2. MIEWAM LĘKI, KTÓRE POJAWIAJĄ SIĘ NAGLE I
NIESPODZIEWANIE. JEST TO STRACH, JAKIEGO DO TEJ PORY
NIE POZNAŁAM. GDY MNIE OGARNIA TO OD RAZU JEDNOCZEŚNIE
OBEZWŁADNIA. BOJĘ SIĘ DO TEGO STOPNIA, ŻE NIE MOGĘ
WYJŚĆ Z DOMU. TAK BYŁO WCZORAJ. MIAŁAM IŚĆ NA IMPREZĘ
DO NOWYCH ZNAJOMYCH. NIE MOGŁAM SIĘ JEJ DOCZEKAĆ, BO
PRZEZ ROK NIGDZIE NIE BYŁAM. NAGLE, TUŻ PRZED WYJŚCIEM Z
DOMU DOPADŁ MNIE LĘK. NIE POSZŁAM, NIE DAŁAM RADY.
CZEGO SIĘ BOJĘ??? NIE MAM POJĘCIA. CIĘŻKO TO OPISAĆ.
JESZCZE CIĘŻEJ TO PRZEŁAMAĆ. A JUŻ NAJTRUDNIEJ Z TYM
SKOŃCZYĆ. BO TO SIEDZI WE MNIE- W MOJEJ GŁOWIE. SAMA
RODZĘ SOBIE LĘK PRZED NIE WIADOMO CZYM. TO STRASZNE….
I have fears which come out suddenly and unexpectedly.
It is kind of anxiety that haven’t known so far when it
appears, it paralyses me so deeply that I cannot leave home.
It was like that yesterday. I was going to the party organized
by my new friends. I was looking forward to it because I
hadn’t been anywhere for a year. Suddenly, just when I was
about to leave, the fear caught me. I didn’t go anywhere,
I just wasn’t able to.
What am I afraid of? No idea. It is difficult to describe
it and overcome. And how to get rid of it? Impossible..
It is in my head and in my body.
I create the fear of something.
It is horrible...!
3. I have been crying a lot recently, I have thought about…
They are very sad. I’m not going to write about it precisely. I
don’t want to get you down, but it is a horror.
Sometimes the sadness comes out of the blue. It was like
that last Christmas. The worst Christmas ever.
As soon as my mum left for work (children stay at home for 2
weeks, while adults go to work) I started crying and panicking
that my mum wasn’t with me.
I didn’t feel safe and was so anxions that even when my mum
was next to me again. I still felt the same way.
I know, I have to cope with it. My mum knows I have
depression. She took me to the psychologist once and… that’s all.
4. Maybe I should go there again…
To avoid depression one should take up sport (jogging mainly), eat
healtly food etc.
Yes, I know but all this bullshit doesn’t work in reality.
All those sorrows appear in the evening, at about 9 – so?
What I going to do at that time? To go for joga classes at night?
Sure, my mum would let me go.
Healtly eating?
I know it’s important.
Last Christmas I didn’t eat (maybe it was the cavse of
depression), so I experienced the worst break down in my life. And
then I started eating properly and depression disappeared.
5. But never come to the point that you eat very little, too
little, than – nothing.
Doing like that I couldn’t swallow anything, I simply wasn’t
able to take any food into my mouth. I just felt disgusted.
Horrid…
So – I take some apples or a carrot while I’m crying – and
crying disappears.
I know I have to do something that I like doing while I’m sad –
but it doesn’t work somethimes. Not always.
6. I don’t have: the joy of life, the coufidence about
my future, the sense of existence, the self-confidence.
I will give anything to gain love, friendship, self-
esteem and a little bit of happiness.
7. Ehh…
I have cried a bit, now... I’m cheerful!
Strange: I have to discuss a difficult matter
with my mum. I also have my own affairs which
are not easy. But it’s OK.
I always have some problems or deppresion.
But I try to think positively.
8. I stopped taking medicine to cure deppresion
3 months ago. I hope everything wrong has gone away.
Is it the beginnig of the end of the horror which
lasted 3 years?!
I regret those years taken out of my life.
Wasted time. How to compensate it? Impossible.
But life goes on and I’m controlling it now.
I don’t have a felling that everything which is
connected with me is going on next to me.
Maybe I will sort out my life.
