conflict is a major reason for workplace conflict

1. Conflict Resolution:
When Crucial Conversations Matter
By Stephanie Demiris, MA
Member Relations & Services Specialist, AACN

2. Objectives:
• Gain a mutual understanding of the definition of
conflict resolution.
• Gain a mutual understanding of what crucial
conversations are and when we need to have them?
• Identify our individual styles under stress.
• Gain a mutual understanding of the key components of
conflict resolution.
• Explore the art of contrasting.
• Role playing group activity
• Bring it all together.

3. Conflict Resolution Defined:
What is conflict resolution?
Conflict resolution is a process of working through opposing views in
order to reach a common goal or mutual purpose.
Historical context of conflict resolution:
• Evolved in 1950s and 1960s at the height of the Cold War when
the development of nuclear weapons and conflict between
superpowers was threatening human survival.
• Small group of scholars from different disciplines came
together to study conflict as a general phenomenon (e.g.,
international relations, domestic politics, industrial relations,
communities, families and between individuals).
• Conflict resolution as we know it in the business world came
about in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

4. Crucial Conversations:
A discussion between two or more people where:
• The stakes are high
• Opinions vary
• Emotions run strong
We typically handle these conversations by:
• Avoiding them
• Facing them and handling them poorly
• Facing them and handling them well

5. Two Responses to Crucial
Conversations:
Fight  or  Flight
or
Silence  to  Violence

6. If we go to silence:
• We avoid – we steer clear of sensitive subjects;
quickly change the subject
• Don’t say anything – we withdraw or leave
• Blame the group, hoping the message will hit the
right target
• Looks of disgust
• Sarcasm – we mask our true feelings; we sugarcoat
We go to silence when we feel unsafe

7. If we go to violence:
• We verbally attack – we are threatening or belittling
• Act like we know everything
• We discredit others
• Use the power of the boss to force our way
• Control – we force our views by cutting others off,
speaking in absolutes, changing subjects and in turn
not giving others a chance to share their view
• Subtly manipulate
• We label or stereotype
We go to violence when we feel unsafe

8. Why should we have crucial
conversations?
• It will improve our health
• It will improve our relationships
• It will enhance our job performance and success
• It will make a difference

9. How do we have crucial
conversations?
DIALOGUE

10. What’s your style under stress?
• Let’s find out by spending some time answering the
questions.
• When you complete the questions, refer to the
scoring sheet to find out what your score means.
-We are always in control to change our
behavior-

11. Key Components of Conflict
Resolution:
There are 4 key components to conflict resolution:
• Controlling emotional responses
• Seeking understanding
• Identifying needs and common interests
• Seeking mutual benefit or purpose

12. Control Emotional Responses:
• Start with yourself first – the only person you can control
• Reflect – what story are you telling yourself about the
situation? Is it either/or thinking (look for the “and”)?
• recognize how you are positioned (your personal bias’;
your beliefs, attitudes, values, etc.).
• Clarify what you don’t want
• Ask yourself what your motives are. Do others trust
your motives?
• Ask yourself what you really want out of this. Do others
believe I care about their goals in the conversation?
-Step Out. Make It Safe. Step Back In.-

13. Seek Understanding:
• Master your story
• Notice your behavior – are you moving to silence or
violence?
• Get in touch with your feelings
• Refocus on facts – hold your view as a hypothesis (we
are aware of our own intentions, but we are rarely aware
of other person’s intentions)
• Ask for their story
• Make it safe – help make others feel safe to share their
story
• Carefully listen – acknowledge feelings
• Be willing to change your story as they add to the pool
of shared meaning
• Keep in mind . . . .
• Storytelling is automatic and happens quickly
• A set of facts can be used to tell a number of stories
• Once a story is told, it controls us

14. Understand Impact and Intentions:
Event
Our past
stories,
experiences
and life
history
Our values
and
identities
We react to
the feelings
from these
thoughts
We judge
and
interpret
other’s
intent
We
interpret
the impact
on us
We
Interpret
what we
see/hear

15. Identify Needs and Common
Interests:
• Listen and hear clearly what others need
• Look for mutuality
• Use contrasting statements to state clearly what
your needs are

16. Why Contrasting Statements?
• Contrasting statements are Do/Don’t statements
that:
• Address others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or
that you had a malicious purpose (e.g., I don’t want . . . .)
• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (e.g.,
I do want . . . .)
• Contrasting is important because:
• It deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety
at risk
• It provides context and proportion
• Can be used as prevention or first aid
• Group Contrasting Role Playing Exercise
• Break up into 3 groups and spend some time going over
the contrasting activity

17. Seeking Mutual Benefit or Purpose:
• Commit to seek mutual purpose by truly caring about the
interests of others
• Work towards mutual respect – do others believe I respect
them?
• Brainstorm new strategies together – invite opposing
viewpoints and play devil’s advocate
• Agree where you can
• If others leave something out, then agree where you can and
build from there
• If you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong,
rather, compare your views.

18. Points to Consider:
Ask yourself the following questions:
• How did we each contribute to the current
situation?
• How can we change it? What can we do about it as
we move forward?
Don’t let the conflict control you.
The conflict is not who we are.

19. Conclusion:
Six things to keep in mind
when in a crucial conversation
• Start with yourself – reflect
• Share your facts
• Tell your story
• Ask for their story (and be open to hearing it!)
• Encourage dialogue by enacting mutual purpose
• Talk, Talk, Talk

20. References Cited:
American Association of Critical-Care Nurses. 2002. It’s All
About You: A Blueprint for Influencing Practice. Aliso Viejo,
Calif: American Association of Critical-Care Nurses Publication.
Patterson, K., et.al. 2002. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking
When Stakes are High. New York: McGraw-Hill.
http://www.crucialconversations.com