Holly Scott, MBA, MS, Licensed Professional Counselor, and Founder of North Dallas Counseling, PLLC presents solutions for couples struggling with the empty nest years.

1. Empty Nest Couples: the Joys
and Challenges
Holly L. Scott, MBA, MS, LPC
North Dallas Counseling, PLLC
www.HollyScottPLLC.com

2. Top Issues in Empty Nest Years
• Conflict resolution • Money
• Communication • Aging Parents
• Sex • Retirement Planning
• Health • Children
• Fun • Grandchildren
• Recreation • Careers
• Friends • Household
• Religion responsibilities
• Fun and Leisure

3. Eight Challenges of Empty Nesters
Based on the work of Dave and Claudia Arp,
founders of Marriage Alive International and
authors of numerous books on marriage
including 10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters.

4. Eight challenges of the Empty Nest
#1 Let Go of Past Marital Disappointments
Long term marriages crumble because of LITTLE
issues that have built up over the years
NOT one major crisis.

5. #1 Let Go of Past Marital Disappointments
As a Couple, Make a List of:
• things you will never do again
• things you will never do at all
• things that will never change
Talk through the things on this list

6. #1 Let Go of Past Marital Disappointments
Be Willing to Forgive
• Spouse
• Parents
• Children
Importance of Forgiveness
in Second Half of Marriage

7. #1 Let Go of Past Marital Disappointments
Individually, make a List of
Grievances
• Which are easy to let go and forgive?
• Which do you need to talk through?
• Are there situations where you need help?

8. #1 Let Go of Past Marital Disappointments
Specific Steps to Help You Forgive
• Decide to forgive
• Ceremoniously let go
• Change your responses

9. #1 Let Go of Past Marital Disappointments
As a Couple, Make a List of
Things We will do in the Second
Half of Marriage
• Accept each other as a package deal
• Renew our commitment to each other

10. #2 Create a Marriage that is Partner Focused
“When our kids left, we were strangers.”
-Couple married 25 years

11. #2 Create a Marriage that is Partner Focused
• It takes work
• It does not happen automatically
• Embrace new roles & changing attitudes
• Make decisions based on the
best interest of the couple

12. #2 Create a Marriage that is Partner Focused
Avoid Becoming an Activity-Focused Marriage
• Do not immediately fill up your time with
other activities
• Resist making Immediate Changes
Avoid continuing a Child-focused Marriage

13. #2 Create a Marriage that is Partner Focused
“Commitment can keep a couple together, but
commitment based on constraint alone makes
for a pretty miserable marriage…Marriages
don’t have to slide into a state of committed
misery, but to avoid it spouses have to nurture
dedication for a lifetime.”
-Scott Stanley, PhD

14. #3 Maintain an Effective
Communication System
Actual quotes from church bulletins
• Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of
our church and community.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting at the
south and north ends of our church, children
will be baptized at both ends.
COMMUNICATION IS DIFFICULT!!

15. #3 Maintain an Effective
Communication System
• Pick out the married couple at a restaurant
• John Gottman, 35 years of research on over
3000 couples.
5 positive for every negative

16. #3 Maintain an Effective
Communication System
Dangerous Communication Styles
From John Gottman, PhD
• Escalation
• Invalidation
• Withdrawal and Avoidance
• Negative Interpretations

17. #3 Maintain an Effective
Communication System
Ways to Learn more Effective Communication
• Learn to Listen
• Be aware of nonverbal messages
Communication is 55% nonverbal,
38% tone of voice, and 7% verbal

18. #3 Maintain an Effective
Communication System
Ways to Learn more Effective Communication
• Communicate Feelings
• “I” Statements
• Complete the communication cycle
• Agree to no attacking or defending
• Regular “couple communication” time

19. #4 Use Anger & Conflict in a Creative Way
to Build your Relationship
“One of the best aspects of our marriage is learning to
disagree, stand our ground, and still be friends and
lovers.”
-husband married for thirty years
“In every marriage the two dynamic forces are love,
which seeks to draw the couple together, and anger,
which tend to drive them apart.”
-Dr. David Mace, marriage researcher

20. #4 Use Anger & Conflict in a Creative Way
to Build your Relationship
Understanding Anger
Anger develops from Fear and Frustration
Teenager home late
Late for work, stuck in traffic

21. #4 Use Anger & Conflict in a Creative Way
to Build your Relationship
First deal with your own anger
• What am I really angry about?
• What is the problem and whose problem is it?
• How can I learn to express my anger in a way
that will not leave me feeling helpless and
powerless?

22. #4 Use Anger & Conflict in a Creative Way
to Build your Relationship
Talk about anger with your
partner, acknowledge your anger as soon as
you are aware of it
Never attack your spouse
State problem, List possible solutions, Choose
one and try it

23. #4 Use Anger & Conflict in a Creative Way
to Build your Relationship
Most Marital Conflicts are Resolved by
1. A gift of love to the one who needs it the most
2. A gift of individuality
3. Compromise – Each person gives a little
4. Agree to disagree- No simple solution
How do you resolve conflicts in your relationship?

24. #5 Build a Deeper Friendship
with your Spouse
Typically, men & women have different
friendship styles. Men value doing things
together, while women value talking together.
Develop shared activities and
regular times to talk.

25. #5 Build a Deeper Friendship
with your Spouse
• Take care of yourself
• Build new relationships & reconnect with
friends
• Stretch your boundaries
• Continue to learn and grow

26. #5 Build a Deeper Friendship
with your Spouse
Make a list of Ten Fun Dates
Schedule Date Night
Make Dating a #1 Priority

27. #6 Renew Romance & Restore a
Pleasurable Sexual Relationship
“In a good marriage, sex and love are
inseparable. Sex serves a very serious
function in maintaining both the quality and
the stability of the relationship, replenishing
emotional reserves, and strengthening the
marital bond.”
Judith Wallerstein, The Good Marriage

28. #6 Renew Romance & Restore a
Pleasurable Sexual Relationship
Ideas for Rekindling Romance
• Be Affectionate
• Be a Listener
• Be Adventuresome
• Be Playful
• Exercise

29. #6 Renew Romance & Restore a
Pleasurable Sexual Relationship
Ideas to kick-start your sexual relationship
• Hug for 20 seconds each day
• Flirt with each other
• Kiss for ten seconds (count the seconds!)
• Shoulder rubs
• Romantic movies at home

30. #7 Adjust to Changing Roles with
Adult Children & Aging Parents
The emotional drain of trying to be everything to
everybody is affecting my relationship with my
husband. There is no energy left at the end of
the day for me or to invest in our marriage.
-wife married for twenty-eight years

31. #7 Adjust to Changing Roles with
Adult Children & Aging Parents
Deal with false guilt, you can’t be all things to all
people
Don’t feel responsible for what you can’t control
Ask for advice from friends
Use community resources

32. #7 Adjust to Changing Roles with
Adult Children & Aging Parents
• Keep your marriage as the anchor relationship
• Include your partner in how you are feeling
• Work together to solve problems
• Don’t let Adult Children or Aging Parents pull
your relationship apart.

33. #8 Evaluate where you are on your
Spiritual Pilgrimage
“The greatest stress in our marriage is that we
are at different places spiritually.”

34. #8 Evaluate where you are on your
Spiritual Pilgrimage
Dealing with Spiritual Differences
• Don’t force or coerce your spouse to be attend
something they won’t enjoy.
• Remain open-minded
• You do not have to settle theological or
denominational disputes

35. Make your Empty Nest Years
the Best Years!