This document summarizes key points from a presentation on marriage and family therapy. It discusses how marriage and family therapists treat mental health issues and relationship problems from a family systems perspective. The document also outlines several strategies for building strong, long-lasting marriages according to research from Gottman and Silver, including maintaining a positive view of one's spouse, sharing small moments of connection daily, allowing influence from one's partner, managing solvable vs. perpetual problems effectively, and focusing on shared religious beliefs and purpose.

1. Saadia Z. Yunus, MA, MFT
ICNA-MAS Convention 2012

2. Marriage and family therapy is one of the core
mental health disciplines and is based on the
research and theory that mental illness and
family problems are best treated in a family
context.
 Trained in psychotherapy and family systems,
marriage and family therapists focus on
understanding their clients’ symptoms and
interaction patterns within their existing
environment.
 Whomever the client, Family Therapists treat
from a relationship perspective that incorporates
family systems. (AAMFT.org)


3.  "It
is He who created you from a single soul,
And made its mate of like nature in order
that you might dwell with him/her in
love...."(7:189) So the male and female
complete each other - together they make a
single self and this is how they must strive to
make their lives together - as if they are one
being, one person, one spirit.
 The
Qur'an says: "Your spouses are a garment
for you, and you are a garment for
them" (2:187)

4.  Dr.
John Gottman & Nan Silver
 The Seattle Love Lab
 Decades of research
 Predicting divorce with 91% accuracy
 Happy marriages are emotionally
intelligent marriages

5. 
Harsh startup


The Four Horseman:





Spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, a feeling of
being shell-shocked
Body Language


Criticism: adds negative words to a complaint about
spouse’s character or personality
Contempt: conveys disgust
Defensiveness: really a way of blaming spouse
Stonewalling: tuning your spouse out
Flooding


When a conversation leads with sarcasm, bitterness,
negativity, etc.
Heart rate, blood pressure, adrenaline
Failed Repair Attempts

Efforts made by couples to deescalate tension

6.  Love
map: that part of your brain where you
store all the relevant info about your
spouse’s life
 Knowing each others’ goals, worries, hopes
 “The more you know and understand about
each other, the easier it is to keep connected
as life swirls around you”
 Love Maps Questionnaire


Ex.: I can tell you what stresses my partner is
currently facing.
Ex.: My spouse is familiar with my hopes and
aspirations

7.  Feeling
that your spouse is worthy of honor
and respect
 Focus on the past and how your marriage
started out
 “Having a positive view of your spouse and
marriage is a powerful buffer for when bad
times hit”
 Remind yourself of your spouse’s positive
qualities
 Exercises in book

8.  Having
small moments of connection
 Letting your spouse know he/she is valued
during the grind of everyday life
 Creating an emotional bank account for
future tough times
 Turning towards each other in little ways
every day vs. a vacation or candlelight dinner
 Exercises in book

9.  Women
tend to accept their spouse’s
influence more than men
 Men who allow their wives to influence them
have happier marriages and are less likely to
divorce
 Let your spouse influence your decisionmaking by taking his/her opinions and
feelings into account
 Convey honor and respect when it comes to
power-sharing and decision-making
 Exercises in book

10.  Two


types of marital conflict:
Solvable problems
Perpetual problems
 Be
able to tell the difference and understand
that you don’t have to solve all of your
problems
 How do you solve your solvable problems?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Soften your startup
Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Soothe yourself and each other
Compromise
Be tolerant of each others’ faults

11.  Gridlock




The conflict makes you feel rejected by your
partner
You keep talking about it but make no progress
You are unwilling to budge
When you discuss, you feel more frustrated
 Don’t
try to solve the problem; move from
gridlock to dialogue
 Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for
your life that aren’t being addressed or
respected

12.  Sharing
a deep sense of what is meaningful
about your lives together
 A crucial goal of any marriage is to create an
atmosphere that encourages each person to
talk honestly about his/her convictions
 Islam—afterlife—earning Jannah together
 Reminding each other of your true purpose
 A team against Shaytaan
 Family rituals, symbols, roles

13.  Successful
marriages have a higher ratio of
positivity vs. negativity
 Many ayaat in Qur’an discuss living with one
another in tranquility
 Mawaddah and Rahma=Love and mercy
 Invest in your marriage
 Islam encourages seeking help if things get
too difficult—therapy, counseling
 Prophet (S) was the best therapist
 www.therapistlocator.net