2. AGENDA
0 Change Teams
0 Surface Revision: Essay #2
0 Review: Kaizena
0 Discussion: SBB
0 In-class writing: Explore a moment when Jess
intentionally passes. How does this experience change
who ze is? How do you know? Then pick one when ze
unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same
way? How do you know?
3. Change Teams!
Get into teams of three
or four people.
Remember, you have to
change at least half of
your team, and you can
only be on a team with
the same person twice
during the quarter.
6. Often writers use several words for ideas that can be expressed in one.
This leads to unnecessarily complex sentences and genuine redundancy
as the following examples show:
Redundant Not Redundant
0 The printer is located
adjacent to the computer
0 The printer is located in
the immediate vicinity of
the computer
0 The user can visibly see
the image moving
0 He wore a shirt that was
blue in color
0 The input is suitably
processed
0 The printer is adjacent
to the computer
0 The printer is near the
computer
0 The user can see the
image moving
0 He wore a blue shirt.
0 The input is processed
7. Now you try it. Write this sentence in as few words as
possible without changing the meaning!
0The available receptacle, in any
case, was of insufficient size to
contain the total quantity of
unnecessary waste.
8. How to reduce wordiness!
0 1. Reduce Long Clauses
0 When editing, try to
reduce long clauses to
shorter phrases:
0 Wordy: The clown who
was in the center ring
was riding a tricycle.
0 Revised: The clown in
the center ring was riding
a tricycle.
0 2. Reduce Phrases
0 Likewise, try to reduce
phrases to single words:
0 Wordy: The clown at the
end of the line tried to
sweep up the spotlight.
0 Revised: The last clown
tried to sweep up the
spotlight.
9. Eliminating Wordiness Strategies
0 3. Avoid Empty Openers
0 Avoid There is, There are,
and There were as sentence
openers when There adds
nothing to the meaning of a
sentence:
0 Wordy: There is a prize in
every box of Quacko cereal.
0 Revised: A prize is in every
box of Quacko cereal.
0 Wordy: There are two
security guards at the gate.
0 Revised: Two security
guards stand at the gate.
0 4. Don’t Overwork Modifiers
0 Do not overwork very, really,
totally, and other modifiers
that add little or nothing to the
meaning of a sentence.
0 Wordy: By the time she got
home, Merdine was very tired.
0 Revised: By the time she got
home, Merdine was exhausted
0 Wordy: She was also really
hungry.
0 Revised: She was also hungry
[or famished].
10. Eliminating Wordiness
0 5. Avoid Redundancies
0 Replace redundant expressions (phrases that use
more words than necessary to make a point) with
precise words. Remember: needless words are those
that add nothing (or nothing significant) to the
meaning of our writing. They bore the reader and
distract from our ideas. So cut them out!
0 Wordy: At this point in time, we should edit our work.
0 Revised: Now we should edit our work.
11. Try these!
1. He dropped out of school on account of the fact that it was
necessary for him to help support his family.
2. It is expected that the new schedule will be announced by
the bus company within the next few days.
3. There are many ways in which a student who is interested
in meeting foreign students may come to know one.
4. It is very unusual to find someone who has never told a
deliberate lie on purpose.
5. Trouble is caused when people disobey rules that have
been established for the safety of all.
12. Possible Answers
1. He dropped out of school to support his family.
2. The bus company will probably announce its
schedule during the next few days.
3. Any student who wants to meet foreign students can
do so in many ways.
4. Rarely will you find someone who has never told a
deliberate lie.
5. Disobeying safety regulations causes trouble.
13. Edit for Wordiness
0Check your essay for
wordiness. Look for a
sentences that fall
into one of the
categories we just
discussed. Edit for
clarity and
conciseness.
15. Compound Sentence
0 A compound sentence is made up of two or more simple
sentences joined by one of the following:
0A comma and a coordinating conjunction
0I like to study grammar, and I love this class.
0A semicolon
0I like to study grammar; I love this class.
0A semicolon and an adverbial conjunction
0I like to study grammar; therefore, I love this
class.
18. COMPOUND SENTENCE:
CONJUNCTIVE ADVERBS
Thomas is cool; moreover, he is fashionable
.
Luke’s grandmother buys him sweaters;
however, he does not wear them.
Clause 1 Clause 2
Independent Independent
19. Editing for Run-On Sentences
Look for compound sentences in your essay.
Make sure you are using both a comma and a
conjunction.
Example: , and
Look to make sure that you have used a
semi-colon (not a comma) to connect two
complete sentences.
Example: sentence one; sentence two
Look for adverbial conjunctions; make sure
you have punctuated those sentences
correctly.
Example ; however,
21. Dangling Modifiers
A dangling modifier is a word or phrase that modifies a
word not clearly stated in the sentence. A modifier
describes, clarifies, or gives more detail about a concept.
Having finished the assignment, Jill turned on the TV.
"Having finished" states an action but does not name the
doer of that action. In English sentences, the doer must be
the subject of the main clause that follows. In this sentence,
it is Jill. She seems logically to be the one doing the action
("having finished"), and this sentence therefore does not
have a dangling modifier.
22. The following sentence has an incorrect usage:
Having finished the assignment, the TV was
turned on.
"Having finished" is a participle expressing
action, but the doer is not the TV set (the subject
of the main clause): TV sets don't finish
assignments. Since the doer of the action
expressed in the participle has not been clearly
stated, the participial phrase is said to be a
dangling modifier.
23. Strategies for revising dangling
modifiers:
1. Name the appropriate or logical doer of the action as
the subject of the main clause:
Having arrived late for practice, a written excuse was
needed.
Who arrived late? This sentence says that the written
excuse arrived late. To revise, decide who actually
arrived late. The possible revision might look like this:
Having arrived late for practice, the team captain
needed a written excuse.
24. 2. Change the phrase that dangles into a complete
introductory clause by naming the doer of the action in that
clause:
Without knowing his name, it was difficult to introduce him.
Who didn't know his name? This sentence says that "it" didn't
know his name. To revise, decide who was trying to introduce
him. The revision might look something like this:
Because Maria did not know his name, it was difficult to
introduce him.
The phrase is now a complete introductory clause; it does not
modify any other part of the sentence, so is not considered
"dangling."
25. 3. Combine the phrase and main clause into one:
To improve his results, the experiment was done
again.
Who wanted to improve results? This sentence
says that the experiment was trying to improve its
own results. To revise, combine the phrase and the
main clause into one sentence. The revision might
look something like this:
He improved his results by doing the experiment
again.
26. 1. After reading the original study, the article remains
unconvincing.
2. Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, your
home should be a place to relax.
3. The experiment was a failure, not having studied the
lab manual carefully.
Are these correct?
27. Incorrect: After reading the original study, the article remains
unconvincing.
Revised: After reading the original study, I find the article
unconvincing.
Incorrect: Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, your home
should be a place to relax.
Revised: Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, you should be
able to relax at home.
Incorrect: The experiment was a failure, not having studied the lab
manual carefully.
Revised: They failed the experiment, not having studied the lab
manual carefully.
28. Editing for Dangling Modifiers
Check your
introductory clauses
to make sure that the
doer is the subject of
the main clause that
follows it.
30. Check for Misused Words
0Than and then
0There, their, and they're
0To, too, and two
0Weather and whether
0Whose and who's
0Your and you're
31. Writing Tips
0Write about literature in present tense
0Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
0Avoid writing in second person.
0Cut Wordy Sentences
0Fix run-on sentences
0Eliminate Dangling Participles
0Check for misused words
32. Surface Revision Strategies
Read Aloud Isolate Specific Problems
0 Reading the paper aloud slowly
can often bring to attention large
and small mistakes missed in the
writing and typing process. Read
each sentence and ask does it
make sense? Is it awkward? Am I
including words that are not
actually written on the paper?
Sometimes reading the paper out
of order can help isolate
problems. Try reading the
paragraphs starting with the last
sentence and then reading the
previous sentence and so on; this
can reveal problems in the
sentences.
0 Isolating specific problems can
help give objectivity to one's
personal work. One way to
isolate specific issues is to
circle them on a paper draft
and look at them one by one.
For example: circle all commas
and then go back and look at
each comma asking if it is in
the appropriate place with the
correct usage. Another
example would be to circle all
verbs and then go back one by
one and identify the tense and
verify subject verb agreement.
33.
34. Stone Butch Blues
0Summarize the story thus far.
0List the kinds of passing taking place in this novel.
0How is it like racial passing?
0How is it different from racial passing?
36. I thought that the letter at the beginning of the novel was
pretty deep. I can’t really choose a few lines, the letter as a
whole was something else. I was always grossed out by love
letters because it sounded so cheesy and fake, this letter
however, made me believe that the feeling is real. I thought
that the letter was great, and even though it’s a love letter from
a girl to another girl, I didn’t think of it as some people would
perceive as ‘not normal’. I tried reading some of it to my friend,
and she also though it was so sweet and romantic, but when I
told her it’s a love letter to a girl from a girl, she was kind of
disgusted in a way; I respect that, but still. I was disturbed, but
it’s not because it’s not a man to a woman love letter, but
because I thought it was unfair for anyone to experience such
an oppression.
37. “I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups wanted, so they
would love me. I followed all their rules, tried my best to please. But there was
something about me that made them knit their eyebrows and frown. No one ever
offered a name for what was wrong with me. That’s what made me afraid it was
really bad. I only came to recognize its melody through this constant refrain: ‘Is
that a boy or a girl?”(7).
0 The first thing this quote stood to me because it signifies nobody
choose to become different as regarding their sexual identity. It
is a bio-chemical process, so it is not a choice. Likewise, it also
illustrates that how LGBT groups like Jess were tortured and
humiliated in our society, so they were shadowing their identity
for longtime to save themselves. Therefore, Jess was compelled
to live a different life than her own sexual identity to protect
herself from discrimination, mistreatment, and torture.
38. “I’ve only heard bits and pieces about that evening, so I don’t
know everything that went on. . . the grandmother gave my
mother a ring and said it would help to protect me in life.”
(Feinberg 8)
0 In the book Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg there’s a part
where her old Indian neighbor gave Jesse a ring. The interesting
part was that even her Indian Neighbor thought that something
was wrong with her since she was a little kid. The old lady told her
that she would have a hard life and that the ring would protect her.
It shows that the society in that time did not accept different
people and wanted to make these people think that there is
something wrong with them. Ring was a token in order to cure her
“Sickness”. They kept treating her like she needed help and it got
to a point where she actually expected the ring to do something
special. However she found out that nobody and nothing would
help her and she has to help herself and that was the reason she
decided t become a stone butch.
39. “They said they were taking me to the hospital for a blood test.
We rode up in an elevator ride to the floor where the test was
supposed to be done. Two huge men in white uniforms took me
off the elevator. My parents stayed on. Then the men turned and
locked the gate, barring the elevator. I reached for my parents,
but they wouldn’t even look at me as the elevator door closed”
(21).
0 Her parents just gave her away to the ‘hospital’; I see this
scene way too often in movies and television. But no matter
how many times I see this, I would just be pissed to no end.
[. . .] just because one is different from others doesn’t mean
they should be sent into a crazy house
40. “Bobby unlaced his uniform pants and jammed his penis into my
vagina. The pain traveled up my belly, scaring the hell out of me, It
felt like something ripped deep inside of me. I counted the
attackers. There was six.”…“Is this how men and women have
sex?…sex suddenly seemed so ridiculous. Jeffrey pulled his cock
out of me and slapped my face, back and forth…I heard the sound
of a whistle. “Shit, it’s the coach,” Frank Humphrey warned the
other guys…All the boys scattered toward the gym. I was alone of
the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, I wobbled as I
tried to stand There were grass stains on my skirt and blood and
slimy stuff running down my legs. “Get out of here, you little
whore,” Coach Moriarty ordered.” “See you tomorrow, lesbo,’ I
heard Bobby yell as they passed” (Feinberg 41).
41. It is clear that hatred, lack of respect, and discrimination of both women and
of people that identify as gay are emphasized within this passage. This
passage is both shocking and troubling to read due to the fact I finally
understand the deeper issues that homosexual people face. The trials and
tribulations that Jess faces “puts a face” of the deeper social issues that the
LGBTQ community face. Feinberg provides a glance of what it means to not
only a women in America but also a gay women. I resonated with this passage
so deeply because I understand the struggles, stereotypes, and stigma that
women face, and how you have to hold your ground against men. Feinberg
brilliantly expresses the issues of not only the problems of being Gay in
America and how people are mistreated and discriminated against. In
addition, the character of Coach Moriarty highlights the issue of how people
view women and how they constantly blamed for situations in which they are
abused by men and how so many turn their backs and criticize women for
rape and sexual harassment. Coach Moriarty symbolizes the issues how men
are viewed as dominate to women and how women should be the blame and
how they should be submissive to their counterparts.
42. “There were grass strains on my skirt and blood and slimy stuff
running down my legs. ” Get out of here you little whore”, Coach
Moriarty ordered” (40)
0 Jessie was raped by 6 football players in her school. It was a
frightening experience that she did not have to suffer to. No one
deserves to be rape for any reason, especially not for being
different. This quote stood out to me because the reaction of
the coach is unexpected. I was grateful when the players saw
the coach coming. I was hoping Coach Moriarty would defend
Jessie and stop what was going on. However, the coach did not
punish the football players and even called Jessie a ‘little
whore’. It made me furious that even the school teacher can not
do his/her duty of protecting and teaching the kids as to what
is right and what is wrong. School is where kids develop their
way of thinking and having Coach Moriarty as part of the staff
will not do any good to the students.
43. “There you were, leaning up against the bar, your jeans too tight for
words and your hair, your hair all loose and free. And I remember
that look in your eyes again. You didn’t just know me, you liked what
you saw. And this time, ooh woman, we were on our own turf. I could
move the way you wanted me to, and I was glad I’d gotten all dressed
up” (Feinberg 40)
0 This quote stood out to me because it depicts the oppression
woman like her face. Not being able to be themselves and
express their feelings in whatever manner they wanted. We
can infer that they at a gay bar when she says “our own turf”,
now they are in a place that lets them have the freedom to be
themselves and not be ashamed of being different. Our society
tends to discriminate those who don’t follow the norm and it
does nothing but worsen our unity as whole.
44. “Someone hit the side of my knee with a nightstick. My knees buckled more from
fear than pain. Mulroney grabbed me by the collar and dragged me several feet
away to a steel toilet. There was a piece of unflushed shit floating in the water.
“Either eat me or eat my shit, bulldagger. It’s up to you.” I was too frightened to
think or move. I held my breath the first time he shoved my head in the toilet. The
second time he held me under so long I sucked in water and felt the hard shape of
the shit against my tongue…I spewed vomit all over him…retched over and over
again” (62).
It is troubling that authorities such as the police can dehumanize an individual
for their identity. The issue of discrimination and prejudice is so evident within
the novel, this passages highlights the issue that people are judged and
mistreated by authoritative figures that are suppose to be there to serve and
protect. Jess along with many others that are presented in the novel are fearful of
the police because they have no rights and are not treated as humans because
they are gay. This passage stood out because being someone of color I too fear the
police because to them I am considered to be “different” because of my racial
identity, just as Jess is viewed to be “different” because of sexual identity,
therefore that gives them and others the idea to dehumanize, abuse, and mistreat
me and others that they are view to be “abnormal”.
45. “My face flushed. I walked away from the counter without the
beer. A powerful rage rose inside me. Why was I so angry? This
was what I wanted, wasn’t it? To be able to be myself and yet live
without fear? It just didn’t seem fair. All my life I’d been told
everything about me was really twisted and sick”(178).
0 This quote really stood out to me because I was a bit
confused as to why he was angry. I understand that now he
is seen as cute and that angers him. When he is seen as cis
male, he is able to walk around without fear. The gender
binary system oppresses those who don’t conform, and
now he is seen as cis male. He feels more alone than he
ever did. His friend, Grant, asks him if he is transsexual, he
says no. My question is if he felt lonely lying to a woman
about using a dildo, then why didn’t he date femmes? Or
when he begins to date Annie, the issue is that he is lying
to her about passing, so why not tell her? Why are people
so mean?
46. “Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I
finally began to agree they were right” (23).
0 How does the pressure from the social construct
(family, community, society, rules, traditions) work to
our (individual, familial, community, cultural)
advantage and how is it destructive?
47. In-class Writing
0 Choose a moment when Jess intentionally passes.
How does this experience change who ze is? How do
you know?
0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this
affect hir in the same way? How do you know?
48. HOMEWORK
0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay through Kaizena
before Friday, week 6, at noon.
0 Read: Stone Butch Blues (196-End)
Post #13: Finish in-class writing on Jess’s passing. Use
textual evidence to support your assertions.
0 Post #14: Explore an experience Jess has with a medical
professional. Does her gender identity influence the
treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a
quotation with a citation.
0 Study: Terms
