Interrupting with Care: Navigating Identity Based Harm

Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Interrupting with Care:
Navigating Identity Based Harm
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Agenda
 Initial Framing
 Microaggressions
 Dialogue Tools
 Food for Thought

Definition of Conflict
 A clash between two
individuals or groups
 A disagreement or
argument about
something important
 A natural, normal part
of life

When It’s Bullying
 Uneven Power
 Harm Intended
 Repetition
 Efforts to hide from
adults
 Advocacy not changing
behaviors
 NOT natural or normal

Harmful Encounters
Lack of Education or Experience
Environmental Exposure
Biased Beliefs
Bigotry

Talking to Young People After
Personal Incidents
 “I want to help you feel strong.”
 Affection, correction, protection
 Emotions are always right; not all
action is always right
 Avoid either/or thinking

Choices and Responsibilities
Everyone:
Be Safe
Be Smart
Be Strong
Allies:
Be Brave
Be Kind

Bystander to Ally
Karen Bradberry, PhD
Active Passive Passive Active
Agent Bystander Ally

Process Pause
• What conversation have
you already had with your
youth?
• What conversations do
you need to have?

What Are Microaggressions?
Accumulated Impact
Regular, Frequent, and Pervasive
Based on Stereotype
Often Unintended

Debunking Some Myths
 All or None
 Mistakes
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability

Growing Through Mistakes
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model

Process Pause
• What are
microaggressions you
would like to interrupt in
your everyday life and
community?
• What are barriers for you
in interrupting
microaggressions?

Dialogue Tools

Call in Privately:
Speak From the Heart

Can you lean on the
relationship?
Can you make it personal?
* Is your relationship
hierarchical? *

Being A DEAR
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***

Being A DEAR: An Example
I think you and I both agree we all have a
right to be respected and heard in this
community. When we were disagreeing
about budgets, you said, “You’re being
overdramatic,” and later, you called me a
“drama queen.” Statements like this make it
sound like I am being too emotional and
that my concerns are drama rather than real
issues. I am assuming you don’t intend to
police my tone or dismiss my concerns. I
would appreciate your not saying things
like this anymore. Thank you.

Calling Out Publicly:
Be A Witness

Are you speaking to the agent or
the audience?
Do you want to minimize harm to
the target group?
Do you want to educate?
Do you want to challenge social
norms?

Active Witnessing: Examples
 Ask open ended questions
– “He looked suspicious”
– “How did he look? How was he acting? Why was that suspicious?”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going
on (use sparingly)
– “You’re gay – what do gay people think about this issue?”
– “I’m not sure – I’ll go ask. It may take me a while, since there are millions of
gay people.”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s Black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to
think when a Black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’
or ‘affirmative action’ reasons rather than that she earned it.”

Receiving with Grace:
Listen to the Real Message

Is this about what you did or
who you are (guilt or shame)?
What is your mindset voice
telling you?
Might this be an opportunity to
learn and grow?

Listening and Responding Bravely
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***

Listening and Responding: Examples
 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. After I take a
few minutes, do you think you can help me come
up with a better way to handle that situation?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

Process Pause
How might you use
these tools in your
everyday life and more?
What questions or
concerns come up?
tiny.cc/navigatemicroaggressions

Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers

Find Your Bucket People

Practice Makes
Less Freeze-Ups

If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize

If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve

Build Authentic Relationships

Inclusive Communities

Final Questions or Comments?

Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Outreach Specialist
Seattle Girls’ School
1700 24th Ave S
Seattle, WA 98144
(206) 451-5233
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group

Interrupting with Care: Navigating Identity Based Harm

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