What are differences between friends and frenemies? Why do women and girls especially have them in our lives? Learn to have healthier friendships, draw firm boundaries when you need to, and practice for your future relationships.

1. Friends and Frenemies
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School

2. Degrees of Relationships
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
• Strangers
• Acquaintances
• Target/Agent of Bullying
• Colleagues
• Teacher/Student, Boss/Employee,
Supervisor/Supervisee
• Community Members
• Friends
• Intimate Friends
• Partners
• Family

3. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Friends and Frienemies

4. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Working Definition of
Frenemies
• One who pretends to be a
friend but is actually an
enemy (Merriam Webster)
• A friend who often
behaves in ways that cut
you down or make you
feel bad
• Others?

5. What are the Differences?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

6. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Why Keep Them Around?

7. Sound Familiar?
• I don’t want to make it worse.
• Maybe I am doing something to
make them treat me this way.
• They’re my connection to other
friends.
• My other friends won’t support
me.
• When they’re not being awful,
they’re actually awesome, fun,
and nice.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about it.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

8. Why Women Say They’d Rather
Stay in an Abusive Relationship
• I don’t want to make it worse.
• Maybe I am doing something to
make them treat me this way.
• They’re my source of income,
home, and support for our kids.
• My family and friends tell me I
should stay and work it out.
• When they are not being awful,
they are kind, nurturing, and
wonderful.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about it.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

9. Are We Training Ourselves?
• I don’t want to make it worse.
• Maybe I am doing something
to make them treat me this
way.
• They’re my source of income,
home, and support for our
kids.
• My family and friends tell me
I should stay and work it out.
• When they’re not being awful,
they are kind, nurturing, and
wonderful.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about
it.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
• I don’t want to make it
worse.
• Maybe I am doing something
to make them treat me this
way.
• They’re my connection to
other friends.
• My other friends won’t
support me.
• When they’re not being awful,
they’re actually awesome, fun,
and nice.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about
it.

10. What CAN You Do?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

11. What Might Happen If…
• You do nothing
• If you try to leave
with your “real”
friends
• If you get adults
involved
• If you try to approach
the person directly
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

12. Conflict Resolution
• DEAR
– Describe what’s happening without judgment
– Explain how it makes you feel
– Affirm the other person
– Request a different course of action
• VOMP
– Voice: VOICE feelings and experience of the conflict
using “I” statements and LISTEN to the other person.
– Own: Own your own stuff for how you contributed to
the conflict.
– Mile: Walk a mile in the other person’s shoes;
empathize.
– PLAN: Develop a plan for how you will move on and
what you will do differently in the future.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

13. When It’s Bullying
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
• Power is uneven
• Intent to harm
• Repeated and
Sustained
• Relational Bullying
• Indirect Bullying
• Social Bullying

14. Bullying Intervention
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
• Know when it is
bullying
• Stand up for
yourself
• Ask them to stop
the behavior
• Seek healthy
support
• Tell an adult

15. Ally Skills
• Don’t bully
• Speak up when someone else is being bullied
• Assume positive intentions, but don’t let that
assumption make you silent
• Ask questions to clarify and to educate
• Don’t make the person who is bullying into someone
who is getting targeted
• Actively include those who are easily left out
• If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an
adult at school or at home
• Keep the climate healthy
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

16. Bystander to Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Karen Bradberry, PhD
Active Passive Passive Active
Agent Bystander Ally

17. Debrief
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Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

18. Questions, Comments,
Concerns?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee