Welcome back to the Vetinari Dualegacy! This is Chapter 27: Cry “Havoc” and Let Slip the Dogs of War!Better known as The Last Chapter.For real. Last time, the Gen 9 heirs, Jojo and Jack, found wives and finished college. All they need to do is have a baby each,and the challenge is over!Assuming, you know, they survive that long...
Jojo, of course, gets his pink shirt back.Hes still the same old Jojo. Sloppy, super nice, Pleasure, kind of nonlinear.
“We need for everyone to get along!”“Rawk! Make the world safe!”“I know, right?”
Hes also sort of obsessed with the kittens at this point.“Theyre cute and theyre fluffy and they like to play with my hair!”
“Were going with Phee-Phee, are we?”“Jojo and Phee-Phee! Doesnt that sound great?”“It sort of sounds like we might be poodles.”“Poodles were originally bred as water retrievers!”“I did not know that.”“You wanna get married now?”“...Sure, why not?”
“Hmph. Well, at least someone around here is getting married.”Lawrin is a little bitter that my impending neighborhood meltdown means that this time, none of my spare-types are gettingmarried or Permaplat. Lawrin is a Family Sim, and this isnt sitting well with her.
“Yes! Spock beats lizard!”“Wait, I thought lizard beat Spock.”“Whatever. Wheres your brother Jack? I figured hed be all about coming to a party!”“Hes a little... paranoid... right now. Dad said he hasnt left the house since he got back home. And also he wont let anyoneelse leave either.”“Damn. I never figured him for being totally neurotic.”“Extenuating circumstances, I think.”
“So you really go all-out with the whole pink thing, dont you?”“Before the twentieth century, pink was associated with boys because it was seen as pale red, and red was a martial color.”“Huh.”“Plus its pretty.”
And, you know, wedding things happened. Its Jojo. Heprobably sang her some dubstep, compared her to agrapefruit, and offered to bring her a dead mouse justin case she decided she was an owl.And Ophelia put up with it, because shes a Family Simand the ol biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away.
Yay married! And it didnt even glitch or anything!
And there was even a reasonable turnout, although Nikolai and Kinsey got waylaid on the porch by Lark, who incidentallysuggested that Ophelia now be known as Phee-Phee.Lark writes Yakkos World OWBC.
“You found me pink cake!”I did.“You probably think Im going to shove it!”And I bet Id be right.
This happened to the shock of absolutely no one.
Then it was time for the normal post-wedding things, like making me a tenth-generation heir.
And also getting spooked by the family ghosts, because theres nothing I like better than having my pregnant Sims meet thedead relatives, ARTIE.
Since I didnt have to gender-swap her or anything, I left her personality and Aspiration as is. Ophelia Nigmos Vetinari is still thesame old Virgo 4/6/5/4/6 Family Sim she is in Strangetown.
Seriously, he loves the kittens. And it really does look like theyre batting at his dreadlocks.
Ophelia pops the first time, and the countdown begins!Her LTW is 6 Grandkids. Good luck with that, Phee-Phee.As a pregnant Sim, shes kind of frightening. Ive had Family Sims before, and none of them has been quite as focused as sheis. Her Want Panel, on a daily basis, is like some insane Family Sim checklist. Have a Baby? CHECK. Influence to Clean?CHECK. Face Wants for husband? CHECK and CHECK. Weirdly, I think it makes them one of the stronger Family/Pleasurecouples Ive had, because shes just SO INTENSE.
The kittens grow up. Thats Angel on the left and Spike on the right, looking all smug because he knows I love him best. Angeland Lilah promptly got sold to Lawrin, who hung around awhile because there was a slim chance she might actually get to holda baby.
“Hello baby! Im sorry you have to come into a world where Pluto is no longer a planet!”“I dont think it will be that traumatic.”“It was for Pluto.”
Ben also haunted that night. I guess he wanted to see his niece or nephew!
“Oh, come on! All I said was that its clearly only a dwarf planet!”
Its kind of sad when even the other Family Sim isnt terribly interested in the baby.
Ophelia is, though. And so we have little Gully Foyle, meaning half of the challenge is done!I decided that the names for the last generation should be a nod to my Founders, so theyre named for sci-fi characters. GullyFoyle is the protagonist of Alfred Besters The Stars My Destination (or Tiger! Tiger! if youre of the British persuasion), and isone of my all-time favorite antiheroes.
“Was that a noise? I think I heard a noise. OH GOD WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!”Jacks under a little stress right now.Then again, its not paranoia if they really are coming to get you.
“It would be so much easier if he were a childrinion like the rest of them. None of these namby-pamby Nice Points.”
Willow and Xander grow up. It doesnt matter which one is which...
...because Buffy is clearly the awesomest dog, and gets to stay, while the other two get sold to Paulie.
“You made it! Good, now move in, and never leave!”“...Like, never?”“Its safer in here, where people are not actively trying to kill me.”“I think they might, if you dont let anyone leave.”“Look, lets just go get pregnant and then you have a baby, and then if we all die, at least we won first. Yay?”“You know just the thing to say to turn a girl on.”
“I love you, lets do this before were all horribly murdered? Is that romantic? I cant tell anymore.”“Its probably the best Im likely to get out of you right now.”
Nancy makes her own fun.Unlike Ophelia, she does not retain the personality of the person shes based off of, because lets be honest, its NervousSubject, would you give anyone that personality if you didnt have to? No. So shes a 2/2/5/8/8 Aquarius Knowledge Siminstead.I rolled the dice for her Zodiac and Aspiration. Honestly, Jack could do worse than someone else whos a slob, reasonably lazy,and extremely nice.
DAMMIT, BRAD!Jokes on you, though, Nancy rolled Knowledge so shes cool with it and she totally didnt pee herself.
Which, you know, is always a risk when you have pregnant Sims hanging around with free-roaming ghosts.
“Yay baby! Hurry on out so we can all stop worrying about our own imminent horrible deaths!”“You really need to calm down, Jack.”“Oh! I almost forgot!”
“We totally need to get married so the baby will have my name!”“Wouldnt you rather throw a party?”“Yes, but mostly I would rather not have a ton of people walking in the house and out in the yard, where Cypress could easilysneak in and cause massive casualties. I hear massacres are really not a lot of fun.”
Utterly romantic wedding of the century, am I right?
Oh, good. Tess haunts during the DAY now. This just keeps getting better and better.
Nancy might not be as family-obsessed as Ophelia, but she is one of the more capable pregnant Sims Ive had. Shes prettynonchalant about the ghost scares, she mostly sticks to salads and cereal when shes hungry, and generally doesnt requiremuch babysitting from me.
“Jack, the mailman came today. Can I go out and pay the bills?”“Leave em. We got plenty of time before the repo guy comes.”“Youre really not going to let anyone get the mail? Were all under house arrest?”“Look, we dont know where Cypress is or what hes planning. For all we know, hes lurking in the bushes waiting to stabwhoever comes out next. Or hes got his lightning machine all queued up, ready to go. Or maybe he put anthrax on the bills,and if you touch them, youll die. Its not like he hasnt stabbed, electrocuted, or poisoned people before. Oh, and those are justthe ones we know about.”
“Are you as sick of this as I am?”“My sons just trying to do what he thinks is right. Hes taking it pretty far, sure, but honestly, I dont know if Id be doing thingsany differently. We all know what Cypress is capable of, but none of us actually know him. Not the way Larch did.”“So youre just, what, going to sit around inside until I have this baby?”
“Well, if you want the truth, I sneak out to the balcony and take a whirl on the Dance Sphere when Jacks busy worrying aboutsomething else. Im sure hed tell me that perhaps Cypress is a military sniper capable of taking out a target from five milesaway, through a blizzard, but I think its worth the risk.”
“Sounds like fun, although Im not sure whirling around on a gyroscope is the best thing for a baby. I guess Ill just cover for you,and keep Jack happy.”
“You really are taking this a bit far, Jack.”“What else am I supposed to do? I just know its my job to keep me and Nancy safe until we have a baby. And, yeah, you andDad can go wandering around outside, youve done your jobs already, but what if he grabs you and holds you hostage? Idhave to choose to keep myself and Nancy safe, you know that and I know that, but that doesnt mean I want to be in thatposition, or that I want to be responsible for you and Dad getting killed. So please. Just humor me for a little while longer, andstay inside.”
“What are we going to do, Stevie? Just play along?”“The baby is coming soon. After that, were free to do as we please.”“And until then?”“Until then, Im going to make pancakes. I bet Nancy would really like a plate of pancakes.”“Thats your solution?”“I cant stop Cypress, but I can make breakfast. We all have our talents.”
“Clearly I have not thought this whole everyone stays inside and well all be safe thing out as thoroughly as I could have.”“The back door—““Is also on fire.”“Ah.”“Yeah. Do you think maybe...?”“If this isnt the right time, nothing is?”“Well, if were supposed to let the rain wash away the sins of the past, its unfortunate that its sunny and beautiful outside.”“Unless...”
“The Weathernaught in the backyard. But both doors are on fire. How are we supposed to get to it?”“Bust out a window?”“Even if we could fit through any, wed be dealing with shards of broken glass and Cypress.”“Dangerous combination.”
“The balcony.”“What about it?”“I could climb over the railing, hang, and drop. Itd only be a few feet.”“Good idea, but I should go.”“Dad, you cant. Youre old. If you broke a hip or something, youd be out there with him, unable to get away. Its gotta be me.Besides, Nancys pregnant. Shes the important one now, not me.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, old man, but you aint won shit.”
“Well, arent you adorable. My late brothers last little toy, no doubt.”“His weapon, if youre being specific.”“Are you a miracle? Because thats what they need.”“They already have what they need.”“Oh?”“An ace in the hole.”
Harder than I expected.Come on out of there already!
“Trust me, the feelings mutual.”“So what, your Servo can project a hologram?”“Oh no, Im the real deal. Well, almost. The soul bit, anyway. Turns out your boy has some skills. And incidentally, in case youdidnt know, doesnt really like you very much.”“Spider Jerusalem? When was he ever not a disappointment? I should have killed him sooner.”“Yeah. You should have.”“A surprising sentiment from you.”
“Cy, you dumbass, you didnt just kill him, you Obi-Wanned him. When he died, he got aaaaaalllll that power you always wishedhe had. And he decided itd be a little more fun if we got to have this out just the two of us, you and me.”“Ungrateful little brat.”“I wonder why that is.”“So he let you, what? Possess your stupid robot?”“More or less. Pretty slick trick, and just between us, I wasnt sure he could pull it off.”
“I wouldnt put too much of your faith in him. I learned its easily misplaced.”“Dont worry, I didnt. Ive been planning this since the day you were born. The fact that I can be here to see it for myself is... anadded bonus.”“In case you hadnt noticed, the house is on fire with your not-so-lovely descendents trapped inside. Have you been planningfor that since you were a wee fetus too?”
“Heres the thing you dont understand—the thing youve never understood: how to play the long game without cheating. Whenwe were kids playing chess, wed always try to cheat, and youd always catch me. I never got away with it. I had to learn how towin by playing by the rules. You never had to plan ahead, because at the last minute, you could sneak in a bishop or a knightand put me in check. I had to anticipate your moves—and your cheating. And I had to do it fair and square. I had to win, by thebook, and I learned. I learned to beat you, and I did, time and time again, I know you, I know your moves and your shortcuts,and Ill win just like I always did, because-”
“How positively tiresome. Is that really what I sound like when I do that? Its a wonder anyone puts up with it at all. Oh, wait.”
“Is that really how you want to do this? Fine by me.”
“Well, at least theyre preoccupied with each other, right?”
“Just keep ignoring me, nobody here but us chickens...”
“Oh, come on! How are you not even bleeding a little?”
“Im dead, moron. Thats my grave right over there, underneath the painting of that handsome shirtless devil with the fauxhawk.You cant hurt me.”
“Fine, so youre death-proof, but how about those little descendents of yours? Not so lucky, I imagine.”“Like I said. I know you, and I planned ahead.”
“I really, really hope this is what you meant, Grandpa Larch.”
“You planned ahead. Great. Ive had generations to plan. Do you really think you can beat me? Here and now?”“I think you mishandled the best asset you could have had. And I think Ive already won.”“Oh?”
“Because its raining. Good boy, Jack. Even a childrinion couldnt have done it better.”
“So its raining. So what? Its not like Ill melt.”“You never did see the big picture, did you?”
“Okay, yes, fine, rain is an excellent way to extinguish the house fire. Well done. Except that Im still here and still perfectlycapable of killing your precious heirs.”
“You just dont get it, do you? The rain was never about the fire. See, youre forgetting one very important thing. Im not Larch.”
“Bastard... Youve killed... us both.”“That... was the plan... asshole.”
“Fun fact: Servos are apparently alive enough to die, and when they do, they leave behind a body capable of being possessedby a sufficiently-motivated Dead Reaper Child. I wasnt actually sure that would be the case. You... well, you look like youveseen better days.”“You... did this to me.”“Technically, Larch did this to you, but honestly, I mostly think you did this to yourself.”
“Cass used to read me bedtime stories. The one that really stuck with me was the one about the scorpion and the frog. Youknow, the scorpion is wandering around, doing scorpion things, and he gets to a river thats too wide and deep for him to crosswithout drowning, and then he sees this frog, and he goes, Hey man, give me a lift across the river--I may be paraphrasing—and the frogs like, “Pffft, no, youre a scorpion, youre gonna sting me, and the scorpions all, Nah bro, cause if I sting youwhile youre taking me across the river, youll die from the venom and Ill drown, what kind of idiot would I be if I did that? andthe frog says, Youre a scorpion, stinging me is in your nature, and the scorpion goes, Dude, I dont wanna drown, give me alift, I promise I wont sting you. So the frog says OK and the scorpion gets on his back and the frog starts swimming across theriver, and halfway across, the scorpion stings him. And the frogs like, What the fuck, dude? You just killed us both! And thescorpions like, “Whatever bro, its in my nature. I know the point of the story is that you always have to expect people tobehave according to their nature, but even as a kid, that story, like, deeply pissed me off. You know why?”
“Because if that fucking scorpion had shown one fucking ounce of self-control, they both coulda lived. But it was in his fuckingnature to be an asshole, so everybody had to suffer. And maybe, if thats what you really are, you deserve to die, but thatdoesnt mean you get to take anyone else down with you.”
“So heres the thing. I dont wanna be the scorpion. I can make different choices. I can fight my nature.”“What...?”“Im going to forgive you. For every hurt you caused me, for killing me... Youre just not strong enough to fight what you are. Ifeel sorry for you. And I forgive you.”
“That only... makes... it worse.”“Yeah. I know.”