The document discusses attachment styles in adulthood, emphasizing the influence of early caregiving experiences on emotional patterns and relationship dynamics. It outlines various insecure attachment styles, including ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized types, highlighting their characteristics and potential impacts on adult relationships. Additionally, the document offers insights on the possibility of changing attachment styles through therapy and self-development strategies.

1. Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Ref-Psychology Today
Compiled by Col Mukteshwar Prasad(Retd),
MTech(IITD),CE(I),FIE(I),FIETE,FISLE,FInstOD,AMCSI
Contact -9007224278, e-mail – muktesh_prasad@yahoo.co.in
for book ”Decoding Services Selection Board” and SSB ON line guidance and training
at Shivnandani Edu and Defence Academy

2. Story 1
 Lakhit was unfortunate that his mother died just 3 days after birth. His father being an IIT graduate and high Govt
official had no option but to send newly born son to his Bhabhi (Wife of his elder step brother). Unfortunately she had
her two sons and a daughter to be looked after. All three children were quite elder to him ,with sister at least 8 years elder.
Well she did best as primary care giver and young Lakhit also had motherly feeling towards her. He would not even allow
his elder sister to come near her. She nurtured him till he was 6 years old . Lakhit’s elder brother (born in London) was left
with Nana Nani in Bihar as the Family wanted to come back to India.
 His Father in between re married within one year of tragedy. They had a daughter from second marriage . Lakhit came back
to his Father at the age of 6 years and had to live with 1 ½ years old step sister. For caring his Father had brought his
younger Sister who looked after Lakhit . In reality except for basic needs he was dependant on his Bua(Father Sister) and
still regarded his aunty(First Caregiver) as his mother. A box belonging to his aunty was kept to remind him that she has
gone out for sometime and will be back .
 Found difficulty in adjusting to school for being talkative, disturbing and slow in uptake. It is presumed that he came to
know about full episode when he was in 8th but officially he was informed about whole story when he was in 10th. Naturally
he reacted for keeping him in dark till date and ultimately wanted to join Air Force to become martyr for the nation. By luck
or design he joined Navy through NDA, which was certainly a great achievement. But the lack/absence of caregiver as a
child would and had its own impact
 Two brothers met only during vacations
 Primary caregiver relationship
 (Parents were unavailable during infancy. Hence needs were never regularly met . Distanced himself emotionally .
This built a foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving independence in later life—even when in that
independence lack of intimacy caused its own distress.)

3.  Result -Unsecure attachment style
 Un safe - Changed Prime Caregiver (Aunty ,Step mother , Bua)
 Unstable-Lack of real affection
 Lacking Self-confidence
 Less Hopeful
 Uncomfortable with most relationship
 Un able to maintain emotional balance and managing conflict in a close relationship.
 Wants to be in a relationship and craves feelings of closeness and intimacy with a significant
one becomes overly fixated on the other person.
 May prefer fleeting, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones
 Never learnt to self-soothe emotions, so both relationships and the world around are still frightening
and unsafe.
 Finds intimate relationships confusing /unsettling swinging between extremes of love and hate
 Insensitive towards partner, controlling, and untrusting, which can lead to explosive or even abusive
behavior.
 May exhibit antisocial or negative behavior patterns, abuse alcohol or drugs, or prone to aggression or
violence.
 While they crave the security and safety of a meaningful, intimate relationship, they also feel unworthy
of love and terrified of getting hurt again.

4. Introduction-Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Attachment-related patterns that differ between individuals are commonly called
"attachment styles."
There seems to be an association between a person’s attachment characteristics early in life and
in adulthood, but the correlations are far from perfect.
Many adults feel secure in their relationships and comfortable depending on others
(echoing “secure” attachment in children).
Others tend to feel anxious about their connection with close others—or prefer to avoid getting
close to them in the first place (echoing “insecure” attachment in children).
Borderline personality disorder, characterized by a longing for intimacy and a
hypersensitivity to rejection, have shown a high prevalence and severity of insecure
attachment.
Attachment styles in adulthood (similar to attachment patterns in children):
Secure
Anxious-preoccupied (high anxiety, low avoidance)
Dismissing-avoidant (low anxiety, high avoidance)
Fearful-avoidant (high anxiety, high avoidance)
 Attachment styles(attachment-related anxiety and attachment-related avoidance) may be thought of as

6. Introduction-Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Attachment styles(attachment-related anxiety and attachment-related avoidance) may
also be thought of as dimensional rated as relatively
High
Low or
Middle
A person may not exhibit the same kind of attachment pattern in every close

7. Introduction-Attachment Styles in Adulthood
 How does attachment affect relationships?
People with a secure attachment style tend to fare better on outcomes such as
Relationship stability
Sexual satisfaction
Less likely to engage in disruptive acts such as partner surveillance or harmful sexual
behavior.
Can you change your attachment style?
Attachment styles can change substantially over time and may differ from relationship to
relationship.
Enduring a terrible relationship might lead to a less secure attachment orientation
History of supportive relationships may lead to increased security
Therapy in providing a safe connection and an opportunity to learn relational skills, may
also be helpful.

8. Secure attachment style
 Secure attachment style
 Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries
 In their close relationships they tend to feel
Safe,
Stable, and
More satisfied
 They usually thrive in close, meaningful relationships.
 When faced with conflict ,strong foundation of a secure attachment bond in childhood enables
a child to be
Self-confident
Trusting
Hopeful and
Comfortable
(This happens when Primary caretaker stayed engaged, managed child’s stress,
communicated through emotion, and responded to changing needs on a regular basis,
enabling child’s nervous system to become “securely attached.”)

9. Secure attachment style: what it looks like
 How secure attachment style affects adult relationships
 They like any human may experience relationship problems but
 Feel secure to take responsibility for their mistakes and failings,
 Willing to seek help and support when needed
 Appreciate their self-worth and are themselves in an intimate relationship.
 Are comfortable expressing their feelings, hopes, and needs.
 Find satisfaction in being with others,
 Openly seek support and comfort from their partner, but don’t get overly anxious when
they are apart.
 Are happy for their partner to rely on them for support.
 Are able to maintain emotional balance and seek healthy ways to manage conflict in a
close relationship.
 When faced with disappointment, setbacks, and misfortune in relationships are resilient
enough to bounce back.

10. Insecure-Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Secure or insecure-Some people may identify with some but not all of the characteristics
of secure attachment.
Even in stable relationships , possibly specific patterns of behavior or thinking may cause
conflict with partner and need to be actively addressed.
 How can you tell if someone has an insecure attachment style?
A person may have high attachment anxiety if she worries a lot about being abandoned or
uncared for or falsely implicated.
 This is measurable by one’s agreement with statements such as
“I worry about being alone”
“I often worry that romantic partners don’t really love me."
“Will be falsely implicated again”
“Others are getting too close”- high in attachment avoidance

11. Insecure Attachement
 1.Ambivalent /anxious-preoccupied/ ambivalent-anxious/anxious attachment
 Tend to be overly needy
 Often anxious and uncertain,
 Lack self-esteem
 Crave emotional intimacy but worry that others don’t want to be with them.
 How ambivalent attachment style affects adult relationships
 May be embarrassed about being too clingy or constant need for love and attention.
 May feel worn down by fear and anxiety about whether their partner really love them.
 Want to be in a relationship and crave feelings of closeness and intimacy with a significant
other
Struggle to feel whether they can trust or fully rely on their partner.

12. Insecure Attachement
 How ambivalent attachment style affects adult relationships……
 Being in an intimate relationship tends to take over their life and one becomes overly
fixated on the other person.
 May find it difficult to observe boundaries, viewing as a threat, that can provoke
panic, anger, or fear that partner no longer want them.
 Sense of self-worth rests on how one feels being treated in the relationship and tend
to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship.
 Feel anxious or jealous when away from partner and may use guilt, controlling
behavior, or other manipulative tactics to keep them close.
 Need constant reassurance and lots of attention from partner.
 Others may criticize for being too needy or clingy and (may struggle to maintain close
relationships.
 Primary caregiver relationship
 (This happens because parent or primary caregiver was inconsistent in their parenting
style, sometimes engaged and responsive to their needs as an infant, other times
unavailable or distracted. This inconsistency may have left feeling anxious and uncertain
about whether child’s needs in this “first” relationship would be met, and thus provide a
model for behavior in later relationships.)

13. 2. Avoidant-dismissive attachment style
 Adults with an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are the opposite of those
who are ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied.
 Instead of craving intimacy, they’re so wary of closeness they try to avoid emotional
connection with others.
 They’d rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them.
 How avoidant attachment style affects adult relationships
 Tend to find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy.
 Value independence and freedom .May feel uncomfortable / stifled by intimacy and
closeness in a romantic relationship.
 Are independent person, content to care for themselves and don’t feel need others.
 The more someone tries to get close to him or the needier a partner becomes, the
more he tends to withdraw.
 Are uncomfortable with their emotions and partners often accuse them of being
distant and closed off, rigid and intolerant. In return they accuse them of being too
needy.
 Prone to minimize or disregard partner’s feelings, keep secrets from them, engage in
affairs, and even end relationships in order to regain sense of freedom.

14. 2. Avoidant-dismissive attachment style……
 How avoidant attachment style affects adult relationships…..
May prefer fleeting, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones, or
seek out partners who are equally independent, ones who’ll keep their
distance emotionally.
In spite feeling that they do not need close relationships or intimacy,
the truth is they do—if only they could overcome their deep-seated
fears of intimacy.
 Primary caregiver relationship
(This often stems from a parent who was unavailable or rejecting during
infancy. Since child’s needs were never regularly or predictably met by
caregiver, they were forced to distance themselves emotionally and try to
self-soothe. This built a foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving
independence in later life—even when that independence and lack of
intimacy causes its own distress.)

15. 3. Disorganized/disoriented /fearful –avoidant attachment style
 Stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse.
 Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or
closeness in a relationship.
 How disorganized attachment style affects adult relationships
 Likely they never learned to self-soothe emotions, so both relationships and the world
around can feel frightening and unsafe.
 If experienced abuse as a child, they may try to replicate the same abusive patterns of
behavior as an adult.
 Probably find intimate relationships confusing and unsettling, often swinging between
emotional extremes of love and hate for a partner.
 May be insensitive towards partner, selfish, controlling, and untrusting, which can lead to
explosive or even abusive behavior. And they can be just as hard on themselves as they
are on others.
 May exhibit antisocial or negative behavior patterns, abuse alcohol or drugs, or prone to
aggression or violence.
 Others may despair at their refusal to take responsibility for their actions.
 While they crave the security and safety of a meaningful, intimate relationship, they also
feel unworthy of love and terrified of getting hurt again.

16. 3. Disorganized/disoriented /fearful –avoidant attachment style
 Their childhood may have been shaped by abuse, neglect, or trauma.
 Primary caregiver relationship
(This happens when primary caregiver was dealing with unresolved trauma
themselves, it can lead to the intense fear associated with a
disorganized/disoriented attachment style. Often the parent acted as both a
source of fear and comfort for child as an infant, triggering the confusion
and disorientation child feels about relationships now. In other cases,
parental figure may have ignored or overlooked child’s needs as an infant, or
their erratic, chaotic behavior could have been frightening or traumatizing )

17. Causes of insecure attachment
 The causes of insecure attachment could include:
 Having a young or inexperienced mother- lacking in the necessary parenting skills.
 Caregiver experienced depression- caused by isolation, lack of social support, or hormonal
problems e.i. forcing them to withdraw from the caregiving role.
 Primary caregiver’s addiction to alcohol or other drugs reduced their ability to accurately
interpret or respond to child’s physical or emotional needs.
 Traumatic experiences, such as a serious illness or accident which interrupted the attachment
process.
 Physical neglect, such as poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, or neglect of medical issues.
 Emotional neglect or abuse. For example, your caregiver paid little attention to you as a child,
made scant effort to understand your feelings, or engaged in verbal abuse.
 Physical or sexual abuse, whether physical injury or violation.
 Separation from primary caregiver due to illness, death, divorce, or adoption.
 Inconsistency in the primary caregiver. Experienced a succession of primary caregivers like
death of mother to aunty and step mother or nanannies or staff at daycare centers
 Frequent moves or placements- Moving from Father’s house to aunty house due to
death of mother and then coming back with father and step mother thus constantly
changed environment

18. Getting help for insecure attachment
 If you recognize an insecure attachment style in either yourself or your partner, don’t
have to resign to enduring the same attitudes, expectations, or patterns of behavior
throughout life.
 It is possible to change and one can develop a more secure attachment style as an
adult.
 A therapist experienced in attachment theory can help make sense of past emotional
experience and become more secure
 In the absence of appropriate therapy, plenty of things can be done by self to build a
more secure attachment style.
 Learn about your insecure attachment style.
 Recognize—and correct—the reflexive attitudes and behaviors of insecure attachment that may
be contributing to relationship problems.
 Tips to help transition to a more secure attachment style:
 1. Improve your nonverbal communication skills
 Adult relationships, like child’s relationship depend for their success on nonverbal forms of
communication.
 At any age, developing how well you read, interpret, and communicate nonverbally can help
improve and deepen relationships with other people.
 One can learn to improve these skills by being present in the moment, learning to manage stress,
and developing emotional awareness.

19. Getting help for insecure attachment
 Tips to help transition to a more secure attachment style:…..
 2. Boost your emotional intelligence
 Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive
ways to empathize with your partner, communicate more effectively, and deal with conflict in a healthier
way.
 Building emotional intelligence can help strengthen a relationship.
 By understanding one’s emotions and how to control them, one can express needs and feelings to
partner much better bedside's understanding partner’s feeling as well.
 3. Develop relationships with people who are securely attached
 A strong, supportive relationship with someone who makes you feel loved can play an important
part in building your sense of security.
 Research suggests that 50 to 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style
 Developing strong friendships with these individuals can also help recognize and adopt new
patterns of behavior.
 4. Resolve any childhood trauma
 Experiencing trauma (anything that impacts your sense of safety, such as an unsafe or unstable
home environment, separation from your primary caregiver, serious illness, neglect, or abuse)as an
infant can interrupt the attachment and bonding process.
 Unresolved childhood trauma results in feelings of insecurity, fear, and helplessness
 There are steps one can take to overcome the pain, regain emotional balance, and learn to trust
and connect in relationships again.