Listening for effect – learn what all great leaders know
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To be an effective leader you have to listen. Active listening is often the neglected partner within the effective communication dyad. Active listening requires that we invest time in re-learning our listening behaviors.
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Listening for effect – learn what all great leaders know
- 2. Who Am I????? 1. An ICF professionally Certified Coach 2. I provide individual and group coaching programs 3. I offer high impact high energy interventions. 4. I support agencies organizations and individuals • self awareness • deeper engagement • group cohesion and • organizational understanding MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 2
- 3. Welcome To Dr Tina’s Free Executive Leadership Webinar Series….. • You Choose future Webinar Topics Check Out the list at www.mcgconsultinggroup.com/training Sample programs offered… • 1813 Align Team Dynamics Around Positive Behavior And Desired Cultural Norms • 1818 Coaching – A Strategic Tool For Effective Leadership • 1834 Dynamic Listening Skills For Successful Communication • 1851 How To Improve Your Communication Skills • 1869 Leadership Skills And Team Development For Technical Professionals • 1933 How Great Managers Eradicate Workplace Incivility MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 3
- 4. Webinar Goal The goal of this webinar is to acknowledge that… 1. To be an effective leader you have to listen. 2. Active listening is often the neglected partner within the effective communication dyad. 3. Active listening requires that we invest time in re-learning our listening behaviors. MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 4
- 5. What Will You Learn? You will learn about… 1. How Most Of Us Listen Today Examine how we currently listen and why we listen this way. Understand what brought us to this point. 2. Explore Why Effective Listening Matters Examine the value of effective listening skills. Understand the power achieved in becoming an effective listener. 3. Examine 8 Strategies For Effective Listening To improve your listening skills to strengthen your leadership and enhance follower engagement. … MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 5
- 6. #1: How Most Of Us Listen Today MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 6
- 7. What Ideas Does This Image Invoke? MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 7
- 8. What Ideas Does This Image Invoke? “We Have Two Ears And One Mouth So We Can Listen Twice As Much As We Speak.” -Epictetus (AD 55 – C.135) [Ep-ik-tee-tuh S]MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 8
- 9. Typically Humans Speak … … at a rate of 125-150 words per minute MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 9
- 10. Human Brain Can Comprehend And Listen… … at a rate of 600 words per minute MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 10
- 11. #2: Explore Why Effective Listening Matters MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 11
- 12. Dynamic Listening Skills Enable Successful Leadership Communication Influence Relationships Morale Productivity Engagement MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 12
- 13. Communication MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 13
- 14. Influence MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 14
- 15. Relationships MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 15
- 16. Morale MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 16
- 17. Productivity MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 17
- 18. Engagement MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 18
- 19. MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 19
- 20. #3: Examine 8 Strategies For Effective Listening To improve your listening skills to strengthen your leadership and enhance follower engagement. MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 20
- 21. #1: Minimal Encouragers MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 21
- 22. #2: Open-Ended Questions •Such as questions that cannot be answered with a single word like “yes” or “no”! Say More! MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 22
- 23. #3: Paraphrasing (a summary in your own words of what you have been told) MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 23
- 24. #4: Emotion Labeling (being attuned to the emotion behind the words they are saying) MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 24
- 25. $5: Reflecting/Mirroring (repeating last word or phrase…) • “Her dad threw us out of the house just like that!” • “just like that!” • “The FBI agent shot and killed the guy” • “killed the guy!?” • “that’s what Mary said!” • “Mary Said!?” MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 25
- 26. $6: Summarization (brief restatement of core them es) MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 26
- 27. #7:Effective Pauses (Silence can be effective on a number of levels) • You can use silence just before or just after you say something…. MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 27
- 28. #8: “I” Messages • A father wants his young child to stop calling him rude names during playtime. • Common response: “Hey! If you call me a rude name one more time, I’m going to send you straight to bed!” •“I” statement response: “I feel very sad when I hear rude words because they hurt my feelings. I like playing with people who use nice words.” MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 28
- 29. #8: “I” Messages • A woman becomes angry when her sister borrows her favorite coat and returns it with stains and a tear. • Common response: “You ruined my jacket! Are you ever going to grow up?!” • “I” statement response: “I feel upset when you do not take care of my things because I cannot afford to replace them. I need you to take care of my things like I do if you are going to borrow them.” MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 29
- 30. #8: “I” Messages • A teenage boy is annoyed with his parents, who ask him several times each night if he has completed his homework. • Common response: “Lay off me!” • “I” statement response: “I feel frustrated and annoyed when I am reminded over and over to do my homework. I am old enough now to complete my homework without reminders.” MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 30
- 31. What Did You Learn? You learnt about… 1. How Most Of Us Listen Today 2. Explore Why Effective Listening Matters 3. Examine 8 Strategies For Effective Listening MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 31
- 32. Questions • How does listening for effect vary from active listening? MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 32
- 33. Thankyou And I Hope That You Enjoyed Another Free Executive Leadership Webinar ….. • Choose future FREE Webinar Topics from among the 100+ training/group coaching and topics offered by Dr. Tina. Take a look at the website and let me know what topic you are interested in... http//www.MCGConsultingGroup.com/training • If you want to discuss individual training or coaching needs just send me a note at DrTina@MCGConsultingGroup.com MCG Consulting Group (www.MCGConsultingGroup.com) 33
Editor's Notes
- Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
- The three part message consists of describing a behavior, then stating an event that is a direct consequence of the behavior, and finally expressing a feeling that results from the event. 1 2 3 Behavior Event Feeling 1. A behavior that causes problems is inserted here. The behavior must be specific and incontrovertible. If there is disagreement about whether the behavior actually occurred or if the right parties are not included the effect of the "I" message will be minimized. Behavior examples When you ate my lunch. When you gave me eight hours of calculus homework. When you call me a nerd. 2. An event specifically related to the problematic behavior is inserted here. The event should be something that is easily identified and would be agreed to by both communicators. It is very important that the behavior and the event immediately linked and that the event be something that occurred as a direct result of the behavior. Event Examples I had nothing to eat. I had no time for myself on Saturday. Other people heard it. 3. A feeling word that was triggered by the event and is non-threatening to the person being given the "I" message. Good Feeling Words Bad Feeling Words Hungry Angry Overwhelmed Upset Embarrassed Like I want to get even Got the idea?? Now let's put the "I" messages together. Bill, when you ate my lunch, I had nothing to eat, and I was hungry. Mrs. Smith, when you gave me eight hours of calculus homework, I had no time for myself on Saturday, and I was overwhelmed. Karen, when you called me a nerd, other people heard it, and I was embarrassed. So what do Bill, Mrs. Smith and Karen say now that the "I" message has been delivered? If they are adults, (remember that this is not as a result of age or maturity but in an adult TA state, and if we have correctly delivered the message), hopefully they will see the problem from an adult perspective. The listener mayor may not change their behavior but, now there will be room for continued discussion like.... "Gee, I am sorry I ate your lunch. I won't do it again." or "It really took you eight hours to do your calculus homework?" or "But you are a nerd." Ah, so then what about when the person we are dealing with is not acting like an adult? Karen is not acting logically or reacting from an adult perspective. So what do we do? We simply repeat the "I" Message exactly as first delivered. "Karen, when you called me a nerd, other people heard it and I was embarrassed." We give Karen another chance to act in an adult state. In fact, we give her up to three chances to act like an adult. If she is not insistent on acting like a child, most likely she will respond as an adult by the third time, which seems to be the charm. But if she doesn't, then most likely the fault lies in the message or possibly in the receiver not being in an adult state. We can wait for the other person to move into an adult state or move on to conflict management is, after all, the adult thing to do. A few "I" Message reminders and tips: 1. Use the script when practicing "I" messages. 2. Practice delivering "I" messages. Practice on a partner. 3. Use the person's name to begin the message. People like hearing their names. 4. Deliver "I" messages one to one, never in public." 5. Never deliver an "I" message when you are angry. "I" messages do not have to be done by any particular person, or even the person most concerned about the behavior. They can be delivered by any person, observing the problematic behavior who would like to improve the communication or change the behavior. Consider this "I" message for Karen. "Karen, I was in calculus class when you called Barbara a nerd. (behavior) I overheard you say that (event) and I was embarrassed."(feeling) The most effective "I" message is a positive one. We know that positive reinforcement works much better than negative reinforcement. Try to catch people doing things right, and let them know they were observed. Congratulate them and watch the behavior continue to change for the better. For example we notice that Karen has stopped insulting Barbara. We need to compliment her behavior. Try this one- "Karen, I noticed you went a whole week without calling Barbara any names. (behavior) Class is much less stressful now (event) and I am very proud of you! (feeling) Positive "I" messages are the most powerful communications tool known to humankind!
- The three part message consists of describing a behavior, then stating an event that is a direct consequence of the behavior, and finally expressing a feeling that results from the event. 1 2 3 Behavior Event Feeling 1. A behavior that causes problems is inserted here. The behavior must be specific and incontrovertible. If there is disagreement about whether the behavior actually occurred or if the right parties are not included the effect of the "I" message will be minimized. Behavior examples When you ate my lunch. When you gave me eight hours of calculus homework. When you call me a nerd. 2. An event specifically related to the problematic behavior is inserted here. The event should be something that is easily identified and would be agreed to by both communicators. It is very important that the behavior and the event immediately linked and that the event be something that occurred as a direct result of the behavior. Event Examples I had nothing to eat. I had no time for myself on Saturday. Other people heard it. 3. A feeling word that was triggered by the event and is non-threatening to the person being given the "I" message. Good Feeling Words Bad Feeling Words Hungry Angry Overwhelmed Upset Embarrassed Like I want to get even Got the idea?? Now let's put the "I" messages together. Bill, when you ate my lunch, I had nothing to eat, and I was hungry. Mrs. Smith, when you gave me eight hours of calculus homework, I had no time for myself on Saturday, and I was overwhelmed. Karen, when you called me a nerd, other people heard it, and I was embarrassed. So what do Bill, Mrs. Smith and Karen say now that the "I" message has been delivered? If they are adults, (remember that this is not as a result of age or maturity but in an adult TA state, and if we have correctly delivered the message), hopefully they will see the problem from an adult perspective. The listener mayor may not change their behavior but, now there will be room for continued discussion like.... "Gee, I am sorry I ate your lunch. I won't do it again." or "It really took you eight hours to do your calculus homework?" or "But you are a nerd." Ah, so then what about when the person we are dealing with is not acting like an adult? Karen is not acting logically or reacting from an adult perspective. So what do we do? We simply repeat the "I" Message exactly as first delivered. "Karen, when you called me a nerd, other people heard it and I was embarrassed." We give Karen another chance to act in an adult state. In fact, we give her up to three chances to act like an adult. If she is not insistent on acting like a child, most likely she will respond as an adult by the third time, which seems to be the charm. But if she doesn't, then most likely the fault lies in the message or possibly in the receiver not being in an adult state. We can wait for the other person to move into an adult state or move on to conflict management is, after all, the adult thing to do. A few "I" Message reminders and tips: 1. Use the script when practicing "I" messages. 2. Practice delivering "I" messages. Practice on a partner. 3. Use the person's name to begin the message. People like hearing their names. 4. Deliver "I" messages one to one, never in public." 5. Never deliver an "I" message when you are angry. "I" messages do not have to be done by any particular person, or even the person most concerned about the behavior. They can be delivered by any person, observing the problematic behavior who would like to improve the communication or change the behavior. Consider this "I" message for Karen. "Karen, I was in calculus class when you called Barbara a nerd. (behavior) I overheard you say that (event) and I was embarrassed."(feeling) The most effective "I" message is a positive one. We know that positive reinforcement works much better than negative reinforcement. Try to catch people doing things right, and let them know they were observed. Congratulate them and watch the behavior continue to change for the better. For example we notice that Karen has stopped insulting Barbara. We need to compliment her behavior. Try this one- "Karen, I noticed you went a whole week without calling Barbara any names. (behavior) Class is much less stressful now (event) and I am very proud of you! (feeling) Positive "I" messages are the most powerful communications tool known to humankind!