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I wasn’t even having a bad day
It’s just that day was the day, the thought of suicide changed to if I should or shouldn’t ...
I started to feel really weird by this time and was surprised how fast the pills were
kicking in; I turned on Blink 182 – ...
machine to monitor and help control my blood pressure and of course the machine to
breathe for me when I finally made it t...
A poem my sister wrote for me while in the hospital

Peace in this moment, peace in my mind
My heart keeps racing
My breat...
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My Story


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My Story

  1. 1. I wasn’t even having a bad day It’s just that day was the day, the thought of suicide changed to if I should or shouldn’t to when I was going to do it, and that day I felt strong enough. I had an ordinary day I worked 10hrs, went home had dinner, and spent the evening in my room like I usually would. Staying up late at night I knew today had to be different something had to change, and I came to realize tonight was the night I would say goodbye. My state of mind was a mess of course I wasn’t thinking clearly it all seems as if it was a dream and I had no thoughts of what dying would do to my family and friends. I first cleaned my room, I wouldn’t want to leave my room messy, and I then pulled out all the pills I had stocked up just for this special event. 3 Bottles of Nyquil sleeping pills 60 in total, 20 Tylenol 3s, 10 Tylenol 4s, and a bunch of different muscle relaxants around 20 in total. I had all the bottles sitting on my desk by me and I felt that it was it and started taking them, I found it so easy, I was swallowing around 10 at a time and felt completely confident like this was it, and this is how it was going to be. At the time I was talking to a friend on msn This is the end of it [01:20] SuperDuck: im not going to work tomorrow [01:21] Jess: why [01:21] Jess: not [01:21] SuperDuck: just cause [01:22] Jess: ici c [01:22] SuperDuck: i hope things get better for you [01:23] Jess: ya they will give it a couple days and hopefully it will [01:23] SuperDuck: sometimes it seems thing take forever to get better [01:23] SuperDuck: then you just get tired of waiting [01:23] Jess: oh i know but thatsa all i seem to be doin [01:24] SuperDuck: yea im tired of waiting too [01:24] Jess: i must have done something in another life to get all this shit i get [01:26] SuperDuck: nah shit just happens to good people [01:26] Jess: ya well i gett alot of it [01:26] SuperDuck: you think im a good person? [01:27] Jess: ya [01:27] SuperDuck: if magoo comes online tomorrow and im still away [01:27] SuperDuck: can you tell him something [01:28] Jess: ok whats that [01:28] SuperDuck: dont follow me, and tell him to tell james that too [01:29] Jess: ok where where they followin you [01:29] SuperDuck: it was just this thing we had [01:29] Jess: oh ok [01:30] SuperDuck: goodnight [01:30] Jess: k night Session Close (Jess): Thu Apr 07 01:31:06 2005
  2. 2. I started to feel really weird by this time and was surprised how fast the pills were kicking in; I turned on Blink 182 – Adams Song, on turned my monitor off. I laid in my bed and waited to die. My stomach didn’t feel too upset which also surprised me, it was the beating of my heart that at first really scared me, I could hear it at first a semi normal beating sound and I could hear it steadily increase in speed and volume. Then my body started shaking really bad and I was consumed in fear, thoughts started racing through my mind, “ I didn’t want to die?, I didn’t think it was going to be like this?, What have I done?” fear had consumed me, I was lying in my bed waiting to die, it was terrible. I turned up my music (I have speakers right beside my bed) in hope that my mom would hear it and rush to my rescue, at this time I couldn’t yell out and started having trouble speaking. It was like when I was a little boy and I would wake up from a nightmare and yell out for my mom to come and comfort me, but this time I couldn’t yell out and instead of waking up from the nightmare I was slipping into it. I realized that the music wasn’t going to wake her, so I grabbed my cell phone; thank God it was right beside my bed. I called 911 I told them what I had done, my age and address, at this time I felt so alone and was so scared I didn’t want to hang up I just wanted to hear someone’s voice, but I guess she didn’t want me to keep the line busy or something and she told me help was on its way and to hang up. I then called my other friend who I also work with, I got his answering machine, I left a message saying I wasn’t going to be in tomorrow for work and wasn’t going to be for awhile. Then I called my friend Andrew (Magoo) I got his voice mail, I left him a message saying not to follow me –He, my friend James and I had made a suicide pack sometime ago- by this time I could barely speak and just managed to spit those words out. Waiting for the ambulance felt like eternity, I have never felt so alone and scared in my life. Death was taking me and I wasn’t ready to go. As each second passed my body shook more and more fiercely. In complete terror I grabbed the cross I had around my neck and held on so hard, and I kept repeating “God Forgive Me”. Finally I heard the door bell rang it sounded so distant, I heard my mom answer the door and some talk – was hard to make out – and then I could hear her calling my name and her and a police office ran into my room. The sheer shock of the light being turned on was so intense; my mom jumped on my bed and grabbed my hands asking me what I had done. I couldn’t look at her, I just couldn’t I stared at the cop, he picked up some of the pill bottles and radioed in that a 19 year old male has overdosed. He picked up another bottle and then another carefully reading the bottles then he yelled out my name and asked what I had taken, I didn’t respond, he yelled it out again and this time I slipped out of reality and into my self created nightmare. My parents say soon after I blacked out the paramedics arrived, they took one look at me and didn’t waste time with a stretcher and just grabbed me and carried me out, while he was holding me I started to seizure really bad. I was in such a bad condition the paramedics kicked my mom out of the ambulance because they didn’t want to her to see. On the way to the hospital my lungs stopped and they had to ventilate me. Apparently they had a great deal of difficulty getting one tube into my lungs and the other one into my stomach and really scraped my throat up. They had 4 IVs hooked up to me and had a
  3. 3. machine to monitor and help control my blood pressure and of course the machine to breathe for me when I finally made it to the hospital in emergency. Well I don’t remember much while I was in intensive care, at one point I remember hearing my uncle beside my bed telling me if and one hurts me they can kiss his ass, if any one messes with me they can kick his ass. My uncle is a great man and while mostly unconscious this kind of made me laugh inside. They ran every test imaginable on me and surpisingly after 2 days of being unconscious my body appeared to have no physical damage. I was breathing on my own and didn’t need anymore IVs. They took me out and put me in the psychiatric ward, the doctors told me physically I appeared ok but there was a large chance that I would never wake up. 20 minutes go by and I wake up, I instantly try and grab the cross that I was holding onto before I blacked out, it wasn’t there. The paramedics had taken it off when I was sezuring so it wouldn’t choke me; my sister had retrieved it for me and wore it for safe keeping. Waking up was complete physical and emotional shock, my body ached and my mind was a mess. My dad was sitting beside me and I asked him what day it was, he said Friday, I had overdosed Wednesday. Then I started crying immensely and I kept saying I want to go home. I was kept in there for 10 days the first days were really hard, just coming to grips with everything was overwhelming and physically my body was still really unstable and at first every 2 hours the nurses would check my vitals. I talked to a lot of nurses, doctors and patients and it really helped. I spent a lot of my time reading also trying to rebuild myself, after a couple days I became really grateful for what I have in my life, and saw this as my second chance and to value everyday I had, stop locking myself in the dark and that its my life I make it what I want to be, and if I want to be happy I have to choose it. Ten days later on a cold rainy day they said I was well enough to go home. Going home and seeing all my family and friends just got really overwhelming and I had to leave and go for a walk. Going to sleep in my bed again was really hard too, it was a place where I had some much comfort in, in my life and also lately so much terror, I feel asleep around the same time I blacked out around when I od'ed. My mom must have knocked on my door 20 times to see if I was alright through the night/morning. Everything seems so different now; I lived so much of my life wanting to die, planning to not live long and now i had my whole life laid out before me and it was mine to choose, mine to choose to be happy. The company of my friends, the meow of my cats the hug of my grandma, everything seemed so rich and comforting now. I know my life will have many struggles ahead, but I know I will never have to face them alone never have to resort to what I thought was my only choice. Life gets hard it gets difficult, but its life you either live it to the fullest and are satisfied or face the alternative or settle. I will be forever thankful for the paramedics, doctors, nurses, police who helped me. I am mostly grateful for my family and friends I know it was they who truly pulled me through.
  4. 4. A poem my sister wrote for me while in the hospital Peace in this moment, peace in my mind My heart keeps racing My breath barely escaping My hands won’t stop shaking My body’s always aching Is this how life’s supposed to be? Lord please hear my cry I’m scared I might die I fear I have nothing to give I need a reason to live! My body is tired Yet my brain is so wired I’m in need of some hope A way I can cope Lord I cry out to you For you know what to do In my darkest hour, You were my power When I was close to death, You gave me breath When I could not go on, You made me strong Lord I'm on my knees I’m searching for peace I tried to let go But you told me “No!” Now take my hand And help me to stand Give me peace of mind A purpose to find