This training presentation provided information on supporting families experiencing ambiguous loss due to a missing loved one. The objectives were to explore ambiguous loss, understand the family needs and support models, and clarify the victim specialist support role. Ambiguous loss was defined as an unclear or uncertain loss that lacks closure. It differs from traditional loss in that there are no rituals or societal understanding of the situation. Families experiencing ambiguous loss require support, resources, and help managing their uncertainty. Victim specialists can provide crisis intervention, referrals, and navigate families to additional support services as needed.

1. 1
Ambiguous Loss Training:
Supporting Families with Missing Persons
(Missing Loved Ones)
For: OPP Victim Specialists
Presented by: Maureen Trask
On: Thurs. Dec. 2, 2021

2. 2
Training Objectives
 Explore “Missing”
 Understand Ambiguous Loss
 Identify Family Needs & Support Models
 Victim Specialist Support Role
 Recap and Q & A

3. 3
Daniel Robert Trask
Missing Nov. 3, 2011 Found May 24, 2015

4. 4
My Journey to Peer Support
Bringing Families Together “Music for the Missing”, Dec. 2011
Calling on Grief and Loss Experts
Bereaved Families of Ontario (BFO), Nov. 2012
Bereavement Ontario Network (BON), Jan. 2013
BON Conf, Ambiguous Loss presentation, Oct. 2013 and 2021
BFO Breakfast Networking Group, Oct. 2013
Community Counselling Agencies, Sept. 2013
8 Month Support Group Cardinal Counselling, Nov. 2012 - June 11, 2013
Peer Support for Families with Missing Loved Ones (Missing Persons)
Brenda Richard, CSW CPS, Facilitator, Dec. 2015 - present

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6. VS Training Sessions 2014 - 2021
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 Waterloo Region
 Niagara Region
 Guelph-Wellington
 Caledon-Dufferin
 Whitehorse, Yukon
 Haldimand-Norfolk-New Credit
 Oxford County (VASOC)
 Halton Region
 Hamilton
 ON Missing and Unidentified Working Group
 ON Office for Victims of Crime
 Victim Services Alliance of Ontario (VSAO)
 OPP Victim Specialists across Ontario (this session)

7. A Poem by Tom M. Brown, Dublin, Ireland
7
When Someone You Love Goes Missing
https://wenswritings.wordpress.com/when-someone-you-loves-goes-missing-by-tom-m-brown/

8. Explore “Missing”
8
A conversation to explore “Missing”
What is a Missing Person?
(Definition)
Who goes Missing?
Where are the Missing?
When are they Found?
Why do they go Missing?
How many go Missing?

9. Missing
Person
Myths
Missing Person Myths
Missing Persons Week, SK
Try
the Quiz
9
QUIZ: 9 things everyone should know about finding missing people., Sept. 19, 2017

10. Stats - Patterns in the Data*
10
Source Date: Fast Fact Sheets: Publications (canadasmissing.ca), NCMPUR
Bolded # or % = Highest in that Column

11. What is Ambiguous Loss?
11

12. Ambiguous Loss Explained
Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss
and Dr. Gloria Horsley, founder and president of Open to Hope
Foundation, discuss Ambiguous Loss at the annual Association of Death
Education and Counseling (ADEC) Conference, 2011.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vYyefAgZ0
12

13. Ambiguous Loss Recap
 Unclear /Uncertain Loss
 Senseless Loss
 Traumatic / Painful Loss
 Externally Caused
 Lacks Closure / Understanding
 Frozen Grief / Being Stuck in Limbo
 A Unique Individual Journey
Boss, P. (2009). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psych, 59(2), 137-145.
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press
13

14. Types of Ambiguous Loss
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1. Physically Absent-
Psychologically Present
2. Psychologically Absent-
Physically Present
 Adoption
 Migration
 Miscarriage and stillborn loss
 Missing people
 Natural disaster and
catastrophic tragedy
 Addictions
 Dementia and Alzheimer’s
 Mental health issues
 Separation/Divorce
 Traumatic brain injury or coma
 There is no verification of death.
 There is no certainty that the person will come back

15. Ambiguous Loss differs from
Traditional Loss
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Traditional Loss Ambiguous Loss
Some knowledge and understanding
from society and western culture
Lack of knowledge about what
ambiguous loss is and its effects
Some services/supports available-
grief counsellors/professionals
Tremendous lack of services and
supports – lack of professionals that
specialize or educated on this
Seen as “normal” because everyone at
some point in their life has a loved one
that dies
Seen as “not normal”, “complicated
grief”, and not affecting the mass
majority
Spiritual/belief teachings exist that
speak to death and mourning
No spiritual/belief teachings discuss
ambiguous loss

16. Ambiguous Loss differs from
Traditional Loss continued
16
Traditional Loss Ambiguous Loss
Mourn the loss after the death Cannot mourn because no defined
death to mourn
Customary rituals that allow for
closure
Symbolic rituals that ordinarily support
a loss do not exist. (Boss, 1999)
Some tolerance to the loss that results
from a death.
Co-workers, peers, and society are less
likely to tolerate ambiguity.
The loss as a result of a death is
legitimized by society.
Ambiguous loss is not legitimized by
society.
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief.
Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

17. Manage the Contradictions
Take two opposing ideas, make into one (both - and)
•I am both sad - and still happy
•I am both alone - and still connected
•I am both powerless - and still empowered
•I am both frozen - and still transforming
•I am both doubtful - and still hopeful
•I am both burdened - and still grateful
•My loved one is both gone - and still here
17

18. Why does it matter?
 Freezes the grief process
 Paralyzes couple and family functioning
 Prevents “closure”
 Families can name it,
“Ambiguous Loss”
 Families need help
 Families need support
 Families need to know
that they are not abnormal (crazy),
it’s the situation.
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19. Needs of Families
• Be heard, believed, and supported
• Be safe and connected, with trust
• Understand the systems and resources
• Know what to expect of self and others
• Minimize the emotional roller coaster
• Take care of self first, find balance
• Cope in healthy ways, reduce stress
• Strive to maintain Hope, build Resiliency
• Access to timely information and resources
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20. Missing Persons - Recommendations
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Family input (needs)
based on their lived
experience:
1. Reporting
2. Investigations
3. Searches
4. Communications
5. Media
6. Training
7. Truth and Justice
Report Link: https://www.slideshare.net/trasker/missing-persons-recommendations

21. What Families need to Do
•File a Missing Person Report with Police
•Designate contact reps (Police and Media)
•Contact family, friends, last know locations
•Handle jurisdiction changes
•Deal with missing person matters (Finances,
Property, Possessions, Medical, Employer, etc.)
•Manage triggers (Sightings, Remains, Psychics)
•Maintain relationship with Police and searchers
•Live with the ambiguity and uncertainty
•Find meaning and maintain hope
21

22. How does one learn to
ease the effects?
Guidelines for resiliency while having to live with
Ambiguous Loss: (Boss, 1999)
1. Find Meaning (look at values, beliefs, traditions)
2. Accept Uncertainty (make 2 opposing ideas into 1)
3. Reconstruct Identity (forced to change roles)
4. Normalize Ambivalence (as the new norm)
5. Revisit Attachment (celebrate the missing and mourn the changes)
6. Discover Hope (look at strengths, making it with the pain)
22

23. AFP Framework:
5 themes for working with
families of missing persons
1. Reanimation: move past “frozen”
2. A celebration so far: respond to loss
3. The trauma timeline: explore the impact
4. A protected place: safe place of pain
5. Opportunities for growth: living with loss
© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland
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24. 1. Re-animation
Move past “frozen”
Help families with their
sense of being frozen
to the time of their loved
one's disappearance.
Assist families to move
from their sense of
feeling “stuck”.
24

25. 2. A celebration so far
Respond to loss
Acknowledge and honour the family's relationship
with the missing person.
Facilitate families to find
an opportunity to respond
to the current loss of
their loved one.
25

26. 3. The trauma timeline
Explore the impact
of the disappearance,
as well as the accumulated
traumas that family or
the Missing Person
may have faced prior to
their loved one going
missing.
26

27. Triggers and Trauma
“Having a missing loved one is the most painful loss
of all.” (Dr. Pauline Boss, 1999)
Triggers can affect the emotional ups and downs:
• News, tips, or new leads
• Items found, but no physical evidence
• Possible sightings or remains found
• Significant dates, events, songs, smells, places, objects
• Other Missing Person stories, cases
• Mistaking a person you see or hear on the street
• Officer or Jurisdiction changes
The Trauma Timeline is an important aspect when
assessing the implications of the loss. Supporting those who are left behind,
Australian Federal Police (Sarah Wayland), 2007
27

28. 3. The trauma timeline – example
28

29. 4. A protected place
A safe place of pain
Co-construct with families a space where they
can acknowledge the
pain of “not knowing”
while still finding
ways to live life.
29

30. 5. Opportunities for growth
Living with loss
Explore ways in which families can live
with their loss,
rather than being
consumed by it.
30

31. *AFP Updated Support
Framework
Assist people to tolerate the unknown
* AFP- Australian Federal Police by Dr. Sarah Wayland and University of New England Research Team,
Armidale, NSW AU, Mar. 4, 2019
31

32. *AFP Guide for Families
and Friends
32
Produced by the National
Missing Persons Coordination
Centre (NMPCC) in consultation
with State and Territory Police
to provide the best possible
practical advice and
information.
* AFP- Australian Federal Police, Mar. 4, 2019

33. Info for Families
33
OPP Orillia, ON (Mail Code 4220 2018) VS Waterloo Region, ON (2015)

34. First Nations Experiential
Knowledge Circle / Learning Cycle
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Experiencing - Engagement in
"Real life" learning experience
Reflecting - Internalization of the
Experience
Making Meaning - Analysis of the
Experience
Acting - Application of Experience
to other Real Life Situations
Source: Experiential Knowledge Overview from the First Nations Pedagogy Online Project

35. What to Avoid as a Family
Support Facilitator
 Supporting the person from a grief
approach (like a traditional death)
 Focusing on advice or assumed cause
 Assuming every situation is the same
 Thinking newfound Hope remains
 Asking “How does that make you feel?”
 Using the word “Closure”
35

36. There is no “Closure”
36

37. There is no “Closure”
37
Coming Dec. 2021
Guidance for beginning to
cope with this lingering
distress, and even learn
how this time of pandemic
has taught us to tolerate
ambiguity, build resilience,
and emerge from crises
stronger than we were
before.

38. Support in COVID Times
38

39. Support:
Looks different to everyone
39
“Someone to really
listen…”
“Being present…”
“Just being there …”
…were by far the most
popular ways to
support someone

40. What you can Do to
Support Families
 Create and hold a safe space
 Learn that grief is “frozen” and is not a linear process
 Encourage to share story, call loved one by name and
educate on the importance of this
 Help build strategies to cope with tidal waves of emotion
 Help cope with the tough questions: the ‘why’, ‘what if’
and ‘should have’ from the family
 Help to recognize and build resilience
 Help externalize the loss to release blame and guilt
 Help find meaning in their experience of loss
 Help embrace the paradox and move forward with the
“good enough” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
40

41. What you can Do to Support
Families continued
 Listen more and do less
 Empower to see loss in a new way
 Hold multiple truths about the missing person
 Normalize the experience, feelings, and thoughts
 Work collaboratively with the families as equals
 Help build “… a new narrative that is less burdened with
negative attributions, which invoke guilt, shame, remorse,
or desire for retribution” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
 Use tasks as guidelines
 Focus on the impact of the loss
41

42. The Unique Needs of Those
Experiencing Ambiguous Loss
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Point of referral/contact for families
Initial support (Emotional, Missing Persons Report)
Practical support (Media, Search, Property, Finances)
Counselling (group, family, peer, individual)
Cope with triggers
Community tribute.
Need someone who will:
Listen, Empathize,
Communicate, Connect,
Be Present, Be Supportive,
Be Resourceful, Navigate.

43. 43
 Reduce stress - physically and emotionally.
 Acknowledge the pain of not knowing.
 Connect with others in your community who have
missing loved ones and know that you are not alone.
 Share what you are going through with family and
friends so they too can support you.
 Learn as much as you can to help you understand.
 Let the love of your missing loved one help guide
you on your journey of uncertainty.
Coping Suggestions for
Families

44. Family Perceptions of the Disappearance
44
Living in Limbo: The Experience of, and impacts on, the families of missing people, (pg. 30),
Lucy Holmes, Missing People UK, 2008.

45. Victim Services Skills
 Crisis Intervention (trauma informed)
 Help with urgent practical matters
 “Navigate” the systems and resources
 Referrals to other services/resources
 Create and hold a safe space
 Demonstrate Compassion, Kindness, Patience,
Empathetic Listening, Being Present
 PLUS: Understand Ambiguous Loss
45

46. How You Can Help
 Create and hold a safe space
 Be the needed point of referral for families
 Offer peace of mind for families that you are
there for them, especially when new triggers
 Help families to navigate through their
journey of uncertainty (be the Navigator)
 Support families, but don’t try to advise on
investigation or searches on behalf of Police
Listen - Empathize - Empower - Be Present
46

47. “Challenges” with Police
(from a Family Perspective)
 Not being taken serious by police in the
first instance
 Making sense of the entire situation -
understand the process and options
 Lifestyle bias and assumptions of the
disappearance
 Trust and/or credibility issues
 Lack of communications - not being kept
up to date, short or long term
47

48. How Police Can Help -
to Improve Relationship with Families
 Take the Missing Persons Report
 Make a Communication Agreement with family contacts
 Conduct consistent, transparent Missing Person Practises
 Have a point of contact for Investigations and Searches
 Inform families of Victim Services/other Support Services
 Provide Reporting on Missing Persons
(as part of Annual Statistics/Trends)
 Understand the uncertainty and triggers families face
 Be there for the families and the missing person
48

49. Ontario’s Missing Persons Act,
2018 in effect July 1, 2019
50

50. Living and Learning on my
Ambiguous Loss Journey
“Loss of a missing loved one is often a lonely and an
untrodden path for each of us who has to walk it.” *
Accept and find meaning
in my uncertainty.
Care for myself first.
Learn to develop resilience.
Continue to discover Hope.
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* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

51. 51
What Helped Me
 Connecting with other families with a missing loved one
 Learning about Ambiguous Loss
 Sharing my story and asking “What would Daniel want?”
 Knowing I’m not Crazy, it’s the Situation!
 Peer Support Group

52. Humour and Balance
52

53. Recap and Q & A
 Ambiguous Loss is an uncertain/unclear loss
 Triggers can impact the journey
 I’m not “crazy”, it’s the situation
 Each situation is unique and individual
 Families need support (someone to listen)
 Families need a “Navigator”
 It’s about finding meaning and hope
 “Closure” is a myth, families want answers
 Why? How this work creates impact.
Any moments or thoughts? Questions?
53

54. From me to each of you:
54
Maureen Trask: trasker@rogers.com
Links to the Presentation and Resource Materials have been emailed.
“Thanks”
Hope for the Best,
Prepare for the Worst,
and NEVER GIVE-UP.