Feb. 3, 2015 Presentation on Ambiguous Loss for the volunteers at Victim Services, Niagara, Ontario, Canada.

1. Ambiguous Loss
Supporting families with
missing loved ones
Presented by:
Maureen Trask
For:
Victim Services Niagara
Volunteers
Tues. Feb. 3, 2015
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2. Introductions
Why am I here?
My story and real life experience
(journey) of Ambiguous Loss
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3. 3Missing since Nov. 3, 2011
Daniel Trask

4. Learning Objectives
 Understand ambiguous loss
 How to support families left behind
 Reflecting on my experience
 Q&A
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5. So what is Ambiguous Loss?
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 A loss that occurs without closure or understanding
 Leaves a person searching for answers
 thus complicates and delays the process of grieving
 Often results in unresolved grief, frozen, living in limbo.

6. Let’s hear from
Dr. Pauline Boss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vYyefAgZ0
Dr. Pauline Boss and Dr. Gloria Horsley
discuss Ambiguous Loss at the annual
ADEC (Association of Death Education
and Counseling) conference, 2011.
Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss
Dr. Gloria Horsley, Open to Hope Foundation, founder and president
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7. 1. How does it differ from
ordinary loss?
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 There is no verification of death.
 There is no certainty that the person will come
back or return to the way they used to be.

8. 2. Why does it matter?
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Ambiguous loss:
 Freezes the grief process
 Paralyzes couple and family functioning
 Prevents closure
 Families can name it
 Families need support

9. 3. How does one ease its
effects?
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Guidelines for resiliency while having to live
with ambiguous loss: (Boss, 1999)
1. Find Meaning (look at values, beliefs, traditions)
2. Accept Uncertainty (make 2 opposing ideas into 1)
3. Reconstruct Identity (forced to change roles)
4. Normalize Ambivalence (as the new norm)
5. Revisit Attachment (celebrate the missing and mourn the changes)
6. Discover Hope (look at strengths, making it with the pain)

10. 4. What are the types of
Ambiguous Loss?
Physically Absent-
Psychologically Present
Psychologically Absent-
Physically Present
 Adoption
 Migration
 Missing people
 Miscarriage and stillborn loss
 Natural disaster and
catastrophic tragedy
 Addictions
 Dementia and Alzheimer’s
 Mental health issues
 Separation/Divorce
 Traumatic brain injury or coma
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11. Manage the contradictions
Take two opposing ideas (both – and),
make into one
 I am both sad - and still happy
 I am both alone - and still connected
 I am both powerless - and still empowered
 I am both frozen - and still transforming
 I am both doubtful - and still hopeful
 I am both burdened - and still grateful
 Daniel is both gone - and still here
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12. Effects of Ambiguous Loss
 Emotional rollercoaster
 Changes families, relationships, roles and identity
 Can change spiritual beliefs
 Tend to withdraw/isolate self
Goal:
Learn to live with the emotional tidal waves.
Learn to live with and adapt to the changes that
come with the loss AND learn to live with the
ambiguity by developing meaning. (Boss, 1999)
12Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press

13. Ambiguous Loss Recap
 Traumatic Loss (Boss, 2009)
 Externally Caused (Boss, 2009)
 Unclear Loss (Boss, 1999)
 Senseless Loss (Boss, 2009)
 Lacks Closure
 Frozen Grief/being Stuck in Limbo (Boss, 1999)
 An Individual Journey
Boss, P. (2009). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psych, 59(2), 137-145. doi:
10.1007/s11089-009-0264-0
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press
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14. AFP Supporting those who
are left behind
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© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland

15. * Framework – Working
with those left behind
5 themes for working specifically with families
of missing persons:
1. Reanimation: move past “frozen”
2. A celebration so far: respond to loss
3. The trauma timeline: explore the impact
4. A protected place: safe place of pain
5. Opportunities for growth: living with loss
© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland 14

16. Framework
1. Reanimation
Move past “frozen”
 Help families with their
sense of being frozen
to the time of their loved
one's disappearance
 Assist families to move
from their sense of
feeling ‘stuck‘.
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17. Framework
2. A celebration so far
Respond to the loss
 Acknowledge and honour the family's relationship
with the missing person
 Facilitate families to find
an opportunity to respond
to the current loss of their
loved one.
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18. Framework
3. The Trauma Timeline
Explore the impact
 of the disappearance
as well as the
accumulated traumas
families may have
faced prior to their
loved one going
missing.
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19. The Trauma Timeline
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© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,
National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland

20. Framework
4. A protected place
Safe place of pain
 Co-construct a space where families can
acknowledge the
pain of not knowing
while still finding
ways to live life.
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21. Framework
5. Opportunities for growth
Living with ambiguous loss
 Explore ways in which families can live
with their loss,
rather than being
consumed by it.
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22. Services (Support)
Support looks different to everyone
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* Someone to really listen
* Being present
* Just being there
were by far the most popular
ways to support someone.

23. As a facilitator …
 Educate that grief is not a linear process
 Encourage to share story, call loved one by name and educate on importance of this
 Help build strategies to cope with tidal waves of emotion
 Help cope with the tough questions: the ‘why’, ‘what if’ and ‘should of
 Help to recognize and build resilience
 Help externalize the loss to release blame and guilt
 Help find meaning in their experience of loss
 “Help embrace the paradox & move forward with the ‘good enough’” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
 Listen more and do less
 Empower to see loss in a new way
 Hold multiple truths about the missing person
 Normalize the experience, feelings, and thoughts
 Work collaboratively with the client(s) with a lowered hierarchy
 Help build “… a new narrative that is less burdened with negative attributions, which
invoke guilt, shame, remorse, or desire for retribution” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)
 Use tasks as guidelines
Boss, P., & Carnes, D. (2012). The myth of closure. Family Processes, x(x), doi: 10.1111/famp.12005
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24. What not to say …
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25. Living and Learning on my
Ambiguous Loss journey
 “Loss of a missing loved one is often a
lonely and an untrodden path for each of
us who has to walk it.” *
 Can I learn to live with
this loss?
 How do I get closure?
 How do I get support?
25* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

26. Humour - Balance
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27. Challenges with Police -
For the Families
 Not being taken serious by police
in the first instance
 Making sense of the entire situation
 Not blaming self for the disappearance
 Not being kept up to date, short or long
term, as case progresses
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28. What Can You Do?
 Be point of referral for families
 Offer peace of mind for Police that the needs of
families are being addressed
 Keep lines of communication open between
Police and families
 Don’t try to conduct investigation on behalf of Police
 Listen
 Empathize
 Communicate
 Be Present
 Be Supportive 26

29. NRPS Weekend Calls
Fri. Jan. 23 (5pm) - Mon. Jan. 26 (9am) 2015
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30. Q & A
 Any questions?
 Any moments or thoughts?
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31. Resources
 Dr. Pauline Boss www.ambiguousloss.com
 Australian Federal Police (AFP)
National Counselling Framework
www.missingpersons.gov.au/education--training/working-with-
families/supporting-those-who-are-left-behind.aspx
 Full version AFP Support Workbook
www.missingpersons.gov.au/~/media/MP/Files/PDFs/Supporting%20tho
se%20who%20are%20left%20behind.ashx
www.afp.gov.au/~/media/afp/pdf/2/24-25-new-national-counselling-framework.ashx
 Presentation and Reference Materials
 Networking with Police and Agencies
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32. Thank You !
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Maureen Trask: trasker@rogers.com
Support for Us – Families with
Missing Loved Ones (FB page)