Parenting Through Divorce

Parenting Through
Divorce
Haytham Al Fiqi

Visit Amazon's Haytham Al Fiqi Page http://amzn.to/1Uaf9Mr
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Copyright © 2016 Haytham Al Fiqi
All rights reserved.
ISBN-10:1530971284
ISBN-13:978-1530971282

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DEDICATION
Childcare is another expense that can add up when a divorce
takes place. Perhaps one of the parents was the caregiver and
now both are in the workforce. The parents should decide
on a childcare provide together. It may be a licensed facility,
a nanny, or even a family member. The cost of childcare
should be second to the quality of care that your children are
receiving though.

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1 Additional Expenses to Consider for your Children when
you are Divorced
The expenses for caring for children continue to rise, and that doesn’t make it
any easier for divorced parents. Each it attempting to keep their own
household going. At the same time they often try to share expenses for their
children. One of the parents should have both medical and dental coverage
on the children. This may be court ordered or due to a mutual agreement
between the parents.
Routine check ups at both the doctor’s office and the dentist are essential for
your children. The cost of this type of preventative care out of pocket is very
high. If one of your children should have an emergency for either place it can
be a bill you have to pay for a very long time.
It is the responsibility of both parents to pay for such care that their children
need. Have a plan of action so that it won’t be a problem later on. For
example if one of you is paying for the premium on the insurance then the
other parent should pay for the co-pays and deductibles. Discuss the care that
is needed before it is done so that both parents agree to go forward with it.
Childcare is another expense that can add up when a divorce takes place.
Perhaps one of the parents was the caregiver and now both are in the
workforce. The parents should decide on a childcare provide together. It may
be a licensed facility, a nanny, or even a family member. The cost of childcare
should be second to the quality of care that your children are receiving
though.

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Inevitably there will be additional expenses for your children. Who is going to
pay for school clothing and supplies? Many parents who pay child support
assume that they pay enough for such items with that monthly check. Yet it
may be just enough to help the family with food and shelter. You don’t want
your children to go without due to money being an issue.
Many children love to be involved in extracurricular activities as well. It can
be sports, dance, or clubs. There will be expenses involved as well based on
fees, special clothing and shoes needed, and even enrollment fees. Parents
need to be willing to share such expenses so that their children can take part
in such events.
Summer is also a time when there are more expenses for children. They may
want to go swimming lessons, camping, or even to a summer camp. All of
these things cost money and someone has to pay it. Some feel the parent who
makes more money should cover the cost. This is up to the parents though as
many want to do everything like that 50/50. Yet the problem could come in
when one parent can’t afford their share.
As you can see there are plenty of additional expenses to consider for your
children when you are divorced. They really haven’t changed from when you
were married. Yet if you were the parent who didn’t take care of such issues
you may not have realized how much they cost. Make sure you are willing to
discuss these expenses with the other parent. You want to do what is in the
best interest of your children.

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2 Are you Scarring your Children due to Divorce?
Some individuals resolve to stay in their marriage for their children. They
want to break free and to start a new life but they don’t. They may later
discover that they didn’t do their children any favors by staying in the
relationship. They certainly weren’t happy and chances are everyone in the
household was suffering because of what was going on emotionally.
The amount of damage that is going on right now for many children due to
marital problems needs to be addressed. They are subjected to seeing verbal,
emotional, and physical abuse. They may see affection or money withheld in
order to exhibit complete control over the other party. None of these issues
are good for children to be seeing and you better believe the will leave
memories of a very unhappy childhood.
It is the emotional state of children that often keep people in a marriage when
they want out though. They have heard all the horror stories about children
with trust issues and relationship issues due to their parents being divorced.
Yet it isn’t the fact that their parents are divorced that caused the problems.
Rather it is often due to how things were handled before, during, and after
the divorce.
It is often the actions of parents that are inappropriate and that damage
children when a divorce takes place. The image of seeing your mom call your
dad hateful names or of your father throwing dishes isn’t something that a
child will soon forget. There are going to be rocky issues to deal with
surrounding a divorce but do your best to shield your children from seeing
them.

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Children are going to pick up on the tension that is there between you and
your ex spouse. They are going to be in the line of fire if there is still a great
deal of unresolved conflict going on. It can be very unhealthy for them to see
such issues taking place. It is possible to divorce someone and still have a
decent relationship with them. It is possible for you to work as a team to do
what is best for the children.
If you can work out details of the divorce so that the children are well cared
for it will prevent them from being scarred. Messy divorces where both
parties are blaming the other and getting the children in the middle of it aren’t
going to benefit anyone at all. Never say hurtful things about your ex in front
of your children. That person is still their parent and someone they both love
and respect.
Make sure you take the time to talk to your children from their point of view
about the divorce. Let them have some control over the direction those
conversations take. They may have questions and you need to answer them. It
is okay to let them see your emotions during the divorce as well. Just make
sure you reassure them that everything is going to be fine. As long as they feel
loved and safe they will be able to get through the divorce without ongoing
problems.
You won’t be scarring your children if you do end up divorced. You do need
to make sure you are well aware of how they are going to be affected though.
You want to know what to expect so you can be there to meet the needs of
your children. Make sure they know they can come to either parent for
anything they need. You also need to consider your own actions. Make sure
you are fully aware of how they will influence your children.
There are many well adjusted adults out there in our society that do have
parents that divorced. They will be the first to tell you that the situation was
for the better for everyone involved. It is refreshing to know that because the
decision to divorce is one that doesn’t come easily. Yet if it is the right
decision for your family then you just need to put the needs of your children
first.

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3 Avoid using your Children as Pawns in your Divorce
Too many adults divorce because they fail to effectively communicate with
each other. They still have to remain in contact with each other though due to
the children they have results from that marriage. It is very important to avoid
using your children as pawns in your divorce though. Too many people do it,
and the children are the ones that suffer for it.
Keeping the children from seeing their other parent as a way to get back at
them for the hurt they have put you through is common. That is a way that
many divorced couples punish each other. Yet the children are the ones who
suffer from it because they are missing out on that relationship. Unless the
other parent isn’t fit to have the children alone then you need to let them go
at the set visitation times.
Many children do miss the other parent when they are staying with one. This
can hurt the parent they are with. Yet it is important to understand that
children have unconditional love for both of their parents all the time.
Allowing the children to call the other parent when they miss them or even as
a standard ritual before bed can help to relieve their anxiety. It will also allow
them to enjoy their time with each parent more.
While children do need to know what is going on as far as the divorce is
concerned, they don’t need to know all of the details. Important issues that
have to be discussed between the parents should be done privately.
Remember that little ears can hear a great deal so make sure they aren’t even
around when you are talking about sensitive issues.

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When issues arise that involve your children you will need to work together to
resolve them. When the parents are offering the opposite solution just to be
difficult it only hurts the child more. For example if you have a high school
student that has been cutting school you need to come up with a course of
action to make them responsible. If one parent thinks it is a big deal and the
other parent doesn’t mind then it become an ongoing issue.
Children of divorced parents are going to follow the guidelines of the parent
that is in their favor on set issues. I guess you could say it is one of the few
perks that children of divorces couples are able to exercise. Yet this can lead
to many more issues down the road. So instead of using the children to drive
your ex spouse crazy find ways to work as a team to do what is in the best
interest of your children.
Never under any circumstances should you be passing messages to your ex
spouse through your children. That isn’t their responsibility and too often
these children are being told to say things they don’t want to repeat. You also
don’t want to be asking your children for information when they return from
a visit.
It is fine to ask them what they did and if they had a good time. However,
you will be overstepping the boundaries if you are asking specific questions.
They shouldn’t have to tell you what was said, who was around, and other
details of their time together with the other parent.
If you are having a hard time coming to terms with your divorce, seek
professional counseling. You will be able to work through your emotions and
set goals for your future. You don’t want to dwell on what has taken place or
suppress your feelings. You want to be able to have a good life and to be
there for your children in a positive way. Make sure you always stop t
consider how our actions are going to affect your children before you engage
in them.

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4 Being a Quality Parent when you Live far away from your
Children
After a divorce one of the parents may find it is necessary to relocate. They
may need to get away from the place that holds so many memories for them.
They may need to relocate for a job. Since it can be expensive to run a
household on your own, it may be necessary so you can have the assistance of
friends and family.
It is still possible to be a quality parent when you live far away from your
children. Make sure they understand you didn’t move to get away from them.
They will need to know this from you. Don’t assume they know it because
too many children do end up blaming themselves for such factors after a
divorce occurs.
Let your children know where you will be moving to and why. Let them
know how they can get into contact with you. This way they won’t feel
abandoned in any way. If there is a time change between where you live and
where they live, make sure they know about that too. This way they will have
the best chances of getting in touch with you.
Do all you can to stay connected to your children. They should feel like they
can call you any time of the day or the night. They should have your home
number as well as a cell phone number. If the long distance charges are a
problem for the other parent, then send your children a prepaid phone card.
You should attempt to be in contact with them at least every couple of days,
even if it is only to talk for a few minutes.

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Take some time to stay interested in what your children are doing. Find out
what is going on at school. As about their friends and their activities. If they
are involved in sports then ask them to let you know about the games. A
digital camera is a great way to send pictures to each other. Email can also
allow you to send messages on a regular basis to them. Don’t forget the old
fashioned letter or even some cards too so they will know you are thinking of
them.
It is going to take some good scheduling and planning to see your children
when you live far away. It isn’t fair to ask for them to come out every holiday,
spring break, Christmas break, and for the summer. They will want to spend
some of that down time with the parent they life with. They will also want to
spend some of that time with their friends.
It may be more cost effective for you to travel to where they are at then it will
be to bring them to you. It depends on how far away you are and how many
children you have. They ages of the children matters too as younger ones
often have a difficult time traveling. Most airlines do allow older children to
fly alone but this can be hard for parents to accept.
Some parents that live far away from their children feel the only way to show
they care is to send expensive gifts. While those are a nice bonus, that isn’t
what it is all about. Your children want to know that you love them and that
you care about them. They want to know that no matter how many miles are
between you, they have a loving and support parent that is always there for
them.

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5 Children of Various Ages will Deal with Divorce
Differently
Some children are so young when their parents divorce that they don’t ever
remember them being together. Others are old enough to always remember
what took place. They will recall what they were doing when they found out
about it and how it affected them. It is important for parents to understand
that children of various ages will deal with divorce differently.
This means you are going to need to prepare yourself for what each of your
children will understand about the process. For some children it is nothing
more than knowing that their dad won’t be living in the same house with
them. For others it is a complete change of life from the way they have always
known it. On top of all of that, children of the same age group will also look
at the divorce process differently.
Understanding the feelings of your children and how they relate to a divorce
is extremely important. Very young children, even those that aren’t old
enough to talk yet can understand the emotions of people. They can often
identify issues such as stress, tension, and they definitely know when their
parents are upset.
As a result of this their own behaviors may change. They may cling to one or
both of their parents. They may not want to go to strangers. Temper
tantrums as well as crying are common. A young child may exhibit changes in
their eating and sleeping patterns as well.
Children from about three years of age to around five will be able to verbalize
some questions about the divorce. They will often notice that the other
person isn’t around like they used to be. They may pose questions such as
why the other parent doesn’t go to the park with them or whey they live
someplace else.

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Children that are from the age of six to about eleven will likely know
someone who has divorced parents. They will likely know what the term
means. However, that doesn’t mean they are going to readily accept it. Be
ready for some changes in behavior as well as some very tough questions.
Displays of anger are very common with this age group as the children are
simply overwhelmed by their emotions. They may lack the skills to effectively
be able to handle what has been taking place. Do your best to get them to talk
about it even if they aren’t sure what they are feeling or why.
Older children who are from twelve and up often understand more about
divorce than any other age group. They may blame themselves or attempt to
find more detailed answers as to what was taking place. Chances are that this
older age group was well aware of some issues in the marriage before the
announcement of the divorce entered the picture.
It is very common for children in this age group to be angry at one parent and
to want to be a caregiver for the other. Do your best to get your child to see
both parents as equals. If you can offer a united front as far as the divorce
and caring for the children though it will be easier for them to do so. Children
don’t need to be your confidante when it comes to the divorce. Turn to
another adult for someone to listen or to a professional counselor.
Children of various ages will deal with divorce differently and parents need to
be aware of it. This is going to be a huge change for each person involved.
Adults need to get a handle on their own emotions though so that they can
focus their energy on meeting the needs of their children.
How you approach things with your children during the divorce process is
going to affect them for the rest of their lives. With that in mind work hard to
have a relationship with your ex on some level. Even if it is nothing more
than a hello and goodbye when you exchange the children, the kids will notice
it.

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6 Classes for those getting a Divorce who have Children
The law certainly understands that getting a divorce is your legal right. They
also want to protect the children who are involved in these relationships.
They want them to have the very best chance at a happy life. They also want
them to be able to develop quality relationships with both of their parents.
This is why some states now mandate couples who are in the process of a
divorce to attend classes.
One of the main goals of these classes for parents is to make sure they stay
involved with their children. Statistics show that less than five years after a
divorce more than half of all children are only in contact with one of their
parents. This is often due to poor communication that prevents the adults
from effectively working together for the sake of their children.
The majority of individuals who do file for divorce are great parents. They do
want to do what is best for their children. Being able to enroll in classes can
help them to be a positive influence for their children. A divorce can be
harder on children than many parents understand. It can affect how they will
form their own relationships even as adults.
Most locations that offer these types of classes for people getting divorced
with children are very flexible. You will find classes that take place during the
day, in the evening, and even on the weekends. This is to allow for the
different schedules of parents. Some of them will be one on one programs for
the parents. Others are a group of parents in the process of getting a divorce.
You may want to take some time to find out about the different programs like
these in your area. That way you can and the person you are divorcing can
agree on the best one for your needs. Get specific information on the format
of the class as well as the information that will be covered. Some individuals
don’t like the idea of a group class and so they want something that is more
private and focuses on the individual couple involved.

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Some of these classes are aimed at helping you from the very start. They will
even help you to discuss the issue of divorce with your children. This is
important because you don’t want them to be traumatized by it.
Understanding how children are affected by a divorce will help you to choose
the right way to explain the situation to them.
Each child will likely be affected by the divorce differently. You need to be
ready for that so you can help with their needs. You need to know the signs
of problems to watch for with behaviors. The age of the children is also a
factor that will affect how they handle the situation.
Many of these classes for couples in the divorce process will help each of the
parents to see the importance of working together. They can work through
issues that are going to affect their children in a positive manner. Sometimes
having the additional guidance from an expert can really help as well.
You will also find that these classes are extremely affordable. The goal is to
help those going through a divorce to have effective tools for raising their
children under such circumstances. You can find out about payment
arrangements and even getting into such classes at no cost. It will often
depend on your current financial situation. Many of them do have a sliding
scale fee though for you to benefit from.
Whether classes are required when you are filing for a divorce in your state
are required or not can be found out from your local court house. Even if it
isn’t a requirement it is something the couple is encouraged to do. This way
you can be sure you are on the right track together to do what is best for your
children. A divorce can be extremely difficult but such classes have proven to
make the process easier in many cases. Communication is Essential for
Divorced Couples with Children
Getting a divorce means you will no longer be with the person you once
thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. However, if there
are children from that marriage then you will always be linked to each other.
Many divorces are very bitter with hurt and angry feelings lasting for years.
Yet you need to do your very best to move past all of that for the sake of the
children. Effective communication between the parents is necessary in order
for them to both have an active role in what is taking place in the lives of
their children. School is a big issue for parents to be concerned with. Both
need to be attending school functions and talking with teachers about the
progress of the students.

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It is important for the children to see the parents getting along with each
other at least when it comes to their needs. A child should never have to hear
one parent talking bad about the other one. It can lead to feelings of
insecurity as well as resentment. Children should never have to choose
between their love for one parent over the other either.
Too many divorces couples use their children as a way to communicate with
their ex spouse. They place the burden of sending messages back and forth
on the children. This isn’t acceptable and it isn’t fair to the children. Instead
you need to work out being able to talk with your ex spouse about issues that
concern the children.
If it is too difficult or tense for you to talk face to face then do so over the
phone. Make an agreement to stick only to the issues that are going on with
the children. Try to be objective rather than always attempting to get your
own way. Compromise is very important when you are divorced and dealing
with issues that concern your children together.
Some couples find that notes are easier for them than talking in person or
over the phone. Again though you need to take your children out of the
equation. Don’t make them responsible for passing the notes back and forth.
With written communication a person can think before they respond and that
can help prevent emotions from dictating the conversations you are
attempting to have about your children.
It won’t always be easy to maintain good communication with your ex
spouse. In fact, that is one of the most common reasons why people end up
filing for a divorce in the first place. Yet you do want to make a sincere effort
to try. The future of your children is too important for you not to attempt to
make this work for you.
Sometimes it can help if you attend a class with your ex spouse. It can help
you to understand the importance of good communication after the divorce.
You can also learn effective techniques to use so you don’t slip into your old
behaviors. It can take some time to make this work but don’t give up on it.
Your children will certainly appreciate all of your efforts to be decent to their
other parent. It is a very important lesson that you can teach them by
example. Showing them that you still respect their other parent and include
them in important decisions shows that you really care about their well being.
Dealing with your Spouses new Love Interest Being Around your Children

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Nothing seems to generate jealousy after a divorce then when one parent has
a new love interest. In most cases it has nothing to do with the fact that their
ex has a new partner. What bothers people though is that this new love
interest will be around their children. Very few people are able to accept
someone else stepping into that role, even if only for a little while.
This is something that divorced couples do end up dealing with though. Some
individuals date seriously for a while and then move on to someone else.
Others will find someone that they eventually marry so your children will
have a step parent in their lives. Chances are you will learn about these other
people from your children.
You certainly can’t stop your ex spouse from being with someone else. There
is no law against it so even if you don’t like it you will have to make the best
of it. Since your concern will be for your children you need to make sure they
are well taken care of. If you feel your ex spouse is a good parent then you
shouldn’t have too much fear. It is extremely unlikely that they will be with
another adult who isn’t going to treat the children well.
The hatred and animosity that often grows though between an original parent
and someone that the other parent dates or marries is often unbelievable
though. You can be sure the children will quickly pick up on it. They may feel
guilty telling you that they like that other person. They may not want to be
around them as they feel it is being disloyal to their own parent.
It is important to discuss the issue openly with the children though. They may
have a hard time initially seeing their parent with someone new. Even though
most children understand divorce, secretly many of them hold out for their
parents to get back together. When they see their parents with other people
though the reality that it isn’t going to happen settles in and has to be
addressed.
It is important to express to your children that they need to have respect for
those individuals that their parents are dating or eventually marry. They need
to know those individuals don’t replace their own parents though. The lines
may be blurred here as far as rules and things so make sure you clarify what
the situation is going to be.

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You do need to be prepared for the fact that the new love interest will likely
be accompanying your ex spouse to events for your child. If you can take the
time to say hello and be warm on some level it is going to help. Likewise, you
need to avoid telling your new love interest about issues you have had with
your ex spouse. You don’t want them to have a negative perception of that
person based on what you have shared.
It can definitely sting when you see your ex spouse with a new love interest.
This is more likely to be true if you are still in love with them on some level.
Yet you have to do your best to let go. You don’t have to become best friends
with their new love, but it is to your advantage to get to know them on some
level. After all, they will be spending time with your children.

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7 Discussing the Issue of Divorce with your Children
A divorce can be a difficult time for any family, but communication is
important. The children need to understand that they aren’t responsible for
what is taking place. They also need to realize that both parents love them
and want to be a part of their lives. This can help children to deal with the
many changes that will take place with a divorce.
It is a good idea for the parents to sit down with the children to discuss the
issue of divorce. Some parents choose to do this with all of the children at
one time. Others find it is better to do so with each child one at a time. This
is often due to age differences as well as the individual personalities of each
child.
The responsibility of telling the children about the divorce should never fall
on the shoulders of only one parent. A united front needs to be displayed
from the start of it. The children will feel more secure hearing the
information from both of their parents rather than just one of them.
The children don’t need to know all of the details of why the parents are
divorcing. It shouldn’t turn into a blame game where each of the parents tries
to get the children to take their side in the matter. What they do need to know
is that their parents won’t be staying together and how that is going to affect
them.
Give children time to take in the information that is taking place. Even
though they likely have an idea that things aren’t going well in the home, they
may be shocked by the idea of a divorce. Let them know they can come to
either parent with questions that they may have about it.

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It can be a good idea to have another meeting with both parents and all the
children or each child one on one a couple of weeks later. That will give the
children some time to deal with their thoughts about the divorce. They may
be more ready to talk about it now than they were when you first told them
about it.
Be ready to offer your children more support during the divorce process.
Some children act out in anger because of it. Others many become withdrawn
due to their emotions. It is important that their needs are addresses as too
many parents are too wrapped up in their own feelings over a divorce to
provide their children with the support they need.
Older children may press for more information as to why the divorce is
taking place. Parents need to have a plan of action as to how they will handle
such questions. If one of the adults has been having an affair you may decide
it is best not to disclose that information to the children. This is a personal
choice that you need to make before you sit down to talk about the divorce
with the children though.
Parents need to come to terms with the concepts of the divorce before the
children are approached though. The children need to be reassured that they
will be fine through all of it. That can’t happen if they get the impression that
their parents aren’t okay with what is going to be taking place.
Try to share some basic plans with the children as well. For example you need
to tell them what the living arrangements will be. You also need to let them
know when the changes will be taking place. This way they can start to
prepare for what is ahead of them.
When children are involved in what is going on with a divorce they tend to
deal with it better. They don’t feel like they are just being thrown into the
middle of what is going on. A divorce is never easy for anyone, especially
when children are involved. Yet it can be a process everyone gets through if
you are willing to put your differences aside and work together to come up
with a good solution for everyone.

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8 Don’t let your Children Manipulate you when you are
Divorced
Children definitely are smarter than most of us give them credit for. They
learn quickly what will annoy their parents as well as what will please them.
Most parents are very worried about how their divorce is going to affect their
children. As a result they may give their children too much leeway. Yet that
can be something you don’t want to do very often.
It may surprise you how many children learn to manipulate their parents after
a divorce. Some parents have the attitude that their children would never do
so, but it is common. They may see it as a viable avenue to get their own way.
Young children do it as well as older children. The difference is the way they
go about it and what they are attempting to get out of the deal.
It is understandable why parents would fall for this though. After all, they
don’t want their children to be traumatized by what has taken place. They
want to see their children happy and thriving in their environment. Make sure
you are consistent with the rules you have set for your children though. They
may come to you and say a later curfew or hanging out with friends without
adult supervision makes them feel better. This is just a ploy to get you to let
them do what they want to do.
You should expect your child to attempt to test the limits though. They may
tell you they want to go live with their other parent when you don’t give in to
them. This is going to hurt you and they know it. Stand firm and tell them
you are sorry they feel that way but that you are sticking by your decision. If
you can work out similar rules at both homes with your ex this issue will be
eliminated for both of you.

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It is true that children can have conflicts in life that are a direct result of the
divorce. For example your child may have drop in their grades or changes in
their attitude. While you need to understand this, they need to know that the
divorce isn’t an excuse for letting things go. They still need to be doing their
homework and they still need to be respecting you. They need to help out at
home and do what is asked of them without problems.
Make sure you understand the difference between what your children need
and when they are attempting to get one over on you. They may find your
defenses are down after a divorce and use it to their benefit. Don’t be too
hard on your children if you find out this is what is going on. Let them know
you are disappointed though and that they aren’t going to be allowed to
continue doing it.
One of the reasons why children are able to successfully manipulate their
parents after a divorce is due to the parents feeling inadequate. They don’t
want to let their children down any more than they feel they already have.
They also have a fear that their children won’t love them as much as the other
parent if they don’t give in to their desires. That isn’t the reality of it though.
Encouraging your Children to go with the Other Parent when they don’t
want to
One of the hardest things you will have to do as a divorced parent is to
encourage your children to go with your ex when they don’t want to. As long
as they aren’t avoiding going due to some type of neglect or abuse your job is
to encourage them to go. Some children just don’t do well with change so the
transition is quite difficult. You will be doing your children a favor if you
work to make it as smooth as possible.
Don’t let your own anxiety over them leaving show. If your children feel that
you aren’t okay with them going to see their other parent then they aren’t
going to be happy about it. Let them know that you will miss them while they
are away but you are glad that they are going to be able to spend time with
their other parent. If you know things that are planned for that time then
remind them so they have something great to look forward to.
It may be a good idea for you to keep your plans to yourself about what you
are doing while the children are gone. If they feel like you are doing
something fun without them they may not want to go see their other parent.
If they ask you what you will be doing let them know the basic things such as
cleaning, working, reading a book, those types of things that they see you take
part in all the time.

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Let your child take items to the other parent’s home that are familiar. This
can be pictures, games, a blanket, or even a stuffed animal to sleep with. Too
many parents have set limits that what is at their home has to stay there. This
set up isn’t one that benefits the children though in any way.
If you have set days where you and your ex spouse trade off the children, let
them know what it will be. You can let them help to mark the days on the
calendar that they will be with each parent. This will make it less confusing
for them, especially if the parents have joint custody. This will mean there is
more back and forth than when one parent only gets to have the children
every other weekend.
Help your child to prepare for being with the other parent. You can give
them gentle reminders such as telling them that tomorrow they will be going
with their mom or their dad. You can also let them know a couple hours
before the transition will take place. Try to have a mutual agreement with
your ex that the children can call either parent when they want to. This way
you can remind them they can give you a call later to tell you how they are
doing.
It can be difficult at times to put on the smile and encourage your children to
go with the other parent. Yet it is something you need to do for them to be
happy with the transition. Some children only have such anxiety when they
are going from one parent to the other. Others experience it with both
exchanges as it is the change that bothers them.
By attempting to have some consistency at both homes though, it will help
children to get past such issues. While divorce isn’t going to be easy for them,
they are going to need the love and support of both parents to get them
through it. Don’t fail to realize how important it is for a child to know both
parents. You also don’t want to fail to realize how your own reaction to them
leaving is going to affect them. As time goes by you will have less issues with
the transitions. They may still come up now and then but they won’t be an all
the time thing anymore.

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9 Establish Very Clear Rules for Children when you are
Divorced
It can be very hard for parents to establish clear rules they agree on when they
live in the same home. This becomes even more of a challenge after a
divorce. Yet you aren’t doing your children any favors when they have two
sets of rules going on. They will use them to their advantage in many
instances. You will also find that it gets to be confusing for younger children
to follow.
In reality, you and your ex spouse aren’t going to agree on all the rules for the
children in both households. That is a war that very few people will ever win.
Yet you can do your part by attempting to come to a compromise on those
that are very important for you as well as for the well being of your children.
It is a good idea to write down the rules so that everyone knows what it to be
expected.
For example you may find that you really do want to establish a set rule
relating to bed time at both homes. This way your children will be in a set
routine and it is easier for them to adjust to the various changes that take
place when they move from one home to the next. However, you may decide
that you don’t let the kids have food in their rooms at home but your ex
spouse does. That is a rule that can be different for each household.
Curfews are also one rule that you want to have in place for both homes.
Otherwise your children will start to venture to spend more time with the
parent who gives them the most freedom. This can result in some very
serious problems for you as well as your children down the road.

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The rules that are established for both households aren’t going to be set in
stone. There may come a time when some of them need to be re-evaluated. If
you are able to communicate well with your ex spouse schedule a time for the
two of you to discuss it. Once you have come to some conclusions you can
discuss the results with the children. It is best if you can do this together
though. They will be more receptive to a united front then if only one parent
is approaching them about the rule changes.
Sometimes those rules will be in the favor of the children. For example you
may be giving them a later bed time or curfew due to being responsible and
getting older. Others may tighten the reigns somewhat such as limiting TV or
video game time. It will depend on what issues you are facing with your own
children.
Too many parents tend to feel so bad that their children are in the middle of
the divorce that they become extremely lenient. They don’t set boundaries as
they don’t want to upset their children. They also don’t want to be looked at
as the Mean One as compared to the other parent. Yet children do crave
boundaries and rules even if they won’t tell you so.
Never bend the rules that you and your spouse have agreed upon for both
households. Doing so is going to create more problems for you than it is
worth. The other parent is eventually going to find out and they will likely be
both hurt and angry over it. You may think you will win some affection from
your children if you let them have a later curfew but that isn’t going to
happen. They will have more respect for you if you stick to the established
rules that are in place.
Establishing very clear rules for children when you are divorced is a very
important part of keeping everyone happy. If you fail to see the importance
of this though you will find there are conflicts that continue to come into play
over and over again. Don’t let a power struggle result from them.
Feeling Safe about the Custody of your Children after a Divorce
Most divorced parents can’t wait until it is time to get their children back
from the other party. A big fear though is that they won’t get them back like
they are supposed to. Bring children back from visitation an hour late is much
different than not bringing them back at all. Too many parents are faced with
such a fear as a realization though. You need to make sure your custody
agreement clearly states the guidelines.

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Violating a custody agreement is very serious and most courts will pursue
prosecuting the other party. What they will get as a penalty depends on the
type of violation. For example they may not be allowed to see the children on
their own anymore since they don’t return them on time. In other scenarios
they may lose their visitation all together.
Most courts though want the children to be able to spend time with both
parents. If you don’t feel safe about what is taking place then you need to let
that be known. For example if you worry about your ex spouse drinking and
then driving with the children in the vehicle it needs to be addressed.
A specific clause can be added to the custody agreement that prevents them
from doing so. They will face stricter penalties if they do violate such terms
and conditions if they are in writing as part of the custody agreement. If you
worry that your ex spouse may take the children out of the state or even out
of the area that all needs to be documented in the custody agreement as well.
If your children have passports or the other parent has family out of the
country this is more of a concern. They will have help to hide your children
from you and that can mean it is years before you get to see them. There have
been many well documented cases of such events happening.
While adding such elements about custody of your children to the agreement,
you need to know you may still have problems. Make sure you listen to your
gut instincts and follow up if you feel something may be wrong. Many parents
do take the risk involved and run off with their children. It may be to have
them all to themselves but in many instances it is merely a way to punish the
other parent.
Tracking down your children when they have been moved to another state or
even another country can be extremely difficult. It can take a great deal of
time to locate them and the expense involved will be out of your own pocket
in most instances. Law enforcement simply doesn’t have the money or the
manpower to pursue most of these cases.
Even if you do locate your children it can be a problem to get them back if
they are in another country. There is a great deal of political issues and red
tape that can hold up the process. This is a nightmare for anyone who is
divorced and sharing custody of their children. Do your best to have such
issues covered though in the custody agreement. It can be a way to deter that
party from taking such action.

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10 How Devising a Parenting Plan can help Children with
the Issue of Divorce ?
A parenting plan can help children with the issue of divorce in many ways.
Even very young children who can’t read it or interpret it learn about
consistency. It helps them to learn to trust their parents as well as other
adults. There are many emotions that children of different ages go through
when a divorce is in progress. Identifying them and getting a plan into motion
early on is very important.
The biggest mistake for many parents when it comes to developing a
workable parenting plan is that there is too much emotion involved in it. This
needs to be written with logic ruling instead of emotions. This way the
parenting plan can be referred to when things get tough on either side of the
parenting. A parenting plan can be good for any length of time as long as it
continues to fit the objectives of what you both wish to accomplish with your
children.
A parenting plan needs to cover all the elements of issues that both parents
think are important. You need to be willing to do what is in the best interest
of the children instead of holding out for what you want. Too many parenting
plans never get off the ground because people can’t agree on anything. They
are too busy trying to control the situation or to even get revenge on the
other parent to really focus on the children.
If that is the case you may need to get a mediator involved to help with it.
This can be attorneys for both parties, a counselor, or someone who
specializes in divorce cases involving children. They can help the parents stay
on track with the development as well as the implementation of the parenting
plan.

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Regular evaluations of the parenting plan need to take place. This is because
as the children get older new issues will come into play. Others will be a thing
of the past though such as childcare arrangements. Listen to the arguments
your children make when it comes to the parenting plan as well.
Yet when it comes time to sit down and go over the information it needs to
be just the two parents involved. Sometimes the new spouses or significant
others of them are also invited to join in. This depends on the relationships
that all involved have with the children though.
There will also be changes to the parent’s schedule due to work and other
commitments. Don’t have the attitude that it isn’t your problem as that
outlook on it will just hurt your children. Try to understand that the other
parent is doing all they can to have time with the children. While you may not
enjoy that they have to go with them, it is very important for your children to
forge a quality relationship with both of you.
Once a new parenting plan has been determined, the children can be told of
what will take place by both parents. This way they don’t feel like one parent
defeated what they wanted to see put into place. When both parents can show
a united front, it also gives the parenting plan more credibility.
For children, a solid parenting plan helps to relieve their anxiety. They know
what they can expect from both of their parents. They understand that while
their parents won’t be together, they will be well cared for. They aren’t going
to be worried about what the future has in store for them. They will also love
the fact that they get to spend quality time with both of their parents.
In addition to letting everyone know what can be expected, a parenting plan
can cut down on the amount of conflict that takes place between the two
parents. All of the children will benefit from this arrangement as well. It can
certainly help to reduce the negative aspects of a divorce for the entire family.
Making Special Occassions Comfortable for Children after a Divorce
It is very important to make special occasions comfortable for children after a
divorce. You may find it is better to have birthday parties at both homes and
most children will love the extra attention. However, there will be some
events where they can’t be divided and that is where communication between
the parents is essential.

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Children don’t get a say as to what is going to happen due to a divorce. So it
is up to the parents to always keep their best interests in mind. When your
child has a dance recital, a school play, sporting events, dances, and even
graduation they will want both parents to be in attendance. You don’t want
everyone to be tense due to who will be attending the event either.
There are many children from divorces families with sad stories to share.
They will tell you how their parents were fighting during a certain gathering.
Some children will stop being involved in various activities just so they can
avoid the conflict that will arise when their parents show up at the same event
for them.
Other children have stories of one parent refusing to attend a special occasion
due to the other parent planning to be there. A child should never be placed
into such a difficult situation where they have to choose one parent over the
other. It can backfire on the demanding parent too because their children may
end up resenting them for acting in such a manner.
It doesn’t matter how old the children are either – it will still affect them. I
have seen women cry on their wedding day because their mother wouldn’t
attend the ceremony if the father was walking her down the isle. Young
children are deeply affected by this type of conflict. Don’t assume that they
don’t know what is going on as children tend to pick up on many issues that
parents don’t give them credit for.
For many newly divorced couples this can be very hard to do. They may still
be struggling with their own emotions from the divorce. It can be difficult to
see the ex spouse at events. It is okay to feel this way but you need to be
honest with your feelings about it. You may express to your child that it is
difficult to see their other parent at the event but you are willing to give it a
try for their sake. They will appreciate both your honesty and your effort.
It is the parents who really want their children to be happy that will work to
make special occasions comfortable for everyone after a divorce. They may
not want to sit together at the event or hang out, but they can be respectful of
each other. They can also set a very good example for other people on how to
always put the needs of your children first.

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For most couples, this will get easier as time goes by. The wounds from the
divorce will start to heal. They may even become somewhat friends as they
are able to focus on the good things about each other again. This is a process
that is going to take some work though. It won’t just happen and so a
conscious effort by both of the parents has to be there. Don’t let your own
foolish pride prevent your children from being able to shine at their special
occasions.

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11 Protect your Child’s Self Esteem and Identity during a
Divorce
Children experience an array of emotions when they find out their parents are
getting a divorce. It is no different from what the adults feel yet they may not
have all of the facts. This can result in children blaming themselves for the
divorce. They will remember all of the times their parents had a conflict over
them.
It is very important to talk openly with your children about the divorce. They
need to know that they aren’t the cause of it. This will help them to have a
very good sense of self worth. Many children from divorced families end up
with low self esteem as they grow up being unsure of their role in all of it.
Each person needs to have their own self identity, and that is even more so
when they parents have gotten a divorce. Children need to be able to follow
their own dreams and engage in activities that make them happy. Trying new
experiences can also help them to cope with what is going on as well.
Every attempt should be made by both parents to keep some common things
the same during the divorce. Children will recognize this and it helps them to
get their footing back. Stability is very important for children to thrive. When
you through in new family dynamics as well as living someplace new it can be
very overwhelming.
It is very important for parents to encourage their children to talk openly
about how the divorce is affecting them. Too many children hide what they
truly feel as they don’t want to make things more difficult for the parents.
They can see they are already hurting and they don’t want to compound that.
Children can be very compassionate that way.

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Yet it doesn’t help them as far as developing their own identity or with their
self esteem. Suppressing what is really going on inside of them can lead to
depression and other problems for your child. They may learn to be what they
feel others want them to be at the expense of being who it is that they really
want to be. This is a struggle that they will find difficult to deal with.
The effects of a divorce are something that happen ongoing. They don’t just
affect children when they are first told about what will be taking place. They
are going to take their cues from the adults so make sure you offer a good
example. Do your best to have a decent relationship with your soon to be ex
spouse if only for the sake of your children.
Encourage your children to do what is going to make them happy. At the
same time you need to do the same thing. You want to be able to fully
recover from the effects of the divorce yourself. If you aren’t able to, you
won’t be able to commit fully to the needs of your children.
Having good self esteem is very important for a child. They will need it to
have the desire to pursue their goals and their dreams. Knowing who you are
and being proud of that is a big part of that. While you can’t shield your
children from all of the negative emotions and burdens of a divorce you can
help them to maintain those two things. Be willing to step into their shoes
and see how things are going to affect them in the overall scheme of things.
There are too many adults out there right now carrying around scars from
their own childhood and the divorce of their own parents. In our society
divorce is very common and in many instances unavoidable. If that is the
right choice from you then make sure you do everything in your power to
help your children do more than just survive it.

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12 Providing your Children with the Support they need
during and After a Divorce
Divorce affects each child differently, even in the same family. It often
depends on their personality, their age, and the relationships they have with
each of their parents. While it can be difficult, letting your children know
what is ahead for them due to the divorce is very important.
You want to eliminate as much anxiety for them as possible. It is very
important for children to have support both during and after the divorce
takes place. They may have days when they are fine with it and others when it
is too much for them to deal with. Having open lines of communication
means they can feel safe to approach you when they need to about it.
Don’t just assume all is well though when you don’t hear from them about it
either. Take some quite time when there aren’t any distractions to ask each
child how they are coping with things. One on one discussions will allow each
child to really open up to you. They will appreciate that you respect their
feelings enough to ask as well.
It is important to understand that children who are from divorced families
often need support from other sources as well. They don’t always want to
confide in their parents. They may need to talk with peers who have been
through the same situation. They may have trusted adults that they want to
share their feelings with as well.
While it is important to know who your children are talking to, you don’t
want to get into the middle of it. Know that your children may be sharing
feelings they don’t want you to know about. They don’t want to make you
feel worse than you already do. Don’t put the person they are confiding in on
the spot by asking what is being said.

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Parents shouldn’t view this as them not being adequate for their children. It
should be viewed as a relief as you know your children are talking about the
divorce and working through it. They aren’t just keeping their feelings bottled
up inside of them. Not all children will be able to find this support on their
own. You can help them go about getting what they need though.
Counseling is a very effective tool for children, especially where the issue of
divorce is concerned. They can talk with a school counselor or a professional
that they are comfortable with. School counseling is often free though so if
the financial end of it is a problem that could work well.
Keep in mind that you aren’t going to get a report from the counselor about
what they talk with your child about. Many parents don’t like that but
confidentiality does apply to the relationship. It allows your children to open
up without worrying about what will get back to their parents. The counselor
will report to you though if they feel your child is a danger to themselves or
to others.
Family counseling can also be a good idea. If you aren’t feeling like everyone
is able to communicate openly then this can get you on the right track for it.
Don’t let those hurt feelings and misconceptions wedge barriers between you
and your children. Some counseling centers have support groups for various
ages just for children who have divorced parents.
This type of group counseling is very effective. Each child can see that others
are going through similar experiences. They can see that their emotions are
typical. They can also develop effective skills for helping them get through the
divorce as a very happy and successful individual.
Children need a great deal of support when a divorce is taking place. It can
come from many resources to help surround them with all they need. Each
child will have different needs so stay in tune to them. It is important to
remember that they will need this support long after the divorce has taken
place as well. Their feelings about it don’t get turned off when the divorce is
finalized.

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13 Should Siblings all Remain Together after a Divorce?
Children have their ups and downs with each other, but you will find it tough
times they often depend on one another. That leads to the question of
siblings being together when a couple gets divorced. Sometimes it isn’t that
simple though such as when one child doesn’t biologically belong to both
parents.
Many couples agree to have the siblings all remain together. It is easier on
everyone that way. All of the children go to the other parent at a set time as a
unit. Even though they are facing many changes, they get the benefit of
having the companionship of each other. Many siblings who come from a
divorced family will tell you how important that was to helping them get
through it.
The role that siblings play in each other’s life is fascinating. Even after they
are grown many of them remain very close. When the world is scary as it
often is during a divorce, they can support each other. No one else knows
what they are feeling except their siblings so it is a great way to be able to talk
to someone about the events taking place.
There are times though when parents choose to split up the siblings. They
may let the older children choose who they want to live with. This can be
hard for parents but they want their children to be where they are going to be
the happiest. It is the unselfish parents who are able to so this without any
problems.
Make sure you aren’t influencing your child’s decision as to who they want to
live with. They should know they can change their mind down the road if
they desire. The important thing is to find a way to maintain a very healthy
relationship with that child. They also need to be encouraged to maintain
contact with their siblings who aren’t living with them.

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It may have to do with education as well. If one parent has to relocate they
may want their children in school to stay with the other parent. They may
only have a year or two left of high school. At the least the arrangement may
be in place until the school year is finished and other plans can be made.
Finances and location can be a problem as well. A parent may want all of
their children with them but have a two bedroom apartment. With many
children that isn’t going to work out well. They may be staying with a friend
or family member and so their really is just no room. Until they can afford to
get a bigger place it may be necessary to split up the siblings.
Very young children may need to remain with their mother for various
reasons. They may be nursing or the father may not be able to provide
adequate childcare. Older children may be allowed to fly on their own back
and forth between parents. The younger children can’t do so and therefore
they remain in one place until they get older.
Another issue has to do with special needs children. They may require
additional care and medical supplies that are too difficult or expensive to have
in both locations. This may result in one parent being fully responsible for
that particular child. It depends on the abilities of the parents as well as the
severity of the medical problems that the child has.
The decision to keep siblings together after a divorce is one that each family
will have to evaluate. It may work well for the issues at hand but at other
times it doesn’t. Regardless of the decision, all of the children need to know
the divorce wasn’t their fault. They also need to have the love and
encouragement of both parents. Forging a solid relationship with each of
them is important to the overall well being of each child.

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14 Signs that your Child is not Coping well with a Divorce
In the eyes of children, divorce is very different than for the parents. They
don’t always grasp the reasons why it was necessary. You don’t want to get
too caught up in your own issues to notice what they need. For many parents
who are divorcing, the needs of their children is what they focus on. It also
helps them to get through the issue as they have more than there own needs
to worry about.
Not all children are going to come right out and tell you that they are having
trouble dealing with the divorce. There are many signs though that can be an
indication that they are struggling. You can then choose a good time to talk to
them about it. If that doesn’t seem to help you may consider having them see
a counselor.
You will likely have to use your own judgement to decide when intervention
needs to take place. Sometimes children from divorced families just need
some time alone to get htrough what they are feeling. Keep in mind that they
may have trouble dealing with it down the road instead of immediately. There
is no set time frame as to when children will have issues with dealing with
their parent’s divorce.
Anxiety is very common for children once they find out a divorce is going to
be taking place. This can cause them to have changes in their moods. They
may be happy one minute and then in tears the next. They may seem just find
one moment and then showing signs of aggression the next. Changes in their
eating habits and how well they sleep are also common.
Older children may change in appearance. They may not be paying attention
to their personal hygiene like they should. Sometimes this is just an issue with
adolescence but not always. They may rebel too so their choice of clothing
and hairstyles may be different from what they would normally be featured
with.

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Watch for signs that your child is withdrawing. They may want more time
alone to deal with their feelings so be respectful of that. However, if they
aren’t doing well in school, aren’t hanging out with friends, and don’t engage
in normal activities that they used to enjoy then they may be suffering from
depression.
It can be difficult to punish your child when they are acting out due to the
divorce. Yet you have to make sure you stay firm about boundaries. You
don’t want them to end up being violent towards you or other people. They
need to learn to deal with their feelings of anger in a positive way instead of
destroying things.
Be careful if your child is blaming others for the divorce. They shouldn’t be
putting the blame on you or their other parent. They also shouldn’t be
looking for outside things to blame such as work or other people. Help them
to see the situation for what it truly is so they can accept it.
If you are able to identify the signs that your child isn’t coping well with
divorce, you can help them to handle it better. Your child may exhibit a
variety of symptoms or just one or two. Communication is the key to helping
to discover what the true situation is and how to help them find a positive
outcome.

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15 Taking Care of your Children after a Divorce
It can be scary to think about how you will take care of your children after a
divorce. There are going to be many changes on the horizon for everyone to
deal with. Yet you need to be confident that you can take care of them. Even
if you have to turn to friends and family members for emotional and financial
support you can do it. Taking care of your own needs is vital as you can’t
successfully care for your children if you aren’t okay yourself.
Don’t be too stubborn to take advantage of the help that is offered. Ask for
what you need from those that do offer to be there for you. It may be
someone to listen to you or to care for your children for a few hours. You
may need to seek professional assistance to help you with your emotions.
Don’t be afraid to seek counseling for all of you if you feel it could be
beneficial.
Establishing a solid budget for the new family structure is important as well.
You need to know you will be able to keep a roof over their heads, clothes on
their backs, and food on the table. Cutting out unnecessary expenses is going
to have to be part of the plan for most people that have just been divorced.
In time your finances should improve and you will be able to add in some
comforts again for everyone to enjoy.
Some parents worry that their children are going to miss out on material
things due to the financial changes a divorce can bring. While it may take the
entire family some time to adjust to such changes, everyone will be just fine.
The truth is that as long as their basic needs are being met they will get by. In
fact, it may serve as a lesson that teaches them to appreciate what they do
have.
Think of cost effective things you can do as a family. You may spend the
afternoon at the park or going for a walk. Play board games or watch a movie
together. When money is tight you can all do things that allow you more time
to bond instead of being an additional expense for the family.

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Communication is very important when it comes to caring for your children
after a divorce. Make sure your children feel safe enough to come to you to
talk. If you break down in tears every time the subject of the divorce comes
up, they will clam up. While you may get emotional during the discussions
you have to be strong. If you are positive about everything turning out fine
they will believe in it as well.
Be as honest as you can about what took place and why. Children will have
various questions about the divorce. Some what to know why it happened
overall such as why the family had to deal with it. Others want to know the
specific reasons why their parents aren’t together. Make sure you fully
understand what your child is really asking before you start to answer.
You do need to do your very best to get along with the other parent. You
want to make it possible for both of you to take care of the children. In fact,
their support can help you to have the personal time you need. They may be
willing to assist you financially as well if you are struggling to make ends meet.
It can be hard to take care of your children after a divorce. Yet many parents
will tell you that is all that got them through such a difficult time in their lives.
They focused on being strong for their children and there were days that got
them out of bed. It can be hard to go from a two parent household to one,
but many people are successfully doing just that every day.

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16 The Issue of Child Support after a Divorce
Child support is an amount of money that one parent is obligated to pay the
other after a divorce. The money is used to pay for the cost of the expenses
relating to the children. This includes basic living expenses, clothing, food,
and extra items that we all know kids ask for on a regular basis. The amount
of money that has to be paid out for child support will depend on many
factors.
If the couple can agree upon a set amount of money to be paid each month
that is the best route to go. The calculations in the courts are time consuming
and very complicated. You will also be paying an attorney to take care of such
matters for you. Still, many individuals aren’t willing to pay a dime more than
they should so they want it done legally. You also have others who want every
dime they deserve so they want to make sure they are getting a fair amount.
Generally the parent who has the children the majority of the time will be
receiving the child support payments. If the custody is shared equally then no
child support may be required. In some states though that doesn’t matter.
The decision to have to pay child support depends on the amount of money
that each party is making. If they have other children from another marriage
to consider that has to be calculated in as well.
The specific laws that apply to child support will depend on what area you
live in. You can get the details from your attorney or you can look them up
online. There is a great deal of controversy surrounding the issue of child
support though. It seems to be one of those bitter issues that continues to
affect the relationship of the adults long after the marriage has ended.
Some individuals refuse to pay the court ordered child support. They don’t
think their ex spouse uses it for what it was intended for. They also do it as a
control issue that affects their ex spouse. They want to make it financially
difficult for them to get by. This is often a form of retaliation for getting a
divorce.

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Others simply can’t afford to pay the child support for one reason or another.
They may have too many other bills. The cost of paying for all the living
expenses for yourself can be very hard. When you have a huge amount of
child support to pay on top of it, you may find it almost impossible to make
ends meet.
Changes in a person’s finances such as changing jobs, getting laid off, medical
problems, and even getting married again can really affect the amount of
disposable income available. Millions of dollars in unpaid child support are
owed to parents all over the world. Some locations go to extremes to get
people to pay what they owe at any cost.
For example a parent may lose their right to drive, to hunt, or to obtain an
income tax refund if they owe child support. This is due to the fact that so
many people are relying on public assistance due to not getting the amount of
child support that is owed to them. For many divorced people, child support
can be a financial burden.
As a result they may try to get the courts to change things in their favor. For
example they may ask for more parenting time so that they can pay less in
child support. There are those that don’t get to see their children very often as
it is. So they choose to terminate their parental rights as part of a deal with the
other parent. They agree not to have any say in their children’s lives in
exchange for not having to pay any child support. This can leave children
feeling like they weren’t wanted as they don’t see the financial severity of the
issue.

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17 Try to keep some Elements the Same for Children after a
Divorce
You can do yourself and your children a huge favor if you are able to keep
some elements the same. If possible, one parent should remain in the family
home with them. This way they aren’t being uprooted from where they call
home and losing their family structure at the same time. Financially though
this scenario isn’t always possible and a move is inevitable.
For children who are in school, it is best if you can keep them in that school.
Even if you have to move it needs to be in the same school district if
possible. At least for the duration of the school year they are in you will want
this. If you have a small commute to get them there each day that is fine.
It can be almost impossible for your children to deal with divorce, a new
home, and then a new school all at once. They simply can’t deal with all of the
emotions associated with all of it at one time. Try to limit as many changes as
you can due to the divorce so that your children can hold on to the pieces of
stability that are left for them.
It can get tricky where family and friends are involved though. You may feel
uncomfortable taking them to their aunt’s house on your ex’s side of the
family. Talk opening with family and friends though to find out where
everyone is at on things. You don’t want anyone to feel out of place. You also
don’t want your children to lose out on such valuable relationships.
If you have family rituals then they should continue. For example if you all
watch a movie and each popcorn on Friday nights that should be a part of the
plan. While they will miss the other parent joining in, they will adjust to it.
They will need that time for family bonding to understand the rest of what
they have is still in place.

44
If your spouse always took the children out for ice cream on Sunday
afternoons, they should continue to do so. You have no idea how much
children look forward to these various rituals at home. There are plenty of
memories involved in them and you don’t want to take all of that away from
them due to the divorce. They already have enough on their plate to deal
with.
You can also ask them about new traditions and rituals they may want to try.
This can be as good of a time as any for some new and fun things to come
into their life. These can be memories they make with you and their siblings
that aren’t associated with the other parent. They can do the same when they
are with that parent as well.
A divorce is very difficult on children so parents have to do their part to make
it as easy as possible. Do your very best to keep some elements of their life
the same as they were before. It isn’t going to be possible to do so with
everything but do what you can. You want your children to be happy and
healthy after the divorce. This type of process will help them to heal instead
of carrying around open wounds.

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18 Visitations and Divorce
Things have certainly changed over the years and mother’s no longer end up
with custody of their children with the father getting visitations. Most courts
now want both parents to be equally involved in the parenting so joint
custody takes place. One parent may end up with slightly more time than they
other but children do get to benefit from both parents being very involved in
their lives.
This type of visitation arrangement can end up being quite difficult though. It
will take some time for everyone to get used to it. Having a calendar just for
that purpose can be very helpful. You can color code the days when the kids
will be with each parent so that there is no confusion about it for all involved.
Even young children can learn to see the different colors on the calendar and
know what their day will have in store for them.
It is best if the parents are able to come up with a reasonable visitation
schedule that works well for them. This way the children can benefit from it.
With the schedules some adults have it isn’t possible for them to care for
children in the mornings five days a week. All of that needs to be taken into
account.
When parents can’t agree on a good visitation schedule though the courts will
have to get involved. This often includes parenting time for a regular calendar
as well as how holidays will be taken care of. Generally the children with
switch holidays each year with each parent to make it as fair as possible. The
exceptions are often Mother’s Day and Father’s Day which they will spend
with the parent that fits that category.
Where many children end up suffering with such visitations though is due to
the parents strictly following it. Children find that being with their friends is a
very important part of their life. When they are missing out on social
gatherings due to having to go with the other parent it can become tiresome
and frustrating for them.

46
There are also events that will take place and children have to miss them due
to going with the other parent. It can be weddings, reunions, birthdays, or
vacations with one side of the family. It just isn’t possible to schedule all of
these events around the visitation schedules of those family members who
have gotten divorced.
It is the wise parent who is willing to give up some of their parenting time for
the benefit of their children. They are willing to let them stay with the other
parent a day here or there so they can attend such events. This needs to be a
two sided street though with both parents being willing to bend a little. Such
flexibility when it comes to the visitation schedules can take some of the
horror out of a divorce for the children involved.
There are too many parents though that are very strict as to the visitation
schedule that is set up. If they are to get their children at 6 pm on Friday night
that is what they are going to do. They don’t take into consideration the
feelings of the children when they do this. It can make children feel hurt as
well as resentful though so you need to make sure you realize how such
behaviors affect them.
Of course you do have to make sure you don’t get taken advantage of. If the
other parent seems to have too many things planned on a regular basis that fit
into your visitation time you need to discuss it with them. The children also
need to realize that you can’t always change your visitations with them to
allow them to attend other events. If you are very reasonable with the process
though it should be able to work out for everyone involved.
What to do when your Ex doesn’t want to see the Children after a Divorce
In most divorces where people have children, they fight to be able to see
them as much as possible. It can be hard to share them but that is what has to
be done in order for everyone to win. A plan is made and approved as far as
parenting time and the children are encouraged so that they can adjust to it.
Yet not everyone wants to have a role in the lives of their children after a
divorce.
As difficult as this may be to understand it is the truth. There are many
reasons why a person doesn’t want to have anything to do with their children
after a divorce. They may feel that it is their family holding them back so they
want to start all over on their own. Others have too many personal issues to
take care of anyone but themselves right then. That has to be respected even
though it can be difficult.

47
In other instances, the parent who leaves doesn’t feel like it will be in the best
interest of the children to be with them. They want what is best for them and
they feel that is with the other parent. Some people have the misconception
that it is only men who walk away from their children. Yet many women
choose to do it as well.
Sadly, another scenario is that the parent is going to be with someone else.
Their new partner may not be ready for a family or want children around at
all. It is scary to think a person would choose a lover over their flesh and
blood but it does happen. All of these scenarios do ensure the children are
with someone who does want them though and that is the positive side of the
issue.
Children can be severely affected by this type of scenario. They can definitely
blame themselves for their parent removing themselves from their lives.
Sometimes they will blame the parent they are with too for running them off.
This is a discussion you need to have with your children. You can decide how
honest you want to be with them about it.
While you don’t want to be making excuses for the parent, you don’t want to
damage your child’s self esteem either. It is better to say that they are
consumed right now with getting their own life on track than to say they
don’t want to be with you because their new girlfriend doesn’t like children.
It can be difficult when your ex doesn’t want to see the children after a
divorce. You can choose to find out why if you desire. Some people are
happy with the arrangement and so they don’t pursue it. They may still be
paying child support even though they don’t take an active role in the life of
the children.
Keep in mind how you handle the situation is gong to affect your children.
Make sure they understand that it isn’t their fault their parent doesn’t want to
see them at this time. While it isn’t fair that this responsibility falls on your
shoulders you need to take care of it for the sake of your children. They can
choose to attempt to work out a relationship with their absent parent when
they are an adult if they want to pursue it.

48
19 When you need to Protect your Children from a Parent
after a Divorce
It can be difficult to decide to get a divorce when you are afraid of what will
be going on with your children when they are out of your sight. Sometimes it
is unfounded fear that has to do with control issues. Other times though it
has to do with the history of the other parent that has lead up to the divorce.
If a parent has problems with alcohol or drug abuse the children may be in
danger. There is enough evidence to suggest that the behaviors of such
individuals are often unpredictable. A history of violent behavior is another
reason to try to keep the children from being alone with that parent. Even if
the children were never physically harmed, they may have witnessed such
behavior or been emotionally abused.
Sexual abuse is a complaint that can come up as well. This is even harder to
prove as many parents claim it as a ploy to prevent children from leaving. It
has been proven false in enough cases to make judges weary. Yet sexual abuse
on children at the hands of their own parents does happen. Make sure you
follow the legal advice of your attorney if you have such claims to bring up in
order to protect your children from further abuse.
It is very important that you have as much information documented as you
can. While you don’t necessary want to drag your spouse through the mud
you have every right to protect your children. You may have documents on
file with the local police department. Yet many people don’t report such
incidents and so they may not be there.
Document witnesses though that may have seen what was taking place.
Neighbors may have seen arguments, friends may have seen bruises, and your
doctor may have information on file as well. Keep in mind that the courts
may view a great deal of the information like this you bring in as hearsay but
do what you can to get them to see the relevance of it.

49
If nothing else they may order an evaluation of both parents. This way they
can get an expert opinion about the mental well being of the individuals.
These assessments are in place to look for patterns of behavior that may not
be good for children to be exposed to. The court is often in a difficult
position though. On one hand they don’t want to prevent children from
seeing a parent due to the stories of the other. However, they definitely don’t
want to place children into the hands of a person who is going to cause them
harm.
The court may rule that there isn’t enough evidence to prove the parent
shouldn’t be alone with the children. They may decide that parenting classes
as well as anger management or drug/alcohol treatment must be completed
before they can be alone with the children. The court also has the right to
initiate only supervised visitations for that parent.
If you feel your children are in danger at the hands of the other parent though
you need to speak up. We read too many cases these days of children being
abused, neglected, and even killed at the hands of a parent. It is your right and
your duty as their parent to do all you can to get the facts out there and to
protect them from any such harm.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Al Fiqi Haytham is a Cairo born criminal lawyer who obtained his
Bachelor's Degree in Law from the University of Mansoura in 1997. His is a
correspondent and editor for the New Egypt press and is supported by the
Supreme Council of the Press. He has also published various legal essays and
has acted as an adviser to nursing staff in many different medical facilities.

Parenting Through Divorce

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