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Self leadership - Leading and Managing Yourself
The document presents a narrative about a priest confronted by a soldier in pre-revolutionary Russia, emphasizing themes of courage, self-responsibility, and personal freedom. It discusses various philosophical quotes and principles from notable figures, touching upon emotional intelligence, proactive behavior, and the significance of habits in achieving excellence. Additionally, it covers concepts of human behavior and relationships, including the importance of empathy, win-win solutions, and the dynamics of interactions based on transactional analysis.
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Self leadership - Leading and Managing Yourself
- 2. A priestwho was confronted by a soldier while he was walking down a road in pre-revolutionary Russia. The soldier, aiming his rifle at the priest, commanded,: 1. Who are you? 2. Where are you going? 3. Why are you going there? Unfazed, the priest calmly replied, “How much do they pay you?” Somewhat surprised, the soldier responded, “Twenty-five kopecks a month.” The priest paused, and in a deeply thoughtful manner said, “I have a proposal for you. I’ll pay you fifty kopecks each month if you stop me here every day and challenge me to respond to those same three questions.”
- 3. The bestday of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” Anon Courage is fear that has said its prayers. Dorothy Bernard Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. Andre Gide Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon
- 4. If I amwhat I have and iiff II lloossee wwhhaatt II hhaavvee wwhhoo tthheenn aamm II?? EErriicchh FFrroommmm The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy Martin Luther King, Jr.
- 8. A good habit,consisting of three elements, is defined as “the intersection of knowledge” 1. Knowledge: the what to do 2. Skill: the how to do 3. Desire (motivation): the want to do “ We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit ” Aristotle From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey (1989)
- 9. Motivation is whatgets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. Jim Ryun
- 10. Watch your thoughts,for they become words.Watch your . Attributed to Mahatma Gandhi
- 11. Between stimulus andresponse there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Viktor Frankl Freedom Stimulus Response to Choose Independent Will Imagination Conscience Self- Awareness From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey (1989)
- 12. Sir, my concernis not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right. Abraham Lincoln CIRCLE OF CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE CONCERN ( Negative energy reduces the Circle of Influence) REACTIVE FOCUS From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey (1989)
- 13. It makes nosense to worry about things you have no control over because there‘s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized. Wayne Dyer Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. Author Unknown Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry: Worry never fixes anything. Ernest Hemingway
- 14. Concern should driveus into action and not into a depression. No man is free who cannot control himself. Pythogoras CIRCLE OF CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE CONCERN (Positive energy enlarges the Circle of Influence) From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey (1989) PROACTIVE FOCUS
- 15. Ever more peopletoday have the means to live, but no meaning to live for. Viktor Frankl From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey (1989)
- 16. The habitof mutual benefit Win-Win means seeking solutions that allow every one to win. Successful relationships are built on a win-win foundation. A Win-Win character consists of three traits: Integrity, Maturity & Trust Emotional Bank Account: 1. Understand the individual; show empathy 2. Attend to little needs; show kindness 3. Keep commitments & promises always 4. Clarify expectations 5. Show personal integrity and loyalty 6. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal. From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey (1989)
- 17. To trulyunderstand, we must listen to more than words. Empathy is listening with the eyes and the “heart.” Empathic listening is deep, active, reflective listening, and showing the person that you are following, understanding and participating in his feelings besides his words. Empathy is not sympathy or pity and never manipulative. You have to really care; false or put on empathy sucks and people realize immediately. Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution. Kahlil Gibran
- 18. Physical Exercise, Nutrition, Recreation and Fun as an individual, couple and family & Stress Management Social/Emotional Family Sharing, Couple Sharing, meaningful relationships and activities, Service, Empathy Mental Reading, Learning, Visualizing Planning, Writing Have fun in your command. Don't always run at a breakneck pace. Take leave when you've earned it: Spend time with your families. Colin Powell Spiritual Value Clarification & Commitment, Study From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective & Prayer and Meditation People. Stephen Covey (1989)
- 20. From Motivation andPersonality by Abraham Maslow 1954 If your treat an individual... as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life. Abraham Maslow
- 21. People who giveup easily, habitually say: It’s me. It’s going to last forever. It’s going to undermine everything I do. Those who resist giving in to misfortune say: It was just circumstances. It’s going away quickly anyway. Besides there’s so much more in life. Permanence Pervasiveness Personalization from Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman
- 22. The last ofhuman freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. Viktor Frankl From various authors whose work is based on that of Beck and Ellis
- 23. Negative viewof the self (e.g., I’m unlovable, ineffective) Negative view of the future (e.g., nothing will work out) Negative view of the world (e.g., world is hostile) From various authors whose work is based on that of Beck and Ellis
- 24. Negative thoughtsabout yourself, your world, or your future ATs are not given the same consideration as other thoughts but rather they are assumed to be true They originate from shadow beliefs vs conscious beliefs For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29: 11-12 From various authors whose work is based on that of Beck and Ellis
- 25. 1. I needlove and approval from those around to me. 2. I must avoid disapproval from any source. 3. To be worthwhile as a person I must achieve success at whatever I do. 4. I cannot allow myself to make mistakes. 5. People should always do the right thing. When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly or selfishly, they must be blamed and punished. 6. Things must be the way I want them to be. 7. My unhappiness is caused by things that are outside my control – so there is nothing I can do to feel any better. 8. I must worry about things that could be dangerous, unpleasant or frightening – otherwise they might happen. 9. I must avoid life’s difficulties, unpleasantness, and responsibilities. 10. Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves. 11. Events in my past are the cause of my problems – and they continue to influence my feelings and behaviours now. 12. I should become upset when other people have problems, and feel unhappy when they’re sad. 13, I shouldn’t have to feel discomfort and pain. 14, Every problem should have an ideal solution. From various authors whose work is based on that of Beck and Ellis
- 26. Happiness cannot bepursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to “be happy.” Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically. As we see, a human being is not one in pursuit of happiness but rather in search of a reason to become happy through actualizing the potential meaning inherent and dormant in a given situation. Once an individual’s search for a meaning is successful, it not only renders him happy but also gives him the capability to cope with suffering-to express it in plain words, to become aware of what can be done about a given situation Man’s Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl .
- 27. 1. Filtering. 2. Polarized Thinking. 3. Overgeneralization. 4. Jumping to Conclusions. 5. Catastrophizing. 6. Personalization. 7. Control Fallacies. 8. Fallacy of Fairness. 9. Blaming. 10. Shoulds. 11. Emotional Reasoning. 12. Fallacy of Change. 13. Global Labeling. 14. Always Being Right. 15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy. From various authors whose work is based on that of Beck and Ellis
- 29. 29 www.eqindia.com EmotionalIntelligence is “the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships. Emotional intelligence describes abilities distinct from, but complementary to, academic intelligence.” Daniel Goleman (1998) Emotional Intelligence, (Daniel Goleman) Working with Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman) Primal Leadership - Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman)
- 30. Emotional Intelligence, (DanielGoleman) Working with Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman) Primal Leadership - Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman)
- 31. Emotional Intelligence, (DanielGoleman) Working with Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman) Primal Leadership - Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman)
- 32. © 2006 MonikaLumsdaine Analytical Technical World Organized Controlled World Imaginative Trailblazing World Caring Networked World The Whole Brain Business Book (Ned Herrmann) The Creative Brain (Ned Herrmann)
- 33. Authoritarian Materialistic Academic Realistic Reliable Traditional Task-driven Bureaucratic Experimental Futuristic Inventive Flexible Value- Oriented Humanistic Cooperative The Whole Brain Business Book (Ned Herrmann) The Creative Brain (Ned Herrmann)
- 34. •Learns by •acquirngand quantifying facts •applying analysis and logic •thinking through ideas •building cases •forming theories •Learners respond to: •formalized lectures •data based content •financial/technical case discussions •text books and bibliographies •programme learning •behaviour modification •Learners respond to: •through planning •sequential order •organizational and administrative case discussions •text books •behaviour modification •programme learning •structure •lectures •Learns by: organizing and structuring content •sequencing content •evaluating and testing theories •implementing course content •Learns by: •taking initiative •exploring hidden possibilities •relying on intuition •self discovery •constructing concepts •synthesizing content •Learners respond to: •spontaniety •free flow •experiential opportunities •playfulness •future oriented case discussion •individuality •aesthetics •being involved •Learners respond to: experiential opportunities •sensory movement •music •people oriented case •discussions •group interaction •Learns by •listening and sharing ideas •integrating self experience with self •moving and feeling •harmonizing with content •emotional involvement What? ANALYZER Logical thinking Analysis of facts Critical evaluation Processing numbers What if? VISUALIZER Conceptualizing Strategic thinking Imaginative design Big-picture viewpoint Detailed organization Operational planning Manuals, schedules Preventive action ORGANIZER How Social, interpersonal Care giving, sensing Spiritual, intuitive Expressing ideas PERSONALIZER Why?
- 35. Three BasicConcepts: Parent, Adult and Child Transactions: Among P, A and C P < -- > P A < -- > A C < -- > C There are 9 possible transactions Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. Eric Berne I’m OK–You’re OK by Thomas Harris Born to Win by Muriel James And Dorothy Jongeward
- 36. Parent- “Do asI do” Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based on messages or lessons learned from parents and other ‘parental’ or authoritarian sources Shoulds and should nots; oughts and ought nots; always and never Nurturing views (sympathetic, caring views) Critical views (fault finding, judgmental, condescending views) Child- “What shall I do?” Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based on child-like emotions, impulses, Adult- “I will be frank with you” Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based on objective analysis of information (data, facts) Make decisions based on logic, computations, probabilities, etc. (not emotion) Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. Eric Berne I’m OK–You’re OK by Thomas Harris Born to Win by Muriel James And Dorothy Jongeward
- 37. Child Adult Parent in our Transactions. Biological conditions and chronological age are irrelevant to these ego states. We shift from one ego state to another in transactions. Parent- “Why don’t you prepare a time-table?” Child- “What is the point when one cannot follow it?” – Becomes an Adult. Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. Eric Berne I’m OK–You’re OK by Thomas Harris Born to Win by Muriel James And Dorothy Jongeward
- 38. Parent EgoState – It consists of experiences from the first five years in life. It is the state from which behaviors to control others are employed. Child Ego State – It is “recorded” during the parent ego state. State when feelings rule. Adult Ego State – By monitoring the parent and child ego states, it alters automatic behaviors that would normally occur. Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. Eric Berne I’m OK–You’re OK by Thomas Harris Born to Win by Muriel James And Dorothy Jongeward
- 39. See andhear what you see and hear, rather than what you are supposed to see and hear. Think what you think, rather than what you are supposed to think. Feel what you feel, rather than what you are supposed to feel. Want what you want, rather than what you are supposed to want. Imagine what you imagine, rather than what you are supposed to imagine Seek to avoid being created by others in their image and to create others in your image. Avoid judging others Be there for people when they need you, not for the purpose of giving advice or for being appreciated, but just to be there for them. Enjoy the validation and support from others when it comes to you, but do not expect it or be disappointed if it does not happen. Practice sharing your genuine thoughts and feelings, your joys and your successes, your concerns, and your fears with the people your trust and love, and who embrace the same values as you. You will be amazed how your life will be enriched.
- 40. “Never givein, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense” Winston Churchill
Editor's Notes
- #9 EGI need to learn to listen more (most common issue in salespersons): I need to KNOW that I have this problem; I may not realise that I have this problem with my Communication skills. . I need to KNOW How, so I need to learn the skill I need to WANT to enough, as otherwise I won’t be bothered to make the effort and move out of the security of my comfort zone and present way of interacting with others. This may at times require more effort than we imagine, and in some cases may be painful, so one needs to be motivated by a higher purpose and willing to subordinate present habits to integrate a new habit to replace the old one.
- #12 Proactivity: Stimulus and Response (Pavlov’s dogs?) Viktor Frankl story. When our lives we act as a function of our conditioning and conditions, we have, by conscious decision or default, chosen to to empower those things to control us, becoming reactive. Reactive people are influenced by “the weather”, the external environment, more often then not the social weather; When people treat them well, they feel well. When people don’t, they become defensive or protective. Reactive people build their lives around the behavior of others, empowering the weaknesses of others to control them. . Proactive people carry their own weather within them. They are value driven, and if their value is to produce good quality work, it isn’t a function of their external environment, the weather. Reactive people are driven by feelings, circumstances, by conditions, by the environment. Proactive people are driven by values, carefully thought out, selected and internalized.
- #13 Reactive People focus their efforts in the circle of concern. They focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. They believe the problem is out there and the solution is out there, hence they cannot do anything about it. They blame, accuse, feel victimised and use reactive language ( eg I can’t)
- #15 Proactive People focus their energies in the Circle of Influence. They work constantly and consistently on the things they can do something about, and thus constantly enlarge their Circle of Influence.
- #16 To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. Its incredibly easy to get caught up in the rush of daily life, working harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success, only to find that the ladder has been leaning on the wrong wall. People often find themselves achieving victories that are empty successes because they came at the expense of things they suddenly realize where more important to them. We need to be aware of what is deeply important to us and keep that picture in mind, so that on a daily basis we manage ourselves each day to move as much as possible towards our long term goals.. It would not be a bad idea for each and every one of us to consider writing out a Personal Mission Statement. You can only do so if you know who you are and who you want to be, if you thoughtfully chose your principles and values and internalise them, out of which then can flow your relations with all the domains of your life.
- #17 Win Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all interactions. Win Win Means the solutions are mutually beneficial and mutually satisfying. With a Win Win solution, everyone feels good about the decision and committed to it. Win Win is not my way or your way, it’s a 3 rd alternative, a higher way. We should seek Win Win in all our interactions. We must be Win Win characters, nurture Win Win relationships, and seek Win Win agreements. And we can only do this if we create a Win Win environment. The Emotional Bank Account. Major Deposits
- #18 We typically seek first to be understood rather than to be understood (optometrist story). Most people listen with intent not to understand but to reply. Autobiographical listening. If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me, you first need to understand me. If I sense you’re using some technique, I feel manipulated and block you off.
- #19 Sharpening the Saw story.
- #28 1. Filtering. We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted. 2. Polarized Thinking. Things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure–there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure. 3. Overgeneralization. We come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. 4. Jumping to Conclusions. Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us. For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them and don’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact. judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. 5. Catastrophizing. We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and usewhat if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”). For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections). 6. Personalization. Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to us. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc. A person sees themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that the were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party andcaused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.” 7. Control Fallacies. If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?” 8. Fallacy of Fairness. We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us, “Life is always fair,” and people who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation 9. Blaming. We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions. 10. Shoulds. We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything. For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Mustsand oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment. 11. Emotional Reasoning. We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.” 12. Fallacy of Change. We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. 13. Global Labeling. We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves. For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.” 14. Always Being Right. We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones. 15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy. We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.
- #36 Eric Berne M.D. Games People Play, Penguin Books, 1964