For the next few months, our parents will have the opportunity to go through Good Enough Parenting! While we've done this series before, we'll be experiencing a fresh take on how to truly meet our teen's core emotional needs as they grow and mature! You do not want to miss this time!

3. Felix & Margie Cook
Gene & Gloria Davis

4. Mckenzie,
Chandler & Alexis

5. SESSION ONE:
INTRODUCTION

6. “GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING” MODEL
The Interplay of the Different Factors on the Outcome
of Parenting

7. Parenting matters…
self-esteem story

8. Your
Marriage
Matters

9. “The best gift a man can give his
children is to love their mother.”

10. MOVIE MOMENT
Catch Me If You Can
Quality of Marriage
Affects Parenting

12. MOVIE MOMENT
Catch Me If You Can
Quality of Marriage
Affects Parenting

14. And eventually he was
sentenced to twelve years in
prison in solitary confinement!
All of this started because of
the break-up of his parents’
marriage!

15. We are a combination of:
- Temperament
- Environment
- Core Needs Met
- God’s Grace!
Additionally…

16. Our inborn
emotional makeup:
it is the way we are
built to interact with
our world
Temperament

17. Birth order
Birthplace
Culture
Neighborhood
Type of school
Environment

18. “GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING” MODEL
The Interplay of the Different Factors on the
Outcome of Parenting

19. Core Needs that Were Met

20. God’s Grace

21. Core Emotional Needs
1. Connection & Acceptance
2. Healthy Autonomy & Performance
3. Reasonable Limits
4. Realistic Expectations
Plus one: Spiritual Values & Community

22. What are “Core Emotional
Needs” (CEN)?
Needs required in order to
maintain healthy relationships
and not hurt others or self.

23. When core emotional needs are not
met, children feel exasperated and
discouraged. Lifetraps (maladaptive
schemas) develop, and coping
styles become more pronounced.
What Happens When
CEN Are Not Met?

26. CONNECTION AND ACCEPTANCE

27. HEALTHY AUTONOMY

28. REASONABLE
LIMITS

29. REALISTIC
EXPECTATIONS

30. SPIRITUAL VALUES AND COMMUNITY

32. EXASPERATION INTERACTIONS

33. Exasperation Interactions
1. Belittling
2. Perfectionistic and Conditional
3. Controlling
4. Punitive
5. Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting
6. Overprotective
7. Pessimistic
8. Overly Permissive

34. Research Reveals
Study in 2006 by Harvard Medical School
and McLean Hospital highlighted that
demeaning or belittling words contribute
more to children’s dysfunction than harsh
physical punishment!
Good Enough Parenting, page 51

35. 1.Belittling
When parents make fun of their
children, call them names, make
derogatory remarks, disparage
their looks, or humiliate them,
…children will feel belittled.

36.
Examples of Belittling Statements
“If you don’t improve your grades, how will you fit
in the family?”
“No one will want to marry you if you act
like that”
“You have the table manners of a pig.”

37.
Examples of Belittling Statements
To sons…
“Big boys don’t cry.
“Stop acting like a girl…”
“Take it like a man.”

38. 2.Perfectionisticand
Conditional

39. Examples of Perfectionistic and
Conditional Statements
“I hope you feel terrible about your grades. Do you
have any idea how this made us feel?”
“I have no tolerance when you focus on your
feelings. It makes you look weak.”
“You are too easily satisfied. This is your problem.”

40. Examples of Perfectionistic and
Conditional Statements
“Do you have any idea how much we have sacrificed
for you? Do you know how we feel when you don’t score
top grades?” (or come in first at the swimming
competition or whatever.)
“Stop wasting time going out with your friends. Get
serious with your tennis (or soccer/ballet, etc.) and be
productive.”

41. 3.Controlling
Parents who exasperate their
children in this way may be
driven by the enmeshment
lifetrap or the desire to control.
They will not permit their
children to feel differently from
them, but rather dictate how
they should feel and think.

42.
Controlling
Needless to say, parents who are ultra
controlling (and parents who are
enmeshed) are usually clueless about
how their interactions exasperate their
children.

43.
.Punitive
You know that parents are
exasperating with punitiveness
when children feel that they are
punished for everything they do
wrong or made to feel guilty
repeatedly for past mistakes.

44. Examples of Punitive Statements
“Stop crying and get happy now or else I will
spank you! Now!”
“If you are going to be quiet and sad, then
go to your room and forget about having
dinner together. Come out when you are
happy.”
There is very little sense of grace and mercy;
more emphasis on “justice” and “truth”.

45. 5.EmotionallyDepriving
andInhibiting

46.
Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting
They do not like loud noise, including children
crying. Their philosophy is, “Children are to be
seen and not heard”. They feel uncomfortable
with both the high and low emotions – they do
not encourage children to laugh out loud, play
loud games, or have friends over often, and…

47.
Examples of Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting Statements
“We know best. So just listen and obey.”
“If you are going to talk about your feelings,
tell your mother.” (father talking to his
children).
“Take life as it comes. Life is like that
unfortunately. These things happen.”

48. Examples of Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting
Statements
“Just forget it when people hurt you. It is not a
big deal.”
“Why are you so excited? Calm down.”
“What did you do wrong first? Admit that
before anything, otherwise let’s not talk
about your feelings.”

49. Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting
There are other reasons why a
parent may emotionally deprive
their children. Being busy with work
or being depressed in their
marriage can contribute to this.

50. MOVIE MOMENT
Rocky V
Rocky is medically unfit after many
injuries, and has been made a bankrupt
by unscrupulous accountants! He used to
be close to his son, but in his eagerness
to train up Tommy Gunn, his new
protégé, he neglects his son.

52. MOVIE MOMENT
Rocky V
The son gets revenge on the bullies who
stole his leather jacket and taunt him
daily in the new neighbourhood…

54. 6.
Overprotective
Parents who are over protective will
get excessively worried about their
children for the smallest of issues. They
will create scenarios that are
unrealistic and then convey these to
their children, or at least react in such
a manner that it would be obvious
that they are over-reacting.

55. MOVIE MOMENT
Finding Nemo

57.
Overprotective
Eventually the children may become like them
and over-react, too. Children can feel frustrated
getting exposed to such constant signals from
their parents. They then hang out with their
friends much more than they would with their
parents, or they surrender to their parents’ fears
and become stay-at-home worry warts.

58.
Overprotective
When parents are
over protective, it is
hard for kids to
believe in themselves.

59. 7.Pessimistic
Children become
exasperated
when they
repeatedly hear
that the glass is
always half empty,
not half full.

60.
8.OverlyPermissive
Parents who are overly permissive are not
available, or too busy doing their own
thing. Sometimes the parents feel guilty for
not getting involved with their children, so
they over react by not expecting the kids
to respect boundaries or learn proper
discipline. They are not there to talk about
the difficult issues that their children are
going through….Eventually when children
do not feel guided by their parents.

61. Examples of Overly Permissive
Statements
“Sorry, I am too busy. You need to learn to deal with your
ups and downs yourself. You’re almost a grown up.”
“If you are feeling angry, just let it all out. Then you will
feel better.”
“I am sorry you feel that way. It is my fault. I am a lousy
parent.” (Or parents thinking this instead of saying it).

62. Examples of Overly Permissive
Statements
“If you just leave your feelings aside,
they will go away. Time will heal your
wounds.”
“Sorry, you feel sad. Want to watch
TV? There’s something really fun on
now.”
“Have some ice cream. That is the
best way to take your sadness away
and make you feel better.”

63. Overly Permissive
Children whose parents are permissive
feel that their parents were just not there
for them and were too busy doing their
own thing, leaving them to figure out how
to manage and control their lives. This can
easily cause them to not feel connected
with their parent and create resentment
and frustration in them.

64. MOVIE MOMENT
The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
Baby powder and diaper change
If anyone had an excuse to engage in
Exasperation Interactions, it would
be this mother of ten children whose
husband “drank” his paycheck!

67. End of Session One