A guide to those struggling with domestic violence. Your struggle is real do not deny your pain. A trap was set for you this trap is domestic violence. No enters into this willingly it is not your fault that you ended up here. Stop looking for questions, start looking for answers this article will help!

1. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month:
Domestic Violence is Real
By Julie Federico
Octoberis Domestic Violence awareness month. I don’t think one month is
enough time to shed a lot of light on domestic violence,it is a very complex
issue. But in light of this month’s celebration I wanted to offerhope to
women living with domesticviolence. If hope can be found when your life
has been turned upside down and you can not really tell anyone what is
going on.
The people who say domestic violence is not real are the same people who
say the Holocoust was a hoax. Domestic violence is real, the pain is real,
the chaos and dysfunctionequally as real. It is unfortunately true, it is all
too real. I think when you admit out loud that it is real, you can begin to
acceptthe current situation, and then mostimportantly begin to change it.
You need to think only in these simple terms and not shovel grief, regret,
and guilt on yourself. Many women spend so much time trying to answer
the peacefulsleep interrupted question, “How did I get here? How did I not
see this coming?” Thatthey lose sight of the more important question,
“Why am I staying?” Don’t spend too much time trying to answer questions
that will not benefityou greatly. At this time you need to conserve your
energies,don't look backwards only look forward. Where do you want to
be next Christmas morning, do you want to wake up to a peacefulholiday?
Or more of the same dysfunction?
Abuse is calculated and you were groomed to acceptthis completely
inappropriate behavior that you are living with now. It started with many
small acts that sacrificed and ignored your needs.At first it is so easy to
dismiss this behavior. For example you never get to eat at the restaurants
that you like, only the restaurants that he likes. This theme goes to you
trying to turn up the heat in the car while you are driving. He turns it off and
says, “You are not cold.” Each of these things in isolation is not cause for
alarm. In an abusive relationship this behavior will lead to other

2. inappropriate behaviors more damaging. What the abuser is doing is
baiting you. He is sending out small problems to you, not eating at your
restaurant, not allowing you to use the heater. He does these intentional
low lying behaviors then watches your response. To your credityou
probably just thought this issue was about the heat in the car, right? It isn’t
but at the beginning you would not know this. It is not until you educate
yourself about abusers behavior that you start to see how you were led into
this abusive relationship. It was task by task, item by item. No one meets
someone forthe first time, goes out to a nice dinner and gets beaten up on
the way home. This would be waaay too easy. All of your self protective
syrians would be ringing at full speed. You would get out of the car and
say, “I never want to see you again!” The abuser knows this intuitively they
are an expert witness at human behavior. At the beginning abusers are
hands down some of the mostcharming people you can meet. They
appear like the boy next door and will do anything for you. There is no
standard timetable on when this changes, it just changes over time.
Abusers are very patient while they create the seeminglyperfectlife with
you only to turn the tables later. If none of your needs ever get met and
there is an unbalance of power in your relationship you are in an abusive
relationship. You may wake up everyday upset and unable to identify what
is bothering you. Think of the unbalance of power, how as a couple you are
always working to meethis endless need list. Your needs never make the
cut, this makes people feelanxious and unloved. You are not crazy, you
are living in an unhealthy relationship. I think you should put this on a post
it note in your office. So oftenthe abuser wants you to believe you are
crazy, this absorbs them of any wrongdoing. Seeing small things like this
can make a big difference in your thinking. It can lead you on the path to
wellness.
You should not spend your time changing something that does not need to
be changed. Domestic violence needs to be changed, domestic violenceis
not fair to those in its ugly web. The damage that it does to children is life
changing. If you have young daughters you are training them to acceptthis
type of behavior in their future relationships. If you have boys you are
grooming them to be junior abusers. Either of these things are enough for

3. women to make changes to leave. Many times women can not make
changes for themselves because they have fallen into the belief of their
abuser that their life and their needs are worth nothing. I say if you feel into
this belief,in time you can fall out of it.
“You are special too, don’t lose yourself.” Ernest Hemingway
Before women can even begin to think about leaving they have to take
stock of their relationship. They have to see the abuser as calculated
and completely intentional in his behavior. Their favorite trick is to get
you to believe that your life and your needs are not important. They
work to get you to this point by repeated abuse, but then in time they can
back off because you believe this to your core. They step back, smile at
their twisted work and silently celebrate that you are seeing yourself as
worthless. Don’t fall into this trap and it is a very large, tight, deadly trap.
Step back, become an observer in your own life and see things from a
different perspective. When you become more objective you will start to
see what is really going on. It is not good news, don’t freak out. Just
become aware, notice things, start to accept your reality. Don’t try to
change what is happening in your house, I think this is a waste of your
precious energy. Abusers don't’ change, you can change, you can live
happily ever after. For next steps visit www.domesticshelters.org for life
changing resources. You are not alone there is a team of people waiting
by the phone for you:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
For the month of October I am offering Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT at a
significantdiscounton my website: www.juliefederico.com