This keynote for the TESL Niagara Conference 2014 was teacher training lesson on a quick and dirty method for teaching anyone to speak English with the Thompson Vowel Chart from the back of a business card and an elastic band. First, participants had to throw out (or at least relegate to a back burner) everything they thought they knew about English and how to teach it. We started from scratch using only features of English that are always true and the information students already know - their name, the alphabet and colors. The 1 hour presentation trotted out a system for teaching speaking to students of all levels and provides students with the tools they need to figure out pronunciation without a teacher present. A good time was had by all!