This document summarizes a presentation on fostering self-compassion in youth as an alternative to self-esteem. It outlines some pitfalls to emphasizing self-esteem, such as relational aggression, ego defensiveness, narcissism, and instability. The concept of self-compassion is then discussed, drawing from Buddhism, psychology research, and the work of Kristin Neff. Key characteristics of self-compassion include kindness, common humanity, and mindful acceptance. Benefits of self-compassion for youth include improved emotional well-being, sense of belonging, and ability to cope with academic failures. The document concludes with self-compassion practices and suggestions for further reading.

1. Self Compassion Presentation
Karen Cotta, Social Work Intern at TCC
“An Alternative to Self-Esteem: Fostering Self-Compassion in Youth”
By James Persinger
Pitfalls to emphasizing self-esteem:
a) Nonproductive patterns of social comparison → relational aggression and downward social
comparisons.
Bullying – “Bullies are just as likely to have high self-esteem as others. Picking on other people is
one of the key ways they can feel strong and superior. People with high self-esteem tend to be
cliquish….and are just as prejudiced, if not more so, than those who dislike themselves…..
[They] also engage in socially undesirable behavior such as cheating on tests just as often as
people with low self-esteem do.” – Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion
b) Ego defensiveness → kids dismissing negative feedback,trivializing failures, or attributing
them to external causes. Result is that individuals are less motivated to improve and take on less
personal responsibility for harmful actions.
c) Narcissism → need for constant bolstering and social validation, needing to feel above average
and special and see others as obstacles to our success has led to increased feelings of social
isolation (Facebook?)
d) Instability → contingent upon self-worth which fluctuates in response to external events,
makes kids more vulnerable to depression
Self-Compassion: A Newfangled trend?
a) Buddhism - Compassion
b) Richard Rogers – Unconditional Positive Regard
c) Albert Ellis – Unconditional Self-acceptance
d) Deciand Ryan- Self-Determination Theory – relatedness or belonging is an innate, universal
need in humans while relatedness has been connected to intrinsic motivation, social development,
well-being, and a variety of other important outcomes
e) Kristin Neff – Self-Compassion as a necessary precursor to compassion for others and means of
improved mental health (Associate Professor of human developmental at University of Texas and
mother of a son with autism)

2. Key Characteristics ofSelfCompassion
Kindness involves understanding one’s difficulties and being kind and warm in the face of failure or
setbacks rather than harshly judgmental and self-critical.
Common humanity involves seeing one’s experiences as part of the human condition rather than as
personal, isolating, and shaming.
Mindful acceptance involves mindful awareness and acceptance of painful thoughts and feelings, rather
than over-identifying with them. (Gilbert and Procter,2006, p. 358)
Corollaries ofSelfCompassion – Howit supports the development ofchildren into healthy, mature
adults
a) Emotional well-being – less anxiety, depression, rumination, thought suppression, and
perfectionism. Greater happiness optimism, positive affect,wisdom, curiosity and exploration,
and personal initiative
b) Reflection on belongingness
c) Holding negative emotions in mindful awareness
d) Generating Kindness towards oneself and focusing on interconnectedness
e) Adults are more open to thoughts and feelings of children in their care
f) Promotes healthy interaction and thought patterns
g) Students are more adaptive in coping with academic failures and see them proportionally
h) Promotes self-confidence in one’s ability to learn as it focuses more on mastery and the joy of
learning than performance
“Self-Compassion”
by Emma Seppala
Scientific Support:
 Harsh criticism activates the sympathetic nervous system and elevates stress hormones (e.g.
cortisol) Learning is impaired
 Self-compassion – may trigger the mammalian care-giving system and hormones of affiliation
and love (oxytocin) – we can see the lesson in front of us
Testimony from professionals in the field:
a) Prevent burnout and serve longer (Bonnie Thorn, fundraiser for humanitarian agencies serving
the homeless children, disadvantaged youth and prostitutes)
b) Increase effectiveness – approach advocacy from a place of love and harmony (Estelle Higonnet,
lawyer and Human Rights Watch)

3. c) Prevent compassion fatigue and work-a-holism (Carole Pertofsky, head of health promotion at
Stanford University)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Self-Compassion Practices
1) Give yourself a hug – your body doesn’t know the difference between someone else giving you a
hug and you giving yourself a hug. Oxytocin is still released. This is a good practice any time
you feellonely or isolated.
2) Write yourself a letter: Take the perspective of being a compassionate friend, so you can
imagine that you are this other person. Ask yourself, "What would a compassionate and
kind friend say to me right now? What would his or her words be?" Later, come back and
read the letter, and receive it from yourself.
3) Write down your Self-talk: If you are self-criticizing because your jeans don't fit or you
said the wrong thing in a situation, write down the self-critical words that come to mind,
and then ask if you would ever say these words to a friend. What would a friend say?
4) Develop a Self-Compassion mantra: Neff suggests developing something that is easily
memorized, so that when something difficult happens you can go to your phrases. These
are not positive affirmations but reminders. Here is the self-compassion she developed
for herself:
This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment; may I give
myself the compassion that I need.
*Neff's son has autism, and when he would have a tantrum in public, she would
immediately turn to her self-compassion mantra, partly as a focus for her mind but also
because what she needed most at that moment was emotional support for herself, so she
could deal with the situation calmly and with more grace.
Suggestions for Further Reading:
Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Kristin Neff.
Teaching Compassion: Humane Education in Early Childhood. Mary Renck Jalongo, Ed.