This document discusses how technology has impacted human sexuality and relationships. It notes that digital technologies have blurred boundaries between imagination and behavior, making infidelity harder to define. When issues like affairs or cybersex occur, both betrayed and betraying partners experience pain through emotions like guilt, shame, anger and grief. Rebuilding trust is challenging as no one can fully prove their faithfulness. The document explores power dynamics, self-discipline, and existential issues that arise for couples dealing with betrayal. It provides perspective on topics like disclosure, recovery, pornography, masturbation, cybersex and relationships with robots. Ultimately, it argues that technology will continue redefining human sexuality and intimacy, requiring thoughtful consideration of how values and relationships may evolve.
People Who Cause You Harm: How to Explain Dramatic and Erratic Personality Di...Jeni Mawter
This presentation identifies a massive gap in trauma-informed care for young people, the long-term harm of having a parent or family member with a personality disorder, specifically the Cluster “B” Personality Disorders.
Society is going through a radical shift in how it views, treats and manages Anxiety, Depression, Suicide Prevention, and Substance Abuse and Addiction. Rapid technological advances are seeing a cross fertilization between the traditional medical sciences of neurology and psychiatry. The traditional approach was that damage to the nervous system resulted in neurological disorders whereas psychiatric disorders involved disturbed behavior and emotional states. Today we know that neurological changes underpin psychiatric disorders as well as mental health and mental illness.
Another huge breakthrough in the neuropsychiatric research findings is the link to Mental Health and Trauma. Childhood Trauma initially focused on physical abuse in the Domestic Violence setting. Gradually, emotional abuse was taken into consideration to address risk and harm. Children and young people were considered at risk in light of such factors as homelessness, refugee and asylum seekers, juvenile justice settings and for those in indigenous communities. The issue of personality disorder and family relationships and breakdown has been ignored.
A personality disorder is a mental health disorder that affects how a person thinks, behaves and relates to others. The Cluster “B” parent has erratic and dramatic emotions and behaviors. Regulating emotions and maintaining healthy relationships is impossible. They are impulsive, low in empathy and low in conscience. They have a need to manipulate, control and disempower others. For family members, specifically their children, this culminates in significant distress and trauma. There is considerable harm to social, emotional, cognitive, spiritual and educational development.
Currently, there are almost no resources for children and young adults who have a Cluster “B” parent. The first step to healing is education to understand what, how and why this has happened to them. This SlideShare presentation aims to shed light on such questions as: What happened to me? Am I crazy? Are they the psycho or am I? Why do I feel so depressed/anxious/worthless? Most importantly, the goal is to help towards hope and healing, good mental health, resilience and peace.
Call to Action: Cluster “B” pathology is insidious, pernicious, deliberate and dangerous. These parents have tremendous destructive potential. Harm is hidden behind charm. They impact homes, families, workplaces, relationships and societies. Education is critical for every person in every system caught in the aftermath of dealing with their destruction: mental health, general health, family law, police departments, criminal justice, domestic violence and social service. Thank you.
Utilizing Bill Madsen\'s Collaborative Map and therapeutic stances towards clients and Alan Jenkins invitational inquiry, this manual guides the reader on how to respectfully invite clients to be responsible for their abusive actions in intimate relationships.
People Who Cause You Harm: How to Explain Dramatic and Erratic Personality Di...Jeni Mawter
This presentation identifies a massive gap in trauma-informed care for young people, the long-term harm of having a parent or family member with a personality disorder, specifically the Cluster “B” Personality Disorders.
Society is going through a radical shift in how it views, treats and manages Anxiety, Depression, Suicide Prevention, and Substance Abuse and Addiction. Rapid technological advances are seeing a cross fertilization between the traditional medical sciences of neurology and psychiatry. The traditional approach was that damage to the nervous system resulted in neurological disorders whereas psychiatric disorders involved disturbed behavior and emotional states. Today we know that neurological changes underpin psychiatric disorders as well as mental health and mental illness.
Another huge breakthrough in the neuropsychiatric research findings is the link to Mental Health and Trauma. Childhood Trauma initially focused on physical abuse in the Domestic Violence setting. Gradually, emotional abuse was taken into consideration to address risk and harm. Children and young people were considered at risk in light of such factors as homelessness, refugee and asylum seekers, juvenile justice settings and for those in indigenous communities. The issue of personality disorder and family relationships and breakdown has been ignored.
A personality disorder is a mental health disorder that affects how a person thinks, behaves and relates to others. The Cluster “B” parent has erratic and dramatic emotions and behaviors. Regulating emotions and maintaining healthy relationships is impossible. They are impulsive, low in empathy and low in conscience. They have a need to manipulate, control and disempower others. For family members, specifically their children, this culminates in significant distress and trauma. There is considerable harm to social, emotional, cognitive, spiritual and educational development.
Currently, there are almost no resources for children and young adults who have a Cluster “B” parent. The first step to healing is education to understand what, how and why this has happened to them. This SlideShare presentation aims to shed light on such questions as: What happened to me? Am I crazy? Are they the psycho or am I? Why do I feel so depressed/anxious/worthless? Most importantly, the goal is to help towards hope and healing, good mental health, resilience and peace.
Call to Action: Cluster “B” pathology is insidious, pernicious, deliberate and dangerous. These parents have tremendous destructive potential. Harm is hidden behind charm. They impact homes, families, workplaces, relationships and societies. Education is critical for every person in every system caught in the aftermath of dealing with their destruction: mental health, general health, family law, police departments, criminal justice, domestic violence and social service. Thank you.
Utilizing Bill Madsen\'s Collaborative Map and therapeutic stances towards clients and Alan Jenkins invitational inquiry, this manual guides the reader on how to respectfully invite clients to be responsible for their abusive actions in intimate relationships.
This slideshow outlines how to forgive someone who has wronged you in the past. Moreover, we will talk about how to use Positive Intention to understand the potential reasons why this person did what they did, and how to use this understanding to let go of your resentment towards that other person. In the Seishindo way of thinking, holding resentment towards someone really doesn’t help us in our daily lives and can actually be detrimental in living a healthy and positive lifestyle.
This is an outline of our podcast called "How to forgive someone". To hear the complete audio file, go to: http://seishindo.org/forgive-someone/
Unconscious biases affect our perceptions, decisions, and interactions every day. How do we address biases if we don't know about them? In this talk, you will learn how to recognize and counter the biases that play a part in interviewing, meeting a new team member, and day-to-day interactions. You’ll also see common scenarios and how to address bias as it happens or after the fact. Together, we can make Asynchrony a more diverse and inclusive place to work.
Y'all Means All: Discussing Gender and Sexual OrientationBonner Foundation
This presentation was developed in conjunction with the Y'all Means All training, which serves as an introduction to discussing gender and sexual orientation. This workshop is a part of the Dialogue Across Diversity and Inclusion 4x4 model, Stage 3: Application & Discussion.
Interested in joining our company? Have a desire to work at a unique medical practice where you know what is expected of you and how you fit? Watch this slide deck to understand our culture.
This is the day 2 powerpoint I created for the high school sex ed course I taught last week. The topic for day 2 was Healthy Relationships and Communication.
Here are some stone-cold facts that define the LGBT community. The community is composed of people who feel that their gender and sexuality are different from that of mainstream society. It is most important to realize that all people are extremely complex, and respecting diversity is of the utmost importance. The LGBT community has no clear boundaries and is being redefined every day. Terms are changing and definition are constantly evolving. The “secret” to working with this “uniquely perfect” population is to engage in preparatory empathy in order to avoid missing the whole person and their needs.
The Naked Divorce aims give people hope and a clear proven structured step-by-step programme to recover in 21 days, with the support of highly experienced and trained Divorce Angels.
The simple fact is, with the tools and techniques available today, and with the right structured approach and support, recovery takes weeks – not years. And it’s a tragedy that people suffering great breakup pain don’t know this.
And so we’re on a mission to create a movement that helps tens of thousands of people around the world recover from the emotional trauma of divorce in as little as three weeks. Our programmes have been developed using proven trauma techniques that have been in existence for over 100 years as well as a breakthrough new scientific approach giving individuals access to those techniques in the comfort of their own home.
Deals with the issue of child sexual abuse, how to identify the signs, how to handle situations related to child sexual abuse and penalties imposed by law, how to help a child who is a victim of sexual abuse and how to protect your child from sexual abuse.
This slideshow outlines how to forgive someone who has wronged you in the past. Moreover, we will talk about how to use Positive Intention to understand the potential reasons why this person did what they did, and how to use this understanding to let go of your resentment towards that other person. In the Seishindo way of thinking, holding resentment towards someone really doesn’t help us in our daily lives and can actually be detrimental in living a healthy and positive lifestyle.
This is an outline of our podcast called "How to forgive someone". To hear the complete audio file, go to: http://seishindo.org/forgive-someone/
Unconscious biases affect our perceptions, decisions, and interactions every day. How do we address biases if we don't know about them? In this talk, you will learn how to recognize and counter the biases that play a part in interviewing, meeting a new team member, and day-to-day interactions. You’ll also see common scenarios and how to address bias as it happens or after the fact. Together, we can make Asynchrony a more diverse and inclusive place to work.
Y'all Means All: Discussing Gender and Sexual OrientationBonner Foundation
This presentation was developed in conjunction with the Y'all Means All training, which serves as an introduction to discussing gender and sexual orientation. This workshop is a part of the Dialogue Across Diversity and Inclusion 4x4 model, Stage 3: Application & Discussion.
Interested in joining our company? Have a desire to work at a unique medical practice where you know what is expected of you and how you fit? Watch this slide deck to understand our culture.
This is the day 2 powerpoint I created for the high school sex ed course I taught last week. The topic for day 2 was Healthy Relationships and Communication.
Here are some stone-cold facts that define the LGBT community. The community is composed of people who feel that their gender and sexuality are different from that of mainstream society. It is most important to realize that all people are extremely complex, and respecting diversity is of the utmost importance. The LGBT community has no clear boundaries and is being redefined every day. Terms are changing and definition are constantly evolving. The “secret” to working with this “uniquely perfect” population is to engage in preparatory empathy in order to avoid missing the whole person and their needs.
The Naked Divorce aims give people hope and a clear proven structured step-by-step programme to recover in 21 days, with the support of highly experienced and trained Divorce Angels.
The simple fact is, with the tools and techniques available today, and with the right structured approach and support, recovery takes weeks – not years. And it’s a tragedy that people suffering great breakup pain don’t know this.
And so we’re on a mission to create a movement that helps tens of thousands of people around the world recover from the emotional trauma of divorce in as little as three weeks. Our programmes have been developed using proven trauma techniques that have been in existence for over 100 years as well as a breakthrough new scientific approach giving individuals access to those techniques in the comfort of their own home.
Deals with the issue of child sexual abuse, how to identify the signs, how to handle situations related to child sexual abuse and penalties imposed by law, how to help a child who is a victim of sexual abuse and how to protect your child from sexual abuse.
Similar to When Sex Gets Complicated: Porn, Affairs, & Cybersex (20)
7 Tips for Educating Patients/ Clients for Telehealth & Teletherapy Best Prac...Marlene Maheu
This professional training will give concise suggestions for optimally approaching 7 key issues related to client/patient education for safe, effective clinical interventions.
Need CME(s), CNE(s), or CE(s)?
Register for full CME, CNE, or CE credit(s) for multi-modal, 100% online, on-demand telehealth professional training programs. Registration gives you access to slides, handouts, course materials, and course completion certificates for your licensing board: http://telehealth.org/course-catalog.
Read our 700+ no-cost blog posts at https://blog.telehealth.org, and register for one of our 55+ no-cost telehealth newsletters at https://telehealth.org/signup. If you are seeking telehealth-specific vendors to provide technology, visit https://guide.telehealth.org.
For a full-service telehealth training segment associated with this topic, see https://telehealth.org/legally-ethically-marketing-your-telehealth-services/
Need CME(s), CNE(s), or CE(s)?
Register for full CME, CNE, or CE credit(s) for multi-modal, 100% online, on-demand telehealth professional training programs. Registration gives you access to slides, handouts, course materials, and course completion certificates for your licensing board: http://telehealth.org/course-catalog.
Read our 700+ no-cost blog posts at https://blog.telehealth.org, and register for one of our 55+ no-cost telehealth newsletters at https://telehealth.org/signup. If you are seeking telehealth-specific vendors to provide technology, visit https://guide.telehealth.org.
Ethnobotany and Ethnopharmacology:
Ethnobotany in herbal drug evaluation,
Impact of Ethnobotany in traditional medicine,
New development in herbals,
Bio-prospecting tools for drug discovery,
Role of Ethnopharmacology in drug evaluation,
Reverse Pharmacology.
Palestine last event orientationfvgnh .pptxRaedMohamed3
An EFL lesson about the current events in Palestine. It is intended to be for intermediate students who wish to increase their listening skills through a short lesson in power point.
The Roman Empire A Historical Colossus.pdfkaushalkr1407
The Roman Empire, a vast and enduring power, stands as one of history's most remarkable civilizations, leaving an indelible imprint on the world. It emerged from the Roman Republic, transitioning into an imperial powerhouse under the leadership of Augustus Caesar in 27 BCE. This transformation marked the beginning of an era defined by unprecedented territorial expansion, architectural marvels, and profound cultural influence.
The empire's roots lie in the city of Rome, founded, according to legend, by Romulus in 753 BCE. Over centuries, Rome evolved from a small settlement to a formidable republic, characterized by a complex political system with elected officials and checks on power. However, internal strife, class conflicts, and military ambitions paved the way for the end of the Republic. Julius Caesar’s dictatorship and subsequent assassination in 44 BCE created a power vacuum, leading to a civil war. Octavian, later Augustus, emerged victorious, heralding the Roman Empire’s birth.
Under Augustus, the empire experienced the Pax Romana, a 200-year period of relative peace and stability. Augustus reformed the military, established efficient administrative systems, and initiated grand construction projects. The empire's borders expanded, encompassing territories from Britain to Egypt and from Spain to the Euphrates. Roman legions, renowned for their discipline and engineering prowess, secured and maintained these vast territories, building roads, fortifications, and cities that facilitated control and integration.
The Roman Empire’s society was hierarchical, with a rigid class system. At the top were the patricians, wealthy elites who held significant political power. Below them were the plebeians, free citizens with limited political influence, and the vast numbers of slaves who formed the backbone of the economy. The family unit was central, governed by the paterfamilias, the male head who held absolute authority.
Culturally, the Romans were eclectic, absorbing and adapting elements from the civilizations they encountered, particularly the Greeks. Roman art, literature, and philosophy reflected this synthesis, creating a rich cultural tapestry. Latin, the Roman language, became the lingua franca of the Western world, influencing numerous modern languages.
Roman architecture and engineering achievements were monumental. They perfected the arch, vault, and dome, constructing enduring structures like the Colosseum, Pantheon, and aqueducts. These engineering marvels not only showcased Roman ingenuity but also served practical purposes, from public entertainment to water supply.
Operation “Blue Star” is the only event in the history of Independent India where the state went into war with its own people. Even after about 40 years it is not clear if it was culmination of states anger over people of the region, a political game of power or start of dictatorial chapter in the democratic setup.
The people of Punjab felt alienated from main stream due to denial of their just demands during a long democratic struggle since independence. As it happen all over the word, it led to militant struggle with great loss of lives of military, police and civilian personnel. Killing of Indira Gandhi and massacre of innocent Sikhs in Delhi and other India cities was also associated with this movement.
The Indian economy is classified into different sectors to simplify the analysis and understanding of economic activities. For Class 10, it's essential to grasp the sectors of the Indian economy, understand their characteristics, and recognize their importance. This guide will provide detailed notes on the Sectors of the Indian Economy Class 10, using specific long-tail keywords to enhance comprehension.
For more information, visit-www.vavaclasses.com
Read| The latest issue of The Challenger is here! We are thrilled to announce that our school paper has qualified for the NATIONAL SCHOOLS PRESS CONFERENCE (NSPC) 2024. Thank you for your unwavering support and trust. Dive into the stories that made us stand out!
The French Revolution, which began in 1789, was a period of radical social and political upheaval in France. It marked the decline of absolute monarchies, the rise of secular and democratic republics, and the eventual rise of Napoleon Bonaparte. This revolutionary period is crucial in understanding the transition from feudalism to modernity in Europe.
For more information, visit-www.vavaclasses.com
We all have good and bad thoughts from time to time and situation to situation. We are bombarded daily with spiraling thoughts(both negative and positive) creating all-consuming feel , making us difficult to manage with associated suffering. Good thoughts are like our Mob Signal (Positive thought) amidst noise(negative thought) in the atmosphere. Negative thoughts like noise outweigh positive thoughts. These thoughts often create unwanted confusion, trouble, stress and frustration in our mind as well as chaos in our physical world. Negative thoughts are also known as “distorted thinking”.
Synthetic Fiber Construction in lab .pptxPavel ( NSTU)
Synthetic fiber production is a fascinating and complex field that blends chemistry, engineering, and environmental science. By understanding these aspects, students can gain a comprehensive view of synthetic fiber production, its impact on society and the environment, and the potential for future innovations. Synthetic fibers play a crucial role in modern society, impacting various aspects of daily life, industry, and the environment. ynthetic fibers are integral to modern life, offering a range of benefits from cost-effectiveness and versatility to innovative applications and performance characteristics. While they pose environmental challenges, ongoing research and development aim to create more sustainable and eco-friendly alternatives. Understanding the importance of synthetic fibers helps in appreciating their role in the economy, industry, and daily life, while also emphasizing the need for sustainable practices and innovation.
Students, digital devices and success - Andreas Schleicher - 27 May 2024..pptxEduSkills OECD
Andreas Schleicher presents at the OECD webinar ‘Digital devices in schools: detrimental distraction or secret to success?’ on 27 May 2024. The presentation was based on findings from PISA 2022 results and the webinar helped launch the PISA in Focus ‘Managing screen time: How to protect and equip students against distraction’ https://www.oecd-ilibrary.org/education/managing-screen-time_7c225af4-en and the OECD Education Policy Perspective ‘Students, digital devices and success’ can be found here - https://oe.cd/il/5yV
2024.06.01 Introducing a competency framework for languag learning materials ...Sandy Millin
http://sandymillin.wordpress.com/iateflwebinar2024
Published classroom materials form the basis of syllabuses, drive teacher professional development, and have a potentially huge influence on learners, teachers and education systems. All teachers also create their own materials, whether a few sentences on a blackboard, a highly-structured fully-realised online course, or anything in between. Despite this, the knowledge and skills needed to create effective language learning materials are rarely part of teacher training, and are mostly learnt by trial and error.
Knowledge and skills frameworks, generally called competency frameworks, for ELT teachers, trainers and managers have existed for a few years now. However, until I created one for my MA dissertation, there wasn’t one drawing together what we need to know and do to be able to effectively produce language learning materials.
This webinar will introduce you to my framework, highlighting the key competencies I identified from my research. It will also show how anybody involved in language teaching (any language, not just English!), teacher training, managing schools or developing language learning materials can benefit from using the framework.
Thesis Statement for students diagnonsed withADHD.ppt
When Sex Gets Complicated: Porn, Affairs, & Cybersex
1. When Sex Gets Complicated:
Porn, Affairs, & Cybersex
Marty Klein, Ph.D
December 2023
Telehealth.org
2. For a copy of these slides, see
www.MartyKlein.com/telehealth
3. Recent technologies that affected
sexual expression
• Artificial rubber
• Artificial nylon
• The car
• The bicycle
• The internet
• VCR & videotape
• Religion
• Psychotherapy
• The telephone
• Photography
• Penicillin
• Sterilization
• DNA testing
• Factory work
• Oral contraceptives
• Electrification of downtowns
4. Sex & technology today
• Broadband and digitalization blur the boundary between
imagination and behavior.
• Historically, infidelity was fairly easy to measure. Now that
imagination is fluid, infidelity is harder to assess.
• Digital sexual devices can collect information about us.
• Sexually, robots will learn more about us than our mates know.
• Technology makes more people available to us for infidelity.
• People can now program and create their own pornography.
• Digital natives find these things “normal.”
6. What does infidelity feel like? —the Betrayed
• Reality is destabilized—“an emotional roller coaster”
• Don’t know what (if anything) to trust
• Hungry for information
• Question value of self
• Desire to protect self ASAP
• Need support
• Desire to punish
• Grief about the losses (trust, existential, partnership, confidence)
• Question: what does this mean?
• Shame
• Reinforce negative narratives about men/women, intimacy, sex?
7. What does infidelity feel like? —the Betrayer
• Guilt, shame
• Relief
• Fun is over
• Fear
• Defensiveness
• Anger
• Attempt to minimize
• Emotional roller coaster
8. Post-infidelity, each person needs to
1) articulate their feelings
2) understand the other’s feelings
All while neither is in a mood
to experience this painful stuff.
We’re asking them to trust our judgement that this
will be a good thing—contrary to their instincts.
9. Betrayed & Betrayer may resort to
various strategies to deal with these feelings
• Trying to be right
• Super analytical or rational
• Develop explanatory narrative
• “I can’t help how I feel”
• “I simply won’t believe or listen to anything you say”
• “I’m a sex addict”
• “You’re a sex addict”
• Collapse emotionally
10. We can acknowledge that
there’s pain on each side,
without trivializing either one’s pain.
One or both partners may resent this.
13. Power-oriented behaviors
• Throwing spouse out of house
• Telling Betrayer’s family, friends, employer
• Telling couple’s children
• Spending couples’ money
• Limiting Betrayer’s access to children
• Revenge affair
• Collapsing emotionally
• Pathologizing partner
What is our clinical position
about this dynamic?
14. “You betrayed me,
now I’m in charge.”
As satisfying as this may be
to the person in pain
(and perhaps to the therapist),
it prevents a collaborative approach
to resolving the affair.
15. Whose pain is more important?
Should people be expected to think clearly about this
if they’re in pain?
Does the Betrayer OWE the Betrayed
a few bonus rights?
If the Betrayed now hurts the family or Betrayer’s job,
is there any recourse?
16. After betrayal, either partner
may resort to unhealthy power dynamics
• Passive-aggressiveness
• Withholding sex
• Withholding other engagement
• Sarcasm and “teasing”
• Narratives of blame
• “I don’t care anymore;” withdrawal
• “You owe me”
• “I apologized, what else do you want?”
18. People are responsible for the extent to
which they feel hurt or angry,
AND especially
for how they deal with it.
Having been betrayed
does NOT remove this responsibility.
19. The Betrayer can damage
the relationship
• Lack of empathy; avoiding partner’s emotions
• Rolling out information gradually
• Trying to get back to normal too quickly
• Demanding too much change, or too quickly
• Expecting sex too soon
• Comparing partner to lover
• Resisting creating a reconciliation plan
• Resisting self-awareness
20. The Betrayed can damage
the relationship, themselves, & others
• Telling people: family, kids, friends, community
• Damaging property
• “Revenge” affair
• Public shaming
• Harming partner’s job/career
• Harming oneself
• Violating partner’s privacy
• Becoming bitter
• Refusing to participate in joint events
• Feeling entitled to revenge or punishment
21. Contrasting agendas for the Betrayed:
(1) I want to express my feelings
(2) Maybe I want to reconcile
If you damage the relationship enough
when expressing your upset,
you won’t have much left
to reconstruct.
26. the desire for sexual novelty
vs.
the desire for sexual predictability
27. the desire to be attractive to others
vs.
the knowledge of
one’s declining attractiveness
28. One way people deal with
these conflicts is by
sexual betrayal.
29. Both the Betrayed and the therapist
may prefer to overlook this;
The simplistic model of
“bad Betrayer” &
“good/victimized Betrayed”
is easier to deal with.
31. No one can prove
they’re being faithful.
That’s why “trust” is so important—
belief in the absence of data.
32. “I demand to know every single detail.”
“I have a right to know.”
Do they?
33. The potential mischief of “full disclosure”
• Betrayed can use the information to obsess
• Betrayed can use the information to self-criticize
• When is it enough?
• Why should Betrayed trust that it’s complete?
• Betrayed can challenge the content (“you think red hat is sexy?”)
• Betrayed can use the information to excise things from their
future life
• Betrayed can focus on the content, not the big picture
• It puts Betrayed in charge, with Betrayer under a microscope
34. Monitoring one’s betrayer may give
the illusion of security,
and be a form of punishment…
But it doesn’t add to trust.
It prevents the development of trust.
Passwords? Phone tracking?
Required check-ins?
37. How do we hold a couple or individual
after betrayal?
We need to guide patients through
a painful journey
for which they may lack the skills they need.
Maybe we can help them develop these skills,
although that’s usually not
what they came for.
38. Recovery from infidelity requires
adult skills
• How to compromise without feeling like a fool
• How to tolerate another‘s feelings
• How to self-soothe
• How to communicate when embarrassed, ashamed, angry, lonely, or
anxious
• How to accept the consequences of one's decisions
• Accepting that no one gets everything they want
• Accepting that life is complex, rarely black-&-white
39. Common assumptions around betrayal
• You don’t care about me at all.
• Everything has changed.
• Nothing was as it seemed.
• You lose all your marital rights.
• I get to handle this any way I like.
• You owe me whatever I say you do.
• I define all aspects of this, unilaterally.
• I can tell anyone, and say anything, I want.
• For us to progress, I don’t have to do anything.
40. No one can prevent anyone
from being unfaithful.
What will the Betrayed do about that painful
(and ultimately freeing)
fact?
41. If Betrayed is certain they’ll never get over this,
or can never hear that song again,
they’ll be right.
That’s generally a bad decision.
42. Key questions
• Why did I (or you) do it?
• What does this mean?
• What do each of us want now? Want eventually?
• What is each of us willing to feel?
• What is each of us willing to learn?
43. “Why I did it…”
(i.e., existentialism on the ground)
• It was an easy way to feel sexy/womanly/young
• I loved the attention
• We hadn’t had exciting sex in years
• I wasn’t sure you cared what I did anymore
• It was the only place I felt I could be me
• You seemed bored or I felt selfish when I brought you my problems
• You’re always putting me down
• You hadn’t touched me in forever
• I wanted some excitement before I got old
• I’m still mad you forced me to have another kid/buy a house/move here
45. An affair can be a desperate attempt to STAY
in a relationship.
People sometimes acknowledge this:
“When you wouldn’t have sex,
or you treated me so badly,
what else could I do?”
46. The Betrayed (and the therapist)
can be sympathetic
to the Betrayer’s dilemma…
And still hold the Betrayer accountable
for her choices.
47. Infidelity may be more about
someone’s relationship to herself
than about her relationship w/her mate.
Many Betrayeds refuse to accept this,
complicating the situation.
49. To reconcile or not?
Don’t let them do this too soon.
First they have to negotiate
what relationship they want.
Is there one relationship they both want?
If so, then we can discuss how/whether
they can create it.
50. Do one or both want to reconcile?
• Under what conditions?
• Do they have a joint vision of the desired relationship?
• Do they want the sex to be different?
• If they want change, how will they create it?
• How will they measure the change?
• How will they know they’ve “made it”?
• Why should they stay together?
51. How do I know you won’t do it again?
How have you changed?
What will you do differently?
How will we change?
53. How most porn consumers describe their use
• They only use it to masturbate
• They know it’s a fantasy
• They don’t expect to duplicate what they see
• They appreciate actors’ enthusiasm
• They appreciate the depictions of desire & arousal
• They prefer depictions of cooperative sex
• Like masturbation, it’s private
• If partner disapproves, it’s secret
• It doesn’t undermine their partner sex
54. Myths about porn
• Only men watch porn
• Porn steals people from their partners
• Porn makes people want kinky things
• Porn makes people less empathic
• Porn is almost entirely violent, and it’s all about pleasing men
• You can get addicted to porn
• Watching porn is a form of infidelity
55. People typically consume porn
as part of masturbating.
Is masturbation acceptable
in a given relationship?
56. If not, there’s no point in
discussing pornography.
If masturbation is acceptable,
then the issue is about
“masturbating with pornography.”
57. Why some people prefer
masturbation (w/ or w/o porn)
to partner sex
• The sex is more satisfying
• Ongoing conflict in the couple
• No criticism, disappointment, or failure
• No performance anxiety; less dysfunction
• Control of the experience
• Lack of agreement on sexual routines
• No contraception struggles or fertility conflicts
• No startup cost after long absence of couples sex
58. Masturbating to porn
can be a strategy:
• For staying married
• For avoiding an affair or sex worker
• For avoiding being honest about sex life
• For feeling normal
• For avoiding existential issues about autonomy,
dependence, intimacy, aging
59. What are we talking about
when we talk about porn?
• Violence
• Fear
• Loss & grief
• Jealousy
• Body image
• Masturbation
• Powerlessness
• Isolation & loneliness
• Lack of attention
• Lack of empathy
• Bad manners
• User’s hostility
• Feeling pushed away or
abandoned
60. Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
• That depends on the couple’s contract
• Many people claim a retroactive agreement
• What if two people differ on this?
• What’s the salient features of infidelity?
• Should a therapist take sides?
• What is this conflict really about?
61. Why “addiction” isn’t helpful here
• Feeling out of control ≠ being out of control
• Assumes someone can’t control their decision-making
• Both people get to avoid the work
• Pathologizes Betrayer’s choices
• Means Betrayer will always be at risk of betraying
• Doesn’t address the relationship
• Doesn’t address masturbation—is it legitimate in this
relationship?
• Skips over possible mental health issues
62. Some people would rather have an “addiction” than
• Discuss masturbation
• Discuss the couple’s sex life
• Discuss non-sex life
• Admit they’re unhappy
• Admit they don’t want the relationship
• Deal with their resentment cleanly
• Admit they made a poor marital choice
• Admit they’re selfish or self-destructive
• Displease God
64. “Cyber-infidelity”
Is online activity “real” or not?
Does it matter?
• Words of affection
• Masturbating together
• Sharing photos or video
• Controlling other’s toy
• Sex with each other’s avatar
• Sex worker or not
65. Cybersex
• Remote sex: between people who are connected through the Internet, not geography.
May involve electronic sex toys to enhance the experience. Sensations may be
transmitted via touch sensors to enable mutual real-time arousal.
• Virtual sex: when people share sexual content through devices. This includes typed
messages, video and voice chats both online and via phone. May involve avatars in
3-D worlds. May involve 3-D printed body parts of others.
• Robots and sex dolls: Machines will learn our preferences and language.
• Immersive entertainment: via VR and forthcoming technologies.
• Customize our bodies with implants: We become our own devices.
66. Why people get involved in cybersex
• Prefer anonymity to being known
• Prefer taboo activities or partners
• Believe it will heighten pleasure
• Time/space discontinuity
• Desire novel experiences
• Think it’s “normal”
• Lack emotional skills for real-life partnered sex
67. Some issues with cybersex
• Creating porn online
• Interacting w/sex workers
• Interacting sexually w/people
• Sex w/robots
• Social media
• Going to sex chat rooms or forums; trying to meet people
• Child porn images; government stings
• Typically not “authorized” by partner (altho not explicitly forbidden)
• “Addiction”?
• What constitutes cyber-infidelity?
68. Cybersex
• AI & VR are creating new personal and relationship challenges
• People turning to it more as it becomes more ubiquitous
• Robot sex
• Can involve gratifications as well as self-harming uses
• “Digisexuals:” identity around sexual experience that involves immersive
technologies and does not depend on the presence of another person.
• What about VR sex w/the avatar of someone w/o their consent? Similar to
revenge porn? Traumatic if other person finds out?
• Create or distribute VR without consent of others
• Secrecy and deception with mate
• Where is our clinical sophistication supposed to come from?
69. 2015 Prediction re: cybersex
“Intolerance, shame, guilt, fear, ignorance, and
loneliness will be all but forgotten,
replaced by limitless erotic pleasures fueled by
understanding, respect, tolerance, passion,
kindness, and love.”
Nonsense.
Humans carry their sex-negativity
wherever we go.
70. Sex with robots
• Personalities are now being programmed, not just movements and looks.
• What does it mean for a robot or doll to become “more lifelike”?
• Artificial companions are not just about sex, but about what humans want
from their relationships & themselves--including pleasure and friendship.
• If we can program robot’s personality, we won’t have to develop the skills
of dealing w/imperfect people—which would be our loss.
• Artificial adult companions can help users cope with stress, anxiety,
depression, or trauma by offering a safe and non-judgmental space to
express feelings & needs.
71. In summary
• Blurring the line between imagination and reality is new (outside
of religion & spirituality); we don’t yet have a vocabulary for it.
• Definition of “normal” is now less certain.
• This all challenges us to think about what we want from sex,
and what makes us human.
• This all challenges us to think about what “fidelity” means, and
why we want it.
• Why does cybersex matter?
72. Looking ahead
As we drift along with new technologies our values change.
What we want changes.
And what we think of as “human,” “intimate,” and “free will”
changes.
We should push clients to think about these things rather
than letting them choose not to. In the future, what will be
considered “normal?”