Active listening presentation
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This document discusses the importance of listening skills, especially for spiritual directors. It notes that most leaders do not listen well. There are many barriers to effective listening, including lack of skills, distractions, emotions, cultural differences, and more. To be a good listener, one must be aware of barriers, prepare through prayer and practice, and employ specific listening techniques during conversations. These include affirming the other, paying close attention, reflecting, clarifying, summarizing and only sharing after listening. The document emphasizes that listening is key to fulfillment, insight, comfort and liberation for both the listener and the one being listened to. It provides recommendations for further reading on listening skills.
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Active listening presentation
- 2. Are You a Good Listener?
- 3. Chances are Not Good … Leaders most often take listening skills for granted Chosen to Lead = Recognized for Listening ? Subordinates are the ones w. communications issues ? Bartenders > Therapists (a.p. ‘67 study) Most leadership developmental needs tied to lack of listening skills. Studies show avg US leader speaks 80% of the time around associates. Majority of subordinates polled find their leaders
- 4. It’s Not That We Can’t ! SENSING DANGER Stop in Your tracks, Ears pricked up, Life depends on it Small Percentage of Listening Potential Normally Used
- 5. CHALLENGE OF LISTENING Speech – 250 words/minute Word Processing > 800 words/min How does one use the 2/3’s of the time not registering spoken words?
- 6. FAILINGS OF THE “BLIND GUIDE” Lack of Experience – inability or too little practice in prayer Lack of Sensitivity - not sensing God’s call to directee or director Possessiveness - not attending to personal inordinate attachments St John of the Cross Poor Skills at Listening to God and Self
- 7. Three Aspects of Listening • Barriers to Listening • Preparing to Listen • Being a Listener
- 9. Barriers to Listening • Lack of Know-How • Poor Use of Silence • External Pressures & Internal Vulnerabilities • Individual Makeup & Conflicting Agendas • Performance / Problem-Solving Orientation • Emotions • Cultural Differences • Time and Place
- 10. Barriers to Listening Lack of Know-How • Direction ≠ “Get Your Message Across” • Personal Prayer Experience ‘s Value • Secondary – Helping Others in Prayer • Primary – Helping Director Listen
- 11. Barriers to Listening Poor Use of Silence • Interrupting to Show Non-Agreement • Talking to Fill Silence • Talking to Cover Helplessness
- 12. Barriers to Listening External Pressures Internal Vulnerabilities• Daily / Personal Demands • Work Pressures • Insecurities • Egocentricism
- 13. “All bad habits of non- listening share the proclivity to talk [or concentrate] on self rather than listen to the other… When we seem to listen, but focus instead on ourselves, we give [hear] our views, our feelings, our advice, our opinions, our experience.” Drs Donoghue & Siegel
- 14. Barriers to Listening Individual Makeup Conflicting Agendas
- 15. Barriers to Listening Individual Makeup Conflicting Agendas • Collaboration Experience • Personality Type • Differing Expectations • Fears / Defensiveness • Perpetuating Roles • Personal Dislikes • Multi-Tasking Capability • Differing Perspectives and/or Experiences • “Me-Too” Syndrome • Maturity • Trust in Processes
- 16. Barriers to Listening Performance / Problem-Solving Orientation• Avoiding “Sage on Stage”/Fixer • Problems Can’t be Solved till Desires and Issues are Fully Understood • “Must Fix Myself” Director - Out of Touch w. Role, Builds Dependencies
- 17. Barriers to Listening Emotions • Strong Emotions can evoke “Fix-it” mode • “Over-Empathy” can blind a Director • Director Emotions can be Unmanageable Directee emotions can limit direction, depth of probing, receptivity to input .
- 18. Barriers to Listening Cultural Differences Cultural Filters Unavoidable – Affecting: • How We Routinely Behave • How We Work • How We Communicate • How We Listen / Interpret • How We Assume / Judge
- 19. Barriers to Listening Time and Place • Having a Bad Day • Hunger / Sleep Patterns • Interruptions / Distractions • Seating Arrangements • Adjoining Appointments
- 20. Barriers to Listening Presumptuous Advice 1. We fully understand situation. 2. Hearer knows we understand. 3. We have the correct advice. 4. Hearer wants our advice. 5. Hearer wouldn’t have thought of the advice his/herself. 6. Hearer is able to execute the proposal. A House of Cards
- 21. Barriers to Listening Burn-Out / Judging • Fatigue • Lack of Resolve • Arrogance • Dismissiveness of Inviduality • Cutting Listening Corners • Counter-Transference of Issues ---- > Leaping to Judgment
- 22. Preparing to Listen • Be Aware of Listening Barriers • Constancy in Prayer and Direction • Build Skills and Stamina thru Practice • Pray for Directee(s) • Contemplate before Encounters
- 23. Preparing to Listen Be Aware of Listening Barriers “Self - Consciousness – In- Action”
- 24. Preparing to Listen Constancy in Prayer & Direction “Unless we understand ourselves, we are not able to understand anyone else.” Drs Donoghue & Siegel
- 25. Preparing to Listen Build Skills and Stamina thru Practice • Listening Well takes Skill • Listening Well for an Entire Meeting takes Stamina • Good Listening Can be Exhausting !!
- 26. Preparing to Listen Pray for Directee(s) • FOCUS – After all, This is all About Them ! • Frequent Prayer Intentions Become Natural Listening Intentions
- 27. Preparing to Listen Contemplate before Encounters “The quiet mind makes possible an overall awareness of the total situation.” Ram Dass and Paul Gorman
- 28. Preparing to Listen Evaluate Encounters • What Skills were Used Well? • What Barriers Came into Play?
- 29. Being a Listener • Invoke the “True Director” • Affirm • Pay Attention • Monitor Your Listening • Withhold Judgment • Reflect / Clarify / Probe • Summarize • Share (maybe) • Give Thanks
- 30. Being a Listener Invoke the “True Director “ “To him whose power at work in us is able to accomplish more than we could ask or even conceive, to him be glory “ (Eph 3:20)
- 31. Being a Listener Affirm • Opening of Self • No “Bad” Feelings • Giving of Self • Desire for God • Dedication • Progress
- 32. Being a Listener Pay Attention “Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will certainly not enter it” (Mark 10:13-16) Be open, dare to ask, welcome the promise, be in the moment !
- 33. Being a Listener Pay Attention • What is Said? • What is Not Said? • What is Said by Body Language? • Tone of Voice? • Does Speaker Seem to feel Heard?
- 34. Being a Listener Monitor Your Listening • Your Values and Attitudes - Operative and Displayed • Attitude toward Directee at the Moment • Emotions interfering with your Listening • How you might be more effectively present
- 35. Being a Listener Withhold Judgment • Practice Empathy • Keep and Indicate your Open Mind • Acknowledge Uniqueness • Be Patient to Complete Listening
- 36. Being a Listener Reflect / Clarify / Probe• Paraphrase Information and Emotions • Ask Open-Ended Clarifying Questions • Simple & Single How/What Questions • Minimize Why Questions when Probing • Respect Boundaries, Readiness to Delve • Pause as Needed to Collect Thoughts • Assure Confirmation of Understanding
- 37. Being a Listener Summarize • Brief Restatement of Core Themes • PURPOSE - Help Other “See” What Was Said
- 38. Being a Listener Summarize “My words don’t make you understand; only your words make you understand.” Cheri Huber, Zen teacher
- 39. Being a Listener Share (maybe) • Only When Necessary • Only After Listening Completely • Invite the Other to Hear/Listen to You • Specify Your Sharing is Vital
- 40. Being a Listener Give Thanks
- 41. So … Are You a Good Listener?
- 42. LISTENING : The ONLY Doorway - to - Fulfillment / Recognition Connection / Intimacy Comfort Insight Self – Acceptance - and
- 43. LIBERATION !
- 44. “When my students ask for a single rule of thumb for good listening, I often tell them: “Set an intention. Fire the desire. Find ways to feed the impulse to become a better listener.” It’s out of the recognition of the real power inherent in skillful listening, and the desire to acquire such skills, that the real creative juice of this practice flows. Being at ease with the possibility of being the worst listener in the world is an important aspect to integrate into one’s practice! “ Mark Brady
- 45. “Listening is perhaps like batting in baseball: connecting one time out of three is good enough to achieve excellence and be voted into the Hall of Fame” Mark Brady
- 46. “Spiritual Listening” Takes the ing with the s of the HEARTARTHEART of HEAREAR Mark Brady
- 47. “Spiritual Listening” Takes the ing with the s of the HEART ART HEART ofHEAR EAR Mark Brady
- 48. Reading List Brady, Mark (ed.), (2003). The Wisdom of Listening. Boston MA: Wisdom Publications. Donoghue, Paul J. & Siegel, Mary E. (2005). Are You Really Listening: Keys to Successful Communication, Notre Dame IN: Ave Maria Press. Dunn, R. R. (2001). Shaping the Spiritual Life of Students: A Guide for Youth Workers, Pastors, Teachers, and Campus Ministers. Downers Grove IL: Intervarsity Press. Egan, G. (1986). The Skilled Helper: A Systematic Approach to Effective Helping. Monterey CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing. Hart, Thomas H. (1980), The Art of Christian Listening. Ramsey NJ, Paulist Press. Hoppe, M. H. (2006). Active Listening: Improve Your Ability to Listen and Lead. Greensboro NC: Center for Creative Leadership.
Editor's Notes
- Reading St John of the Cross’ admonitions about “blind guides” reminded me of my industry work as a trainer, in which I often focused on the issues poor listening skills can cause. So I want to share some reflecting I have done on the criticality of these skills in the SD process.
- We begin with a loaded but central question. Don’t be humble - Raise your hands if you agree …
- Most of us take our listening skills for granted, and the desire to see our listening selves as others see us can lead to discouraging awareness Bernard Berenson and Robert R Carkhuff, Sources of Gain in Counseling and Psychotherapy, Holt, Rinehart, and Winston Inc., 1967.
- It’s not that we can’t do it. When facing danger we experience just how good we can listen – listening as a survival skill is literally in our animal genes. But since these “muscles” are so seldom flexed, we normally aren’t that alert
- The problem with being a good listener while others are speaking is that we have too much time on our hands for other things …
- Let’s look again at John’s admonitions regarding the “blind guide” I propose that all these issues can be associated with listening issues …
- In this talk I will briefly and rapidly explore three aspects of listening. At the end, I will offer a reading list in case I am successful in renewing our commitments to continuously improving our listening skills
- So first … It may seem a bit contrary to start with bad listening habits, but hopefully this allows us to humbly face how difficult listening can be, so that we can renew our respect for prioritizing NOT taking listening for granted
- I don’t claim this to be an exhaustive list of all the ways we can “blow it” as listeners, but these seemed to me ones most pertinent to the work of SD’s
- In SD, lessons learned from personal prayer are as important as studying the “craft” of directors. My big insight in doing this topic was that we use many of the same listening ‘muscles” when we listen for God that we use when we are listening to directees.
- Listening quietly is often confused in general society with agreement or acceptance of the other’s ideas and perspective. We need to strive to be as comfortable with occasional silence in direction sessions, as we are in personal prayer. Silence “in the gaps” can be a powerful tool to better “tune in” /reflect in the midst of a session When directors begin to question the efficacy of a line of thought or have ideas and information, they may be too quick to respond, interject, or debate.
- We all are familiar with these …
- Before the next point, I felt this quote worthy of sharing directly, from one of the authors on the reading list …
- (after clicks) We have discussed already we need to sit with pain rather than “save” others from it. We are all afraid to face pain, ‘cuz pursuant to facing pain we must accept that it can and probably will happen to us. Those in pain can be their own worst enemy, but sympathy can blind others to their development needs.
- {Before clicks} We generally don’t think about it, but giving advice takes a lot for granted about the persons in the current situation
- I have placed the threat of “burn-out” with judging, because it seems to me that when we succumb to burn-out, we are particularly vulnerable to threats against withholding judgment en lieu of continuing the listening process
- (before clicks) We move on now to the second aspect of listening in SD. Again, we will only lightly touch on each of these activities recommended for outside preparation of the direction process
- We all characteristically struggle with some subset of the barriers to listening, more than others. Awareness of these allows us to more actively work to minimize their effects
- This is repetitious of a vital point we have dealt with many times in this course, but, as I have argued, constancy in prayer not only is good for us personally, not only makes us wiser in the art of prayer, but strengthens our listening muscles
- Not only does prayer build our listening muscles, but also continual learning and growing from interpersonal listening. We can do no better favor for our future directees, than to be devoted to availing ourselves often to and learning from other experiences.
- Our ability to be self-critical, to humbly “listen to our listening” is critical to our continual development as listeners.
- (before clicks) In this last section, we will look at what skills should we employed during the direction session to achieve our goals for good listening.
- Because it is most difficult to listen to what is not said, frequent affirmation aids the listening process, in that it keeps the conversation flowing..
- (before clicks) When you think about it, what works as the best mindset for approaching our encounters with God, also works best as an approach to our interpersonal listening …
- What is said? What is not? Body language? Do you seem to heading to clearer or worse understanding?
- Paraphrasing and Respecting Boundaries are means of assuring that critical agreement on expectations, lack of which can lead to BIG barriers in listening. Even when lack of agreement is not painful, it will directly derail our ability to helpfully serve
- Share here includes both giving advice and revealing personal experiences. We have covered already the hazards of presumptuous advicing and “me-tooing”. There definitely are occasions where careful and limited sharing is beneficial. But it helps our listening to think of these times as the exception, not the rule.
- Giving thanks ends a session on the good ground of minimizing the director and recognizing anew (and for the sake of both director and directee) the workings of the Spirit
- (Before click) To wrap up, as we began this talk we may have been thinking about listening from a different perspective than after considering what we have just discussed. So now what do you think?
- To tie together several ideas on listening’s criticality– as SD’s we cannot afford to underestimate the vitality of our listening skills to this art. It is only through listening that we Fulfill others need to be heard and recognized – estimated by many psychologists to be one of our deepest spiritual needs. Can truly know empathy. Connection/Trust/Intimacy – for Christ to borne / revealed in others, to feel un-aloneness, to be in relationship / community with another in the Body of Christ Comfort – particularly in times of pain or loss - wholeness Hear ourselves hear God / Discover our own solutions to deeper intimacy– “peel the onion”, listen better in personal prayer. The understood directee is empowered and influenced to move on, explore more widely or more deeply. Self-Acceptance - granting affirmation/dignity to feelings and encouragement/praise
- Liberation - the Celebration of gratitude and joy at escaping from the prison of unfreedoms
- For a single “rule of thumb” Constant humility, vigilance and practice are the keys to being the best listeners we can be.
- Another author I recommend gives us some kindly perspective on our expectations for our listening selves
- (before clicks) No matter how challenging, we should remember that, like many things in spiritual direction, “spiritual listening” is a vocation of love. From this perspective I close asking us all to remember the word HEART is what it is really what it is all about …
- (before clicks) No matter how challenging, we should remember that, like many things in spiritual direction, “spiritual listening” is a vocation of love. From this perspective I close asking us all to remember the word HEART is what it is really what it is all about …