1. The Other Victims of
Pornography
Establishing Boundaries
with Loved Ones
Lili Anderson, Ph D
Protecting Children & Families From
Pornography
November 1, 2003
Lilianderson.com
2. Effects of Pornography on a
Marriage Relationship
Loss of emotional intimacy
Sexual demandingness
Unfaithfulness
Loss of common interests and concerns
Escalation of negative factors, decrease of positive
factors in the relationship
Loss of sensitivity
3. Addictions Experienced by
Family Members of
Pornography Addicts
Patrick Carnes
Chemical dependency 42%
Eating disorder 38%
Compulsive working 28%
Compulsive spending 26%
Compulsive gambling 5%
5. Partner may try to compete --
increasing frequency of sex to keep the focus
on the relationship
The partner ends up feeling more and
more objectified as they end up
“competing” with pornographic images.
7. Deal with Your Emotions
Understand that when our basic needs are
threatened, anger, pain, grief, fear, stress,
and other negative emotions are generated.
The most common response to such
negative emotions is a combination of –
– Expressing the anger
– Repressing the anger
8. Expressing Anger
Is damaging to relationships
Is not an effective means of communication
Doesn’t resolve problems
11. Emotional Support
Need to achieve “Catharsis”
– Cleansing through Expulsion
– Comes from Acceptance (not approval) of
feelings
Three major resources for Catharsis
– Trusted Listener
– Writing
– Spiritual Resources
13. Try to Understand the
Problem
Roots of the problem are almost always in
the past of the addict
14. Don’t try to understand from a
woman’s perspective --
Women are “Crockpots”
More focus on intimacy, shared experience
and emotional exchange.
Men are “Microwaves”
Lust builds to become a driving force
with pornography addicts.
15. Women, because of emotional/physical
connection are hurt very deeply.
Men may have a hard time understanding
the depth of women’s pain.
16. 10 Things Women Should Know --
1. You are not the source of the problem.
2. You are not responsible for his behavior.
3. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.
4. You are not the source of the problem.
5. You are not responsible for his behavior.
6. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.
7. You are not the source of the problem.
8. You are not responsible for his behavior.
9. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.
10. Repeat the above as necessary.
17. “Confrontation is really
your only power.”
Marsha Means
Author who wrote about her husband’s struggle with pornography
21. Where there is no direct threat --
Separation should be the exception,
not the rule.
22. You should separate
IF
you or your children are being:
Exploited
Victimized
Enduring ongoing verbal abuse
Enduring emotional cruelty
23. If separation occurs --
Make it real.
Total separation forces a spouse to see
what losing his or her family completely
would be like.
24. Be reasonable in your expectations of his or
her ability to change
Maintain your own standards
Believe change can occur and be aware of
positive changes
25.
26. Important “Don’ts”
Don’t ignore the signs of your partner’s double life
Don’t accede to your partners unhealthy sexual demands
Don’t tolerate abusive behavior toward yourself or your
children
Don’t place yourself at risk for serious disease
Don’t cover up for your partner’s behavior by lying or
making excuses for him to bosses, coworkers, friends and
family
