Codependency and Abandonment Fears

1. Addressing
Co-Dependency and
Abandonment Fears
Instructor: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director: AllCEUs Counselor Education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox

2. Objectives
 Review attachment theory
 Define codependency
 Learn about core abandonment fears
 Identify ways that codependent behaviors might be
ways to cope with abandonment trauma
 Explore tools and activities to help clients recognize
their fear-related and codependent behaviors and
take effective action.

3. What is Attachment Theory?
 Attachment behaviors, such as crying, calling and
searching, are adaptive responses to separation from
with a primary attachment figure someone who provides
support, protection, and care.
 Maintaining proximity to an attachment figure via
attachment behaviors increases the chance for survival
 From our initial attachment relationship we learn
 How scary or safe the world is.
 How trustworthy others are
 If we can trust our own feelings
 What it is like to be loved.
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4. What is Attachment Theory?
 The attachment system essentially "asks" the following
fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby,
accessible, and attentive?
 If the answer is "yes," the person feels loved, secure, and confident,
and, behaviorally, is likely to explore his or her environment, interact
with others.
 If the answer is "no," the person experiences anxiety and, is likely to
exhibit attachment behaviors ranging from simple visual searching to
active following and vocal signaling on the other
 These behaviors continue until either
 The person is able to reestablish a desirable level of physical or
psychological proximity to the attachment figure
 Until the person "wears down."
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5. Triggers for Attachment
 Certain kinds of events trigger a desire of
closeness and comfort from caregivers.
 Three main sets of triggers:
 Conditions of the person (fatigue, hunger, illness,
pain, cold, etc.) (HALT)
 Conditions involving the caregiver (absent,
departing, discouraging of proximity, giving
attention to another, etc.)
 Conditions of the environment (alarming events,
criticism or rejection by others)
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6. Impact of Attachment
 How loved or unloved we feel as children deeply affects
the formation of our self-esteem and self-acceptance. It
shapes how we seek love and whether we feel part of life
or more like an outsider.
 As we individuate we often again seek approval.
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7. Consequences of Abandonment
 When biological and safety needs are not met, it can trigger
anxiety at any age.
 Fear of abandonment is a natural survival response when a person
feels unlovable, ineffective/helpless
 When people feel like they are not getting their own needs met,
they often have difficulty effectively meeting the needs of
others.
 Every stressful situation becomes a crisis because they are already
in “threat mode.”
 Fear of Rejection/isolation, Loss of control/the unknown, Failure
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8. Signs of Abandonment Issues
 Attach to quickly
 Move on too quickly
 Partner pleaser
 Settle for bad relationships
 Constantly looking for flaws
 Reluctant to fully invest in a
relationship
 Difficulty trusting
 Avoid emotional intimacy
 Feel unworthy of love
 Jealous of virtually everyone
 Hypervigilance and over
analysis
 Repressed Anger
 Overly controlling
 Self-sabotage
 Blame yourself for breakups
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 In what ways do these behaviors protect the person from
abandonment?

9. Reactions to Fears of Abandonment
 How do these supposedly prevent abandonment? What
maintains them? What are the long-term consequences?
 Fight (You don’t want to leave me because…)
 Aggression, hostility, blaming, criticizing
 Dominance or trying to control others
 Recognition seeking to get attention/validation/approval
 Manipulation and exploitation (seduction, lying, justifying)
 Clinging and chasing
 Shame (Self anger) about feeling needy
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10. Reactions cont…
 How do these supposedly prevent abandonment? What
maintains them? What are the long-term consequences?
 Flight (I don’t care if you leave)
 Withdrawal (physical, emotional, including addiction)
 Distraction
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11. Co-Dependency
 Codependency describes a type of relationship
in which:
 One partner defines his or her worth or goodness
based on someone else
If I can save this person it means I am good
If this person loves me, it means I am lovable
 The codependent person often chooses relationships
in which the other person needs to be rescued,
thereby making himself or herself indispensable.
How might this result from low self-esteem and fear of
abandonment?

12. Characteristics of Codependency
 In what ways do these behaviors prevent
abandonment? What maintains them?
 Avoidance confrontation/poor communication
 Inability to identify feelings (except chronic anger)
 Confuse pity and love
 Neglect your needs to attend to another’s first
 Accept verbal or physical abuse by others
 Take responsibility for the actions of others
 Need to control others
 Feel shame when others make mistakes
Recovery & Resilience International in partnership with AllCEUs.com
Co-Occurring Disorders Recovery Coaching Curriculum

13. Characteristics of Codependency
 In what ways do these behaviors prevent
abandonment? What maintains them?
 Do more than your share at work, or at home
 Refuse to ask for help
 Need others’ validation to feel good about yourself (not
feel hurt)
 Think everyone’s feelings are more important than your
own
 Feel trapped in the relationship but stay to avoid feelings
of abandonment
 Enmeshment/poor boundaries
 Overcommitment/overwhelmed
Recovery & Resilience International in partnership with AllCEUs.com
Co-Occurring Disorders Recovery Coaching Curriculum

14. Core Abandonment Beliefs
 Abandonment: All people leave.
 Mistrust: People will hurt, reject, take advantage of me or
just not be there when I need them.
 Emotional Deprivation: I don’t get the love I need. Nobody
understands me, cares about me or even tries to meet my
needs.
 Defectiveness: If people knew me they would reject me.
(Feeling-Based Reasoning, Examine the facts, find
exceptions)
 Failure. I don’t measure up. I am not able to succeed.
*Notice the all or nothing language in these schemas.
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15. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Abandonment: All people leave.
 What does it look like to be available (not abandon)?
 Who in your past left you or was unavailable emotionally?
 What did they do to make you feel rejected/abandoned?
 What are alternate explanations?
 Who in your past has been available to you emotionally?
 Who in your present is available to you emotionally?
 What do you do in your current relationships that causes
people to leave?
 Push them away How? Alternatives?
 Cling How? Alternatives?
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16. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Mistrust: People will hurt, reject, take advantage of me or
just not be there when I need them.
 What does it look like when someone is trustworthy and safe?
 Who in your past was untrustworthy or unsafe?
 What did they do that taught you people were untrustworthy or
dangerous?
 What are alternate explanations?
 Who in your past has been trustworthy and safe?
 Who in your present is available trustworthy?
 What do you do to yourself that is unsafe or dishonest?
 How does your distrust impact your current relationships?
 What could you do differently?
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17. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Emotional Deprivation: I don’t get the love I need. Nobody
understands me, cares about me or even tries to meet my needs.
 What does it look like when someone understands you and meets your
needs?
 How do you communicate your needs?
 Who in the past failed to meet your needs emotionally, and how can you
deal with that now?
 Who in your past has understood you?
 Who in your present cares about you and wants to understand?
 How can you start better understanding yourself and taking care of you?
 What can you do to start getting your needs met?
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18. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Defectiveness: If people knew me they would
reject me.
 Is this based on facts or feelings?
 How will you know when you are accepted/acceptable?
 Who in your past made you feel defective?
Are there alternate explanations?
How can you silence those old tapes?
 Who in your past has been accepting and supportive?
 Who in your present is accepting and supportive?
 How can you start accepting yourself?
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19. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Failure. I don’t measure up. I am not able to succeed.
 To what or who’s standards do you not measure up?
 What does it look like to be successful?
 Clients may need help with goal setting
 What in your past made you feel like a failure?
 What are alternate explanations/ways of viewing it?
 What have you succeeded at in the past?
 What are you good at in the present?
 *Pay attention to minimization
 What does being successful mean in terms of your relationships?
 Who are 3 successful people you know. What makes them successful?
 Does success = happiness?
 What do your kids need to do to be successful in your eyes?
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20. Behavioral Triggers
 Abandonment/Mistrust
 Change in someone’s behavior
 Not getting constant reassurance
 The other person’s relationships feel threatening
 Hypervigilant to rejection and disconnection
 Questions for clients
 How has this threatened you in the past?
 What are alternate explanations?
 What would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors now?
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21. Behavioral Triggers
 Defectiveness/Failure
 Criticism
 Unexplained time apart
 Absent or inconsistent reassurance
 Failure
 Questions for clients
 How has this threatened you in the past?
 What are alternate explanations?
 What would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors now?
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22. Envisioning Activity for Clients
 What does a healthy relationship look like?
 Presence vs. abandonment
 Acceptance vs. rejection
 Emotional support/compassion vs. emotional
unavailability
 Trustworthiness vs. untrustworthiness
 Safe vs. harmful
 How can you…
 Create this relationship with yourself?
 Create this relationship with others?
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23. Mindfulness Questions for Clients
 What am I feeling?
 What is triggering it?
 Am I safe (emotionally and physically) now? If not, what do I
need to do?
 Is this bringing up something from the past?
 How is this situation different?
 How am I different?
 How can I silence my inner critic?
 What would be a helpful reaction that…
 Moves you more toward your goals
 Moves you toward a positive emotional experience
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24. Summary
 Core beliefs about self, others and relationships are
formed in early life
 Identifying and being mindful of abandonment
triggers in the present can help people choose
alternate, more helpful ways of responding.
 Codependents do not feel worthy or lovable. They
need someone else to validate them
 Recovery involves
 Developing a sense of self-worth
 Addressing the depression and anxiety
 Learning about and creating a network of healthy
relationships
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