This document summarizes a discussion session on difficult conversations. It included introductions from participants on what they hoped to gain. The presenter then discussed discovering the power of accessing typically undiscussable issues through large-scale change projects. Participants discussed issues difficult to raise with clients and stakeholders and why. Common concerns consultants and clients have about each other were also reviewed. Exercises were used to examine how frames influence perceptions and an consulting framework was presented to analyze interactions and outcomes.

1. Difficult Conversations
Prepared for
ODLG Worcester Group
January 13, 2011
Michael Halperin
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2. Meeting Recap
These notes will be particularly helpful to people who have attended the session, but will
give a flavor for those who were not able to attend.
Overview
1. Introductions / Overview
• Intros – what are you hoping to get out of the session?
• My introduction to the power of getting access to typically undiscussable issues
through a large scale change project about 20 years ago. This represented an
opportunity to uncover a powerful, yet previously undetected theory I held about the
role of consultants.
Internal Dialogues Discussion and Exercise
2. Introduction to internal dialogues, typically undiscussed thoughts and feelings and the
value of accessing them safely and productively
3. Large Group discussion:
• What’s difficult to discuss with different stakeholders, e.g., clients, gatekeepers and
others.
• What makes these issues difficult to discuss?
• General categories of fears and concerns, including: being judged negatively, hurting
others, fear of reprisal, fear of isolation, loss of status or power, concerns about
change.
4. Common internal dialogues consultants hold about about clients:
• They have unrealistic expectations
• They don’t know what they want
• They’re incompetent
• They’re not committed and won’t follow through on the design
• They don’t want change; they’re just looking for window dressing
• If it works, they’ll take all the credit; if it doesn’t they’ll blame me
• I can’t let them know that I need this project
• They’re diagnosis of the problem is way off the mark, but if I tell them now, they’ll
distance.
5. Common client internal dialogues about consultants:
• I’d better not challenge the consultant. (S)he’s the expert.
• Nothing’s gonna change. Just the new flavor of the month.
• I’ll go along with the consultants for now. After they leave, things will go back to
normal.
• Whose consultants are they, really?
• I’ve been here for 20 years. Who are they to tell me how to do my job?
• We’ve got to be crazy to say anything negative about this.
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3. • I hope they don’t embarrass anyone.
• Sounds great, but these ideas never work.
• The consultant is asking us to do X, but isn’t able or willing to do it him/herself.
Consulting Framework
6. Icebreakers: We did two icebreakers to examine the power of frames – for what’s
discussable or not, how they circumscribe our perceptions, etc. (Newfoundland story,
new number system)
7. Consulting Framework: We reviewed the consulting framework (attached) in detail.
Discussion included:
• What is a frame?
• Examination of core beliefs held by consultants (see internal dialogues above), such
as:
I’m right … (45% error rate research)
Most appropriate way to engage with clients
Self-fulfilling nature of frames
8. Analysis of Frame Exercise: (attached). We did this exercise to assist participants
become more aware of their consulting frameworks. We debriefed for practice coaching
each other for clarity and learning.
9. Wrap-Up
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4. Consulting Framework
MORE INTENDED OUTCOMES
AWARE
Halperin Consulting, © 2011
Strategies did appear to
accomplish some of the
INTERVENTION intended outcomes
•Increase value to others
•Foster more productive
working relationships
OFTEN
UNAWARE •Facilitate accomplishing
FRAME desired results
Incremental Learning
UNINTENDED OUTCOMES
•Connection to goals: project,
meeting, and strategic
Reframing Strategies usually had
•Details big picture
•Tactical / strategic unintended outcomes, which
Frame: Comprehensive mental model people
contributed substantially to not
create to simplify, organize, & act in the world;
achieving stated goals,
prevailing set of commonly accepted theories,
OFTEN therefore limiting value.
beliefs, assumptions, and practices, often UNAWARE
taken for granted. (If aware, often kept private.)
Principle of Unintended Consequences: For any action, there are
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intended and unintended (negative and/or positive) consequences.
Halperin Consulting, © 2010. Used with permission

5. Consulting Framework Exercise
1. Think about an important conversation you had recently involving a project or intervention
with which you are involved and you had difficulty talking about the 800 pound gorilla.
2. In reflecting on that conversation, look for opportunities to better understand your facilitation
frame:
• What assumptions, beliefs, theories are you now aware of that were driving your
interactions? This can include the assumptions you made about what different key
project terms meant or roles you and others played.
• What did you or others say or do?
• What were your internal dialogues, your uncommunicated thoughts and feelings?
• What were the intended and unintended outcomes of what you did?
3. Debrief with your partner. Look for opportunities for:
• Incremental learning: better creating intended outcomes and minimizing unintended
outcomes
• Reframing: rethinking underlying beliefs, assumptions, theories, and opportunities for
new strategies
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