Jack Goodytwoshoes and his family confront Cypress Vetinari about his murderous activities. They offer him a choice between a swift death or lifelong imprisonment under constant watch by Goodytwoshoes ghosts. Cypress refuses these options and tries to manipulate Dinadan into helping him escape. Jack remains firm that Cypress will stay imprisoned. Later, the Grim Reaper arrives to collect Cypress, having been scheduled for pickup.

1. The Squeaky Clean Legacy
By Professor Butters
Chapter 15.3: Death on a Cracker

2. Welcome back to the Squeaky Clean Legacy. We're not going to be able to do a recap this time, sorry,
but we can provide a reminder. . .

3. . . .

4. Location: ?

5. Cecil: I thought we could discuss this like gentlemen.

6. Grim: THERE IS NOTHING TO DISCUSS.

7. Grim: YOU PLED.
Cecil: I did not.
Grim: YOU DID TOO.

8. Grim: YOU SNIVELED AND GROVELED. . .

9. Grim: . . .AND FINALLY YOU LOST.

10. Grim: THERE IS NOTHING TO DISCUSS. YOU CANNOT BARGAIN WITH DEATH.

11. Cecil: Perhaps not. But I can sue.

12. Grim: YOU CANNOT SUE DEATH, EITHER.

13. . . . actually, I believe you'll find that he can.

14. Dustcough: Allow us to introduce ourselves. Screwtape Dustcough. . .
Scuffle: Wormwood Scuffle. . .
Dustcough: Attorneys at Law.

15. Grim: YOU HAVE DEMONS FOR ATTORNEYS?

16. Cecil: I find that excellent legal representation is a truly worthwhile investment, do you not? Naturally,
their billable time is somewhat expensive, but fortunately expense is not an object I need concern myself
about.

17. Dustcough: As perhaps you are aware, Mr. Reaper, the Squeaky Clean Legacy is a very low-casualty one.
There have been perhaps four or five non-natural, non-permaplat deaths in the course of eight
generations. If you will consult your contract, you will find that you are considerably over quota and have
thus become liable to a punitive fine.

18. Dustcough: Furthermore, since the casualties have come disproportionately from Mr. Goodytwoshoes'
family, he is entitled to sue you for damages.
Scuffle: SUBSTANTIAL damages.
Dustcough: SUBSTANTIAL damages.

19. Grim: OH, CRAP.

20. Cecil: I am, however, not unamenable to the possibility of settling out of court and avoiding a protracted
legal dispute. Shall we say, then, the return of Max to mortal existance, in exchange for which you shall
not be sued down to the floaty black garments?

21. Grim: I CANNOT. I CANNOT BEGIN A PRECEDENT OF RETURNING PEOPLE FROM THE DEAD. IT WOULD
BE AWKWARD. IT WOULD CAUSE TALK. I REQUIRE PAYMENT, AND A LIFE TO BALANCE THE BOOKS.

22. Cecil: Hmmmm. Admittedly crude, but perhaps something can be arranged. I presume, then, that you
accept the settlement offer.

23. Dustcough: Was there anything further you wanted to add, Mr. Reaper?
Grim: YES. TELL SPIDER JERUSALEM DADDY SAYS HI AND THAT HE IS SORRY HE MISSED HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dustcough: We'll be happy to pass on the message. And it was a pleasure doing business with you.

26. Cecil: Max.

27. Cecil: You young fool.

28. Cecil: How dare you. How dare you jeopardize the patient work of two generations?

29. Cecil: Furthermore, how dare you desert your mother?

30. Cecil: Forgive me. I have become heated. Nevertheless, I am disappointed in you. You appear to have
learned nothing.

31. Max: On the contrary. I have learned a good deal, Grandpapa. I have learned far more than you realize.

32. Max: When I spoke to Uncle Lytton, he suggested that you had intentions from the time you yourself
were a child. Since you did not appear to be interested in avenging my papa, nor in regaining control of
the Legacy family, I wanted to know what that intent was.

33. Max: I became friends with my cousin Achilles. I searched for anything left from your childhood. And
finally I found your own notes for a speech: a speech that evidently no one had heard or listened to.

34. Cecil: My father may have lost his empire, but I intend to make a new one, and what better way than by
aggrandizing that of other peoples? This is my dream: from Veronaville in the north to Strangetown in
the south, it shall be all Cecil's.

35. Max: That was your goal: Empire. The Legacy house was a means to an end. You were never interested in
something as petty as a mere Legacy takeover. You were going to acquire the entire Sim world, and
*improve* it for its own good.
Cecil: From Simland's icy mountains, from Twikki's coral strand,
Where Simric's soapy fountains roll down their golden sand,
From Veronaville's ancient rivers, from Strangetown's desert plain,
Sims call us to deliver themselves from error's chain.
Deliver them from naughty bits, from anti-censor blur,
From meshes that destroy Wright's lines between Sim him and her,
We'll triumph and deliver them from shameful ACR;
And roasters by Pescado: some things just GO TOO FAR.
____
Adaptation of the missionary hymn "From Greenland's Icy Mountains." Apologies to Reginald Heber.

36. Cecil: Mother is the is, Emerald is the Shall Be; I, neglected Cecil, inevitably Must.
___
More apologies to W. S. Gilbert.

37. Max: You tried to replace Sophia with Mama, with, I'm sure, the best of intentions. And when that did not
go according to plan, you sought elsewhere.

38. Max: You took me with you.

40. Max: And that was when I learned about the diamond mines.

41. Max: I admire your persistence, Grandpapa. Not everyone is insane enough to look for diamonds at the
very foot of a volcano.

42. Max: And of those mad enough to try, I think you are the only one ever to have found them.

43. Max: With limitless wealth at your disposal and your own efforts, you would be able to colonize the
entire Sim world as you planned. That would naturally, eventually, include the rest of the
Goodytwoshoes, and whatever remains of Rome, and countless dozens of which I admittedly know
nothing.

44. Max: And someday, you believe, they will thank you.

45. Max: I kept my word. I was silent. I have tried not to flaunt fabulous wealth, although I believe Achilles
suspects something.

46. Max: You ought perhaps to have considered who you were doing all this for. Who is going to inherit your
Empire, Grandpapa? I do not want it.

47. Max: One might even say that your colossal efforts and ruthless sacrifice of yourself and everyone
around you have been a complete waste of time.

48. Max: And while we are having this moment of elucidation, Grandpapa. . . .

49. Max: Mama is never going to get better. I thought you might like to know.

50. Max: Grandpapa?

51. Max: Grandpapa?

52. Max: Grandpapa, this is not something you can turn your back on and ignore.

53. Max: . . . coward.

55. (Yes, I promise we will return to Penelope's college life. All in good time.)

56. At the Goodytwoshoes house, Jack has acquired a new cat, Smores, and begun to train him in
preparation for breeding the next generation of Squeaky Clean Cats.

57. Dinadan: It feels wrong to barge in uninvited.
Brody: I gave Penelope my word that we would tell her parents.
Spider Jerusalem: Besides, barging is good. You should try it sometime.

58. Brody: Man. I'd forgotten how *pink* it was in here.

59. Jack: Ah. You must be Penelope's three. . .
*biff*
Sophia: . . . friends we've heard so much about.
Jack: It was not necessary to make painful contact between our pedal extremities, my cherub. To what
do we owe the pleasure?

60. Spider: More awkward than I thought it was going to be.
Brody: You're right, Jack. We are Penelope's friends. And we wanted to let you know that Cypress
Vetinari has been coming closer and closer to your family.
Spider: It's my fault. He wouldn't be here if it weren't for me.

61. Jack: I do not believe you can consider yourself liable for your unesteemed relation's homicidal activities,
Mr. Vetinari. In point of fact, I have reason to believe that Cypress Vetinari's original point of contact was
not yourself at all, but Mr. Cecil Goodytwoshoes. He is reticent about explaining the origin of their
acquaintance, but numerous attempts to gain his cooperation have culminated in the death or near-
death of his entire family.
. . . he is naturally, as one might put it, miffed.

62. Jack: In all events, I am well aware of the circumstances to which you three gentlemen have alluded and
already intend to, ah, speak to Mr. Cypress Vetinari. Was there, in fact, anything else you have to
communicate?

63. Sophia: Mr. Locks? You have been extremely quiet.

64. Dinadan: We would like to be of service to our friend. And her family.

66. Brody: That pretty much sums it up.
Spider Jerusalem: Yeah, it does.

67. Jack: Then I need have no hesitation in asking your assistance.
Sophia: Jack. . .
Jack: It is unwise to disdain the aid of the loyal, my eggnog of delight. We will, then, call on Mr. Cypress
Vetinari this evening.

68. Jack: I think it would be advisable for you not to accompany us, Mr. Vetinari. You bear no responsibility
for the behavior of your supposed parent, and I do not wish for you to feel any culpability for actions
that may result should matters take an unpleasant turn.

69. Spider Jerusalem does, however, take the opportunity to meet a few Goodytwoshoes ghosts.

70. Killick: An' so then Ruby and I. . .I call 'er Ruby acos I were married to her, see. . . we seed this )*&*(^&in'
huge wooden bear. An' then we went an' threw axes, see, an' you wouldna believed it, sir, but she
*&)&$#in' bullseyed it every &%$((*^in' time. Them Goodytwoshoes wimmin, they looks all pink an'
fluffy, but they is a deadeye wit' a axe.
Dinadan: . . . ok.

71. Cypress: Spit it out, Jack. I don't have time for long windy sentences. I got enough of that from Cecil.

72. Jack: I shall employ what verbal methodology I find most apt and euphonious without imploring any
editorial critique from you. In point of fact. . .

73. Jack: . . . It is you whom we desire to speak. And, though it scarcely seems possible, to explain and justify.

74. Cypress: I see you brought the girls along. Couldn't handle it yourself?
Sophia: We're the heiresses. It's our family.
Penelope: Of course we're here.

75. Cypress: So you're the what, matriarch of this fluffy pink little world? In a plunging neckline.
Sophia: I don't think we've been properly introduced.

76. Sophia: Let me fix that. I am Sophia Goodytwoshoes. I will thank you to keep your eyes up when you are
speaking to me. You broke my poor cousin Cecilia.

77. Sophia: I'm not quite as fragile. There seem to be all sorts of large, pointy, and heavy objects in your
house. Don't make me use them.

78. Cypress: Scared of me?
Penelope: Not really, no. Why?

79. Jack: You would appear to be cornered, Mr. Vetinari. My darling sugar cube Sophia feels you have
deserved death. I assure you that if this were Pirate Island, we would not be having this discussion.
But as you are aware, the Goodytwoshoes do not engage in murder. It is a charming family tradition I
feel honor bound to maintain.

80. Jack: On the other hand, you cannot be permitted to commit mayhem as you have done. I offer you two
modes by which you may be rendered harmless.
You may choose a swift and painless death. Or you may choose never to leave this small house again,
ceaselessly watched by the countless unplayed Goodytwoshoes. There are quite a number of them, and
they are eager to be of service.

81. Jack: It is up to you.

82. Cypress: And what if I choose neither, hmmm? I say "oooo, no, don't KILL me, I don't want to." Do you
think I'm stupid? Do you think I couldn't figure a way out of here?
People who underestimate me get very, very dead.

83. Jack: I have offered you a choice. I shall not renege, as much as I might like to.

84. Brody: I don't think you should underestimate us, either. We're survivors. We're a lot tougher than you
think.
Dinadan: You might be surprised. I wouldn't like to say pleasantly or unpleasantly, of course. That would
be up to you.

85. Cypress: Look. Don't be unreasonable, Legacina. This isn't your fight. I don't see why you have to get
involved, unless you want to be involved, though I can think of some reasons you might want to be
involved here in this room.
I just like seeing some different deaths once in a while, y'know? It's fun. You're Knowledge. You get me.
Brody: No, actually, I don't. I lost enough family members to people who think like you.

86. Brody: I do not believe the nerve of this guy.

87. Cypress: Locks, you are such a Family Sim, it hurts me to look at you. Forget the secrets of life and death,
I can see you don't like the death stuff at all. Here's a deal for you. You get me out of here, I don't hurt
the girl.
. . . how about, I get you the girl. I kidnap her, her family goes through the whole "oh, no," pain and
anguish thing, I smuggle her to you, it's all good.
. . . I could throw in a couple of cats.

88. Cypress: Look. I don't want to die. I don't want to be locked up. You're the only person in this room with
more than two nice points, who would you talk to? For Wright's sake, I can't even tell which of you the
girl wants. Is it SJ? I would have brought him in on this, the angsty little . . .didn't even have the chutzpah
to show up. Is it Legacina? Is it you? Or is it all three of you? She's that kind, hmm? Some kind of Squeaky
Clean? Would you know?

89. Cypress: Oh, crud. He's THAT kind. What the HECK, I don't get this kind of thing at all.

90. Jack: I do not believe you have made a determination, Mr. Vetinari. That is fair enough. I would not
attempt escape, if I were you.
Cypress: You'll have to kill me, y'know. It'll get your little Squeaky Clean hands all wet and red and oozy.
You never go back from that.
Jack: I have offered you a choice. I shall not renege on that. You shall remain here for the rest of your
natural life.
. . . however short or long that might be.
. . . we shall leave you to your thoughts.

91. My dear Mr. Vetinari:

92. I have instructed Mr. Buccaneer-Goodytwoshoes to deliver this to you. He informed me of his intent to
speak to you. I presume, therefore, you have chosen to live. This is very wise. It is what I would have
chosen myself were I in your position.

93. I greatly dislike presuming on our slight acquaintance, but perhaps you might be of assistance in a small
matter. It seems that a business associate of mine has a sudden vacancy and wishes me to make a
recommendation.

94. I had no hesistation whatsoever in assuring him that I did not know anyone more qualified for the
position than you.

95. Grim: I WAS SURE THIS THING WAS RUNNING WHEN I LEFT THE HOUSE.

96. Cypress: Hey! Listen! That's that hourglass thing! You don't get to do the whole hourglass thing with
someone my age!
Grim: OH, STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.

97. Grim: LET GO. I DIDN'T KNOW EARLY DEATHS BOTHERED YOU SO MUCH.
Cypress: I thought they didn't kill people here!

98. Grim: I AM MAKING A SCHEDULED PICKUP. IT IS PURE BUSINESS. IT IS NOTHING PERSONAL.

99. Grim: NOW HURRY UP. I AM DOUBLE-PARKED.
. . .OVER MY QUOTA, MY BONY REAR END.

100. Trusting that this will not prove to be an inconvenience to you,
I am, etc.,
Yours most respectfully,
C. Goodytwoshoes.

101. Yes, I know you all wanted to know the identity of the Generation Eight spouse, but the boys are right.
This really had to be settled first.
Credits:
Screenplay: Based on an idea by William Pene Du Bois *The Twenty One Balloons* (volcano, diamond
mines, balloons).
Additional dialogue: W S Gilbert and Reginald Heber.
Gratuitous in jokes courtesy of MATY, Boolprop.com, and Sim mods by Pescado, TwoJeffs, etc., some of
which I wouldn't live without and some of which I wouldn't touch with a stick.
Cast:
Jack Buccaneer: Purple Bunny, Piratical Legacy
Dinadan Locks: RubyBlue, Goldilocks and the Nine Heirs
Brody Legacina: Orikes, Pseudo Legacy
Cypress and Spider Jerusalem Vetinari: DoctorSupremeNerd, Vetinari Dualegacy.