This presentation "Support for Families of the Missing Living with Ambiguous Loss" is for service providers within Treaty 3 on Feb. 9, 2022.

1. 1
Support for Families
of the Missing
Living with Ambiguous Loss
For: Grand Council Treaty #3
Service Providers
Presented by: Maureen Trask
On: Wed. Feb. 9, 2022
9:30am – 4:00pm

2. 2
Training Objectives
1. Explore “Missing”
2. Relevance of Ambiguous Loss
3. Contrast the Grief Process
4. Recognize what Families Need
5. Explore Support Approaches
6. What You Can Do to Help
7. Relationship with Police
8. Opportunity in COVID Times

3. 3
 Fair and accessible Services
 Priority to find the Missing
 Rights for the Families
 Honour the Stories
 Families can take control
Missing Persons –
My Approach for Families

4. 4
Daniel Robert Trask
Missing Nov. 3, 2011 Found May 24, 2015

5. 1. Explore “Missing”
5
A conversation to explore “Missing”
What is a Missing Person?
(Definition)
Who goes Missing?
Where are the Missing?
When are they Found?
Why do they go Missing?
How many go Missing?

6. Stats - Patterns in the Data*
6
Source Date: Fast Fact Sheets: Publications (canadasmissing.ca), NCMPUR
Bolded # or % = Highest in that Column

7. Missing
Person
Myths
Missing Person Myths
Missing Persons Week, SK
Try
the Quiz
7
QUIZ: 9 things everyone should know about finding missing people., Sept. 19, 2017

8. 2. Relevance of
Ambiguous Loss
8

9. Ambiguous Loss Explained
Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss
and Dr. Gloria Horsley, founder and president of Open to Hope
Foundation, discuss Ambiguous Loss at the annual Association of Death
Education and Counseling (ADEC) Conference, 2011.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vYyefAgZ0
9

10. Types of Ambiguous Loss
10
1. Physically Absent-
Psychologically Present
2. Psychologically Absent-
Physically Present
 Adoption
 Migration
 Miscarriage and stillborn loss
 Missing people
 Natural disaster and
catastrophic tragedy
 Addictions
 Dementia and Alzheimer’s
 Mental health issues
 Separation/Divorce
 Traumatic brain injury or coma
 There is no verification of death.
 There is no certainty that the person will come back

11. Manage the Contradictions
Take two opposing ideas, make into one (both - and)
•I am both sad - and still happy
•I am both alone - and still connected
•I am both powerless - and still empowered
•I am both frozen - and still transforming
•I am both doubtful - and still hopeful
•I am both burdened - and still grateful
•My loved one is both gone - and still here
11

12. 3. Contrast the Grief Process
12
Traditional Loss Ambiguous Loss
Some knowledge and understanding
from society and western culture
Lack of knowledge about what
ambiguous loss is and its effects
Some services/supports available-
grief counsellors/professionals
Tremendous lack of services and
supports – lack of professionals that
specialize or educated on this
Seen as “normal” because everyone at
some point in their life has a loved one
that dies
Seen as “not normal”, “complicated
grief”, and not affecting the mass
majority
Spiritual/belief teachings exist that
speak to death and mourning
No spiritual/belief teachings discuss
ambiguous loss

13. Contrast the Grief Process
Cont.
13
Traditional Loss Ambiguous Loss
Mourn the loss after the death Cannot mourn because no defined
death to mourn
Customary rituals that allow for loss of
life through death.
Symbolic rituals that ordinarily support
a loss do not exist. (Boss, 1999)
Some tolerance to the loss that results
from a death.
Co-workers, peers, and society are less
likely to tolerate ambiguity.
The loss as a result of a death is
legitimized by society.
Ambiguous loss is not legitimized by
society.
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief.
Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

14. Why does it matter?
 Freezes the grief process
 Paralyzes couple and family functioning
 Prevents certainty
 Families can name it,
“Ambiguous Loss”
 Families need help
 Families need support
 Families need to know
that they are not abnormal (crazy),
it’s the situation.
14

15. 4. Recognize what Families Need
• Be heard, believed, and supported
• Be safe and connected, with trust
• Understand the systems and resources
• Know what to expect of self and others
• Minimize the emotional roller coaster
• Take care of self first, find balance
• Cope in healthy ways, reduce stress
• Strive to maintain Hope, build Resiliency
• Access to timely information and resources
15

16. The Unique Needs of Those
Experiencing Ambiguous Loss
16
Point of referral/contact for families
Initial support (Emotional, Missing Persons Report)
Practical support (Media, Search, Property, Finances)
Counselling (group, family, peer, individual)
Cope with triggers
Community tribute.
Need someone who will:
Listen, Empathize,
Communicate, Connect,
Be Present, Be Supportive,
Be Resourceful, Navigate.

17. What Families must Do
•File a Missing Person Report with Police
•Designate contact reps (Police and Media)
•Contact family, friends, last know locations
•Handle jurisdiction changes
•Deal with missing person matters (Finances,
Property, Possessions, Medical, Employer, etc.)
•Manage triggers (Sightings, Remains, Psychics)
•Maintain relationship with Police and searchers
•Live with the ambiguity and uncertainty
•Find meaning and maintain hope
17

18. A Poem by Tom M. Brown, Dublin, Ireland
18
When Someone You Love Goes Missing
https://wenswritings.wordpress.com/when-someone-you-loves-goes-missing-by-tom-m-brown/

19. Missing Persons - Recommendations
19
Family input (needs)
based on their lived
experience:
1. Reporting
2. Investigations
3. Searches
4. Communications
5. Media
6. Training
7. Truth and Justice
Report Link: https://www.slideshare.net/trasker/missing-persons-recommendations

20. 5. Explore Support Approaches
20
Professional Counsellors Peer Support Victim Services
Grief and Bereavement Ambiguous Loss Family Supportsg

21. Support:
Looks different to everyone
21
“Someone to really
listen…”
“Being present…”
“Just being there …”
…were by far the most
popular ways to
support someone

22. 22

23. 23

24. How does one learn to
ease the effects?
Guidelines for resiliency while having
to live with Ambiguous Loss: (Boss, 1999)
1. Find Meaning (look at values, beliefs, traditions)
2. Accept Uncertainty (make 2 opposing ideas into 1)
3. Reconstruct Identity (forced to change roles)
4. Normalize Ambivalence (as the new norm)
5. Revisit Attachment (celebrate the missing and mourn the changes)
6. Discover Hope (look at strengths, making it with the pain)
24

25. AFP Framework:
5 themes for working with
families of missing persons
1. Reanimation: move past “frozen”
2. A celebration so far: respond to loss
3. The trauma timeline: explore the impact
4. A protected place: safe place of pain
5. Opportunities for growth: living with loss
© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland
25

26. 1. Re-animation
Move past “frozen”
Help families with their
sense of being frozen
to the time of their loved
one's disappearance.
Assist families to move
from their sense of
feeling “stuck”.
26

27. 2. A celebration so far
Respond to loss
Acknowledge and honour the family's relationship
with the missing person.
Facilitate families to find
an opportunity to respond
to the current loss of
their loved one.
27

28. 3. The trauma timeline
Explore the impact
of the disappearance,
as well as the accumulated
traumas that family or
the Missing Person
may have faced prior to
their loved one going
missing.
28

29. Triggers and Trauma
“Having a missing loved one is the most painful loss
of all.” (Dr. Pauline Boss, 1999)
Triggers can affect the emotional ups and downs:
• News, tips, or new leads
• Items found, but no physical evidence
• Possible sightings or remains found
• Significant dates, events, songs, smells, places, objects
• Other Missing Person stories, cases
• Mistaking a person you see or hear on the street
• Officer or Jurisdiction changes
The Trauma Timeline is an important aspect when
assessing the implications of the loss. Supporting those who are left behind,
Australian Federal Police (Sarah Wayland), 2007
29

30. 3. The trauma timeline – example
30

31. 4. A protected place
A safe place of pain
Co-construct with families a space where they
can acknowledge the
pain of “not knowing”
while still finding
ways to live life.
31

32. 5. Opportunities for growth
Living with loss
Explore ways in which families can live
with their loss,
rather than being
consumed by it.
32

33. Indigenous Relationships
33
 Temagami First Nation, Bear Island
 The Healing of The Seven Generations, Kitchener
 White Owl Native Ancestry Association, Kitchener
 Conestoga College, Aboriginal Services, Kitchener
 Wilfrid Laurier Univ., Indigenous Student Centre, Waterloo
 Wat. Univ. and St. Pauls, Indigenous Student Centre, Waterloo
 Univ. of Guelph, Indigenous Student Centre, Guelph

34. First Nations Experiential
Knowledge Circle / Learning Cycle
34
Experiencing - Engagement in
"Real life" learning experience
Reflecting - Internalization of the
Experience
Making Meaning - Analysis of the
Experience
Acting - Application of Experience
to other Real Life Situations
Source: Experiential Knowledge Overview from the First Nations Pedagogy Online Project

35. 35

36. 36
 Reduce stress - physically and emotionally.
 Acknowledge the pain of not knowing.
 Connect with others in your community who have
missing loved ones and know that you are not alone.
 Share what you are going through with family and
friends so they too can support you.
 Learn as much as you can to help you understand.
 Let the love of your missing loved one help guide
you on your journey of uncertainty.
Coping Suggestions for
Families

37. What to Avoid as a
Family Support
 Supporting the person from a grief
approach (like a traditional death)
 Focusing on advice or assumed cause
 Assuming every situation is the same
 Thinking newfound Hope remains
 Asking “How does that make you feel?”
 Using the word “Closure”
37

38. 6. What you can Do to Help
 Create and hold a safe space
 Learn that grief is “frozen” and is not a linear process
 Encourage to share story, call loved one by name and
educate on the importance of this
 Help build strategies to cope with tidal waves of emotion
 Help cope with the tough questions: the ‘why’, ‘what if’
and ‘should have’ from the family
 Help to recognize and build resilience
 Help externalize the loss to release blame and guilt
 Help find meaning in their experience of loss
 Help embrace the paradox and move forward with the
“good enough” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
38

39. What you can Do to Support
Families continued
 Listen more and do less
 Empower to see loss in a new way
 Hold multiple truths about the missing person
 Normalize the experience, feelings, and thoughts
 Work collaboratively with the families as equals
 Help build “… a new narrative that is less burdened with
negative attributions, which invoke guilt, shame, remorse,
or desire for retribution” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
 Use tasks as guidelines
 Focus on the impact of the loss
39

40. Humour and Balance
40

41. 7. Relationship with Police
“Challenges” from a Family Perspective
 Not being taken serious by police in the
first instance
 Making sense of the entire situation -
understand the process and options
 Lifestyle bias and assumptions of the
disappearance
 Trust and/or credibility issues
 Lack of communications - not being kept
up to date, short or long term
42

42. How Police Can Help –
to Improve Relationship with Families
 Take the Missing Persons Report
 Make a Communication Agreement with family contacts
 Conduct consistent, transparent Missing Person Practises
 Have a point of contact for Investigations and Searches
 Inform families of Victim Services/other Support Services
 Provide Reporting on Missing Persons
(as part of Annual Statistics/Trends)
 Understand the uncertainty and triggers families face
 Be there for the families and the missing person
43

43. Info for Families
43
OPP Orillia, ON (Mail Code 4220 2018) VS Waterloo Region, ON (2015)

44. Specialized Victim Services –
Family Information Liaison Units (FILUs)
44
Specialized Victim Services for the Families of Missing and Murdered Aboriginal
Women: An Overview of Scope, Reach and Impact (justice.gc.ca)
By Katie Scrim and Naomi Giff-MacKinnon
Canada FILUs: Family Information Liaison Units (justice.gc.ca)
Ontario FILUs: Toronto, Sudbury, Sioux Lookout, Thunder Bay
Support for Families of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women
and Girls - Ministry of the Attorney General (gov.on.ca)
If you do not live in one of those cities, call 1-844-888-8610 to arrange for FILU staff
to travel to your location.

45. Ontario’s Missing Persons Act, 2018
in effect July 1, 2019
45
Missing Persons Acts are still needed in
Quebec, New Brunswick, PEI, NWT and Nunavut.

46. 8. Opportunity in COVID Times
46

47. Support in COVID Times
47

48. COVID Times: Crisis Framework *
48
PREVENT
RESPOND
SUPPORT
PROTECT
• Based on the National Missing Persons Framework for Scotland, May 2017

49. There is no “Closure”
49

50. There is no “Closure”
50
Dec. 2021
Guidance for beginning to
cope with this lingering
distress, and even learn
how this time of pandemic
has taught us to tolerate
ambiguity, build resilience,
and emerge from crises
stronger than we were
before.

51. Living and Learning on my
Ambiguous Loss Journey
“Loss of a missing loved one is often a lonely and an
untrodden path for each of us who has to walk it.” *
Accept and find meaning
in my uncertainty.
Care for myself first.
Learn to develop resilience.
Continue to discover Hope.
51
* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

52. 52
What Helped Me
 Connecting with other families with a missing loved one
 Learning about Ambiguous Loss
 Sharing my story and asking “What would Daniel want?”
 Knowing I’m not Crazy, it’s the Situation!
 Peer Support Group

53. Recap and Q & A
1. Explore “Missing”
2. Relevance of Ambiguous Loss
3. Contrast the Grief Process
4. Recognise What Families Need
5. Explore Support Approaches
6. What You Can Do to Help
7. Relationship with Police
8. Opportunity in COVID Times
Any moments or questions?
53

54. From me to each of you:
54
Maureen Trask: trasker@rogers.com
Links to the Presentation and Resource Materials can be shared.