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When love is not enough chapter 2
- 1. When Love is Not Enough
- 2. Part II Chapter 2
- 3. attachment An affectional tie with some other differentiated and preferred individual who is usually conceived as stronger and/or wiser - Bowlby
- 4. If mom doesn’t know what to do If-Then attachment suffers She seems inept She comes across as ignorant If mom is in denial about the child’s behavior She appears out of control If the child can make mom angry She appears uncaring If mom is too tired to try to stop the child
- 5. AWESOME MOM!!! You deserve to be treated with honor and respect… “You hug the unhuggable Love the unloveable and have opened your heart And your home to a child That gives little or nothing In return.”
- 7. EYE CONTACT SPEECH PATTERNS MANNERS
- 9. When your child speaks
- 10. When you reply
- 12. EYE CONTACT SPEECH PATTERNS MANNERS
- 13. SPEECH PATTERNS The child should hear what you say the first time The correct response ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ When asking for things The use of ‘we’
- 14. The Correct Response Incorrect Response “Yes, Mom” “No, Mom” “I don’t want to, but I will do it anyway” Grunts Shrugs Incomplete words or phrases Non-words “I don’t know” “I can’t”
- 15. SPEECH PATTERNS The child should hear what you say the first time The correct response ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ When asking for things The use of ‘we’
- 16. “Please” and “Thank you” require special attention YOU Say please or thank you: Do not say please or thank you: When telling the child to do something for himself or the family When asking your child to do something for you personally
- 17. “Please” and “Thank you” require special attention THEM Say please or thank you: Examples of what does not constitute as asking: “I have to go to the bathroom really bad” When asking for something such as for water or bathroom
- 18. SPEECH PATTERNS The child should hear what you say the first time The correct response ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ When asking for things The use of ‘we’
- 19. EYE CONTACT SPEECH PATTERNS MANNERS
- 20. MANNERS
- 21. EATING If it grosses out the folks, they repeat it! Lovingly and firmly excuse them from the table the first time they do it.
- 22. MANNERS
- 23. ACTION NOT ANGER Seat belts on Child does not talk Adult controls the radio Driver selects the air temperature
- 24. Fun food facts CALCIUM PROTEIN VITAMIN B
- 25. Fun food facts CALCIUM PROTEIN VITAMIN B POWER SMOOTHIE by Adam deHoll ½ container frozen orange juice concentrate 1 or 2 bananas A couple of kiwi (other fresh fruit) 2 cups frozen strawberries (or other berries) 1 cup plain or vanilla yogurt 1-2 cups water
Editor's Notes
- If – ThenMom is in denial about the child’s behavior- she is ignorantThe child can make her angry- she doesn’t have controlMom doesn’t stop the child- she doesn’t careMom doesn’t know what to do- she’s ineptIf you let the child walk all over you, then what you are saying is your child is dirt because they are under you… which means you are a doormat and they are the dirt under the doormat.
- This chapter is all about making positive, powerful changes in your home and in your relationship with your child.
- Eye contact is not just looking at your child- it is reaching into their soul with your eyes.Rested, loving, powerful eyes that say to your child “you’re okay. You have me. You’re lucky”
- The Child Must Always Make Eye Contact With You When:Listening *When you call your child – they must always come to you and make eye contact when listening * to practice- Announce that recall practice will begin- sit in a comfortable chair and tell your child to go to their room and expect a call. When they get to their room sweetly say “Benjamin, come here!” When the child arrives in your presence congratulate them on making it the entire distance! Have them return to their room with the directions to return when called, make eye contact and say “yes, mom!” with enthusiasm and respect. This practice can be done whenever it is convenient for you and not necessarily at the moment the child needs correction. Answering *expect eye contact before anything is said. *Turn the radio or any other distracting noise off *Meet their eyes with a smile in your eyes * Then they may speak *They should not yell your name from the other room * Play hide and speak – you hide they find you and say “mom” this always ends with a hug. * Wait silently and complete your sentence when the child looks up * Assist the child with the oxygen supply to their brain by having them do 10 push-ups or jumping jacks * Be sure you are making it easy to look into your eyes because of the love you hold there * If you expect a child to maintain eye contact when you have lost control and are angry you are undoing the work you are trying to accomplish.When You Reply:Do not be distracted with other workTurn the radio/other distracting noise offHave them physically looking up at you *It is much more powerful to have your child physically looking up at you rather than you being in a lower position. Healthy children when they are hurt or fearful are met with kneeling down to their level and comforting them. Children with attachment problems are not comforted by an adult coming down to their level- they feel safer when an adult comes from a position of power. If they have a strong adult to bond to the child will feel safer not intimidated.
- The child should hear what you say the first timePowerful parents do not repeat themselvesGive them more oxygen to get their brain in gear 10-15 A+ jumping jacksThen ask what did I just sayIf they still don’t know have them do another 10 or 15 to be sure their brain is engaged before repeating yourselfListening exercises are also helpfulWhisper something several times throughout the day when your child is nearby such as:“do you want some candy?” when they answer, congratulate them on their excellent hearing and enjoy the candy or ice cream together The correct responseNext page
- ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’Next page When asking for things The use of ‘we’
- When asking your child to do something for you personally * Please get me…When telling the child to do something for himself or the family * ”I want you to go clean your room, got it?” * Asking “okay” is asking their permission- make it clear that it is a direction not a request. * If they reply “okay” they are saying ‘it’s okay with them if they do what you said’ it is not as respectful as “yes, mom” *”Yes Ma’am” is too distant for use with their mom and not as connecting it makes children feel unwanted and unaccepted.
- When asking for something such as for water or bathroom * Yes they have to ask
- The use of ‘we’ can be a problemDo not align yourself with their misbehavior- it weakens your position.See pg 62
- Establish respect through manners:No discussion- a family is not a democracy
- Being helpful and thoughtful Should begin before your child reaches the age of 5 (open doors, and carry packages for parents)Walking Is done next to, not in front of the adult. They should be given permission to walk in front when going up and down stairs. It is very easy to grab an adult leg and yank to create a disaster.EatingSee next pageOn the phoneRespect for propertyIn the car
- * They can finish eating by themselves at the picnic table, in the laundry room etc.* Be sure and celebrate with hugs and pizzazz when they make it through the whole meal with the family.*TV not for meal times* Respectful children ask to be excused, then clear their place and prepare to help clean the kitchen.
- On the phone *Children should not answer the phone or door until they are old enough to take efficient messages and handle whatever may occur * it is a privilege- make sure they have earned it *Have them wait in their “think-within-spot”- I will talk more about this later *During the first 6mo let the machine pick it up so you can stay focused on the child.Respect for property *feet on furniture: make them stand * No Explanation * Rudeness such as walking on the grass instead of using the sidewalk- put them in charge of part of the lawn care to learn how much work is involved.
- Car manners can be a control issue and a power drain- BE READYWhen it becomes dangerous the distraction needs to be dealt with to ensure the safety of all occupantsAn out of control child should not be taken anywhere in a car unless it is absolutely necessaryWhen the child first begins to escalate the driver needs to halt the vehicle immediately. Do not wait until foam is coming from your clenched teeth- one boy actually kicked out the windshield while his mother was driving on the interstateBoth hands on top of the head for a short while keeps busy hands out of troubleSeat belt on- immediately – and stay on. The child does not talk in the car unless you (or another adult) speak to the child and expect an answerIf challenged: the child holds one hand over their mouthChallenged again: Two hands over the mouthThird time: Child puts their forehead on their kneesAdditional challenge- pull over and stop the car, go home if necessaryAdult controls the radio and the air temperature/window positioningA polite request for more heat or air from the munchkin crew will of course be taken into account
- Due to the high stress levels caused by flashbacks and self induced tension, children with Attachment Disorder often have nutritional deficiencies because they don’t digest well. In order to heal their behavior and their heart we have to also heal their body by providing the nutrients they need to rebuild and grow.Calcium deficiency causes sleeplessness and erratic behaviorVitamin B deficiency causes jumpiness and disturbed thought patternsProtein deficiencies can create an inability to focus (looks like ADD)