Presentation at the 4th annual Family Day, Missing People UK held July 30, 2016 by Maureen Trask, Waterloo, Ontario, Canada.

1. I’m not Crazy, It’s the Situation
Coping with A Missing Loved One
Presented by:
Maureen Trask
For: 2016 Family Day
On: Sat. July 30, 2016

2. Presentation Outline
1. My Journey – with a Missing Son
2. The Learning – Ambiguous Loss
3. How to COPE with this Crazy Situation
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3. 3
Daniel Trask
Missing Nov. 3, 2011 Found May 24, 2015

4. My Search For Help
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My search included seeking help from:
• Police, Family and Friends
• Other Families with Missing Loved Ones
• Grief and Loss Experts, Physician, Counsellors
• Support Groups and Peer Support Groups
• Victim Services, Trauma Informed Initiative
What I learned:
• No support services for families
with missing loved ones

5. Definitions
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Harm or distress that comes
from losing something or
someone
The feeling of grief
after losing
something or someone

6. What is Ambiguous Loss?
Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss
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Ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is
no verification of death or no certainty that the person will
come back or return to the way they used to be.
www.ambiguousloss.com

7. Ambiguous Loss is:
 Externally Caused
 Unclear, Uncertain Loss
 Senseless/Traumatic Loss
 Lacks “Closure”
 No Verification
 Freezes the Grief Process
 Like being “Stuck in Limbo”
 Paralyzes Individual and Family Relationships
 A Unique Individual Journey to “Find Meaning”
Boss, P. (2009). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psych, 59(2), 137-145.
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8. Types of Ambiguous Loss
1. Physically Absent-
Psychologically Present
2. Psychologically Absent-
Physically Present
 Adoption
 Migration
 Missing people
 Miscarriage and stillborn loss
 Natural disaster and
catastrophic tragedy
 Addictions
 Dementia and Alzheimer’s
 Mental health issues
 Separation/Divorce
 Traumatic brain injury or
coma
 There is no verification of death.
 There is no certainty that the person will come back
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9. Effects of Ambiguous Loss
(This Crazy Situation)
 Emotional rollercoaster and physical stress
 Changes families, relationships, roles and identity
 Can change spiritual beliefs or shatter values
 Can cause the most stressful kind of loss
Goals – Learn to:
 Live with the emotional tidal waves and adapt to
the changes that come with the loss
 Live with the ambiguity by developing meaning*
* Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press 9

10. Ours is a Different Type
of Grief
 No language
 No mourning rituals for good-bye
 A loss that lacks social
acknowledgement
 No “closure”, no certainty
 Denied the known means
of coping and grieving
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11. Frozen Grief is Different
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Uncertainty makes it difficult to
grieve, you don’t know what you
are grieving, your grief is frozen,
like “living in limbo”.
Cope: Deal effectively with
something difficult.
Effective coping involves
oscillation between coping with
loss and coping with stress.

12. COPE – Pessimistic
Tending to see the worst aspect of things
or believe that the worst will happen
Change
Crippled, Confused, Cheated, Cheezed Off,
Complicated, Controlled, Closed, Critical,
Cynical, Crazy, Chaos, Cold
Our
Obsessed, Overanxious, Overloaded,
Outraged, Ornery, Oblivious, Odd, Off
Pessimistic
Panic, Pain, Pressure, Perturbed, Peeved,
Perplexed, Puzzled, Pulverized, Played,
Powerless, Punished
Emotions
Empty, Embarrassed, Emotional, Erratic,
Enraged, Exhausted, Extreme, Exposed 12

13. COPE - Optimistic
Hopeful and confident about the future
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Change
Calm, Comfort, Cherish, Compassion,
Constructive, Control, Creative,
Continue, Caring, Centered, Cry
Our
Open minded, Okay, Objective, Organized,
Observant,
Pessimistic
Peace, Passionate, Plans, Patient, Persuasive,
Pleased, Powerful, Proactive, Productive,
Promise, Propelled, Practical
Emotions
Empowered, Effective, Elastic, Encouraged,
Energized, Engaged, Empathetic, Examine,
Enlightened

14. Ways to Cope
 Reach out to others
 Accept the uncertainty
 Care for yourself first
 Find balance in your life
 Think in a “both and” way
 Share your story, when you are ready
 Educate yourself, develop resiliency
 Maintain family relationships
 Continue to discover Hope 14

15. Triggers and Trauma
 “Having a missing loved one is the most painful
loss of all.” (Dr. Pauline Boss, 1999)
 The *Trauma Timeline is an important aspect when
assessing the implications of the loss
 Triggers can affect the emotional ups and downs
 The goal for all of us is to remain unflappable in the
midst of ambiguity, though no easy task.
Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
*Supporting those who are left behind, Australian Federal Police (Sarah Wayland), 2007 15

16. What Helped Me
 Connecting with other families with a missing loved one
 Learning about Ambiguous Loss
 Sharing my story
 Knowing I’m not Crazy, it’s the Situation!
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17. Living and Learning on my
Journey of Uncertainty
“Loss of a missing loved one is often a lonely
and an untrodden path for each of us who
has to walk it.” *
 Accept and find meaning
in my uncertainty.
 Care for myself first.
 Learn to develop resilience.
 Continue to discover Hope.
17* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

18. From me to each of you:
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