Penelope must choose between three suitors; Max seeks revenge.

1. The Squeaky Clean
Legacy
By Professor Butters
Chapter 15:2 Triple
Threat

2. Welcome back to the Squeaky Clean Legacy. I'm going to skip a lot of the explainy bits this
time. I apologize in advance for any confusion this may cause, but if you go one chapter back,
that's probably enough.
When we last left the Squeaky Clean Legacy, Penelope Goodytwoshoes, the Generation Eight
heiress, was trying to decide between three gentlemen, all of whom have become her friends:
Brody Legacina, Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, and Dinadan Locks.
Your thoughts on this, Penelope?
_______
Brody Legacina, Pseudo Legacy; Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, Vetinary Dualegacy; Dinadan
Locks, Goldilocks and the Nine Heirs.

3. Penelope: Oh, the HECK with this. I'm going to read *Man Maid Lust* for a while.
. . .don't give me that look. It's Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother Daisie Mae's
autobiographical novel.
I think Penelope is getting a little edgy. Reading romance novels seems to make her feel better.

4. As does picking on casual passers-by.
Penelope: Starchild? What kind of person has a name like Jared Starchild ? What decade are
you living in, anyway?

5. She's not the only one in the Goodygirls Sorority with problems.
Lucy: But I don't even like people. I hate people.
I know, but you're friends with a few blood relatives, and that's enough to get you into the Secret
Society, like it or not.

6. Carmilla and Victoria aren't very happy, either, though I must say that Carmilla is really good at
flower arranging.

7. Carmilla: RAH MY SOCIAL IS LOW YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY
That's the point. I'm trying for that Social Bunny Romance Master Point, and Carmilla and
Victoria both have Ten Outgoing points.

8. Hello, Bunny. You fail. Bring a friend next time. Pink for preference.

9. Ulysses: Listen, squirt, you're really cranky, and so is everybody here. Go on vacation. I'm
begging you.
Penelope: MMMmm. Thanks, Ulysses.

10. Penelope: Hello, realty office? I would like to purchase an obscenely expensive beach house.
Well, yes, I'm a sophomore in college, why do you ask? What do you mean, you need a credit
check? How about this: Jack Buccaneer's my father.
You're welcome.
***
Jack Buccaneer is the Generation Seven spouse and originally from Purple Bunny's Piratical
Legacy.

11. Victoria: FINALLY.
Carmilla: No kidding. Point me towards the Margaritas. And the boys.
Meanwhile, at the Shuffle Off Wedding Palazzo and Emporium of Temporary Amusement. . .

12. Spider Jerusalem Vetinari: So, what, we're playing Mah Jong for Penelope's hand in marriage or
something?
Dinadan Locks: That would probably be a first.
Brody Legacina: I don't think so. I think there's some kind of a poll.

13. Spider Jerusalem: A poll? You're kidding me. Our whole lives depend on an Internet poll?

14. Brody: Hey, don't knock polls. Some of the best things that ever happened to me came from
losing a poll.

15. Spider Jerusalem: There's one other thing.
Dad's here.

16. Spider Jerusalem: Maybe I should just call him Cypress. We're not related here. But he doesn't
care. He still wants to use me to get to the Goodytwoshoes. He already killed one of them--
Cecilia's husband, Secundus--and Cecilia went out of her mind and hasn't been the same since.
Dinadan: Why would someone do something like that?
Spider Jerusalem: Don't ask me. It's Dad. He doesn't make sense. He's just psychotic. You
don't know what it's like to be related to someone like that.

17. Brody: You'd be surprised.
We ought to tell the Goodytwoshoes. Especially Penelope. If she's anything like my niece
Miranda, she won't take kindly to being shielded.

18. Dinadan: I agree. She's safer if she knows. And conversations that start with, "I didn't tell you for
your own good" usually end badly.

19. Spider Jerusalem: There's one good thing, though. At least Cypress hasn't got my brother Cass.
I hate it when he makes him miserable, and he's so good at making himself miserable, anyway.
He's got horrible taste in guys.
Maybe I should back out right now. I've got too much baggage, and I'm too dangerous to have
around.

20. Dinadan: That wouldn't be right. You deserve the same chance as anyone. I'm going to tell
Penelope everything she needs to know about me, and pledge to help her in any way I can.
Spider Jerusalem: Pssh, easy for you to say that. You don't have any deep, dark secrets.
Dinadan: You don't know that.
Spider Jerusalem: OK, sure. I will if you will.

21. Brody: Yeeeees! I won!
. . . I meant the Mah Johg game. Don't look at me like that.

22. This is the obscenely expensive beach house the Goodytwoshoes now own. Two things leap to
the eye immediately:
1) I build very boring houses.
2) Even I get sick of pink after a while.

23. Barrett, usually photographers try to point the camera towards their subjects, not away from
them.
Barrett: I'm an art student. It's bold! It's new! It's fresh!
It's a picture of you holding a camera in front of your face and the back view of the ladies you're
travelling with.
Barrett: And I'm Romance, so how do you know that isn't intentional?

24. Something that always creeps me out, though, is the way Cecil always seems to be hanging
around in vacation neighborhoods.
Unsavory Charlatan: I am not Cecil. I am a Face One NPC wearing a grass skirt.
And a top hat. That's really convincing.

25. Congratulations, Carmilla! You are my first Sim to get a sunburn. Ouch, that looks as though it
smarts.
Carmilla does not let it slow her down.

26. Carmilla: I'm checking him for juiciness. Lucy is busy right now.
And what's the verdict?

27. Carmilla: Really, really juicy. Mmmm.

28. Penelope chooses slightly less flamboyant ways to relax.

29. Penelope: I don't know. I like them all. I'm not in love with any of them. . . yet. It's hard enough
to figure out what I want, and figure out which of them will fit in best with the Legacy, and that
might not be the same thing. And now there's this poll, and what if I decide I want one of them
and it isn't what the poll said? And that's not even getting into what Mom and Dad will think.
It's not so much that I'm confused. I just don't want to make any mistakes.

30. Penelope: Oh, well. There's no sense in letting a perfectly good marshmallow go to waste.
Hey. Everybody doesn't find love right away, right?

31. Calpurnia Marius: It hasn't escaped my notice that you keep following my twin sister around. Not
a good idea. Portia's Romance and she wants Twenty WooHoos, and you could only be one of
them. At most, two.
Fred Goodytwoshoes: What's wrong with Romance Sims? My great-grandfather Cassius is a
Romance Sim. I've been stuck in college on hold for about twenty years, so what are you going
to do about it?

32. Calpurnia: This.

33. Nice one, Fred. You usually come off as kind of cranky. I didn't know you were such a softy.
Fred: You've never let me date anyone, so how would you know?

34. Aw. Calpurnia looks so happy.
Those of you who aren't interested in simself stuff can skip this bit.
****
Calpurnia's the granddaughter of Marina/Smoothiequeen's simself. Fred's the great-grandson of
De/Fireflower314's simself. These two are such BFFs that it's just been a matter of time until
one of their descendants fell in love with another of their descendants. Fred's also my
Generation Five spare Ginger's son, which means Spencer Fitzhugh is also his grandfather,
which figures.
*****
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled legacy.

35. Algernon Marius got engaged to his girlfriend Madeleine, thus making more redheaded
Mariuses possible and even probable.
There are a LOT of Mariuses in Pleasantview. Lots of the Romans have intermarried with lots of
the Goodytwoshoes. It's all very multicultural now. Algernon can trace his ancestry back on one
side to the star-crossed lovers of Generation Three, Quintus and Giselle, the very first
Marius/Goodytwoshoes couple.

36. Titus Caesar even has little pointy ears, and when was the last time you saw that on a Roman?
Titus is also Penelope's first cousin. His mother is my Generation Seven spare, Diana, and she
inherited her pointy ears from her father, Nelson Penguino. Diana is now living a happy
permaplat life with Domitian Caesar, who gave her about 47 of her 50 Dream Dates. That kind
of thing really brings a couple together. So congratulations, Meadow, you're getting a guy who
knows about marital happiness.
Meadow: Squeal! Six Married Children!
That, however, is not happening.

37. Even Sextus Marius finally found a simself he likes, as five lady simselves breathe a sigh of
relief.
Thanks for getting back to us, Purple Bunny.

38. Also, thank you for the 5,000 Aspiration Points.

39. Penelope, however, is reduced to tiny wants like Eating Omelettes.

40. Or Stargazing With Telescope.
You could just do what your mother suggested, Penelope. Date all of them. It's what she would
have done.
Penelope: Mother also told me to find my own way, and her way isn't my way.

41. Carmilla: Seriously, Penelope. Just pick one of them. Or all of them. And then clean the
counters. That always makes me feel better.

42. One thing you have to say for Carmilla: she doesn't give advice she won't take herself. This is
her Psychology Professor, Professor Rorschach.
Carmilla: Hmmm. Redheaded, but I'm not sure he's very juicy.

43. Carmilla: What do you think, Lucy? Juicy enough?
Lucy: Squeak!

44. Victoria: Thanks for coming by, Professor Victim, I mean Rorschach.

45. Victoria: Congratulations on falling in love! Looks like fun!
Carmilla: Yeah! You should do it more often!

46. Penelope's decided that she ought to talk to all of her potential suitors one on one at least one
more time. I decided to leave everybody on free will and let them do (mostly) whatever they
wanted, in what became a sort of mini-Bachelorette Challenge. As you can see, she thinks
Brody is very attractive.

47. Which is why she spends his whole visit reading a book.
Penelope: It's by my Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother Daisie Mae, Brody, with
annotations by my uncle Lytton, and it's really interesting. . . hey wait. Great-Great-Great-Great
Grandfather Remington used to do what? Uh, well, I was, umm---never mind.

48. Carmilla: Don't take it personally, Brody. She just had an attack of the shys. Now, *I* have Ten
Outgoing Points like you, and there's perfectly good hot tub out back, and. . .
Brody: I'll stop by later.

49. Brody went straight for the chess table the next time, so I had Penelope join him.
Brody: Maybe she'll find playing chess a little easier.

50. Brody: I've been talking to Spider Jerusalem and Dinadan. It looks as though Cypress Vetinari is
still targeting your family. He already killed your uncle.
The problem is, we don't know exactly what he has in mind. It could be infiltration, it could be
kidnapping, or it could be a good old-fashioned murder spree. But we all wanted to make sure
you knew.

51. Penelope: So you came to me first, and not to my parents?
Brody: We're going to tell Jack and Sophia whatever we know, which isn't much. But we thought
we should tell you first.
Penelope: I appreciate that. It sounds as though he could go after anyone in the family, though,
so I'll pass it along.
What I want to know is a bit more about you, Brody. I didn't have much of a chance to talk to
you last time.

52. Brody: Well, I like the supernatural, anything about it. I've always thought it would be neat to be
a werewolf. You don't have witches here, do you?
Penelope: No, we don't. But my brother Ulysses is a vampire. You should talk to him sometime.
Brody: Let's see, what else? Oh, right, full disclosure; I've got a homicidal aunt. I get the
impression that the Prof tries really hard to keep her out of the neighborhood, and it would be
hard for her to sneak in. She's got gihungous wings. You couldn't miss her.

53. Brody: Also. . . what's that over there?
Penelope: You mean you cheat at chess.
Brody: Yeah, I do.
Penelope: I do, too!

54. Brody: Well, I hope that means we can be friends at least.

55. Penelope: I lost. I lost the game.

56. Brody: Don't feel bad about it, Penelope. Everybody has to lose sometimes.

57. In between the talks and the studying and the serious stuff, there are plenty of parties. Victoria's
Pop, and she and Victoria, and even Penelope, want to throw toga parties all the time. This time
Victoria invited her parents, RubyBlue and Lytton.
Lytton: Cancel it out of her queue.
Excuse me?
Lytton: Achilles is going to hit on her. He's her first cousin once removed, and he's Romance,
and please, just cancel it out of her queue.
Oh, all right. Victoria does seem to be a magnet for inappropriate attention.

58. Given her choice right now, though, she just wants to dance with her mother.

59. Cass: Where are we going?
Achilles: Out. I need to get a cell phone. Who ever heard of a Romance Sim without a cell
phone? And you're coming along because I'm sick of hearing you whine about Max. You just
need to meet the right half a dozen men, the five or six guys who are right for you.

60. Achilles: And that means we'll need to cover a lot of ground, so fasten your seat belt.
Cass: Isn't this Max's car?
Achilles: Yeah, but he never uses it. I don't see the point in having a cool car if you don't use it
to pick up chicks. Or whatever.

61. Cass: So you think if I pretended to be smart, he'd like me more?
Achilles: Oh, for crying out loud. No, I don't! First of all, I'm about 95% sure that Max isn't gay.
And second of all, it DOES NOT MATTER because you + him = one huge hairball. You're all
about fun. Max is no fun at all, and I can say that because I love the guy. It's all science, death,
and the science of death.
Spider Jerusalem: Eeeeey. . . .shrouda?

62. Spider Jerusalem: Cass ?

63. Achilles: C'mon. Fun!
Cass: Yeah, Fun!
Spider Jerusalem: Cass? Having fun?

64. Spider Jerusalem: Cass? Is that you?

65. Spider Jerusalem: Are you ok? Is Dad treating you badly?

66. Cass: I don't know what you're talking about. Dad's always treated me really well. OK, I hated
the homework part, but other than that, he's cool.
That's kind of weird. I mean, you know my name, but you don't know a thing about me. And I
don't know you at all.

67. Achilles: Congratulations on being abducted by aliens, Ulysses!
Ulysses: I thought you hated it when I was abducted by aliens.
Achilles: Whatever. I don't judge.

68. Achilles: OK, finally I get a spare minute around here. Get me a really, really good date.

69. Sorry, Achilles, you can't have this one. And Other PB, I'm going to get you engaged right away.
You get dropped for almost every Romance Sim who wants a date.

70. Barrett's sort of unusual for a Romance Sim. To be honest, I don't think he's that good at it.

71. Barrett: Jeez, Ulysses! Don't give me a heart attack at all!
Ulysses: I'm just trying to get to class.

72. The problem with these guys is that almost all the Romance Sims in the house like the same
few girls. Stephan originally got Heather Huffington on a date, but I thought Barrett ought to
have a chance.
Heather was engaged to my Third Generation Romance spare, Delightful, for a whole day
before she died of old age, and she was one of Cornelius Marius' girlfriends back in the day. But
I don't think that matters now.

73. Heather: You're not real good at this Romance thing, are you?
It's true. Barrett is lousy at being a Romance Sim, and I think part of it is the Ten Nice points.
He's ready to be friendly to anybody before practically anyone else is. So he always wants to
push it a little bit, and that makes dates tough.

74. Despite Barrett's messiness at Romance Simming, Heather leaves him a whopper of a present.

75. And it looks as though Barrett is grateful. Now the problem is, do I let him marry her? I know he
probably doesn't want to get married all that much; he's certainly rolling the fear of getting
engaged. But he's so pretty, and I don't want to let all those genetics to go to waste. His father
made things difficult by being gay, and now he's making things difficult by being Romance. But if
it's worked out for his father Brutus, I guess it can work out for Barrett.
Also, do I really want to play Heather through at Tri-Var? Oh, well. I'll cross that bridge when I
come to it.

76. Spider Jerusalem: I can't get to the cowplant.

77. Spider Jerusalem: RAAAR I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I CAN'T GET TO THE COWPLANT.

78. Penelope: I made dinner. The cowplant doesn't really satisfy hunger, you know. Its hunger,
maybe, but not yours.
Spider Jerusalem: I knew that.

79. Spider Jerusalem: Snarf gobble snarf snurf

80. Penelope: It's kind of cute the way he eats fish through his nose, isn't it?

81. Spider Jerusalem: So. I have two fathers. One of them is Death, and I hear he's the nice one.
The other one. . .total psychopath. I don't know why I'm calling him Dad here. It's not as though
we're really related.
Anyway, I'm not nice at all. I screw up peoples' lives just by being in them. I don't know why
anybody would want to be my friend.

82. Penelope: I do. You're very smart, and you're very decent. Kind of angsty, but then you've been
under a lot of stress.
Thank you for being so concerned about my family. I'm sure we can handle it, though. We're
good people, but it doesn't mean we're stupid.

83. Spider Jerusalem: There's more, though. I ran into Cass. I'm sure it was Cass. He didn't
recognize me at all.
Penelope: Cass? Cass Marius is your brother? Cass is an old friend. But he was adopted, and
adopted children have a total memory wipe. He wouldn't remember any of the abusive things
your father did, but then he wouldn't remember you, either.
Spider Jerusalem: That makes sense.

84. Spider Jerusalem: The thing is, I'm not sure I want to remind him. He seems happy.

85. Penelope: Well, that's tricky. Usually I'd say you should tell someone everything, but I'm not
sure that applies to Cass. The most important thing is that this can't get back to Cypress. If he
knows about Cass, he might try to hurt you through him and us through you. And that would be
tough on Cass.
So you can stop worrying about it so much. You don't have to deal with this alone.

86. Spider Jerusalem: Thanks. I appreciate it. I'm not used to having friends.

87. Penelope: Yes.
***Sigh***

88. And after the heavy conversation, a good time was had by all.
Spider: To be honest, I kind of like the vampire girl in the scanty nightgown.
Lucy: I juice guys, I don't seduce them. That's Carmilla's line. But thanks anyway.

89. Coordinated cheerful dancing!

90. Spider Jerusalem: Vaddi bobo to you too!
You look happier.
Spider Jerusalem: Oh, sure. I think anybody would feel better after they talked to Penelope.
She's very nice in a mean kind of way.
Which is why you went for the hot tub and the dance sphere and even the cowplant?

91. Cass: So, do you always wear black because it's slimming, or what?

92. Max: No. I wear black for my father.
---My father?
---Because he *died*. And people wear black for people who have died.
Cass: Oh, I get it. You wear black because he died. Well, that sounds like a bummer.
Max: I never forget him. Ever.

93. Achilles: Cass? Waste of time. I'm telling you.

94. Cass: Sucks to lose your Dad like that, though. My Dad's always been great. Earnest played
catch with me, helped me with my homework. . .did from the day I was adopted.
Max: You were adopted.
Cass: Yep. So I don't remember anything about my first dad, only he must have been a real
piece of work, or I wouldn't have been taken away by the Social Worker. I saw the adoption
certificate once. Name was Cypress. . . what was it? Vegetable? Veterinarian? . . . oh, yeah.
Vetinari. That was it.

95. Max: Cassidy, you are no longer my friend.

96. Cass: Excuse me, what?

97. Max: And consider yourself lucky that I don't kill you.

98. Achilles: Sheesh, Max, if you don't want to go out with a guy, you could just say no. You don't
have to get all pissy about it.
Max: His father killed my father. His father drove my mother to madness. His father destroyed
my life.
Achilles: . . . ok, I can see why that might be awkward, but seriously, Cass didn't have anything
to do with that. He doesn't even remember his father. And I think you really hurt his feelings.

99. Max: My father is dead. My mother is insane. And Cass Vetinari . . .ANY Vetinari. . . had his
feelings hurt. Hmmm. I wonder what's going to bother me most.

100. Back to Penelope.
Penelope: Before we say anything else, Dinadan, I wanted to say something about you
grabbing me and kissing me. It's sort of an interesting thing to have cemented in my memory
panel.

101. Dinadan: I'm really, really sorry about that. My father taught me to be courteous, and he would
have been appalled.
I don't really have an explanation, and I won't make an excuse, because there isn't any, but I do
want to apologize.

102. Penelope: What makes you think I want an apology?
Look, no one should grab a girl and kiss her without permission. I hate that. But you didn't kiss
me without permission. If you kissed me, it was 50% me. At least 50% me. I just didn't want to
talk around it and pretend it didn't happen. I consider you to be one of my dearest friends, and it
has nothing to do with the fact that I practically ripped your shirt off.

103. Dinadan: Um. . .I'm confused, but mostly in a good way. . .I think.
Penelope: No problem. At least that's out of the way.

104. Penelope: . . .so anyway, I told Ulysses I'd tell mom and dad he was sneaking out with Lucy and
Carmilla! You should have SEEN the expression on his face. Ulysses is my brother, by the way.
He's a vampire, because Carmilla kind of vamped him and then Lucy really vamped him. They
do that. It's hard to explain.
Wow, listen to me. I meant to ask about you.

105. Victoria: Penelope? We've had three lightning strikes in twelve hours and the trees keep going
on fire and it's driving me bananas. Get out here. NOW.

106. Dinadan: There was something I wanted to tell you. I killed both of my parents.
Penelope: . . . interesting. Go ahead.
Dinadan: Maybe not killed. Was responsible for their deaths. Partly responsible for their deaths.
***Explanations ensue***
Dinadan: So if I hadn't done that, he wouldn't have been there in the first place and wouldn't
have died, and then my mother wouldn't have died, because I think the shock killed her.
****
The details can be found in *Goldilocks and the Nine Heirs.*

107. Llama guy: Shoo flee? I want to do homework exactly where you're sitting?

108. Penelope: We're having a serious conversation, Ted. Butt out. I don't think you can blame
yourself for that, Dinadan. Not totally. I know you're used to being the responsible one, but a lot
of other people made all that happen, and you got mixed up in it.
I think you're just about the total opposite of my father, Jack. He hardly trusts anybody. But he
trusts his family, utterly, and I trust him, too. He'd die for any of us.
Dinadan: That sounds exactly like something my father would say. He'd add a lot of courtly
flourishes onto it, of course, but pretty much the same thing. It's too bad you'll never meet him.
Penelope: Yes. It's too bad.

109. I know what you're going to say, Dinadan. Practically anybody feels better after they talk to
Penelope.
Dinadan: Well, yes, because it's true. She just heals you up inside. And then you want to pillow
fight or something.
Or something.
Dinadan: Or something, yes.

110. Well, I think she's going to have to conserve her energy for a while, so you probably need to go
home now.

111. Whoo, that thunderstorm was terrible. I've never seen it that bad.
Penelope: I had an accident. *snf*
Rotten timing, I agree, or maybe not. I promise you, nobody saw. And you were hit by
lightening, Penelope. I'm sorry you had an accident, but I was scared I'd lost you.
***
It really was the worst thunderstorm I'd ever seen. Dinadan and Penelope talked through at
least two fires. It wouldn't stop. I finally had to have Penelope use the Weather Machine to stop
it, and that's the first time I've used it for that.

112. Max: Cypress Vetinari. Do you know who I am?

113. Cypress: Not really. Can't say I do.

114. Max: I'm Max Goodytwoshoes. You killed my father. You told me to come back when I was a
foot taller and my brains grew in. I am. They have. And the only thing I want to do is destroy you
and everyone that ever came in contact with you.

117. Cypress: I don't like stuff thrown in my eyes.

118. Cypress: See, kid. . . the thing about killing. . . what's wrong with it is. . .

119. Cypress:. . . I so seldom get a chance to do it with my own hands.

121. ***snap***

123. . . . .

124. Cecil: I do not beg.

125. Cecil: I shall not beg.

126. Cecil: I will not beg.

127. (To be continued.)