Parents are under increasing pressure to find suitable spouses for their children However there is a constant struggle between what parents want and what their children want/need –we often clash on matters of culture and Deen In this webinar we will learn how to bridge the communication gap in order for parents to stay happy and children to feel supported WARNING –this is a very serious and hard hitting webinar so be prepared to face some hard truths

2. Parents are under increasing pressure to find suitable spouses for their children
However there is a constant struggle between what parents want and what their children want/need –we often clash on matters of culture and Deen
In this webinar we will learn how to bridge the communication gap in order for parents to stay happy and children to feel supported
WARNING –this is a very serious and hard hitting webinar so be prepared to face some hard truths

3. Parents expect children to marry within their culture
Includes forced marriages and marrying ‘back home’ to maintain family bonds but the reality for most is:
children feel trapped, depressed and unhappy
sisters who marry brothers from back home often spend their lives supporting them financially
Usually results in dysfunctional families
Marriages breakdown
In the UK, more Muslim children in Foster care than any other –mostly due to forced marriages which ended badly
Leads to breakdown of families and can tear families apart
Men and women try to escape the situation –can end up committing zinaas a result

4. Islam breaks the shackles of cultural expectations because choice is a DIVINE right from Allah
Parents need to understand that it’s selfish to expect their children to deliver the promises THEY made to their families back home
In such cases, community leaders (Imams) need to step in and help
Parents MUST understand that forced marriages in Islam is haram and VOID and the sin is on their shoulders
Children from a result of these marriages could be illegitimate –the parents take the sin of zinafrom their children
Parents should be aware that taking sons back home to bring back wives to look after them has firstly no basis in Islam and secondly, is making the situation for sisters who are already finding it hard to find suitable brothers extra difficult

5. Both parents and children can have unrealistic expectations
They have to be a Doctor or lawyer etc
Must be earning over a certain amount
Has to be a certain height/size/skin colour etc
The focus is usually on superficial or materialistic things
Leads to not being able to find the ‘right’ person and marriage is delayed –makes it harder
When marriage is delayed, the chances of fitnahand falling into haram increase

6. Get Real and drop the ideals!
Agree on issues of DEEPER compatibility –such as visions for the future, goals, direction in life which is far more important
Focus on character and Deen first
Look at their past achievements as this is a good indication of how capable this person is for marriage
Understand that rizqis from Allah and He can take it away at a moments notice
For parents who want security for their daughters, realize that TRUE security is having the means to work hard and earn wherever you are

7. Most common problem is picking Dunyaover Deen in both parents and children
Hadith about piety and marriage
When someone is practicing and the parents overlook the Deen and marry them to someone non-practicing thinking it ‘will be ok’
These marriages never last and cause rifts between couples –children are often torn between the two
Similar problems occur when you are married to someone who has a different aqeedahto yourself

8. It is the parents’ responsibility is to make sure they choose someone who has the Deen
they should also ensure the prospective person has the SAME aqeedahas their child
parents must understand that if their child is practicing, they can never reconcile their differences with a non-practicing spouse
prevention is always better than cure

9. Emotional blackmail is the weapon of choice when it comes to the marriage process
More common for parents to use this as a means of coercing children into the marriage
It produces feelings of guilt and eventually resentment in children who agree to a marriage just to keep their parents happy
These marriages are unfulfilled –often lead to marital breakdown
Knock on effect on children born into such marriages who suffer the consequences
Reverse also true –parents get emotional blackmail from children who want to marry unsuitable people who they say they have fallen in love with and ‘can’t live without’

10. Parents need to understand that Islam has given their children the right to choose their spouse without being forced they should stop abusing their positions as parents for their own benefit –blackmail is not an option
Understand there’s no ‘them versus us’ –you are on the same side
Involve the local Imam, someone your parents respect or another family member to bring perspective to the matter
If children are in danger of committing zinawith a person they have fallen for, then the parents need to take this seriously
Importance of Islamic upbringing so children are taught what to look for in a spouse according to the Quran and Sunnah
Parents need educating about the realities of life –most think their children could never ‘dishonour’ them by disobeying them, but don’t realise that this is not a matter of obedience

11. Parents deserve respect but often take advantage of this by behaving in irrational or harsh ways that don’t command respect from their children
They usually stop listening to their children when they want to marry someone they disapprove of –causing conflict and anger
Similarly, children refuse to listen to their parents when they persist in wanting to marry someone who is not right for them and feel it is their parents with the problem

12. If children feel as if they are not being listened to by their parents, they will go to someone who will –and can end up committing sin
Start young by taking the time to listen to your children’s needs
If you respect your children, they will respect you and be more likely to understand your point of view and concerns in these matters
Children need to understand that parents ultimately want what’s best for them and may not know how to communicate this to their kids
The Prophet SAW always spoke to children with love, was never aggressive or raised his voice - parents and children should never speak harshly to one another

13. Parents and children alike need to return to the commandments of Allah SWT and the teachings of the Prophet SAW in regards to the marriage process and searching for a spouse
Children: strive to please your parents whilst communicating your needs and wants in the marriage process
Parents: Want for your children what you wanted for yourself and do your best to be open and supportive of them
Remember you are working towards the same goal!

14. Stay tuned for part two of the topic ‘Marriage and Parents’ –coming soon!
Also watch out for our special guide for Parents and Children –exclusively from Pure Matrimony, which will be available next week

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