Finding your voice; Elaboration in expository writing techniques for middle school ELA students

Finding Your Voice
Introduction
Writer’s Workshop

Writing Territories
• Think about things that are important to you.
• What topics do you enjoy learning more about?
• Do you participate in any special activities?
• What do you enjoy spending your time doing?
• What kind of books do you enjoy reading?
• Sports you like to participate in or watch.
• Do you have any special talents?
• Interesting people you have met or would like to meet.
• A special pet.
• An object that is important to you
• The kind of movie you enjoy watching
These are just a few ideas of what you might want to have in your
“Writing Territories.”

Writing Territories
Make a list of twenty topics or issues
that you would like to write about this
year. Your “Writing Territories” will
be part of your Writing Notebook. You
will be able to add topics and issues as
you discover new interest.

Heart Map
Directions: Using your Writing Territories starting from the
center organize your topics from most important in the center to less
important as you get to the outer borders of your Heart Map.

Baseline Essay
• You will be writing a multi paragraph essay to one of the following
grade level prompts.
• You will complete this assignment by the end of the period.
6th Grade Prompt:
Today you can change places with anyone you would like to be. This
person can be real or imaginary, from the past or the present. Write
a letter to your teacher that explains why you would like to change
places with this person.
7th Grade Prompt:
If you could choose anywhere in the world to travel where would you
go? Explain why you would choose that place.

Copyright © 2007 Washington Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction. All rights reserved.
Expository vs. Persuasive Writing
What is the difference?

Expository vs. Persuasive –
Sorting Group Activity
1. Sort your envelope of cards into two columns titled
“Expository Writing” and “Persuasive Writing.”
2. Try to come to agreement in your group.
3. Be prepared to defend your choice with evidence
from the card.
4. If you finish before the rest of the class, match up the
persuasive characteristic with its expository partner.

Expository vs. Persuasion
• Expository writing
– has a narrow topic.
– stays focused on the
main ideas.
– is elaborated using
reasons, well-chosen
and specific details,
examples, and/or
anecdotes to support
ideas.
• Persuasive writing
– has a clear position and
is focused on that
position.
– has more than one
argument to support a
position.
– is elaborated by using
reasons, well-chosen
and specific details,
examples, anecdotes,
facts, and/or statistics as
evidence to support
arguments.

– includes information
that is interesting,
thoughtful, and
necessary for the
audience.
– uses transitions to
connect ideas.
– is organized to make
the best case for my
position.
– uses transitions to
connect position,
arguments, and
evidence.

– is organized with an
introduction,
supporting paragraphs
with main points and
elaboration, and an
effective conclusion.
– is organized to make
the best case with an
opening, including the
position statement,
and an effective
persuasive conclusion,
such as a call to
action.
– anticipates and refutes
the opposing position.

– shows care about the
topic with voice and
language appropriate
for the audience.
– uses specific words
and phrases that help
the reader understand
ideas.
– shows commitment to
position with voice and
language appropriate
for the audience.
– uses specific words,
phrases, and
persuasive strategies
that urge or compel to
support a position.

Expository Example
• Expository writing is explaining.
– I would include my skates because I love to
ice skate. I especially love ice dancing, a form
of ice skating in which you have a partner,
don’t jump or do lifts above the boy’s head,
and are partly judged on the quality of your
edges and interpretation of the music.

Persuasive Example
• Persuasive writing is convincing.
– Some late work counts as 70% credit, giving
kids a C- which is passing. Some kids are
happy because they think a C- is a good
grade. How can we allow students to turn in
all of their work late but still have a passing
grade? The kids that have C-’s don’t care
about their work because even if they turn it in
late, they can still get a passing grade. These
kids have sort of twisted the grading system to
benefit themselves. This can no longer be
allowed.

Introductions and Conclusions
Effective Strategies for Going Beyond
the Formula
OSPI Instructional Support Materials for Writing
Middle / High School
These materials were prepared by teachers from
Washington state to help students improve their writing
skills.
Version 2

Lessons for Introductions and
Conclusions

Agenda
• Discuss introductions: purpose, strategies, scoring.
• Analyze introductions from printed texts.
• Discuss conclusions: purpose, strategies, scoring.
• Analyze conclusions from printed texts .
• Analyze and score paired introductions and
conclusions.
• Practice writing and revising introductions and
conclusions.
• Score additional student samples.

What are the purposes
of
introductions?
Why are introductions
important?

Purposes for Introductions
The introduction
• grabs the reader’s attention.
• clearly implies an organizational structure of the paper.
• includes support that is specific and relevant and
provides a clear, connected lead-in to a paper’s main
idea or thesis.
• includes a thesis that is stated or implied.

Ineffective Introductions
• I hope you enjoy…
• Hi, my name is…
• You are going to learn about…
• This essay/letter is about…
• I am going to tell you about…
• There are three reasons…

What are some effective ways
to introduce
a piece of writing?

Introduction Strategies
A writer may begin with
– an anecdote or scenario
– a quotation or dialogue
– a brief history or overview
– 5 W’s of situation or issue
– an interesting fact
– a description
– a question
– taking a stand or making an announcement
– a contrasting situation
– a combination from this list.

Agenda
 Discuss introductions: purpose, strategies, scoring.
• Analyze introductions from printed texts.
• Analyze conclusions from printed texts.
conclusions.
conclusions.

Analyzing Introductions from
Printed Texts
• Does the introduction grab the reader’s
attention?
• Does the introduction imply or set-up a structure
for the essay?
• What structure would work?
• What introduction strategies did the author use?
• Why were they used?
• What is the main idea or thesis (either stated or
implied)?

Introduction Strategies
• Use the Introduction Strategies list to
analyze strategies the author used.
• Find a short piece of writing with an
effective introduction and bring it to class
tomorrow.

Analyze examples.
• Form small groups.
• In your group, identify strategies in
introductions you gathered and make a
chart of the strategies you found.
• Groups should post their charts on the
wall.
– What strategies were used the most?
– Which strategies especially made you
want to keep reading?

The Thesis Statement
© 2001 by Ruth Luman
A Road Map for Your Essay
References

Introduction
Thesis Statements
After you have brainstormed and you have some main
ideas of what you would like to write in your essay, you can
begin thinking about writing a thesis statement.
What’s a thesis
statement????

Definition
Thesis Statement
A thesis statement is a complete sentence
that contains one main idea. This idea controls
the content of the entire essay. A thesis
statement that contains subpoints also helps a
reader know how the essay will be organized.
Look at the introductory paragraph below. See
if you can identify the thesis statement and
subpoints.

When I was young, I always knew that I wanted to
become a teacher someday. When I played, I would
often gather my dolls together and pretend to teach them
how to do math problems or how to read a book. As I
grew older, my desire to become an ESL teacher became
clearer as I did some volunteer teaching overseas and in
the United States. As I look back on my reasons for
becoming a teacher, there are three reasons that stand
out. They are: my love for the English language, my
innate interest in how people learn, and my desire to help
other people .
Definition
Thesis Statement
The thesis statement
contains the main idea
that controls the content
of the essay.
Subpoints in the thesis
or nearby help the
reader know how the
essay will be organized

Psychologists have argued for decades about how a
person’s character is formed. Numerous psychologists
believe that one’s birth order (i.e. place in the family
as the youngest, oldest, or middle child) has the
greatest influence. I believe birth order can have a
significant impact in the formation of a child’s
character based on my own experience growing up in a
family of four children. Birth order can strongly affect
one’s relationship with parents, relationships with
others, and how one views responsibility as an adult.
Thesis Statement
Another Example
The thesis statement
contains the main idea
that controls the content
of the essay.
Subpoints in the thesis
or nearby help the
reader know how the
essay will be organized

Key Features
Thesis Statement
 states the main idea of the essay in a complete
sentence, not in a question.
 states an opinion or attitude on a topic. It doesn’t
just state the topic, itself.
 is usually at the end of an introduction.
 often lists subtopics.
 does not directly announce your main topic.

Key Features
Main Idea in a Complete Sentence
Since the thesis statement is the main
statement for the entire essay, it should express
a complete thought and be a complete sentence.
The thesis statement is asserting an opinion or
idea, so it should not be a question. Look at the
examples below to see how they can be made
into thesis statements.

Key Features
Main Idea in a Complete Sentence
The sport of cross-country running.
Why do I want to be a teacher?
This is not a complete
sentence.
The sport of cross-country running has allowed me
to get in better shape and meet some interesting
people.
Being a teacher is a great profession, because it
allows me to work with students and be
creative.
This is a question, not a
statement.
Thesis
Statement
Thesis
Statement

Key Features
Location
English readers like to know what an essay
will be about near the beginning of the essay
rather than at the end. This is why the thesis
statement is often found at the end of the
introductory paragraph.

Key Features
Location
For most of my life I have lived with bad health,
smelly clothes, and a chronic cough. My children and
husband begged me to stop the habit that caused
these conditions, but I couldn’t. The habit of smoking
had wrapped its addicting arms around me and was
slowly strangling me until one day I realized I had to
stop. This realization came after three terrifying
events occurred in my family.
The thesis statement comes at the end of
the introductory paragraph. This sentence tells
the reader that he/she can expect to read
about the events that caused the author to stop
smoking in the rest of the essay.

Location
Another Example
Maya Angelou is an accomplished African-American author
in the United States. While growing up, she suffered
tremendous hardship. Some of her most difficult life events
are portrayed in novels and poems such as, I Know Why the
Caged Bird Sings, and, Still I Rise. Her written works often
include strong themes such as perseverance through trials,
love for family, and passionate optimism.
The thesis statement comes at the end of
the introductory paragraph. This sentence tells
the reader that he/she can expect to read more
about how Maya Angelou expresses these
themes in her writing.

Good thesis statements often express a
writer’s opinion or attitude on a particular topic.
This makes the thesis statement more specific
and requires the writer to explain or prove
his/her opinion in the essay. Look at the
examples below.
Key Features
States an Opinion or Attitude

Key Features
States an Opinion or Attitude
I learned to play many musical
instruments when I was young.
This would not be
considered a good thesis
statement because it is only
expressing a fact. It doesn’t
give the writer’s opinion or
attitude on playing musical
instruments. This thesis
statement doesn’t give the
writer very much to explain
or prove in his/her essay.
Learning to play many musical
instruments when I was young
helped me to become a more
intelligent and well-rounded person.
This thesis statement is
much better because it
expresses how the writer
feels about the experience
of learning to play musical
instruments. This thesis
statement requires the
writer to explain how and
why playing a musical
instrument made him/her
a better person.

An Opinion or Attitude
Another Example
Cancun is a popular vacation
spot in Mexico.
This would not be considered a
good thesis statement, because it
is only expressing a fact. It
doesn’t reflect the writer’s opinion
or attitude on Cancun. This thesis
statement doesn’t give the writer
very much to explain or prove in
his/her essay.
Cancun is one of the best
vacation spots in Mexico
because of its comfortable
climate and proximity to some
well-known archeological
sites.
This thesis statement is much
better because it expresses how
the writer feels about Cancun.
This thesis statement requires the
writer to explain how and why
going to Cancun is a good choice
for visitors.

You can make your thesis statement more
specific by including subtopics or supporting
ideas. By doing this, you give your reader a
clear idea of what will follow in the body
paragraphs of your essay.
Key Features
Subtopics

Key Features
Subtopics
The large influx of people to California has had major effects on the state.
No subtopics are named in this thesis statement.
The large influx of people to California has had major effects on the ability of
the state to provide housing, electricity, and jobs for all residents.
This statement names three subtopics.
Can you find all of the subtopics?
subtopic #1
subtopic #2
subtopic #3

Subtopics
Another Example
Inner-city public schools grapple with some serious problems.
No subtopics are named in this thesis statement.
Some of the most serious problems in today’s inner-city public schools are
the overcrowded classrooms, the low percentage of trained teachers, and the
lack of resources such as textbooks for students.
This statement names three subtopics.
Can you find all of the subtopics?
subtopic #1 subtopic #2
subtopic #3

In thesis statements, you should avoid using
statements like, “This essay will discuss…” or
“I’m going to write about…”. Try to write a
thesis statement that captures your reader’s
attention without announcing your main topic
and stating the obvious. Look at the examples
below.
Key Features
Don’t State the Obvious

Don’t State the Obvious
This essay will discuss some ways
teachers can fight teenage drug abuse.
Teachers can fight teenage drug
abuse by educating young people on its
dangers and by being good role models.

Key Features
Review
 states the main idea of the essay in a complete
sentence, not in a question.
 states an opinion or attitude on a topic. It doesn’t
just state the topic, itself.
 is usually at the end of an introduction.
 often lists subtopics.
 does not directly announce your main topic.

Agenda of Lessons
Elaboration Module
• Defining Elaboration
• Asking Questions that Lead to Elaboration
• Recognizing Elaboration
• Show, Don't Tell
• Specific, Concrete Details versus General Language
• Elaboration within Sentences
• Layering -- Elaboration Using Multiple Sentences
• Criteria for Assessment

Definition of Elaboration
• Elaboration means. . .
– To tell the reader more using
• Specific words
• Extensions (phrases, clauses)
• Onion-like layering of detail
• Specific strategies, e.g., anecdotes or
scenario, lists for specificity, examples,
definitions, descriptions, quotations,
statistics, and facts.
Lesson 1

What does elaboration look like?
• ANECDOTES -- An anecdote is a short
narrative inserted into an essay that
develops an idea or argument. This
sounds like. . .
Hey, I remember the time when I
had to carry my . . .
Once when I was in middle
school, the kids would
always. . .
Lesson 1

Develop your point with an anecdote.
Student sample
You can’t give up, Jack.
I remember one time
when I played on the high
school baseball team. We
were losing, and it was the
8th inning. Everyone was
getting discouraged, and
then the coach said,
“BOYS! You’ve got to
RALLY here! Turn your
ball caps around and GET
OUT THERE!” So, Jack,
turn your ball cap – I mean
ATTITUDE -- around and
get out there!
Lesson 1

ANECDOTES - your turn
• Do you remember any teacher who told lots of
stories as they were teaching? Or parents who
told stories about “when they were young”?
1. Write a 2-4 sentence lead-in anecdote that you
could use in your introduction of your
Avalanche essay in the space provided.
Lesson 1

• EXAMPLES -- provide more specific
information about an idea. This sounds
like. . .
The cats were all
acting like they were
crazy. For example,
one jumped at me with
all …
We had a barrage of
different weather last
week: hail, rain, snow,
and sunshine.
My brothers always
seem to pick on me.
For instance, they may
hide my soccer shoes
before a game.
Lesson 1

Develop your point with an
example.
Student Sample
The game of golf can be
played for an entire lifetime
and also by yourself. People
of any age can go out and
play a round of golf whenever
they want as opposed to
team sports. For example,
football, soccer, and
volleyball take an entire team
of people to play. How many
times are you going to call up
ten or more of your friends
and go play sports?
Lesson 1

EXAMPLES - your turn
• Examples are an effective way to help the
reader understand your ideas.
2. Write 2-4 sentences about avalanche
prevention using examples that you could
use in your Avalanche essay, in the
space provided.
Lesson 1

• DEFINITIONS -- are restatements of an
unfamiliar word or phrase to tell what it
means. This sounds like…
The best part of our hot lunch program is the A La
Carte. What I mean by A La Carte is the little deli
line past the lunch line where you can buy cookies,
slushies, and candy bars.
Lesson 1

Develop your point with a definition.
Student sample
One of the best programs at
our school is something called
Brainworks. Brainworks is an
after-school program where kids
go and do their homework. They
even let you work on the
computers there. I like it a lot
because the lady who runs the
program keeps everyone pretty
quiet. At my house, I have 6 little
brothers and sisters, and there is
never a quiet place to work.
Lesson 1

DEFINITION – your turn
• Defining specific words shows an
awareness of the audience. It shows you
are thinking of what the audience knows
and what they don’t know.
3. Write 2-4 sentences about avalanche
prevention using definitions that you
could use in your Avalanche essay, in the
space provided.
Lesson 1

• STATISTICS and FACTS -- are the
numbers (data) and information that help
support your idea or argument.
Mom, did you know
that 98% of all my
friends get to stay
up until 1:00 AM on
weekends?
Well, Son, did you
know that 3 out of 4
parents would have
grounded you for
staying out so late?
Lesson 1
Kids who
smoke at an
early age are
prone to heart
attacks later in
life.

Develop your point with facts and
statistics.
Student Sample
Another craze to sweep
America was the low-carb diet.
It was reported in the
newspaper after the last
holiday season that 67% of all
Americans were low-carb
dieting. Let me tell you the
personal impact that has had
on my family’s wheat farm
here in Washington.
Lesson 1

STATISTICS and FACTS – your
turn
• Talk to a partner and come up with a statistic
about school, e.g., number of football games
won, number of friendly teachers, amount of
time wasted in class.
• Think of what statistics would convince the
audience.
4. Write a 2-4 sentence lead-in using statistics
that you could use in your Avalanche essay, in
the space provided:
Lesson 1

• QUOTATIONS -- are words someone
says that can help support your idea or
argument.
“Spaying or neutering
dogs and cats is the
single best gift a pet
owner can give.”
Dr. Stein, the
veterinarian from
the animal
shelter, agreed
when she said,
Lesson 1

Develop your point with quotations.
Student Sample
Another reason to graduate from
high school is that even technical jobs
require a diploma. Jared Turner from
Best Performance Welding magazine
states, “We won’t even consider hiring
a person without a high school
diploma. Our workers need to read
the job specs, monitor equipment
performance, and write orders and
reports.” Turner went on to describe
the many qualified applicants who
compete for positions in his busy firm.
This seems to be different from the
good old days and makes a pretty
decent point about staying in school.
Lesson 1

QUOTATION – your turn
• Quotations or simple dialogue can add
information and credibility to your idea or
argument.
5. Using Jill Fredston’s quote from the end
of the article, write 2-4 sentences as a
way to elaborate further in your
Avalanche essay, in the space provided:
Lesson 1

• DESCRIPTIONS --are ways to create vivid
images for the reader.
The sound of my phone cut through the silent class, and
I anxiously dug into my backpack to grab it before Mrs.
Schuman, the writing teacher, noticed. Pawing through
Chapstick, lipstick, gum wrappers, and rubber hair wraps,
my hand darted around the deep pockets of my backpack.
“Must shut off ringer,” I thought.
Lesson 1

Develop your point with description.
Student Sample
Lesson 1
Jackie walked slowly to
the Vietnam Veterans’
Memorial exhibit. In her
hands were two yellow
daffodils that she had
brought with her on the
hour-long bus ride.
Their green stems,
snapped from the patch
in the backyard, were
slowly drying out.

DESCRIPTION – your turn
• Description can take many forms and still be
effective. Show, don’t just tell, your reader. Be
specific with your word choice. Try to create an
image that appeals to your reader’s senses.
• Work with your partner and write a paragraph
that describes the cafeteria at your school.
Elaborate using sensory details.
Lesson 1

Elaboration Module
Series of Lessons
• Asking the Questions that Lead to Elaboration

ASKING QUESTIONS
THAT LEAD TO
ELABORATION
Lesson 2

Elaboration answers questions for
the reader.
Teenagers have problems.
Lesson 2
What
problems?

the reader.
• Teenagers have problems. For example,
teens don’t always have enough money to
buy what they want.
Hmmm . . .what do
teenagers want to buy?
Lesson 2

the reader.
• Teenagers have problems. For example,
80% of teens don’t always have enough
money to buy CD’s, food for after school,
and the kind of clothes they want,
according to Teen Journal.
Oh…now I understand. Teens want
money for CDs, food, and clothes.
Lesson 2

the reader.
Turn to your partner and add even more
elaboration to the previous slide. Discuss
what kind of CDs, food, and clothes teens
may want to buy.
Think about who will read what you write.
What information will help them
understand your idea/argument more
clearly?
Lesson 2

the reader.
Perhaps your samples sounded like this.
Teenagers have problems. For example,
80% of teens don’t always have enough money
to buy CD’s, like the new CD from Clutch, snack
and junk food for after school, and the kind of
clothes they want like expensive jeans from
Abercrombie and Fitch, according to Teen
Journal.
Lesson 2

RECOGNIZING
ELABORATION
Lesson 3

Where is the elaboration?
The main reason I love Halloween is the candy.
Oh my gosh, it’s like heaven—even for big kids. What
I’m trying to say is that my mom lets me collect and
eat all the mini candy bars, fruity treats, and sour
chewies that I can. When I get to heaven, it will have
all those kinds of candy. Last year, I was running out
the door at 5:30, pillowcase in hand, hitting the
houses in my neighborhood with my friend Steven.
You might not believe it, but I got 237 individual
servings of candy, and it was my highest record yet. I
figure at 20 pieces a day it will take me 12 days to
polish it all off. There’s nothing better than candy if
you’re a kid.
Lesson 3

• What I’m trying to say is that my mom lets
me collect and eat all the mini candy bars,
fruity treats, and sour chewies that I can.
–DEFINE
The writer is attempting to
define how getting candy
on Halloween is like heaven.
Lesson 3

• Last year, I was running out the door at
5:30, pillowcase in hand, hitting the
houses in my neighborhood with my friend
Steven.
- ANECDOTE
The writer is including a bit of a narrative
story with personal experience to make his
point about how he was going
to get candy.
Lesson 3

• You might not believe it but I got 237
individual servings of candy, and it was my
highest record yet. I figure at 20 pieces a day
it will take me 12 days to polish it all off.
– STATISTICS
– The writer is making up or remembering
statistics that make his point about getting
a large amount of candy.
Lesson 3

Recognizing Elaboration
• If you can find elaboration strategies in
someone else’s writing, you become more
aware of them.
• If you are more aware of them, you will
become more thoughtful about threading it
into your writing to. . .
TELL THE READER MORE.
Lesson 3

Recognizing Elaboration with a
Partner
• The following paragraphs are also about
Halloween. With your class divided into
small groups, mark the types of
elaboration on each of the four
paragraphs.
See student sample - Halloween paragraphs
• Discuss what kinds of elaboration are
effective? Easy to recognize?
Lesson 3

Elaboration Module
Series of Lessons
• Asking Questions that Lead to Elaboration

Show, don’t tell.
• What is the difference between these two
sentences? Which one is better and why?
• A. The room was a mess.
• B. Rumpled bedspread, piled up clothes,
and jumbled dresser greeted me as I
pushed my way into the room.
Lesson 4

Definition of Telling and Showing
• Telling is the use of broad generalizations.
• Showing is the use of details, facts,
statistics, examples, anecdotes,
quotations, dialogue – elaboration– to
develop, persuade, explain, or enliven a
story.
Lesson 4

Show with Description
• White shirts are
dumb.
• White shirts are
hard to clean, show
pizza stains, and
make you look like a
waiter in a cheesy
restaurant.
Lesson 4

Telling vs. Showing 1
There are many fascinating things to see at the
Farmer’s Market, which has been around for a long
time.
Rows of tangerines, crisp red apples, long purple
eggplants, and succulent strawberries invite the
shopper to stop at every farmer’s stand. Many of
the farmers in the Farmers’ Market have sold their
home-grown vegetables and fruits since the early
1900’s when the market was the only place to buy
fresh food in the city. Now the market has
expanded to include bakeries, funky antique
stores, and a comic book vendor. The market is a
visual feast for tourists and a keepsake for our
town.
Lesson 4

The Beatles started a new trend in music in the mid-
sixties.
For many Americans the evening of February 9,1964, was a
turning point in musical history. On this evening the
Beatles made their debut in America on the Ed Sullivan
television show. Kathi Anderson, then sixteen in Chicago,
remembers, “My friends and I sat shaking and hugging each
other on the couch in my living room as the Fab Four
bounced out onto the stage. Their shaggy hair shook as
they sang ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’ and ‘She Loves You’
with an energy and sound we’d never heard before. We
were instantly and forever in love.” That night the British
Invasion, as it was called, began.
Lesson 4

The Seattle Sonics, led by Ray Allen, won Friday’s
game.
The Seattle Sonics game against the Minneapolis
Timberwolves on Friday night ended with the Sonics
beating the Timberwolves 107-102 in overtime. Ray
Allen, the Sonics’ star, struggled all night with his
shot, but he ended up scoring 32 points for the
game. Allen averages 31.5 points per game.
According to the City Daily News, "Allen was 7-for-24
from the field in regulation, but went 3-for-4 in
overtime, including two 3-pointers, and scored all
but two of Seattle's points in the extra five
minutes." With that win, Seattle won the first game
of the new season.
Lesson 4

Manastash Field is dangerous.
Manastash Soccer Field has caused more
injuries to players than any other in the valley
according to Tony Vela, the director of the North
Valley Soccer Association. “The field is nothing
more than sand and hard clay. Clouds of dust
explode into the air when players kick the ball.
My players say it’s hard to see and breathe.
When they fall, they end up with bloody shins.”
Vela called upon the North Valley Parks
Department to spend its money on fixing fields
rather than on useless advertising.
Lesson 4

Some General Sentences
With a partner, discuss how to make these
sentences show, rather than tell.
Pick two and rewrite them on your own.
The man in the car was angry.
I was tired last night.
The pizza was delicious.
The car was filthy.
Lesson 4

Not So General Sentences
Each group should select one
revision from the previous slide
to share with the class.
See student samples - General vs. Specific
Reflections HS Reflections MS
Lesson 4
I knew I needed
to see the
situation in my
head first and
then try to
describe it for
the reader.

Your Turn
• Think back to the examples from the
Beatles, the Farmers’ Market, Ray Allen,
and the Manastash Soccer Field. Discuss
with your partner which example appealed
most to you. Why?
• Which example might your principal or one
of your parents like? Why?
Lesson 4

SPECIFIC, CONCRETE
DETAILS vs. GENERAL
LANGUAGE
Lesson 5

Words are like rocks.
They come in all
sizes. Small
rocks represent
small words. Big
rocks represent
big words.
BUT . . .
Lesson 5

Rocks are not as strong as
CONCRETE.
CONCRETE details are the
specific, exact names of things.
Using CONCRETE details will make your paper
stronger, just like CONCRETE makes a building
stronger. Concrete details are SPECIFIC.
Lesson 5

Look for the SPECIFIC details.
• Meredith and Maria slammed their lockers
and ran down the Freshmen Hall toward
the lunchroom. How much longer until
they would have their official Driver’s
License and could eat off campus? They
could barely stand the thought of eating
hot lunch pizza, a fruit cup, and washing it
down with a 6-ounce carton of chocolate
milk. Three more months until they turned
16. Agony.
Lesson 5

Using Specific Details
School lunches
are (good) (bad).
Choose either side.
Lesson 5
Rewrite the sentence on the
left, using specific language.
Write more than one
sentence to elaborate.
See student samples -
Grade 10 Lunch
Grade 7 Lunch

Be specific.
• Your word choices do not have to be
– Big words
– Fancy words
– Words from a thesaurus
• Remember, to elaborate powerfully and
effectively, you need to be SPECIFIC.
• Use concrete, specific details.
Lesson 5

Work with a partner.
• Find the specific, concrete details in the
student sample, Locker. Highlight these
specific details.
Lesson 5
See student sample -
Locker

Your Turn
Add specific, concrete details to make the
following paragraph effective.
Besides helping to forget the problems life throws
at us for a while, acting is a fun learning
experience. You get to pose as characters much
different from yourself and for a short period of
time, get to walk in someone else’s shoes. You
can be famous or live in a foreign country. With
acting you can be whatever you like.
See student sample - Grade 10 Drama See - Elaboration Scoring Guide
Lesson 5

Elaboration: Strategic Teaching
to Improve Student Writing
Part 3: Lessons 6 - 8
Elaboration within Sentences,
Layering -- Elaboration Using Multiple
Sentences, Criteria for Assessment
OSPI Instructional Support Materials for Writing
These materials were developed by Washington teachers to help students
improve their writing.
Version 2

OSPI Writing Instructional Support Materials
Core Development Team
Nikki Elliott-Schuman – OSPI, Project Director
Charlotte Carr – Retired Seattle SD, Facilitator
Barbara Ballard – Coupeville SD
Anne Beitlers – Seattle SD
Marcie Belgard – Richland SD
Betsy Cornell – Moses Lake SD
Lydia Fesler – Spokane SD
Lori Hadley – Puyallup SD
Lissa Humphreys – East Valley SD (Spokane)
Kathleen McGuinness – Kennewick SD
Lisa McKeen – East Valley SD (Yakima)
Sharon Schilperoort – Yakima SD
Holly Stein – Eastside Catholic High School

Purpose
To share teaching strategies that will help
students develop a piece of writing that
elaborates on a single idea and addresses
the needs and interests of a particular
audience.
Elaboration is critical for clear and
effective writing.

ELABORATION WITHIN
SENTENCES
Lesson 6

Elaboration within a Sentence
• Sentences can be expanded by adding
elaboration.
• Sentences can be combined to provide
elaboration.
APPOSITIVES, PHRASES,
AND CLAUSES.
Lesson 6
TELL
ME
MORE. . .

Appositives
Add information to a single sentence.
Lesson 6

Appositives
• An appositive is a noun or noun phrase that
follows another noun or pronoun that renames it
or adds information.
• An appositive is usually set apart from the
sentence by commas.
• Joel made the goal.
Joel, the star of the team, made the goal.
Lesson 6
Sentence with an appositive.

Appositives answer the reader’s
questions.
Mom---Natalya is
coming over
tonight.
Who is Natalya?
Natalya, the girl who
sits beside me in
band, is coming over
tonight.
Lesson 6

Add an appositive to a
sentence.
• Ms. Ortega, ____________, is my teacher.
• Ms. Ortega, English teacher in room 7,
is my teacher.
• Crystal Lake, ___________, is my home.
• Crystal Lake, a lovely town off Interstate
90, is my home.
WHO ?
WHERE ?
Lesson 6

Elaborate by adding
appositives.
Try adding an appositive with a partner.
• My school, ______________, is the best.
• That lunch, ____________,was the worst.
• Mrs. Dennis, ____________, helped me
find a site on the Internet.
• My car, __________, is a piece of junk.
Lesson 6

Some Samples
• My school, the largest school in our town, is the
best.
• That lunch, liver, onions, and ketchup, was the
worst.
• Mrs. Dennis, our new librarian , helped me find a
site on the Internet.
• My car, an ancient jalopy inherited from my
brother, is a piece of junk.
Lesson 6

Combine sentences to form an
appositive.
We can combine the two following sentences into one
power-packed sentence and delete unnecessary words.
• John plays varsity basketball for the
Springfield Hurricanes basketball team.
• He is a senior and the point guard for his
team.
John, the senior point guard, plays
basketball for the Springfield Hurricanes.
Lesson 6

More Practice Combining
Sentences to Form Appositives
Look at the two sentences. Choose one of the
sentences to be the base sentence and using the
important information from the other sentence, write an
appositive.
• Trevor owns and operates Screaming T-
Shirts.
• Trevor owns his own business.
Lesson 6
Trevor, the owner, operates the business
Screaming T-Shirts.

Elaborate by combining sentences.
More practice
• Emily bought a present for her best friend at Macy’s.
• Emily bought a silver ring for her best friend.
________________________________________
• Alex ran around the track 25 times that morning.
• Alex is a marathon runner from Yacoco High School.
Lesson 6

Prepositional Phrases
• A prepositional phrase adds information and
elaboration by answering questions a reader
may have.
• Prepositional phrases are often used to answer
questions about position, place, location, or time.
(examples of prepositions - by, of, for, on, in, under, with, through,
beside, before, after, during…)
Lesson 6

Phrases add elaboration.
Example
• Susie, a senior at Springfield High, runs the
concession stand.
• Susie, a senior at Springfield High, runs the
concession stand for every 2005-6 basketball
game.
When does Susie
run the concession
stand?
Why does she run it?
Lesson 6

Your Turn to Add Prepositional
Phrases
• With your partner, add prepositional
phrases to the following sentences to
answer questions a reader may have.
• Luis got his driving license.
• Maryann earned an academic award.
• Nadia came in first place.
Lesson 6

Clauses add elaboration.
Definition
• A clause is a group of words that
depends on a complete sentence and
starts with an introductory word such
as who, which, that, although, since, or
because and has its own subject and
verb.
Lesson 6

Clauses add elaboration.
Example
• Elaine had plenty of her own money.
• Elaine asked her friend Delia to pay for
her movie ticket.
Combined with a clause
Lesson 6
Although Elaine had plenty of her own money,
she asked her friend Delia to pay for her
movie ticket.

Another Example
Example
• Maryann and Jocelyn were both late
getting home.
• The party lasted longer than planned.
Lesson 6
Because the party lasted longer than planned, Maryann
and Jocelyn were both late getting home.

One More Example
Example
• Gabriel had a flat tire on Snoqualmie Pass.
• He was rescued by a state patrolman.
Lesson 6
Gabriel, who had a flat tire on Snoqualmie Pass,
was rescued by a state patrolman.
When Gabriel had a flat tire on Snoqualmie Pass,
he was rescued by a state patrolman.
OR

Your turn to elaborate with clauses.
Combine the following pairs of sentences using
clauses.
• Benjamin and Gerardo walked home after the
football game.
• Celia offered Benjamin and Gerardo a ride
home after the Friday night football game.
___________________________________
• Josh went to take his driving test.
• Josh failed his driving test two times.
Lesson 6

Layering Elaboration
A thoughtful writer layers one sentence after
another.
Each new sentence adds to or develops the
thought
. . .like rings around
a bull’s-eye.
Lesson 7

Layering seems like
• Each idea is carefully stacked
on the next. . . like bricks in a wall
. . .or rings on a tall tree.
Lesson 7

Every sentence and detail fit with
the rest of the topic
. . .like a set of nesting dolls.
Lesson 7

Listing vs. Layering
• Don’t add boring, list-like sentences just to make
the paragraph longer.
• REMEMBER – length doesn’t always mean
quality elaboration.
List-like example rather than layering -
Having lots of choices is the reason why I eat at school.
I love nachos. I like the pizza at school. Sometimes I
order salad when I am feeling full. I have some favorite
vegetables.
See - Choices-listing.doc, Choices-layering.doc
Lesson 7

Layering sounds like
Having lots of food choices is the reason why I like
my school’s lunchroom.
I can select my favorite foods for lunch everyday. I
sometimes pick cheesy nachos with the melted cheese
sauce smothered over the hot crispy chips. If I don’t
want anything that greasy, like nachos or pizza, I can
choose a “made-for-me” salad. This means I get to
choose what goes on it and my favorite veggies,
including olives, peppers, and tomatoes. The best thing
is I can pick a food that fits my attitude that day.
TOPIC
Lesson 7

Another layering example
Skiing down a Black Diamond run gives a
rush like no other. What appears like a peaceful
sport is really a contrast to the 50 mph feel of the
wind in your face, waist-high moguls to weave in
and out of while your thighs scream, “Stop!” With
a wind chill of minus 10, you still have sweat
dripping under your long johns as your
adrenaline pumps through your veins. You can’t
wait to get to the bottom of the run and do it
again.
Lesson 7
TOPIC

Practice layering.
• Read the following topic sentence. With a
partner take turns adding layers of
sentences that DEVELOP the topic.
Dessert is my favorite thing to order
at McDonald’s.
See student sample -
Dessert at McDonald’s
Lesson 7

More Practice with Layering
In the following paragraph, discuss how all the
sentences layer or develop the topic.
Football season at JKHS is the best time of the year.
Even though I don’t play, football provides us all with
something to do on Friday nights. Sometimes that
means watching the football games; sometimes that
means the after-game dance. My favorite football
memory was after the game with MLHS. The ASB
leaders made a huge bonfire for us to celebrate the win.
It lasted until 2:00 a.m. when we went to Shari’s for
breakfast to plan the next football experience.
Lesson 7

Remember…layering looks like
• Sentences thoughtfully placed with the
one main topic threaded through them
. . . purposely
explaining with
the needs of the
audience in mind.
Lesson 7

Your Turn
Choose one of the following two topics. Then write
a paragraph and practice elaborating by layering
each sentence and developing the main idea.
The parking lot at _______ High is where the real
education takes place at school.
_______ is what I live for on the weekends.
Lesson 7

Agenda
 Analyze introductions from printed texts.
conclusions.
conclusions.

What are the purposes of
conclusions?
Why are conclusions
important?

Purposes for Conclusions
The ending/conclusion
• clearly connects introduction and body of the paper with
insightful comments or analysis.
• wraps up the writing and gives the reader something to
think about.

Ineffective Conclusions
• I hope you enjoyed reading my…
• In this essay/letter you have learned…
• In conclusion,…
• As you can see/tell…
• I just told you about (exact thesis)…

What are some effective ways
that we might conclude
a piece of writing?

Conclusion Strategies
A writer may end with
– an echo from the introduction
– a quotation or dialogue
– an anecdote or scenario
– an interesting fact
– a prediction
– a question
– a call to action
– a generalization from given information
– a self-reflection
– a response to a “so what?” question
– a combination from this list

Agenda
 Analyze introductions from printed texts.
 Discuss conclusions: purpose, strategies, scoring.
conclusions.
conclusions.

Analyzing Conclusions in
Printed Texts
• How does the conclusion connect to
the introduction and the middle of the
essay?
• Does the conclusion provide a
satisfying ending?

• Analyze sample conclusions. Use
your Conclusion Strategies list to
help identify strategies the authors
have used.
• Find a short piece of writing with
an effective introduction and
conclusion. Summarize the body of
the piece of writing.

Gallery Walk Activity
• Form groups of 3.
• Choose one example from the group and
copy the introduction, the summary of the
body, and the conclusion to chart paper.
• Fold the paper up so only the introduction
shows.
• Do a gallery walk, reading all introductions,
and predict (on your own paper) what you
think will happen next for each introduction.

In this picture
the bottom of
the poster has
been folded up
so that only the
introduction
shows.

Gallery Walk Activity, continued
.
• After you have predicted what will happen in
each sample, unfold the papers and compare
your predictions to the summary on the
paper.
• Unfold the charts. Next, refold the chart
above the conclusion and tape the conclusion
directly below the introduction.
• Compare the introduction and conclusion and
discuss how they work together.

Now that we have looked at introductions
and conclusions separately,
let’s analyze and practice scoring
some introductions and conclusions
from student papers.

Expository - Rainforest Destruction Introduction
In one minute, 100 football fields of the rainforest are gone.
Deforestation is the process of cutting down trees, killing
animals or plants, and ruining the natural habitat of the
rainforest. The biggest cause of deforestation is logging. There
are many other causes as well as adjusting to overpopulation
by constructing houses or buildings. The need for goods, such
as rubber for tires, is also a reason for deforestation. Humans
are affected because the whole world suffers when the
rainforest is destroyed. The climate changes and the air gets
warmer when trees are cut or burned down. Although the
problem of rainforest destruction continues, people are
currently trying to stop it. Organizations such as the World
Wildlife Fund have set up reserves for animals and plants
where they can live safely. Colobine monkeys are in danger
from the destruction because they spend half their time in trees
and the trees are rapidly being cut down.

Rain Forest Destruction Conclusion
Many trees every day are cut down in the rainforest
due to logging. Every day more people are born and
new houses built. In only a few years many species
may become extinct forever. The deforestation causes
the earth to get warmer which can effect all species on
the earth. People are helping to stop it, but rainforest
destruction still continues. The traditional people of the
rainforest lose their culture and homes. Eight percent
of the rainforest is gone and more is on its way to
vanishing forever.

OSPI Writing Instructional Support Materials
Core Development Team
Nikki Elliott-Schuman – OSPI, Project Director
Charlotte Carr – Retired Seattle SD, Facilitator
Barbara Ballard – Coupeville SD
Anne Beitlers – Seattle SD
Marcie Belgard – Richland SD
Betsy Cornell – Moses Lake SD
Lydia Fesler – Spokane SD
Lori Hadley – Puyallup SD
Lissa Humphreys – East Valley SD (Spokane)
Kathleen McGuiness – Kennewick SD
Lisa McKeen – East Valley SD (Yakima)
Sharon Schilperoort – Yakima SD
Holly Stein – Eastside Catholic High School

Alignment with GLE’s - Writing
EALR 3. The student writes clearly and effectively.
Component 3.1 Develops ideas and organizes writing.
from 3.1.2 - 7th
Grade from 3.1.2 - 8th
Grade from 3.1.2 - 9th
/ 10th
Grade
 Composes an engaging
lead/introduction (e.g.,
meaningful rhetorical
question, interesting
facts, relevant anecdo te).
 Composes an
ending/conclusion that is
more than a repetition of
the introduction (e.g., a
re-connection to reader, a
call for action, a
statement of
significance).
 Develops a compelling
introduction (e.g.,
startling statement,
setting/description,
quotation).
 Composes an effective
ending that is more than
a repetition of the
introduction (e.g.,
response to a 'so wha t'
question, connection to
bigger picture).
 Selects from a variety of
opening strategies and
composes an engaging
introduction (e.g., vivid,
detailed description;
historical/cultural
background; contrasting
situation).
 Selects from a variety of
ending strategies and
composes an effective
conclusion that is more
than a repetition of the
introduction (e.g.,
prediction, anecdote,
question).

Introductions and Conclusions
and the WASL
Strong introductions and conclusions are directly
related to scores on the Content, Organization, and
Style portion of the WASL. The best writing includes
engaging introductions and effective conclusions that
do more than repeat.
According to annotations written by a 2004 WASL
Scoring Director, a strong opening “uses vivid words
and phrases,” and a strong conclusion “reinforces the
response’s wholeness and completeness.”

“Formulas are always dangerous when
applied to creative processes. The
result is often form without meaning,
‘correct language’ without power, and
rhetoric without audience appeal.”
-Dan Kirby and Tom Liner, Inside Out:
Developmental Strategies for Teaching
Writing
Research

Bibliography
• Atwell, Nancie. Lessons That Change Writers. Portsmouth, NH:
Heinemann, 2002.
• Kirby, Dan and Tom Liner. Inside Out: Developmental Strategies for
Teaching Writing. Montclair, NJ: Boynton/Cook Publishers, Inc., 1981.
• Muller, Gilbert and Harvey Wiener. The Short Prose Reader, 2nd ed. New
York: McGraw-Hill Book Company, 1982.
• Payne, Lucile Vaughan. The Lively Art of Writing. New York: Follett
Publishing Company, 1965.
• Penfield, Elizabeth. Model Essays for Composition, 7th ed.
• Sebranek, Patrick, et al. Write for College: A Student Handbook.
Wilmington, Massachusetts: Great Source Education Group, 1997.
• Spandel, Vicki. Creating Writers: Through 6-Trait Writing Assessment and
Instruction, 3rd ed. New York: Addison Wesley Longman, 2001.
• Stead, Tony. Is that a Fact? Teaching Nonfiction Writing K-3. Portland,
Maine: Stenhouse Publishers, 2002.
• Zinsser, William. On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing
Nonfiction, 6th ed. Harper-Collins Publishers, Inc., 2001.

Alignment with GLEs - Writing
EALR 3. The student writes clearly and effectively
Component 3.1.1 Develops ideas and organizes writing
from 3.1.1 - 7th Grade from 3.1.1 - 8th Grade from 3.1.1-9th/10th Grade
• Selects specific details
relevant to the topic to extend
ideas and develop elaboration
(e.g., multiple examples,
statistics, anecdotes, reasons).
• Uses personal experiences,
observations, and/or research
to support opinions and ideas
(e.g., relevant data to support
conclusions in math, science,
social studies; personal
knowledge of an illness to
persuade the audience that
water pollution is dangerous).
ideas or develop elaboration
(e.g., quotations, data, reasons,
multiple examples that build on
each other).
to support opinions and ideas
(e.g., relevant data to support
social studies; appropriate
anecdotes to explain or
persuade; information
synthesized from a variety of
sources to support an
argument).
ideas or develop elaboration
(e.g., quotations, data, reasons,
multiple examples that build on
each other).
from a variety of sources to
support opinions and ideas (e.g.,
relevant data to support
social studies; appropriate
researched information to
explain or persuade; contrasting
points of view to support a
hypothesis or argument).

Alignment with GLEs – Writing
continued
EALR 3. The student writes clearly and effectively
Component 3.2 Uses appropriate style GLE 3.2.2 and 3.2.3
from 3.2.2 & 3.2.3 7th grade from 3.2.2 & 3.2.3 8th grade from 3.2.2 & 3.2.3 9th/10th
grade
• Selects and uses precise
language to persuade or inform.
• Writes a variety of sentence
lengths for effect (e.g., Up in
her bedroom, behind her closed
door, the girl stamped her foot
in rage, wishing she could go to
the picnic. Grounded!”).
structures (e.g., uses
appositive phrases).
structures and lengths to
create a cadence appropriate
for audience, purpose, and
form.
structures (e.g., inverts
sentence to draw attention to
the point being made in an
essay).
structures and lengths to
create a cadence appropriate
for diverse audiences,
purposes, and forms.
structures (e.g., absolutes to
add detail and elaborate).

Link to the WASL
• The quality of elaboration is directly related to
scores on the Content, Organization, and
Style portion of the Writing WASL. The best
writing has multiple layers of relevant
elaboration.
• When WASL papers were analyzed, specific
layered elaboration was the most critical
element that differentiated between scores of
“2” and “3” and scores of “3” and “4.”
• Thoughtful elaboration is guided by the needs
of the audience. Top scoring WASL papers
show clear audience awareness.
Source: WASL scoring team, OSPI Standards Review Committee report

Research/Bibliography
• Teaching writing
To improve student writing, teachers should spend substantially more time on
idea development and elaboration than on mechanics and editing (Gamble,
1990).
• Audience awareness
Improvement in student writing is directly connected to the development of a
sense of audience (McAlexander, 1996).
• Reading/Writing Connection
Students benefit from using new vocabulary as they elaborate in writing; they
create new contexts for using new vocabulary, and they are actively involved in
their own learning. This improves the level of learning and retention (Coomber,
Peet, and Smith, 1986).
Teaching writing and reading together benefits the learning of both; specifically,
reading improves student elaboration (Tierney, 1988).

Bibliography for Elaboration
• Coomber, James. “Elaboration in Vocabulary Learning:
A Comparison of Three Rehearsal Methods.” Research
in the Teaching of English, v20 n3 (1986): 281-93.
• Gamble, Sandra. Robert Hashway. “A Network of
Writing Skills.” Reading Improvement, v27 n1 (1990):
p10-13.
• McAlexander, Patricia J. “Ideas in Practice: Audience
Awareness and Developmental Composition.” Journal of
Developmental Education, v20 n1 (1996): 28-30,32-33.
• Tierney, Robert J. “Writing and Reading Working
Together. Occasional Paper No. 5.” Center for the Study
of Writing, Berkeley, CA.; Center for the Study of Writing,
Pittsburgh, PA, 1988.

Thesis Statement: A Roadmap for Your Essay
Essay PowerPoint Presentation by Ruth Luman
Modesto Junior College

Finding your voice; Elaboration in expository writing techniques for middle school ELA students

Recommended

Recommended

More Related Content

Similar to Finding your voice; Elaboration in expository writing techniques for middle school ELA students

Similar to Finding your voice; Elaboration in expository writing techniques for middle school ELA students (20)

More from Vasili K Andrews

More from Vasili K Andrews (20)

Recently uploaded

Recently uploaded (20)

Finding your voice; Elaboration in expository writing techniques for middle school ELA students