The Epilogue of the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!The winner has been crowned, but that doesnt mean its over!For more Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy on DrSupremeNerds SimPage or the Boolprop.com forums.
"Ohmigaw! Its the epilogue to the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge! This is where wefinally get everyone married and get a look at all of the assorted spawn! Whee!"But first--massively crazy SimSelf bash at the observation post! With a few choice menfolk around to raise the party score!Embarrassingly short outfits! Glam makeup! Amusing Smustle faces! It just wouldnt be a SimSelf party without those, wouldit?"
These two will raise a party score all on their own... Guaranteed.
These two fall in Crush all on their own. Completely unintended and unexpected. ApparentlyStacilees SimSelf feels the same way about Cory as the real Stacilee!Cass goes to DJ and kicks the party into high gear!
"I like big butts and I cannot lieYou other brothers cant denyThat when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waistAnd a round thing in your faceYou get sprung..."
Di: "I say, this frock is quite revealing. Im not sure my Victorians would approve."SimNerd: "Mmm-hmmm."Di: "Are you even listening?"SimNerd: "Sorry. I feel like somewhere close theres... Sir Mix-A-Lot..."
Stacilee: "I didnt know there was such a thing as Baby Got Back-dar."SimNerd: "Its a rare gift. I gotta go."
"WHOOOOO! The booty is fierce, people! WHOOOOOO!"I have never actually done this.As far as any of you know, I have never actually done this."WHAT HAPPENS ON BOURBON STREET STAYS ON BOURBON STREET, BABY!"
"So fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)Tell em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)Shake that healthy butt!Baby got back!"
Kendra: " Baby Got Back? Really?"Stacilee: "Yeah, apparently theres a dar for that."Kendra: "Something tells me juice is involved."Stacilee: "Isnt it usually?"
Well, theres a bit of Smustle confusion, but thats only to be expected. And just whos who in this wacky cast of characters?
Larch Vetinari, Gen 2 Uglacy heir. His Eeevilness was unexpected but ultimately not unwelcome, and somehow he madebeing an Eeevil Family Sim work. Hes engaged to one of the ousted contestants, and wants a wedding and somechildrinions."Word to your mother."
Cormorant "Cory" Vetinari, Gen 4 Uglacy heir. Hes the last of my serious Pleasure Sims, and was here mostly for a cheapvisual joke, and now he and Stacilee are crushing on each other. Fun!"She thinks Im hot like Adrien Brody."
Cassidy Vetinari, half-alien son of Dualegacy villain Cypress. Hes also the half-brother of Spider Jerusalem, and inRiverblossom Hills, he pretty much single-handedly raised his little brother. Out here in Pleasantview, hes a goofy PleasureSim, with zero trauma in his life."Wooo! Aspiration points for DJing!"
Gilbert Jacquet, Cassidys boyfriend. Hes ditched the polo shirt and the blonde eyebrows, and he and Cass mostly cantkeep their hands off each other. Theyre crazy-cute together."I love my boyfriend! Nobody tear my head off!"And as for the chicas?
SimNerd, SimSelf of DrSupremeNerd. Thatd be me; try to keep up, wont you? Nerdy, laconic, frequently snarky creator ofthe Vetinaris and their Dualegacy."Wooo! I dance like a white girl from the Midwest! Wooooooo!"
Stacilee, SimSelf of stacilee/stacierearden, writer of the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy. Currently crushing on Cory. Lover ofsci-fi and fantasy television."This is just like being in Once More With Feeling! "
Di, SimSelf of Dicreasy, writer of the Victorian Legacy. Shes spent the last few days trying to avoid Larch and his two bolts ofstalkery goodness."Perhaps theres something to be said for all this technology after all; the dancing is quite amusing, though I shouldendeavour to learn the steps."
Orikes, SimSelf of Orikes/orikes360, writer of the Pseudo Legacy. She was ousted from the challenge on the first day, butshe got engaged to Larch and is pregnant with his childrinions."Yay! Pleasure Sim loves parties! Which way to the juice? ...Seriously, I have a mad OJ craving."
Michelle, SimSelf of MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs, writer of the Planetary Apocalypse. Shes another fan of sci-fi, and herIsaac and Orson are just as awesome as mine. The second eliminee, she got to beat the tar out of Mr. Big aka Jerky Jake(post-Grilled Cheese-ing), and currently has the Want to turn him into a zombie. I guess she missed the memo."Oh, I got the memo! I just want to beat him up again!"
Gin, SimSelf of GintasticNecat, writer of The Science of a Legacy. She left the Bachelor Challenge on Day 3. A fellow sciencenerd, she names her characters Latin names of various species, and has been known to use the word "shrew" as anadjective. Hooray nerds!"This party is totally shrew!"
De, SimSelf of fireflower314/fireflowersims.livejournal.com, writer of the Morgan and Pierce Legacies. She was eliminated onDay 4, and got to drop a satellite on Jerky Jake and turn him into a zombie, in between which she got her groove on."It was almost better than babies! But nothings better than babies."
Styx, SimSelf of StyxLady/lorddaeos, writer of Just Another Legacy. Her end in the BC came in the form of catching SpiderJerusalem cheating after the Crushes had flown, and she managed to turn Poke into a flirt. It wasnt all bad, though; shesengaged to Wren, and has already run to the bathroom once to barf because of the pregnancy."I love Stabby Death Nose!"
Kendra, SimSelf of riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271, writer of the Punk Legacy. She led the first two days of the BC, but placedsecond, despite her naked hot-tubbing. As a consolation prize, she got to kill Jerky Jake and reverse-rez him. The worstpunishment for any Mr. Big is ten nice points."I just wish I coulda done an Ozzy and bitten his head off!"
Kaiyah, SimSelf of Kaiyah/Kaiyah2, writer of Legacy Shmegacy. Shes the winner of the BC, and has the spider dress toprove it. With the three bolts of chemistry she had with Spider Jerusalem, there was no need for her to resort to chemicalwarfare, but she did it anyway..."I got Spider Jerusalem WooHoo!"
Larch: "You gonna give me a wedding now, or am I gonna have to make you regret not getting rid of Rodneys DeathCreator?"SimNerd: "Youre first on my list, Larch. Im trying to get the wedding party in before Orikess belly pops. Because the customgowns are sooo much more fabulous than the default maternity dresses."
Larch: "Aaawwww... you dragged everybody out for my little shindig."Orikes: "Except for Spider Jerusalem, because you know theres gonna be slapping if he shows up to any of these."Larch: "An excellent point, my sweet."
"So, whaddaya say? You, me, childrinions? You give me some teeny little minions, and Ill happily do all the skill-teaching,and the cooking, and the cleaning because Im a neat-freak, and you can jump on the couch and take bubble baths and sitaround in your pajamas all day."
"You know, that sounds pretty perfect. And having kids means people to play with and talk to, so its just fantastic all the wayaround! Plus, youre kinda hot."
Yes indeedy, there was quite the turnout. Di, De, Cassidy, Blonde Komeiclone, Styx, Gilbert...
...more Blonde Komeiclone, Michelle, Gin, Kendra, SimNerd, Stacilee, and Kaiyah.Stacilee and Kaiyah did not bother to twirl into their gowns. What gives? Gins rocking the Marilyn over there, and youre injeans and your everyday dress!
The party was a Roof-Raiser, Blonde Komeiclone and Meadow Thayer and SimSelves who refuse to wear their pretty dressesnotwithstanding.
Orikes: "Cheesecake, huh?"Larch: "Bonus childrinion!"Orikes: "All I can say is, thank Wright for maxmotives."Larch: "Feh. I did twins WITHOUT maxmotives and it didnt kill me."
Orikes: "Hey! Ive got a belly over here!"Larch: "Well, the bathrooms all nice and shiny clean if you want a bubble bath."Orikes: "Sweet."Seriously, Orikes takes two or three bubble baths a day.
Larch: "Hello, little childrinions! Be nice and Eeevil for Daddy!"Orikes: "They could be nice, you know."Larch: "Aaaww, you know Im just kidding. I loved my nice grandchildrinion just as much as the mean one. I love mychildrinions whether theyre, you know, minion-y or not."Orikes: "I know. Ive seen you with your kids."Larch: "What can I say? I may be Eeevil, but Im a Family Sim."Orikes: "Ive also seen you with Spider Jerusalem."Larch: "Uh... I feel the sudden urge to kiss you!"
Larch went and did this autonomously, which surprised me no end. Through judicious use of the RenuYu Orb, Ive gottenLarch and Orikes all the way up to neutral chemistry, so I very much didnt expect him to do things like this on his own. Butthere he goes, Romantically kissing his wife without being told.Larch Vetinari--full of surprises.
Orikes: "Larch! Babies!"Larch: "Yeah yeah yeah, twirl and catch already! Childrinions now!"Orikes: "A little sympathy would be useful at this juncture."Larch: "Uh... Im here to be shocked and stand around like a statue. Sim men dont really do useful during the birthingprocess."
Orikes: "Heres the first one. Hang on a sec and Ill twirl out the other."Larch: "CHILDRINIONS!"Yup, childrinion #1 is a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy.
And childrinion #2 is a brown-haired, blue-eyed boy.In keeping with the theme of Larchs kids being named after flowers, Ive decided to call these two Nasturtium and Daffodil.Hahaha no. Larchs twin is Reed; Orikess is Basil. And thats the British pronunciation of Basil, with the short a and the hards (Baz-ul), as opposed to the American Basil, with the long a and soft s (Bay-sil), because it sounds cooler. And, OK, nottechnically flowers, but whos going to quibble over details?Since I can cheat here, time to grow the useless babies up into toddlers!
Interesting-looking, but not nearly as weird as Zee and Finn. I think hell be cute. I do believe that is the Vetinari jaw!Reeds a Scorpio 10/9/9/1/6. So, same Zodiac as Finn, but neater, more outgoing and active, more serious, and a heck of alot nicer."I wanted a minion. Six nice points is not a minion."
Those are some monster cheeks on that kid. And possibly the Vetinari jaw as well.Baz is definitely a Vetinari, though: Aries 10/10/4/3/1--exact same personality as Zee, if I remember correctly."Hes my little minion!"Yes, Baz is Daddys Little Minion. So, I had to do it...
Baz gets a fauxhawk just like Daddys!Seriously, how adorable are they?And now for some power Want-fulfilling for Larch and the toddlers!
Larch: "Can you say Eeevil, Baz?"Baz: "Eeevil!"Larch: "Whos my little minion?"Baz: "Me!"
Reeds a little bit of a tougher nut to crack.Larch: "Can you say minion, Reed?"Reed: "NO MINION!"Larch: "Slightly minion?"Reed: "No."
Reed: "Sunshine!"Orikes: "I like sunny days too! Sunny days and bubble baths!"Reed: "Sunshine and kitties!"Orikes: "Id like a kitty too!"
Baz: "Im like Godzilla! Squish squish squish RAWR!"Larch: "Thats my little minion!"
Orikes does spend quite a bit of time with her kids. Even grouchy little Basil loves his mommy.But now that the toddler skills are all learned, theres no point in them being wee anymore, so time to bust out the SimModder and grow them up!
"Im still cute!"Its like looking at Larch and Cypress if they had brown hair. Hes totally going to grow into those features.
"Im still Eeevil!"But cute too. Cute and Eeevil, just like his daddy.Time to move on to Styx and Wren!
Styx: "Hiiiiii! Hi hi hi! Hola! Thats hi in Spanish!"Wren: "...I love you, but you have too many nice points."
"So, I love you, and you have lots of friends to introduce me to for the Aspiration boosts, and you dont seem to mind methrowing lots of parties, and youre cute and Im into the baby thing. Were totally having a great party, and its all becausewere getting married!"
"I love you and your Stabby Death Nose, and you can make friends with as many SimSelves as you like, as long as you dontroll up any cheaty-Wants, and also as long as we have some gorgeous babies. ...We are going to have gorgeous babies,right?""Depends on your feelings about Stabby Death Nose.""Gorgeous babies!"
Obligatory wedding kiss shot! They are officially Mr. and Mrs. Stabby Death Nose!No, I didnt really do that.
Gin turns out to be our formal-wear shunner this time around, and Gypsy Matchmaker is our party crasher.Larch: "It seems like practically yesterday that we were doing this, honey."Orikes: "It was practically yesterday."Larch: "Pretty, and smart too."Orikes: "Flattery will get you everywhere."Kaiyah: "Im totally next!"
Gilbert: "Such a lovely ceremony."Cass: "Uh... Do you think you and I should... You know..."Gilbert: "Jump under one of those arches ourselves? Heheheno. Romance Sim, remember?"Cass: "Yeah, me either. You wanna go raise the party score?"Gilbert: "Yes. Yes I do."
Wrens a cake-shover! It must be random, because Larch didnt do it, and the only thing Wren is more of than Larch is nice.Styx doesnt seem to mind."If only it were CHEESEcake!"
Gilbert: "Cassidy, you are hot!"Larch: "Spider Jerusalems not here, Gilbert. He cant see you not heart-farting anyone else."Gilbert: "And Im not heart-farting anyone else, because that would be wrong and hurtful and I would never ever do that!"Cassidy: "Its not like I mind being heart-farted by my boyfriend, honestly."Gilbert: "You wanna go raise the party score?"Cassidy: "Yeah, okay."
Styx: "Roof Raiser! Race you to the limo, Wren!"
Wren: "I threw a Roof Raiser! Ive just had a day full of Aspiration points! Time for a honeymoon!"
"Babies! Soon!"Wren has a tendency to follow her around and flirt with her. Its kind of cute.
Wren: "So what do you think we should do in the nursery?"Styx: "Dont talk to me while Im snarfing down cheesecake!"Wren: "Okay then."
Styx: "Yoohoo? Babies now!"Wren: "Yessss!"Yup, Wren actually rolled the Have a Baby Want. Wren kind of rules.
Styx: "Baby!"Wren: "How long until we can be best friends?"Baby the first is a black-haired boy with Styxs custom eyes and skintone. Ill be using the name theme for Gen 5 of theDualegacy--when I get there. Of course, Wrens kids wouldnt be under that restriction, but, whatever! This little Wren/Styxspawn is Jordan.
Baby the second is a brown-haired boy with Styxs custom eyes and skin. His name is Cameroon.Again, babies are boring, plus theres only one way to tell if the spawn have inherited Wrens most lethal feature, so itsgrowing-up time!
He definitely looks more like Styx than like Wren. Hes got her mouth and chin as well as her eyes and skin. But Im not usedto the skin, and I cant tell if thats the custom-skin version of Stabby Death Nose!Cams a Pisces 5/3/10/7/9. Great; he and Styx can have conversations and smile creepily at each other. I try to get Wren togrow Jordan up, but he decided hed rather pee instead, so I got Styx to do the honors.
It looks like Jordans got Wrens mouth, and the same nose as Cam. But I still cant tell if its Stabby Death Nose with Styxsskin, or the male version of Styxs nose!Jordans an Aries 5/8/5/3/5--pretty similar in personality to my Founders and his great-grandma Juniper. Finger-guns, but nocreepy smiles.
Jordan--it looks like Stabby Death Nose, but I dont know what the male version of Styxs nose looks like! Argh!Eh, anyway, time to get to the wedding youve all been waiting for. Or, at least, the wedding that Kaiyahs been waiting for.
This completely pointless slide brought to you by the lullabye.We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.Oh yes, and I havent introduced him yet. Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, the bachelor, Reaper son of Cypress Vetinari, villain ofthe Dualegacy. Er, Cypress is the villain, that is. Not Spider Jerusalem.
Spider: "This is the same suit Uncle Larch has. Awkward!"Kaiyah: "I get the tiara, because I won! That is me! I am the winner! And I get the tiara!"
Kaiyah: "When I was put in that house, I knew it was destiny! We would one day be together! Just you and me and my rustyfork!"Spider: "Uh... That guy you wanted to stick with a rusty fork? Hes kinda dead and I kinda kicked his tombstone."Kaiyah: "You see? We were meant to be!"
"Well, youre a hot Knowledge Sim and Im a hot Knowledge Sim, and Im mean and you have a rusty fork obsession, so Imabsolutely in love with you and want you to have my childrinions."
"Im cool and youre hot, and were perfect together, and now that were married, we can do that three-bolty stalking thing, andif anyone tries to stop us, its BAM rusty fork! Oh, and I love you too."
Everybody managed to make it into formal wear this time around, except for Baz and Reed.Some people had to be excluded from the ceremony for reasons of slapping, so, sorry, Kendra, De, and Styx. This will be awedding free of physical violence!
Stacilee, Gin, and Orikes: "Gilberts a Romance Sim!"Cassidy: "And hes MY Romance Sim, so hands off!"
Spider Jerusalems a cake-shover! Big surprise there.
Oh yeah, party-crasher Mortys REALLY missing Bella.Orikes: "Eeeww. Creepy old man heart-fart."Di: "This is most disturbing."Cory: "Tell me about it--Im the one crushing on Stacilee, and this old goats gotta go and ruin the fantasy!"
Gilbert: "Wheres Spider Jerusalem? Look! Im heart-farting Cassidy! Hes right there, and Im heart-farting him! See him? Seeme heart-fart him? I love my boyfriend!"Cassidy: "So... Party score?"Gilbert: "Like Im gonna say no at this wedding!"
Its another Roof-Raiser, and Spider Jerusalem and Kaiyah head off to their limo.
Kaiyah somehow manages to get the maternity clothes that match her headband. Freaky coincidence!Spider: "Hello potentially mean fetuses!"Kaiyah: "Yeah, thats weird. Dont say that again."Spider: "Okeydoke."
Kaiyah: "Youre hoping for some childrinions, arent you?"Spider: "Just think of it--an army of mean Sims wielding rusty forks..."Kaiyah: "The perfect world..."They then proceeded to congratulate on each other for being hot for the next hour and tell each other dirty jokes.
"Spider Jerusalem, get your well-formed butt over here now!"
"But I have meat-hands! I cant touch a baby with meat-hands!"
Spider: "All right, all right, drop the baby into my germy, disgusting mitts."Kaiyah: "Gimme a second over here!"
Alpha baby is a boy with Kaiyahs skintone and Spider Jerusalems eyes and hair.
Beta baby is a girl with the same coloring as her brother.And again, immediate baby growing up-ness.
This is Mitch, named after Spider Jerusalems editor in Transmetropolitan.Mitch is... different... Sorta like his features are too big for his head.Hes a Gemini, and a Vetinari! 5/9/9/5/1.Spider Jerusalem throws childrinions!
This is Channon, named after Spider Jerusalems bodyguard in Transmet.Now, Channon looks like a little doll, and not just because of the puppet-skin. Shes quite pretty.And also a Vetinari! Gemini 5/9/10/10/1. Mean, but playful! A lethal combination.Since we have two Knowledge Sims in the house, its toddler training, no waiting!
Spider: "I appear to have reached a stalemate."Kaiyah: "Me too."Spider: "Theyre stubborn when theyre mean."Kaiyah: "Imagine how poor Cassidy must have felt!"Spider: "You know, sometimes you dont make any sense at all. But I still love you!"
They do simul-walking too.Afterwards, Spider Jerusalem went to pee because he didnt want to do any potty-training and Kaiyah wanted to potty-trainthem both. So while Kaiyah was potty-training Mitch, Chan wandered outside, which doesnt happen in Riverblossombecause all my houses are built on foundations...
Come on, how freaking adorable is this? Chans trying to catch fireflies! SO ADORABLE! If you dont think this is adorable,you need to have an adorability transplant, stat.Sadly, the adorableness is short-lived as Kaiyah potty-trains Chan and I grow up the toddlers.
Mitch is... yeah... Too much face, not enough head.
Channon still looks like a little doll! I think her features are similar to Mitchs, but theyre softer because shes a girl.
One shot of kiddie-hugging before I grow them up one more time! Because, really, dont youwant to know?Looks like Mitch has Kaiyahs nose and Chan has Spider Jerusalems.
Baz: "Lets get one thing straight--Im hugging you. You try to hug me, were gonna have a problem."Reed: "You wanna come cheat me at chess now?"Baz: "Yeah, all right."I grow them up instead.
Reed definitely has the Vetinari features. And the nose! I love the Vetinari nose. Of course, the alternative seems to beStabby Death Nose, so really, no wonder there.
Baz has the Vetinari nose and jaw too, but not the cheeks or cheekbones.Baz: "So, Dad, wanna start teaching me some of that Eeevil?"Larch: "Youre my favoritest minion ever."Baz: "Yeah, because Im not all obsessed with hearts of any color."Larch: "Hey, they did all right. You talk smack about my other childrinions, and theres gonna be trouble!"Baz: " Kay. Can I grow a goatee?"Larch: "You can try, son. You can try."
"So, yeah, thats it for the Spider Jerusalem BC. Hope you enjoyed it!"Given the glitchiness of my backup, the safest thing to do is probably nuke Riverblossom Hills and start from scratch. So,blah. And, what with the moving close to 3000 miles shortly, it might be a while before I update. But dont worry, Im notthrowing in the towel! There will be more non-hypothetical Vetinari goodness in the future. Just, you know, more distant thanany of us would really like."It is what it is, right? Catch ya on the flip side!"
Tummy rubs? Kitty is deprived! Kitty needs tummy rubs!