This was released as Episode 376 of Counselor Toolbox Podcast. You can find specific episodes and CEU courses based on the podcasts at https://allceus.com/counselortoolbox You can also subscribe on your favorite podcast app like Apple Podcasts, Google Play or Castbox.
1. Love You, Hate the Porn
by Mark Chamberlain, PhD
Facilitator: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director: AllCEUs Counselor Education
Host: Counselor Toolbox Podcast
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 1
2. Objectives
Explore the impact of pornography on relationships
Identify common reactions to finding out about porn
Explore needs that may fuel negative cycles
Interventions “Relationship Rescue Breaths”
Improving intimacy
Dealing with insecurity, vulnerability and grief
Helping your partner understand what porn does for
you
Addressing triggers for porn use
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 2
3. Prevalence and Problems
70.8 percent of men and 45.5 percent of women
thought they would watch.
22.3 percent of men and 26.3 percent of women
thought pornography had no role in a romantic
partnership (Olmstead et. al)
Michael Kimmel reported in his 2008 book Guyland,
young men often watch porn with their peers and for
different reasons than older men. Kimmel writes that
“guys tend to like the extreme stuff, the double
penetrations and humiliating scenes. They watch it
together with guys and they make fun of the women
in the scene.
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 3
4. Impact of Pornography on Relationships
“After viewing pornography, participants became less
satisfied with their real-life sexual partners, saw
monogamy as less desirable and faithfulness to one’s
spouse as less important, and were more prone to
overestimate the prevalence of less common sexual
practices” (p. 5)
“After viewing pornography subjects became more
cynical in their attitudes about love and more
accepting of the idea that superior sexual satisfaction
It attainable without having affection for one’s
partner” (p. 5) (Zillman and Bryant 1988)
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5. Impact of Pornography on the Relationship
“The partner viewing the pornography had less
faith in his wife’s fidelity.” (p. 6)
Spouses/partners complained that
Their pornography using partner had less sexual desire
for them
They way they were treated during sex made them feel
more like a sex object (Bergner & Bridges 2002)
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 5
6. Impact of Pornography on Relationships
Association between consumption of
pornography and engaging with multiple and/or
occasional partners, emulating risky sexual
behaviors, assimilating distorted gender roles,
dysfunctional body perception, aggressiveness,
anxious or depressive symptoms
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30761817
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7. Effects of Pornography
Robust dopamine response
Void of oxytocin after masturbation
Sleep deprivation
Erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and an inability
to reach orgasm
Body adjusts to the intensity of the neurochemical
response by dampening its response leading people to feel
worse than before they started
The shame of pornography use builds walls between
partners brick by brick
Porn is always available
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8. Effects of Pornography
The more people seek pornography, the more
isolated they feel
Porn teaches viewers to objectify their partners
Porn sets unrealistic standards and expectations
Partners who have caused pain in their
relationships may feel they have lost privileged
status and withdraw out of shame and to spare
the NP partner the pain.
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9. Common Reactions
Helplessness
Inability to look at spouse
without being reminded of the
infidelity
Nightmares
Worrying your partner is
thinking about the porn when
with you
Suspicion
Hypervigilance to your
partner
Depressive/GAD symptoms
Withdrawing from others
Becoming more critical
towards your partner
Becoming increasingly angry
toward your partner
May want to turn to the PU
Partner for reassurance and
comfort and “punch him in
the face and get him away
from me” at the same time
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10. Questions the NP Partner May Ask
Why am I not enough?
Am I not desirable?
Does he/she want to leave me?
Does he/she think about porn when he/she is with
me?
What else has he/she lied about?
Is he/she having an affair?
How could I have missed this?
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11. Functions of Pornography
Self-soothing
Instead of turning to partner
Due to alexthymia (confusing different drives, inability to
articulate the problem)
Sense of connection
Vitality
“The very [people] who are most desperate for
affection and approval are the ones who usually can’t
ask for it; instead they project blame and rejection
and perceive the worst in others.” (p. 114)
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12. Needs Fueling Negative Cycles
Husbands need acceptance from their wives
When a husband’s pornography viewing is discovered he
may feel like he is now unacceptable
Wives need a sense of closeness with their partner
When a husbands pornography viewing is discovered
she may feel like he is sharing the most intimate part
of himself with someone else (even if only in fantasy)
When partners turn to porn when distressed, that
denies their SO the opportunity to nurture and provide
acceptance and validation (reaching out vs acting out)
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13. Why It Is Hard to Be There
Stress hormones are dumped when people
experience distress
Gottman found that women tended to present as more
heated and passionate while men actually reacted
internally and physically to a much greater degree and
took longer to re-regulate.
When in distress
Women tend to share their distress to soothe it
Men tend to try to fix it or avoid it altogether
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14. Heat, Hurt and Hope
Heat is an emotionally intense situation
Hurt is the fear that situation brings regarding the
relationship
Hope is the willingness to convey to your partner
exactly what is going on and what you need.
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15. Emotional Trauma
Trauma is a sense of helplessness and loss of
control and safety.
Why does the NP partner feel unsafe?
The NP partner may be traumatized by the use of
pornography as well as the awareness of the
secrecy and lying that accompanied it.
The porn stole the partner
The NP partner had the “emotional breath”
knocked out and now needs to restore it
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16. Emotional Trauma
Common methods of trying to restore trust and
safety
Checking computer histories for ongoing betrayal
In-depth questioning about whats and whys
Checking cell phone records
Obsessing about appearance
Withdrawing to self protect
Lashing out in anger to make the hurt known
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17. Dealing with Vulnerability
Most partners have more moments of insecurity
and vulnerability as things progress toward
restoration
They will need more reassurance
Security is not everlasting it is like a
battery that regularly needs to be recharged
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18. Dealing with Grief
Grief comes in waves
It doesn’t necessarily represent holding on to
resentment.
Identify grief triggers
Develop distress tolerance skills
Write the new narrative
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19. Questions to Discuss
How do you experience life differently now than before
the discovery of my pornography use?
How have my behaviors impacted your feelings and beliefs
about intimacy?
What fears do your currently have about the relationship?
What makes them worse? Better?
What do we need to do so that you can feel safer?
What aspects of my behavior were most painful for you?
What do you see as being the most important priority in
our relationship at this time?
More questions on pages 84-85
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20. Purging the Pain
Make opportunities to discuss feelings and the right
course of action
Set aside adequate time each day to talk in greater
depth and just listen to fears, frustrations and hurts
and understand and empathize. (both ways)
You don’t need to verbally respond to fix it, convince your
partner you are doing better etc. Listen. Empathize.
The speaker needs to avoid getting upset if the
listener does not say the exact right thing. (Otherwise
the listener will be focusing more on the response
than what is being said)
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21. Relationship Rescue Breaths/Intimacy
Be fully honest about past sexual behavior
Provide accountability for whereabouts
Commit to complete electronic transparency
Show a willingness to seek help
Initiate family activities and 1 on 1 activities
Offer to spend time talking about the NP partner’s day
Recognize that physical presence does matter
Don’t try to prove what isn’t – Do more of what needs to be
Stop explaining, defending and minimizing. Just let the NP
partner be heard.
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22. Relationship Breaths cont…
Help your partner get what we all want---the feeling of
being loved
Talk about what it looks like to be loved
Pay attention to each others love language
Create greeting and parting rituals
Increase touch –or at least closeness
Communicate more
Share mealtime mindfulness
Validate and appreciate the other person (acceptance)
Listen and empathize (closeness)
Share laughter
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 22
23. Other Interventions
Install net-nanny programs
Install firewalls that only the NP partner has the
password to
Begin gradually reconnecting---Consider taking
sex off the table for a month
When unable to masturbate, courting type behaviors
may re-emerge.
Open a dialog about sex (yes-no-maybe list)
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 23
24. Summary
Pornography viewing impacts the viewer
Cognitively
Emotionally
Physically
Interpersonally
The NP Partner often feels betrayed because she/he feels
the porn dominates the UP partner’s thoughts and
fantasies
Pornography use is often a means to self-soothing and
relief or pleasure during periods of distress
Masturbation’s effects on the UP user’s physiology can
lead to obsessing about porn and the compulsion to watch
it
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