This document discusses the importance of showing rather than telling in personal essays and application essays. It provides 10 examples of student writing, with annotations explaining whether each example shows or tells. The examples that are marked as "showing" provide specific, descriptive details about experiences, while those marked as "telling" lack such details and specifics. The document advocates using concrete examples and details from one's own life in order to demonstrate qualities and experiences, rather than just stating them generally.

1. TELLING VS SHOWING Writing the Application
Essay

2. TELLING VS SHOWING 1
A major issue I have is with revising
and editing. I suspect many students
have this problem.

3. TELLING 1
In this example, the student did not provide
any specific examples of her problems with
editing or revising and assumed (without cause
or proof) that other students have the same
(unexplained) problems.

4. TELLING VS SHOWING 2
It is important to be honest and
trustworthy, and of course, I am both.

5. TELLING 2
Again, this student did not provide any proof
that he is honest or trustworthy. Why should be
just simply take your word for it?

6. TELLING VS SHOWING 3
I realized I had trouble supporting my
ideas when my instructor wrote,
“Needs more supporting details” on
two of my papers.

7. SHOWING 3
This example is fantastic! It provides a specific
example of a time when the student struggled
and what she did to correct the problem

8. TELLING VS SHOWING 4
After volunteering at my church with
homeless people, now I speak directly
to and make eye contact with
homeless people when I see them on
the street. I no longer just ignore
them.

9. SHOWING 4
This student does a great job of self-analysis.
The student is reflecting on what she does
differently now after her experience with people
who are different from her. It shows growth and
change. The self-analysis section of your essay
is extremely difficult to capture, but by using
specific examples, you can make your essay
stand out above the rest.

10. TELLING VS SHOWING 5
When I was at a loss for ideas for my
English essay, I turned to my Writer’s
Notebook where I had been writing
down all my ideas about the benefits
of graduating from college.

11. SHOWING 5
This student has provided a specific scenario
with her specific reaction and response to her
stress. She is proving that she is a hard-
working and dedicated student who knows how
to study and actually be a college student.

12. TELLING VS SHOWING 6
I like to think life approaches you with
certain people, events, and places for
specific reasons. The culture I was
born into, the environment in which I
grew up in, and my family are some of
the leading factors that have shaped
me into being the independent
teenager I am now.

13. TELLING 6
There are far too many things crammed into
this sentence with no specific examples at all. It
is too vague with no specific details about how
the student changed or grew because of the
experience.

14. TELLING VS SHOWING 7
When my friend asked if he could copy
my homework, instead of simply
giving it to him, I told him how I went
to tutoring for help, and then I walked
with him to the Learning Center.

15. SHOWING 7
This sentence is a phenomenal expression of
honesty and integrity. The student hasn’t even
said that he is honest. The truth lies in his
example!

16. TELLING VS SHOWING 8
I was poking around in places I
shouldn’t be and found a door that
just so happened to be unlocked. I
cracked it open and found myself with
a bunch of IT workers working on their
computers, and since I was already
inside the room, I decided to ask a few
questions out of curiosity because I’ve
always been interested in computers.

17. SHOWING 8
The details of this example are so amazing. The
descriptive adjectives and verbs make the
reader actually feel like he or she is sneaking
around with the writer. There is just enough
intrigue to draw the reader in, but not so much
that the reader feels uneasy or awkward.

18. TELLING VS SHOWING 9
Growing up differently than the rest of
my peers was definitely a struggle but
learning to embrace the unique
qualities of my personality molded me
into becoming the strong,
independent young woman I am
growing towards now.

19. TELLING 9
This sentence is unfortunately like most stock
application essays. It seems interesting on the
surface, but it doesn’t really give any insight
into the writer’s personality or character. It is
cliché and ordinary with no specific details. It is
simply boring.

20. TELLING VS SHOWING 10
A homeless, six months pregnant
friend with cerebral palsy wanted me
to help her. I was in disbelief that she
would even ask me for help. How
could I possibly help someone else
when I needed help myself? My life
was already spinning out of control as
a single, uneducated mother working
to make ends meet.

21. SHOWING 10
This example is packed with a lot of WOW! It’s a
bit shocking and definitely out of the ordinary.
There are descriptive adjectives and verbs and
the writer makes the reader want to know more.