Nov. 7, 2017 presentation to the Volunteers of Victim Services Wellington about Ambiguous Loss to support families with missing loved ones. Presented by Maureen Trask.

1. Ambiguous Loss
Supporting families with
missing loved ones
Presented by:
Maureen Trask
For: Volunteers of Victim
Services Wellington
Tues. Nov. 7, 2017
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2. Learning Objectives
 Understand ambiguous loss
 Support the families left behind
 Reflect on family experiences
 Recap and Q&A
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3. 3
Daniel Trask
Missing Nov. 3, 2011 Found May 24, 2015

4. What is Ambiguous Loss?
Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss
and Dr. Gloria Horsley, founder and president of Open to Hope Fdn,
discuss Ambiguous Loss at the annual Association of Death Education
and Counseling (ADEC) Conference, 2011.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vYyefAgZ0
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5. Types of Ambiguous Loss
1. Physically Absent-
Psychologically Present
2. Psychologically Absent-
Physically Present
 Adoption
 Migration
 Missing people
 Miscarriage and stillborn loss
 Natural disaster and
catastrophic tragedy
 Addictions
 Dementia and Alzheimer’s
 Mental health issues
 Separation/Divorce
 Traumatic brain injury or coma
 There is no verification of death.
 There is no certainty that the person will come back
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6. How to ease its effects
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Guidelines for resiliency while having to live
with ambiguous loss: (Boss, 1999)
1. Find Meaning (look at values, beliefs, traditions)
2. Accept Uncertainty (make 2 opposing ideas into 1)
3. Reconstruct Identity (forced to change roles)
4. Normalize Ambivalence (as the new norm)
5. Revisit Attachment (celebrate the missing and mourn the changes)
6. Discover Hope (look at strengths, making it with the pain)

7. Manage the contradictions
Take two opposing ideas, make into one
 I am both sad - and still happy
 I am both alone - and still connected
 I am both powerless - and still empowered
 I am both frozen - and still transforming
 I am both doubtful - and still hopeful
 I am both burdened - and still grateful
 My loved one is both gone - and still here
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8. Effects of Ambiguous Loss
 Emotional rollercoaster and physical stress
 Changes families, relationships, roles and identity
 Can change spiritual beliefs
 Tend to withdraw/isolate self or be angry
Goal:
Learn to live with the emotional tidal waves.
Learn to live with and adapt to the changes that
come with the loss AND learn to live with the
ambiguity by developing meaning. (Boss, 1999)
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press 8

9. Why does it matter?
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Ambiguous loss:
 Freezes the grief process
 Paralyzes couple and family functioning
 Prevents “closure”
 Families can name it
(Ambiguous Loss)
 Families need support
(I’m not crazy, it’s the situation)

10. AFP Supporting those who
are left behind
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© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland

11. * Framework – Working
with those left behind
5 themes for working specifically with families
of missing persons:
1. Reanimation: move past “frozen”
2. A celebration so far: respond to loss
3. The trauma timeline: explore the impact
4. A protected place: safe place of pain
5. Opportunities for growth: living with loss
© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland 11

12. Framework
1. Reanimation
Move past “frozen”
 Help families with their
sense of being frozen
to the time of their loved
one's disappearance
 Assist families to move
from their sense of
feeling ‘stuck‘.
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13. Framework
2. A celebration so far
Respond to the loss
 Acknowledge and honour the family's relationship
with the missing person
 Facilitate families to find
an opportunity to respond
to the current loss of their
loved one.
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14. Framework
3. The Trauma Timeline
Explore the impact
 of the disappearance
as well as the
accumulated traumas
families may have
faced prior to their
loved one going
missing.
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15. Triggers and Trauma
 “Having a missing loved one is the most painful
loss of all.” (Dr. Pauline Boss, 1999)
 The *Trauma Timeline is an important aspect when
assessing the implications of the loss
 Triggers can affect the emotional ups and down
- Possible Sightings
- Remains Found
- News, tips and leads
- Some item(s) found, but no physical evidence
*Supporting those who are left behind, Australian Federal Police (Sarah Wayland), 2007
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16. The Trauma Timeline
16© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland

17. Framework
4. A protected place
Safe place of pain
 Co-construct a space where families can
acknowledge the
pain of not knowing
while still finding
ways to live life.
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18. Framework
5. Opportunities for growth
Living with ambiguous loss
 Explore ways in which families can live
with their loss,
rather than being
consumed by it.
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19. Services (Support)
Support looks different to everyone
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* Someone to really listen
* Being present
* Just being there
were by far the most popular
ways to support someone.

20. How You Can Help
 Be the needed point of referral for families
 Offer peace of mind for families that you are
there for them, especially when new triggers
 Help enable families to navigate through
their journey of uncertainty
 Support families, but don’t try to advise on
investigation or searches on behalf of Police
 Listen - Empathize - Empower - Be Present 26

21. Challenges with Police
(from a Family Perspective)
 Not being taken serious by police in the
first instance
 Making sense of the entire situation -
understand the process and options
 Lifestyle bias and assumptions of the
disappearance
 Lack of communications - not being kept
up to date, short or long term 25

22. Living and Learning on my
Ambiguous Loss Journey
 “Loss of a missing loved one is often a
lonely and an untrodden path for each of
us who has to walk it.” *
 Can I learn to live with
this loss?
 How do I get closure?
 How do I get support?
22* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

23. Recap and Q & A
 Ambiguous Loss is an uncertain loss
 Triggers can impact the journey (traumatic)
 Each situation is unique and individual
 Families need support and resources
 It’s about finding meaning and hope
 “Closure” is a myth, families want answers
and resolution
Any moments or thoughts? Questions?
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24. From me to each of you:
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Maureen Trask: trasker@rogers.com
Support for Us – Families with
Missing Loved Ones (FB page)
Links to the Presentation and
Resource Materials will be emailed.