Relationship conflicts can either escalate or resolve. Escalation involves talking over each other, voices rising in volume, antagonistic language, and physiological arousal with the goal of winning the argument. Resolution involves taking turns listening, seeking to understand each other's perspectives, avoiding absolutes, and collaboratively finding a solution with the goal of mutual understanding rather than defeat of the other person. Real resolution is achieved through genuinely understanding each other's valid positions and feelings, which fosters willingness to compromise in a sustainable way.

1. Relationship Conflict at a Glance
Jonathan E. Hart, LPC
Escalation v.s Resolution
Copyright: Jonathan E. Hart, LPC 2015

2. Relationship Conflict at a Glance
Escalation
• Talking over each other
• Getting MY point across
• Voices rise in volume as we
compete to be heard
• Physiological responses
– Heart rate increase
– Muscle tension
– Physical agitation: need to
move or act physically
• Language becomes
antagonistic and absolute
• Statements that define the
other: “You’re
just/always/never…”
Resolution
• Taking turns listening
• Hearing and trying to
understand YOUR point
• Voices need not become
raised because each is being
heard out in turn
• Physiological responses
– Heart rate increase
– Muscle tension is less
– Physical agitation is less
• Resisting absolutes and
accusations
• Self-descriptive statements: “I
think/feel/hear…”
Copyright: Jonathan E. Hart, LPC 2015

3. Relationship Conflict at a Glance
Escalation
• Goal is to win/be right
• Argument never actually ends,
but keeps coming back up.
• We have to agree, or someone
has to change/ lose /
acquiesce.
• We become enemies.
• “Agree to Disagree” only works
short-term, and creates Dead
Spaces in which we cannot
connect, ever.
Resolution
• Goal is to understand and be
understood.
• Conversation concludes when
we gain understanding.
• The Enemy is “That Which
Would Divide Us”.
• Subject may come back up,
but is reduced in intensity and
emotional turbulence
• Agreement is not
necessary to Real
Resolution!!
Copyright: Jonathan E. Hart, LPC 2015

4. Relationship Conflict at a Glance
Escalation
• Compromise is used to
force a false resolution that
cannot last because it is
based on the thought that
“everybody loses a little”.
• Change in one or the other
is often reluctant and
unsustainable because we
lack knowledge of the cause
or need.
• Leads to resentment and a
sense of unfairness.
Resolution
• Compromise comes AFTER
Real Resolution, and grows
out of mutual knowledge &
participation.
• Change in each person is
voluntary because it is
based on knowledge,
kindness and affection.
• The “fight” is over when we
are working together
toward a solution based on
understanding.
Copyright: Jonathan E. Hart, LPC 2015

5. Relationship Conflict at a Glance
• Real Resolution is achieved when we
genuinely and deeply Understand each other’s
position, thoughts, and feelings, and can
acknowledge them as valid, even though we
may not agree.
• With this Understanding comes a willingness
to work together and move toward a solution
that is not forced or demanded, but organic to
each participant, and therefore sustainable.
Copyright: Jonathan E. Hart, LPC 2015