Yaro group training playing with fire

Playing with Fire
Making Difficult Conversations Easy

March 24th, 2012

Alexander Yaroslavsky, MILR, NCM

What is conflict?

How would you explain the notion of
conflict to a Martian?

© 2012 Yaro Group, LLC -2- August 9, 2012

Conflict: good or bad?
Conflict is like the weather…
• It’s a fact of life – there is no way to avoid it;
• If you are prepared, you can adjust for it.


Coaching Concepts

Your Bubble

The Bubble Conflict Model

• Each of us has a bubble of control/influence
• When our bubbles collide, we experience the
resulting friction as conflict


The Bubble Conflict Model
Open Defended
Describe your bubble in an
open vs. defended state Size

How are the bubbles different?
Shape

Volume

Material

Accessories

…


Coaching Concepts

Brain Science

Brain Structures

Neo-cortex
(human)

Limbic System Hindbrain
(mamalian) (raptilian)


Labels & Perception

What is this?


Labels

Source: HSBC

© 2012 Yaro Group, LLC - 10 - August 9, 2012

Know/Don’t Know Matrix


How many “F”s?

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF
SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF
YEARS.


Using our Brain

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html


Conflict Brain Traps
• Labels
– The thinking part of our brain is wired to categorize
information.
– Over-relying on thinking can result in unhelpful
judgment

• Triggers
– The feeling part of your brain is wired to react to signs
of danger.
– Over-relying on feeling can result in becoming
overwhelmed and ineffective

Activity: Labels

Think of a recent conflict.
On the left side of a blank On the right side of the
page write down all the page, write down all your
labels that come up. experiential reflections.


Our brain during conflict

The Amygdala

Source: http://www.sruweb.com/~walsh/limbic_system.jpg Source: http://www.gettingunstuck.com/Abnormal/pdf/Amygdala1.jpg


How old is our brain?


What does this mean?

• We communicated with each other long before we were
able to speak

• Our ability to receive nonverbal messages is hard-wired

• Nonverbal signals add a rich and necessary dimension to
our communication repertoire

• Reading nonverbal clues is a vital part of understanding
the overall message


Coaching Concepts

Types of Conflicts

How do we perceive conflict?

Rule-based Who is right?
Rational

Interest-based What do you want?
Conceptual

Language What do you mean?
Tribal What is your story?
Emotional

Relationship Are you with me?
Primal Are you a threat?


Six Dimensions of Conflict
Dimension Characteristic Example Challenge Resolution
Emotions not considerated

Rule-based Conflict resolved with Legal system, sports Does not consider Third party issues a
a 3rd party making a emotional dimension decision, move on
decision
Rational

Interest-based Conflict resolved by Buying a car, Assumes the other Negotiated
direct settlement person has rational agreement
negotiation/bargaining conference interests
Internal organization of

Language Perception of the Duck or rabbit? Remaining open to the Understanding the
world around you other person's underlying meaning
information
Conceptual

perspective

Tribal Perceptions of yourself Political, religious, Diffucult to separate the Honoring the other
in the world business affiliation person from the tribe tribe

Relationship Connection to another Family, friends, Changing values, Trust, clarity,
Driven by the
brain's limbic
Emotional

person coworkers incorrect assumptions shared meaning
system

Primal Basic survival instinct, Dominance, Finding a socially Awareness
usually short-lived competition, courting acceptable process


Coaching Concepts

Reacting to Conflict

Concern for Self Conflict Styles

Cooperate
Compete

Compromise

Avoid Accommodate

Concern for Other
Based on Kilmann & Thomas, 1975


The Drama Triangle

Stephen Karpman, 1968


Emotional Arc

Higher volatility,
shorter conflict span
Emotional Intensity

Lower volatility,
longer conflict span

Time


Triggers - Cooling Off

Air

Water

Time

Labels vs. Experiences
• Labels • Experiences
– Examples – Examples
• It is … • I am …
• You are … • I feel …
• S/he is ….

– Based in the left brain – Based in the right brain
– Help us survive – Help us connect
– Appear as judgments – Appear as reflections
– Subject to debate – Strictly personal

– Special Case: “It is …, to – “I feel it is …” does not
me.” count.


Emotional Language

Plutchik, 1980

Skills and Techniques

Listening

Four Ears of Listening


Five Levels of Listening


Active Listening Questions

Can you tell me more about …?

What do you mean by …?


Asking Effective Questions

 Open Can you tell me more about …?
What do you mean by …?

 Clarifying When did you first …?

 Reflective I understand that …, is that right?

 Leading Did you know about …?

 Closed Isn’t it true that …?


Resonance & Dissonance


Resonance & Dissonance

Check the ego.

Stay unattached to the information you are hearing.

There are no “rights” or “wrongs” - just information.

Just notice the impact the question or statement had
on the speaker.


The Essence of the Story
In order to resolve a conflict (or help Tips
a client resolve it) it is important to
• Use resonance and dissonance to
find the emotional epicenter of the
gauge your questions.
story.
• Remain detached from having to
get the “right” answer. You may
We know we’ve reached it when:
have several questions or ideas
• the other person takes the deep that do not land. That’s OK.
breath
• As long as you’re showing
• says “Yes, that’s it!” genuine interest, the other
person will appreciate it.
• becomes emotional


Activity: Mining for Essence
Answer This Question:

What is truly important to the speaker
in this situation?

If it isn’t resonating – then you didn’t find it
yet.



Speaking

Offering an Apology

• Acknowledge the Offer a specific
Restoration way to make
negative impact amends.

• Express your Explain your
intended
Intent
sincere regret positive
impact.

• Explain your Express what
you wish you
Regret
positive intent had done
differently.

• Offer a specific way Let the other
person know
that your
to make amends actions had a
negative
Acknowledge

impact.


Explain Your Perspective
The “I” Statement

I feel/felt … I felt angry

When … When I was interrupted

Because … Because I didn’t get a chance to talk

What I want is … What I want is to express my view



Nonverbal Communication

How we communicate

• Content is only 7% of our communication *

• 93% is non-verbal communication

Content
7%
* Dr. Albert Mehrabian

Tone & Vocal
Body Cues
Language 38%
55%

http://www.kaaj.com/psych/index.html


Nonverbal Communication

– Tone and intensity – Objects and artifacts
– Facial expressions – Space and distance
– Body movement – Time and pacing
– Gestures and touch – Smell

Everything but the transcript of the conversation


Conflict Leadership Keys

External
Effectiveness Are people willing to support your intentions?

Trust Do people have confidence in your intentions?

Are you able to accurately project your intentions?
Congruence
Internal
Are your “auto-pilot” responses
Clarity consistent with your intentions?

Awareness What are your “auto-pilot” responses?


Coaching Tips
• Accept and anticipate some conflict – it’s normal
and healthy … in small doses
– Learn from your conflicts

• Make “resolution conversations” a standard part of
your conversations
– Lead by example: model the behavior you want
– Ask for feedback: no-one is perfect
– Practice, practice, practice


Questions

Alex Yaroslavsky, MILR, NCM
Yaro Group, LLC
801 Amsterdam Avenue, 10B
New York, NY 10025

347-229-1690
alex@yarogroup.com


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