CONTINUE

De escalation techniques in relationship

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