Slides from my workshop on "Startup Communication" for 9 pairs of co-founders at Flixster in San Francisco, July 24, 2014.

1. Startup
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Communication
Ed Batista
@ Flixster
July 24, 2014

2. Photo:SethAnderson
Who am I?
Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
www.edbatista.com
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees

3. Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we
1:1 communication
Group norms
You & your colleagues
going?

4. How will we
Concepts
Exercises & debriefs
1:1 feedback
get there?
Photo by Chloe Fan [link]

5. Startups as
human systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Complex group dynamics
Communication = survival
Feedback = learning
Relationships matter
Leaders as levers
Read
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6. Founder as avatar
Avatara
The ideal made real
Company made in your image

7. Concepts #1
Today’s headline
The simplest feedback model
Feelings
The net
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

8. The headline
Feedback is stressful
So criticize with skill
& give more heartfelt praise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
Read
More

9. The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

10. The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model

11. Feelings
Disclosing feelings = vulnerable
But feelings  influence
And vulnerability  closeness
Comfort with discomfort
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

12. The net
David Bradford
How to improve communication?
How to create closeness and connection?
Read
More
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

13. The net
Me You
Your
response
My
behavior
My
intention

14. The net
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
When you do [X], I feel [Y].

15. Concepts #2
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
5 levels
Hierarchy of needs
Safety, trust, intimacy
Social threat
SCARF model
Relationships
The net (again)

16. 5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
In what ways do we communicate?
Increasing levels of difficulty, risk & learning

17. 5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

18. 5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

19. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Abraham Maslow
What motivates us as human beings?

20. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Physiological
Safety
Love & belonging
Esteem
Self-actualization

21. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Parallels in groups & relationships

22. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
Experiments, risk-taking &
vulnerability
Learning, self-
awareness & change
In groups & relationships…

23. Safety, trust,
Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]
intimacy

24. Safety, trust,
intimacy
Safety = I won’t get hurt
Trust = I believe you & you believe me
Intimacy = We can make the private public

25. Safety, trust,
intimacy
Feedback can create these qualities
But there’s a problem…

26. Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?

27. Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat

28. Threat response
aka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Physiological signs?
Photo by State Farm [link]

29. Threat response
aka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Emotional signs?
Photo by State Farm [link]

30. Threat response
aka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Cognitive signs
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
Photo by State Farm [link]

31. Social threat
(Some) social situations ≈ Physical threats
Many times/day
Most common location?

32. Social threat
Physiological/emotional response plus…
Cognitive impairment
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

33. Social threat
Result?
Massive communication failure
We give feedback ineffectively
We receive it poorly
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

34. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF model
Read
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David Rock
What social situations
trigger a threat
response?

35. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF model
David Rock
What social situations trigger a threat response?
How can we minimize the risk of social threat?
How can we create safety?

36. SCARF model
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Read
More

37. Founder as avatar
Think about you and your partner
How might you trigger social threats in others?

38. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
Use the model
When giving feedback…
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship*
Play fair*

39. Use the model
When getting feedback…
Cultivate in-the-moment awareness
Recognize our threat response
Manage our emotions (norms help*)
Create safety for ourselves

40. Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John Gottman
What characterizes successful relationships?
Read
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41. Relationships
Feeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Responding to “bids”
Mutual influence

42. 5:1 positive to negative
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships
& conflict
Photo by Connor Tartar [link]

43. Founder as avatar
Think about your partner
How’s your emotional bank account?
What are you doing to build the relationship?

44. The net
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
(again)

45. The net
How to improve communication?
How to minimize defensiveness?
How can we play fair?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

46. The net
Me You
Your
response
My
behavior
My
intention

47. What I know
Me
My
intention
My
behavior

48. What I don’t
You
Your
response

49. What you know
You
Your
response
My
behavior

50. What you don’t
Me
My
intention

51. Use the model
Intent ≠ impact
My intention doesn’t guarantee your response
Impact ≠ intent
Your response wasn’t necessarily my intention

52. Use the model
When we…
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
When you do [X], I feel [Y].

53. Use the model
Result?
Lower risk of social threat
Less chance of defensiveness
Increased sense of fairness

54. Founder as avatar
Think about your partner
When do you cross their net?
When do they cross yours?

55. To sum up
Photo by Pranav Yaddanapudi [link]
Build safety, trust & intimacy
Use the models
Minimize social threat
Less stressful feedback
More learning

56. Concepts #3
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Emotional intelligence & groups
Talking about feelings
Group norms

57. EQ and groups
Why care?
Effective teams
Participation, cooperation, collaboration
Can’t mandate behavior
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Read
More

58. EQ and groups
Essential conditions…
Mutual trust
Group identity (feeling of belonging)
Group efficacy (belief in value of the team)
Strongly affected by group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

59. EQ and groups
Individual EQ
Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

60. EQ and groups
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Create awareness of emotion
Help regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

61. Founder as avatar
Your behavior = company norms
How aware are you of your emotions?
How well do you regulate your emotions?

62. Talking about
Affect labeling
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Read
More

63. Talking about
Group norms
Norms define what’s normative
Can we talk about feelings here?
Overcome embarrassment
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]

64. Our norms
Photo by jm3 [link]

65. Our norms
Consider company norms
Create awareness of emotions
Help regulate emotions
Read
More
Photo by jm3 [link]

66. We never… We always…
1. Spend time getting to know
others personally.
Norms that create
awareness

67. We never… We always…
2. Regularly ask how others are doing.
Norms that create
awareness

68. We never… We always…
3. Share thoughts and emotions
with others in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

69. We never… We always…
4. Ask others who have been quiet
in a discussion what they think.
Norms that create
awareness

70. We never… We always…
5. Fully explore others’ resistance
to our decisions.
Norms that create
awareness

71. We never… We always…
6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluate
our own effectiveness.
Norms that create
awareness

72. We never… We always…
7. Acknowledge and discuss the feeling
in the group in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

73. We never… We always…
1. Have clear ground rules for productive
behavior in meetings.
Norms that help
regulate

74. We never… We always…
2. Call out behavior that violates
those ground rules.
Norms that help
regulate

75. We never… We always…
3. Express acceptance of
others’ emotions.
Norms that help
regulate

76. We never… We always…
4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team
and the emotions they generate.
Norms that help
regulate

77. We never… We always…
5. Use playfulness to acknowledge
and relieve stress.
Norms that help
regulate

78. We never… We always…
6. Express optimism about
the team’s capabilities.
Norms that help
regulate

79. We never… We always…
7. Provide others with positive
feedback in the moment.
Norms that help
regulate

80. Our norms
What norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]

81. Concepts #4
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Positive feedback
Mindset
Soft start

82. Positive feedback
A paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?
Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]

83. Positive feedback
We may not trust it
We may even resent it
We often praise the wrong things
Read
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84. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start*

85. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to overcome resistance
Use other means of influence

86. Positive feedback
Don’t praise ability
Praise effort and persistence

87. Carol Dweck
How do we feel about our abilities?
How do we feel about our mistakes?
Mindset
Photo by Tuomas Puikkonen [link]
Read
More

88. Talent & intelligence
are inherent traits
Mistakes are failures or
character flaws
Negative emotional
response to mistakes
Talent & intelligence
can be developed
Mistakes are learning
opportunities
Pay close attention to
mistakes & learn
more
Fixed Growth
Mindset
Read
More

89. Soft start
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this

90. Soft start
Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]
Like this

91. Soft start
Begin with positive intent
(But don’t bullshit)
Emphasize mutual goals
Be mindful of your stress
Read
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92. 5 levels (again)
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

93. 5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

94. 5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

95. 1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
Read
More

96. 1:1 feedback
When getting feedback…
Observe your threat response
Ask for specific feedback?

97. 1:1 feedback
When giving feedback…
Positive feedback encouraged
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions

98. Challenge
yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

99. Thank you!
Photo by Brett Casadonte [link]

100. Building a Feedback-Rich Culture
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
My background & coaching practice:
www.edbatista.com/about.html
Contact me:
www.edbatista.com/contact.html
For more info…