Spider Jerusalem's Completely Hypothetical Bachelor Challenge, Day 6
Welcome to Day 6 of the Utterly Fictitious Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!Its down to two SimSelves in the house with the grouchy spare-spawn, and by the end of the day, a winner will be crowned!Who will it be? Click on to see!
These are the last two SimSelves in the house:Kaiyah (Kaiyah/Kaiyah2; Legacy Shmegacy), is the current leader, with a score of 176. She and Spider Jerusalem are bestfriends, they have three bolts, and hes in love with her.Kendra (riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271; the Punk Legacy), led the scoring for the first two days, and has been second to Kaiyah eversince. Shes got a score of 162, she and Spider Jerusalem are best friends and crushing on each other, and they have twobolts. However, shes more outgoing than Kaiyah, and could pull off an upset victory.
The object of their attention: Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, son of Gen 2 Uglacy spare Cypress and the Grim Reaper, hesisolated and introverted in Riverblossom Hills, but his own grumpy outgoing self in Pleasantview.If you want more Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy on DrSupremeNerds SimPage or the Boolprop.comforums.But before we get to the meat of the challenge, weve got some business to attend to first.
Wren: "So I know we just met yesterday, but will you marry me?"Styx: "Its like you saw right into my Want Panel!"Wren: "Can we throw a Wedding Party?"Styx: "Can we have a baby?"Styx: StyxLady/lorddaeos, writer of Just Another Legacy, most recent eliminee.Wren: Wren Vetinari, Gen 4 Prettacy spare. This is Popularity Sim-Wren, incidentally, not Romance Sim-Wren. There will beno cheaty-Wants for him, and also no "Had A Baby" Aspiration Failures.
Styx: "I see that Want in your panel, mister."Wren: "Throw a Wedding Party?"Styx: "No."Wren: "Get Married to Styx?"Styx: "No."Wren: "Gain A Skill Point?"Styx: "No."Wren: "Ah. That OTHER Want."Styx: "Thats the one."Wren: "Bedroom?"Styx: "Just let me barf first."Yes, Styx is currently pregnant. Because I havent had enough of Stabby Death Nose yet.
De (fireflower314/fireflowersims.livejournal.com; the Morgan and Pierce Legacies) was ousted from the challenge on Day 4after a stunning comeback from nearly being eliminated on Day 1.She may not have ended up with Spider Jerusalem, but she did get to splat Mr. Big Jerk with a satellite and turn him into azombie.
Gin (GintasticNecat; The Science of a Legacy), the Day 3 eliminee, got her own special consolation prize as well...
Thats Cypress Vetinari, villain of the Vetinari Dualegacy, in a little pen filled with flame jets in Gins backyard.
Michelle (MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs; the Planetary Apocalypse), eliminated on Day 2, got to beat the stuffing out of JerkyJake.
Orikes (Orikes/orikes360; the Pseudo Legacy), the first SimSelf booted from the Bachelor Challenge house, is engaged toand pregnant by Larch Vetinari, hot and Eeevil Gen 2 Uglacy heir.Family Sim Larch is eagerly awaiting his wedding and childrinions.
SimNerd: "Gil? I know the booty is fierce, but if skulls were firmly attached to necks, you wouldnt be able turn your head ornod. And Spider Jerusalems right behind that door. Just something to keep in mind."Gilbert: "Sorry. Force of habit."SimNerd: SimSelf of yours truly, DrSupremeNerd, writer of the Vetinari Dualegacy.Gilbert: Gilbert Jacquet, gay baker.
Cassidy: "So, Gil, you practically live here anyway, what say we make it official?"Gilbert: "Are you asking me to move in with you?"Cassidy: "Thats sort of the idea."Cassidy: Cassidy Vetinari, half-alien son of Cypress Vetinari, half-brother of Spider Jerusalem.
"Hmmm... Let me think... Boyfriend and snarky SimSelves or little-old-lady smell and calico wallpaper... Decisions,decisions..."
Gilbert: "Come to think of it, its not really that tough a decision."Cassidy: "Ill miss you, then."Gilbert: "I wasnt planning on going anywhere."Cassidy: "I know. I just wanted to hear you say it."Gilbert: "I have a Want involving a hot tub."Cassidy: "What a coincidence. Me too."
SimNerd: "So... Last day! Hot tubbing! Make Out! And Im going for a Slow Dance and the associated interactions rather thanthree Flirts. But this is it!"Stacilee: "I can hardly wait!"Di: "Oh yes, were filled to the brim with anticipation!"Stacilee: "I mean, Kendras totally going to pull off an upset victory!"Di: "I believe you meant to say that Kaiyahs going to continue her run to the top."Stacilee: stacilee/stacierearden; the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.Di: Dicreasy; the Victorian Legacy.
Stacilee: "What?! Kaiyahs totally going down in a blaze of karma! Shes the whole reason Styx didnt get her fair shot; theresno way she gets to win!"Di: "You cant blame Kaiyah for that! It was Spider Jerusalems actions that caused Styx to be eliminated. Besides, Kaiyahhas the edge in chemistry; Kendra cant compete with that."Stacilee: "Styx, Gin, and Michelle had three bolts, and look where it got them! Kendra has the ability to pull out a victory."Di: "I wouldnt suggest placing a large wager on that."
Larch: "Ladies, please! No fighting! Unless youre going to put on something small and lacy, in which case, feel free."Cassidy: "If it werent for the nose, Id find it hard to believe that were related."Larch: "Well, we both like hanging out in our jammies."Cassidy: "That too."Larch: Larch Vetinari, Eeevil Gen 2 Uglacy heir. Cassidys uncle.
"You know what? I do not see this conversation going anywhere but Banned4Lyfe. So Im all for heading over to the BachelorChallenge. Hey, thats what youre all here to see anyway, right?"
Theyre in the mood for poker.Kaiyah: "Hey, how am I losing?"Kendra: "Clearly you have no ability to bluff."Kaiyah: "I dont need to bluff--I tend to have good cards."Kendra: "But if you can bluff, you can win with the crappy cards you were dealt."Spider: "Wooo. Subtext-y."
Kaiyah: "Yeah, Id say Im holding a pair of aces."Kendra: "I dont need to hold any aces."Spider: "We stopped talking about cards a long time ago, didnt we?"Kendra: "Yup."
Kaiyah: So... not a pair of aces, then.Kendra: Three-bolt chemistry? I laugh at your three-bolt chemistry!Spider: Oooh, hey, full house!
Spider: "I win!"Kaiyah: "Im out."Kendra: "Get used to the feeling."Time for some hot-tubbing!
Kendra: "So were doing this in the dark again, I see."Kaiyah: "Splashies!"
Spider: "Splashies right back atcha!"Kendra: "Hey! Im naked over here!"
"Do you think the sexy lamp conversation is played out yet?"
"Not as long as there are still sexy lamps to be had!"
Kaiyah: "More splashies!"Kendra: "Would you give the splashies a rest?"
"So have you heard about the Edible Body Paint in the lady-shaped bottles?"
"I hadnt! Tell me more..."No NO NO! Banned4Lyfe!
"Does the winner of this whole shebang get some jewelry? A big shiny ring of shiny bigness would be good, but Id settle forsome Mikimoto pearls..."
"Meh. Who wants to hang the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc around their neck?"
"Kissing! We did some yesterday, and it was AWESOME!"
"Wasnt it? Even Styx got some, although, not with Spider Jerusalem!"
"Todays the Making Out! I can hardly contain myself!"
"Right? Its like kissing, only more so! With groping!"
"We get some kissing with the Slow Dance too! Its like a bonus smooch!"
"I think Im gonna be a fan of Making Out too, especially if groping is involved!"
"Im pretty sure the butt-grab will be doled out by us in the Make Out. Im sort of okay with that, though."
"You know what no ones talked about yet? SPATULAS!"
"You know, youre right! How can we have gotten this far into the challenge and not mentioned spatulas? You know whattheyre good for?"
"WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT MY FRIED EGGS!"It was at this juncture that I realized that it was raining, and did not want to risk fulfilling Spider Jerusalems Want to get struckby lightning.I never quite understood that Want. Im a Knowledge Sim-type myself, and have never mused, "You know what would be fun?ELECTROCUTION. That would be the AWESOMEST THING EVER."Anyway. Time to move the party inside, away from the large water-filled tub and the sparky bolts of lightning.Nobody got electrocuted, but we did have four tree fires before the end of the storm.Time to kick off the one-on-one stuff--one Slow Dance with all associated interactions (Head on Shoulder, Lower Hands,Smooch), and one Make Out.
I mean to start off with a Slow Dance, but Kaiyah has other ideas.Spider: "This is almost as much fun as when I get to do the groping!"Kaiyah: "I just couldnt help myself!"
And its the Grope that gets Kaiyah in love with Spider Jerusalem.I will refrain from further comments on that particular subject.Now I will attempt the actual Slow Dance.
Kaiyah and Spider Jerusalem didnt Dance Close immediately, but they did do it autonomously.
Kaiyah: "Head on Shoulders now, Grope next..."
Spider: "Im a fan of the booty."Kaiyah: "Likewise."
And the Smooch. I love how cute this interaction is.
Spider: "Make Out now?"Kaiyah: "It better be!"He looks so excited. Like a little puppy.
...and still more kissing.Were nearing noon, but were not quite there yet.
Time for a snack!Kendra: Almost noon! Still time to earn some relationship points!Spider: Mmmm... turkey...Kaiyah: "Whoooo! You do not want to go in there! I couldnt find any matches to light!"
Spider: "Isnt it great how were all friends? You guys were right--it is better than beating up Gilbert!"Kendra: "I guess well find out how friendly you are with the two of us in a minute!"Kaiyah: I am totally ending up with Spider Jerusalem.And then what had been a generally nice, clean competition, suddenly turned ugly...
Kaiyah: "Whooo-eeeeee! I have been holding that in all day!"Kendra: "Oh, NASTY! Im trying to eat here! And there arent even any rotten eggs at the buffet!"Spider: "What on earth was that noise?"
Kaiyah: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"Kendra: "I think Im gonna be sick."Spider: "Seriously, was that, like, a squeaky hinge or something? That was one crazy sound."Kaiyah: "Give it a minute..."
Kendra: "Still think it was a squeaky briefcase hinge?"Spider: "Dear sweet lord, its making my sinuses burn!"Kaiyah: "Ah, the gift that keeps on giving..."Spider: "I really needed to be upwind of that."Yes, thats really how that happened--Kaiyah laid a big ole air-muffin right on Kendra, laughed at her, and then SpiderJerusalem made Stinky-face.I am not ashamed to admit that that made me laugh until I had tears running down my face.But now its noon, and who will triumph?
Will it be Kaiyah, with her three bolts of Knowledge Sim chemistry?
Or will it be Kendra, with her ten outgoing points?No tie score here--theres a clear winner, with a score of 200 to 187.And that winner is...
Spider: "Hey, Kaiyah--you win! Me, apparently!"Kendra: "Bloo skavani! Ill just see myself out, shall I?"Kaiyah: "How can I miss you if you dont go away?"
Spider: "Congratulations on winning!"Kaiyah: "Are you also going to congratulate me on my hotness?"Spider: "Three times!"
Kaiyah: "Call me!"Spider: "Uh... Youre staying. I dont need to call you."Kaiyah: "Whatever."
I expected them to go right for the booze when I put out the champagne, but they kept congratulating each other on theirrespective hotness and telling dirty jokes. This has got to be the only Bachelor Challenge where the contestants didnt flock tothe bar at every available opportunity.I finally forced Spider Jerusalem to make a toast. And to do a few other things besides...
Spider: "So, hey, weve known each other most of a week--thats practically forever! Marry me?"Kaiyah: "That rings even more beautiful than a rusty fork!"
Dont forget, Kaiyah--you dont get to keep him, so enjoy it while it lasts!
Spider: "Shoo flee? Im tired, dammit!"Kaiyah: "I got Aspiration points for the engagement. I rock!"
Spider: snerkKaiyah: "Shoo flee? Im tired too!"
Well, you know what they say about couples who go "Shoo flee?" and whine about Motive Desperation together.Huh. I guess they dont say anything about that, actually. But I will send them to bed. Just not for, you know, sleeping. Yet.
Spider: "Are you rolling a Want for this?"Kaiyah: "No, but were soooo gonna do it anyway."
Spider: "I can has sleep?"Kaiyah: "No, dammit! RealMe is going to enjoy the victory!"
Kaiyah: "Yeah, those are purple hearts. Read em and weep!"Spider: ...zzzzzzz...But now to deal with Kendra...
"Man, I almost did it, didnt I? If Id made it into the hot tub one of those other days, or if youd left it summer a day longer, Idhave been right up there! But at least I got to get some groping in, and a bunch of kissing! And plenty of naked hot-tubbing toboot!"
"We have a hot tub upstairs if youre interested..."
Cass: "Just ignore him. Its easiest."Stacilee: "I was pulling for you, really. Everyone loves an underdog victory!"Cass: "Hey, Im just happy if Spider Jerusalems happy."
"Oh well. I still have a consolation prize to go home to, right?"
Di: "Will there be violence? Its quite unseemly."SimNerd: "Hehehe. Who needs seemly? Off you go, Kendra!"
Kendra: "You know, maybe Kaiyah had something to that rusty fork..."Big: "I can has grilled cheese nao?"Kendra: "A really big rusty fork."No rusty forks, but I did get the next best thing...
"This is not grilled cheese!"Shut up and RUN, fidiot.
"Hmm. I dont seem to have a pulse."Wait, did I have a pulse before? Do zombies have pulses? I dont remember. Either way, I dont have one now, which wouldseem to be problematic."
Kendra: "Took you long enough, Grimmy."Reaper: "Are you gonna plead or what?"Kendra: "Wasnt planning on it. I almost hooked up with your son. That was pretty awesome."Reaper: "Sorry, thats the Riverblossom Hills Reaper. Different guy. Ill pass it along, though."Kendra: "Cool."
"Oh no, Mr. Big Jerks dead. Time to drown my sorrows..."So its, what, one part juice to two parts other juice to one part actual juice, into the shaker..."
"So, hey, Grimmy, I was thinking, whatd be a great torture for a guy that had no nice points even before he was a zombie?Reverse-rezzing! So I give you a couple grand, you give me a Reverse-rezzed Grilled Cheese Zombie Big Jerk! Cool? Cool!"
Big: "I want grilled cheese! And a hug."Kendra: "Good luck with that. Im not about to dole out either, you ass."
Stacilee: "So, what? Thats it?"Di: "It was very amusing, I must admit."SimNerd: "Come on--of course thats not it! You think Id just set the contestants up with some party favors? No way am I nothooking up the rest of us!"Di: "I cant say the notion displeases me."SimNerd: "So, Larch, put on some clothes and lets all head outside for a little fun."
Larch: "Do I need a shirt to get married?"Cass: "Ive sort of got everything I want."Gilbert: "Yeah, me too."
Oh, have I ever been waiting for this...Is that piece of cardboard tasty, jerkhole? Is it? IS IT NUMMY, JAKE?No?GOOD.
"Ugh! That guy gnawing on the cardboard is all icky!"
Cass: "Aaawwww, you dont suck! You let me jump on the couch and hang around in my jammies and you hooked me up withGilbert! This is, like, the best week ever!"SimNerd: "It really makes me feel like crap when you say stuff like that."Cass: "Im sorry."SimNerd: "Dont apologize. I wish you could be happy back home."Cass: "Hey--I trust you to get me a happy ending."SimNerd: "I promise."
Larch: "I love this part..."Big: "The grilled cheese or the hugs?"Larch: "The what now?"
Di: "Isnt this usually the juncture where someone says, This ones for Cassidy!?"Stacilee: "This is Larch were talking about. Hes doing this because he likes to beat the stuffing out of people--he doesntneed a reason!"
Everybody but Gilbert: "WOOOOO LARCH!"Gilbert: "That guy in the smoking jacket is smelly."
"Hey, is this a private party or can anyone join?"
"Well, I dont get to do this to any SimSelves even if they slap me, so Ive got some pent-uprage."
Everybody but Larch: "WOOOOO SPIDER JERUSALEM!"Larch: "Can I have another go at Stinky?"
Spider: "Yessss!"Gilbert: "Can you throw the smelly man to the other side next time?"SimNerd: "He is foul!"
SimNerd: "Well, Di, I know you wanted to throw Biggie into a scorpion pit, but I couldnt find one."Di: "That is a shame. A million stings and a slow agonizing death by poison would be most fitting."SimNerd: "I made us a sandpit instead."Di: "A sandpit? Hardly seems fitting."SimNerd: "Heh. Its not just a sandpit..."
Spider: "This is great! We need more feeding of smelly zombies to quicksandpits!"Larch: "Can I have one of these for my own personal use?"Yes, they really did cheer the death of Reverse-Rezzed Grilled Cheese Zombie Mr. Big.I *heart* my meanies.
Larch: "Really, Stacilee? Really?"Stacilee: "Hes sort of like Adrien Brody. Like, individually, everything says No but all together, it kinda works. Hes got atotally unique hotness."Larch: "Really?"
"...Grandpa...?"Cormorant "Cory" Vetinari, Gen 4 Uglacy heir. Larchs grandson. Slightly less Eeevil.
Stacilee: "Yeah, youre just like Adrien Brody!"Cory: "Ive never been told that before, but Im all for it!"
Di: "Youre not actually going to..."SimNerd: "Stacilee and Cory? Nah. Id rather have Corys spawn be a surprise when I finally get back to that point. But shedoes think hes got an Adrien Brody hotness."
Stacilee: "So next time we get to see some weddings and some babies, right?"Di: "Kaiyah will break out her rusty fork if she doesnt get some children with Spider Jerusalem."SimNerd: "Yup--weddings, babies, and crazy SimSelf bash!"Stacilee: "A crazy SimSelf bash involving embarrassingly short dresses and Smustle faces?"SimNerd: "There may be some wardrobe changes involved."
Di: "I get a new bonnet?"SimNerd: "Think a little less bonnet and a little more go-go boots. "Di: "...I get a new bonnet?"SimNerd: "Time to pull you into the twentieth century, Di!"Stacilee: "Isnt this the twenty-first century?"SimNerd: "One step at a time, Stacilee. One step at a time."Thats right--next time, SimSelf madness, three weddings, and some childrinions!
This completely pointless slide brought to you by the absolutely adorable cuddling/spooning thing they do.We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide....Yeah, its not Spider Jerusalem without a shirt on. Deal.