How do you navigate those "ouch" moments - those that offend or hurt, even though they may be unintended? Learn some of the obstacles of authentic conversations, as well as practical strategies for what to do or say when you are the target of ouch moments, witness to ouch moments, and agents of ouch moments.

1. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Navigating Microaggressions:
Dialogue Tools for Ouch Moments
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

2. About Seattle Girls’ School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

3. Courageous Conversations
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

4. Debunking Some Myths
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
 All or None
 Mistakes
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability

5. Growing Through Mistakes
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

6. What Are Microaggressions?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Accumulated Impact
Regular, Frequent, and Pervasive
Based on Stereotype
Often Unintended

7. What are some myths and barriers that
make it hard for you to speak up when
microaggressions happen?
Is there a time when you learned the most
because you made a mistake, and someone
pointed it out to you?
What are some microaggressions you have
witnessed or experienced at school or
beyond?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Turn and Talk Pause

8. Speaking From the Heart
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

9. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Can you lean on the
relationship?
Can you make it personal?
* Is your relationship
hierarchical? *

10. Being A DEAR
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

11. You are a good friend. I have so much fun
with you, and I can tell you anything. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got
98%, I heard you say, “Well of course you got
a 98% - you’re Asian!” I was pretty hurt when I
heard that. I work hard in all my classes to get
good grades, but so many people assume it’s
because of my race. It’s sad that I don’t get to
own my accomplishments like everyone else.
I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean for me to feel
that way. Can I ask that you please don’t say
things like that anymore?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Being A DEAR: An Example

12. Being A Witness
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

13. Are you speaking to the agent or
the audience?
Do you want to minimize harm to
the target group?
Do you want to educate?
Do you want to challenge social
norms?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

14.  Ask open ended questions
– “He’s acting suspicious”
– “How’s he acting? And why is that suspicious?”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “Why are people complaining about the movie night? It’s only $20 a person.”
– “Tell me more about about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “You’re gay – what do gay people think about this issue?”
– “I’m not sure – I’ll go ask. It may take me a while, since there are so many of us.”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got into that school because she’s Black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
Black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ or ‘affirmative action’
stuff rather than that she earned it.”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Active Witnessing: Examples

15. Listening to the Real Message
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

16. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Is this about what you did or
who you are (guilt or shame)?
What is your mindset voice
telling you?
Might this be an opportunity to
learn and grow?

17. Listening and Responding Bravely
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

18. Listening and Responding: Examples
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. After I take a
few minutes, do you think you can help me come
up with a better way to handle that situation?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

19. What are some strategies (presented
here or ones you’ve developed) for
how you might intervene or receive
interventions well?
What are some questions or concerns
that arise when you think about
having these conversations?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Turn and Talk Pause

20. Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

21. Find Your Bucket People
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

22. Practice Makes
Less Freeze-Ups
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

23. If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

24. If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

25. Build Authentic Relationships
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

26. Inclusive Communities
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

27. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

28. Final Questions or Comments?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

29. Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)