A few tips and guidelines on how to be effective parents. Some of the topics discussed are; 1. Guidelines for Setting and Maintaining Rules 2. 6 Ways to help kids deal with anger. 3. 6 Things you should never say to your child

1. Guyana Islamic Trust
R4D2-Georgetown District
FAMILY SEMINAR
Sunday, 18th January 2014
Presented by Shazad Sookram

2. It was narrated that ‗Abd-Allaah ibn ‗Umar
(ra)said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings be upon him) say:
―Each of you is a shepherd
and each of you is
responsible for his flock.
The ruler is a shepherd and
is responsible for his flock.
A man is the shepherd of
his family and is
responsible for his flock. A
woman is the shepherd of
her husband‘s household
and is responsible for her
flock. Each of you is a
shepherd and is
responsible for his flock.‖
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 583;Muslim, 1829.

3. Responsibility: The Prophets were responsible for their followers, the
leaders are responsible for their citizens, the husband is responsible for
his wife and children, the wife is responsible for the family in her
husband‘s absence and as parents you are responsible for your
children.
Patience: Being a shepherd teaches you as a parent to be patient. The flock
(children) will fight and squabble, they will play and want to hang
about. You can't say, 'it's time to leave' to a flock of sheep, you have
wait for them to finish what they're doing.
Protection: There are dangers which we can't see and there are obstacles
which animals cannot see. Animals need protection from diseases, from
attacks, from toxic food and dangers. Only an alert shepherd standing
tall can be on top of it all. The same applies for children.
Why Sheep?:In the biography (seerah) of Prophet Muhammad, Allah's peace
and blessings be upon him, we learn he was a shepherd of sheep. Most
of the prophets cared for the same, but why sheep? As a dim-witted
creature, the sheep is weak and needs more guidance. It cannot direct
itself without assistance and easily falls prey to predators. The animal
that leaves the flock will be eaten by the wolf. Our children are like
sheep and we have a responsibility to protect them and keep them
within the family1.
1.http://www.theecomuslim.com/2013/05/lessons-prophets-shepherds.html

4. The Messenger of Allah(sas)
said: ―Upon death, man‘s
deeds will (definitely) stop
except for three deeds,
namely: a continuous
charitable fund, endowment or goodwill;
knowledge left for people to benefit from; and
pious, righteous and God-fearing child who
continuously pray Allah, the Almighty, for the
soul of his parents.―
(Muslim)

6. 

Do you wonder what to do to get your child to
listen to you? Do you feel that nothing you do
makes your child do as you want? Do you feel
frustrated and do you despair? These guidelines
might help you in the right direction.
Many parents wonder what they could do to get
children to abide to the rules they set. Some
important information about setting and
maintaining rules in what is called ‗the 5 C‘s.‘ Try
to answer the following 5 C questions below to
discover if you have a strong foundation for
discipline.

7. 

Are they, in other words, suitable for your child?
They are suitable if they take into consideration the
needs and abilities of your child.
If you want your toddler to be quiet all the time
and sit in his room for the most part of the
day, then your rules are not considerate because
toddlers need to be active physically and verbally
and they are not able to be quiet for a long time.
Do you want your adolescent to always be at home
and do you prohibit him from sharing his
wishes, then your rules are likewise inconsiderate
because adolescents feel the need to be with their
friends and they feel the need of sharing their
opinion and being valued for it. Inconsiderate rules
are bound to be broken.

8. 




Clarity of rules means that your child understands
them. It‘s best for rules to exactly describe the
desired or expected behaviour. A rule like: ‖Don‘t
be aggressive‖ might be clear for older children but
is unclear for young children.
What does aggressiveness mean?
Is it not hitting (physical aggression) or not
screaming (verbal aggression) or something else?
A rule like: ―Let go of each other‖ or ―Hold the toys
in your hand‖ would be better alternatives because
they let children exactly know what to do.
It‘s even better to combine this with a rational
explanation, like ―Hold the toys in your hand, toys
are not for throwing‖ or ―Let go of each
other, squeezing hurts.‖

9. 

Rules should be steady because an important aim
of rules is to provide structure. If the rules change
every day, they have an opposite effect. Your child
wouldn‘t know what to expect which isn‘t helpful
for his behaviour.
Consistent rules provide predictability and
structure which creates a feeling of safety in
children. This doesn‘t mean that rules can‘t be
changed. They can be changed if it‘s in the benefit
of the child. If a child grows older, then a rule like:
‗You have to walk hand in hand‘ can for example
be changed to: ‗Let me know where you are when
you go out‘.

10. 

This means that your response to behaviour is the same at
different times and in different situations. Some parents
reward a behaviour one day, punish it the second day and
ignore it the third day or they tell children to clear up the
toys one day and the other day they say it‘s okay to leave
the toys on the floor. This makes the child feel that you do
not really mean what you say as a result of which he will
take your rules and instructions less serious.
It‘s recommended to do as you say and to respond in the
same way to behaviour. This doesn‘t mean that if a situation
or occasion makes a change of behaviour beneficial or even
necessary, that this shouldn‘t be done. If it is a Saturday
and your child has no school the next day, you could let him
stay up for a bit longer for example while letting him know
that it‘s only on that day so that he does not take the
exception as the rule. Likewise if a child is sick there is no
harm in taking him into your bed if you usually require him
to sleep in his own.

11. 

This means that you and your partner both have
the same set of rules and that both your responses
to your child‘s behaviour is similar. If this doesn‘t
happen, your child will always have an excuse to
not abide to a rule. He could for example say: ―Dad
doesn‘t mind me having a cookie, so… ‖ This
couldn‘t be the option if parents parent
cooperatively.
If you‘ve responded to the most of these questions
in the affirmative, then it‘s likely that you have a
strong basis for discipline. If you don‘t, then it
might be beneficial to incorporate the C that you
are not practicing at the moment. If you did answer
the most of these questions in the affirmative but
your child is still not following the rules you‘ve
set, ask yourself the following questions:

12. 


If your child is playing calmly with his sister
without fighting for example, do you give him a
complement or do you ignore his behaviour?
If you only give attention at moments your child
shows undesired behaviour, your child might learn
that attention is to be literally fought for.
If a child doesn‘t get positive attention (i.e.
attention when he does something ‗good‘), he will
seek negative attention (i.e. attention when he
does something ‗bad‘).

13. 



Do I scream and swear when I want the child to
change his behaviour?
It‘s recommended to come close to young
children, call them by name, look them in the eyes
and tell them what you want them to do. The benefit
of coming close to the child and looking him in the
eyes is having his full attention.
The bigger the distance is, the more likely it is that
the child is not focused and thus doesn‘t absorb
what you say. This might prevent him from following
your instruction.
After you know you have the attention of your
child, you could for example say: ―I want you to clear
up the toys when you‘re finished playing, so that the
room looks tidy again.‖

14. 

This means that you tell a child what he can do when
you tell him what he can‘t do. If he draws on the
wall, you could for example say: ―the walls are not for
drawing, you can draw on this paper instead.‖ When
you tell him that he can‘t have a sweet now, you could
tell him when he can have a sweet or what he can have
instead.
It is even better to not give the child the feeling that he
can‘t have or do something. If he asks if he can play
outside and you do not want to allow that because he
hasn‘t had his dinner yet, you could say: ―Yes, after you
had your dinner‖ instead of saying ―No, not now. You
haven‘t had your dinner yet.‖ The first sentence would
likely make your child less frustrated while letting him
know what is required of him (eating dinner). It may
also motivate him to eat his dinner because he knows
that after he finishes, he can do something he desires.

15. 

A logical penalty means that the consequence that
follows your child‘s misbehaviour, is logically related to
his behaviour. If you told him that he should walk and
stay close to you when you walk with him and he starts
running, then a logical consequence is to not allowing
him to run by telling him that he has to hold your
hand.
It would be illogical to say that he is not allowed to
watch his favourite cartoon for example. The more
logical the consequence is, the more reasonable it is
and the more the child will learn from it. It is important
though to tell the child what the penalty will be if he
doesn‘t do as agreed upon (walking nearby for
example) so that the penalty will not come as a
surprise.

16. 
Remember, changes might take time. Applying
the C‘s and other points mentioned above can
take effort and training. Also your children could
resist to changes in the beginning. If your child
is used to you always giving in for
example, then being consequent in not giving in
can cause him to resist. But no worries, after a
while, he will most likely conform to the rules.

17. 

It‘s hard finding a parent these days who isn‘t
worried about their kids‘ emotional well-being.
Whether we care to admit it or not, the steady
onslaught of violent images on television, video
games, the Internet, movies, music lyrics, and in
our newspapers are hurting our children. The
result: too many kids are becoming desensitized to
violence, and have learned that anger is the only
way to solve a problem.
While that‘s the bad news, there is some good
news and here it is: Here‘s six ideas to violence is
learned, but so is calmness! get you started:

18. 

The best way to teach kids how to deal with anger
constructively is by showing them through your
example! After all, you don‘t learn how to calm down
by reading about it in a book, but by seeing someone
do it. So use those frustrating experiences as ―on-thespot lessons‖ to your child of ways to calm down.
Here‘s an example: Suppose you get a phone call from
the auto shop saying your car estimate has now
doubled. You‘re furious, and standing nearby is your
child now watching you very closely. Muster every
ounce of calmness and use it as an instant anger
control lesson for your child: ―I am so angry right now‖
you calmly tell your child. ―The auto shop just doubled
the price for fixing my car.‖ Then offer a calm-down
solution: ―I‘m going on a quick walk so I can get back
in control.‖ Your example is what your child will copy.

19. 
One of the toughest parts of parenting is when
children address their anger towards us. If you‘re
not careful, you find their anger fueling emotions
in you that you never realized were in you.
Beware: anger is contagious. It‘s best to make a
rule in your home from the start: ―In this house we
solve problems when we‘re calm and in control.‖

And then consistently reinforce the rule.
Here‘s an example of how you might use it. The
next time your child is angry and wants a quick
solution, you might say, ―I need a time out. Let‘s
talk about this later‖ and then exit calmly and
don‘t answer back.

20. 

Many kids display anger because they simply don‘t know
how to express their frustrations any other way.
Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things
may be the only way they know how to show their feelings.
Asking this kid to ―tell me how you feel‖ is
unrealistic, because he may not have learned the words to
tell you how he is feeling! To help him express his
anger, create a feeling word poster together saying: ―Let‘s
think of all the words we could use that tell others we‘re
really angry‖ then list his ideas.

Here‘s a few:
angry, mad, frustrated, furious, irritated, ticked
off, irate, and incensed. Write them on a chart, hang it
up, and practice using them often. When your child is
angry, use the words so he can apply them to real life:
―Looks like you‘re really angry. Want to talk about it?‖ or
―You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off?‖ Then
keep adding new emotion words to the list whenever new
ones come up in those great ―teachable moments‖
opportunities throughout the day.

21. 

There‘s dozens of ways to help kids calm down when
they first start to get angry. Unfortunately, many kids
have never been given the opportunity to think of
those other possibilities. And so they keep getting into
trouble because the only behavior they know is
inappropriate ways to express their anger.
So talk with your child about more acceptable
―replacer‖ behaviors. You might want to make a big
poster listing them. Here‘s a few ideas : walk
away, think of a peaceful place, run a lap, listen to
Quran, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, draw pictures, talk
to someone, or sing a chant.

Once the child chooses his ―calm down‖
technique, encourage him to use the same strategy
each time he starts to get angry.

22. 

Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn
us when we‘re getting angry. We should listen to them
because they can help us stay out of trouble.
Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs
she may have that tells her she‘s starting to get upset such
as, ―I talk louder, my cheeks get flushed, I clench my
fists, my heart pounds, my mouth gets dry and I breathe
faster.‖

Once she‘s aware of them, start pointing them out to her
whenever she first starts to get frustrated. ―Looks like
you‘re starting to get out of control.‖ or ―Your hands are in a
fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?‖

The more we help kids recognize those early angry warning
signs when their anger is first triggered, the better they will
be able to calm themselves down. It‘s also the time when
anger management strategies are most effective. Anger
escalates very quickly, and waiting until a child is already in
―melt down‖ to try to get her back into control is usually too
late.

23. 
A very effective strategy for helping kids to calm down
is called ―3 + 10.‖ You might want to print the formula
on large pieces of paper and hang them all around
your house. Then tell the child how to use the
formula: ―As soon as you feel your body sending you a
warning sign that says you‘re losing control, do two
things. First, take 3 deep slow breaths from your
tummy.‖ (Model this with your child. Show her how to
take a deep breath then tell her to pretend she‘s
riding an escalator. Start at the bottom step and as
you take the breath, ride up the escalator slowly. Hold
it! Now ride slowly down the escalator releasing your
breath steadily at the same time). ―That‘s 3. Now
count slowly to ten inside your head. That‘s 10. Put
them all together, it‘s 3 + 10 and it helps you calm
down.‖

24. 


Teaching children a new way to deal with their anger
constructively is not easy– especially if they have only
practiced aggressive ways to deal with their
frustrations.
Research tells us learning new behaviors take a
minimum of 21 days of repetition. So here‘s a
recommendation:
Choose one skill your child needs to be more
successful and emphasize the same skill a few minutes
every day for at least 21 days! Besides, the possibility
your child will really learn the new skill will be much
stronger, because he‘s been practicing the same
technique over and over, and that‘s exactly the way you
learn any new skill. It‘s also the best way to stem the
onslaught of violence and help our kids lead more
successful, peaceful lives.

25. 


Do you find yourself saying things to your child during an
argument without even thinking about it? Let‘s face it, it‘s
almost impossible to be detached or objective when your
child is in your face fighting with you. And naturally, it
feels like a personal attack when he‘s saying rude things
or calling you names. During those moments, it‘s all too
easy to respond with something hurtful. All of a
sudden, your feelings take over—your emotions jump
into the driver‘s seat and your thinking moves into the
back seat.
What comes out of your mouth doesn‘t always get into
your child‘s ear the way you want it to.
Almost every parent has gotten mad and said things to
their kids they wish they could take back. The trick is to
figure out how to remain in control so you don‘t end up
saying something you‘ll regret. Though this is easier said
than done, trust me, it is possible—and it‘s a skill you
can learn, just like anything else.

26. 


If you have a teenager in the house, you‘ve probably seen him get
upset about issues that seem insignificant or petty. You wonder
how he can stomp into his room and slam the door just for the
slightest things.
While his behavior might seem ridiculous by adult standards, try
to refrain from invalidating his feelings. Think about a scenario
where you‘ve been upset and someone has brushed off your
emotions. How did that make you feel? When a child believes his
thoughts or feelings have been denied, not only does he feel
more isolated, he‘s liable to get even more angry, frustrated and
moody.
So if your child says, ―You never take my side; you‘re always on
my brother‘s side,‖ during an argument, and you reply, ―No, that‘s
not true,‖ that‘s also a form of invalidation. Instead of
saying, ―That‘s not true,‖ I think you could say, ―Well, I see that a
little differently. Tell me more about how you see it.‖

By the way, you wouldn‘t want to ask that question during an
argument, because it will just draw out the fighting and give your
child more ammunition. Do it afterward, when he has calmed
down and is ready to talk.

27. 


Even though it sounds fairly harmless, this one-two punch knocks
down your child and his dad or mom. When Dad is frequently
criticized in the home, for example, it‘s not a compliment to your
child to be compared to his father. And every time his dad is put
down in the future, your child will receive two more punches.
It‘s uncomfortable for kids to hear their parents saying negative
things about each other, and if a child has been labeled as being
―just like his dad,‖ he will feel anger and shame when Dad is
criticized.
It‘s also a mistake to say things like, ―Why can‘t you be more like
your brother?‖ This is a pitfall for parents, especially when you
have one child who acts out and one who behaves fairly
reasonably. When you use this kind of comparison, it‘s hurtful
and also pits your children against each other—you are tapping
directly into sibling rivalry and actually fanning the flames
between your kids. Remember, they are unique and each has
good qualities.

28. 

Being called a screw-up or an idiot is demeaning. These
things are said to make people feel shame, or to put them
in their place. Though many people think shame is a good
way to punish kids, but it does not give children the tools
they need to learn new skills. In fact, it will often have the
opposite effect because it may cause them to withdraw. In
the long run, shame will make your child less capable of
making the right decisions.
By the way, shame is different from guilt, which can actually
be a healthy emotion. Feeling guilty is not bad because it
contains feelings of remorse and accountability. You should
feel regret when you do something wrong or hurtful; that‘s
natural. You want your child to feel some guilt when she
borrows her sister‘s sweater without asking and then ruins
it—and you want her to be accountable for that action. But
don‘t use shame to try to make your child feel guilty. Shame
has the effect of saying, ―You‘re a worthless person.‖ When
the message is one of embarrassment and humiliation, it
doesn‘t teach accountability.

29. 

We‘ve all been fed up with our kids and thrown up
our hands, but this phrase makes children feel
isolated and should be avoided. ―I‘m through with
you,‖ is an angry threat often said with the desire
to hurt the other person. In the longterm, continuing to say these types of remarks to
your child will hurt your relationship.
Think of it this way: A child depends on his parents
for survival. Parents provide
protection, food, clothing and housing. So if the
person who is in charge of nurturing the child
makes a statement saying, ―I‘m cutting you off,‖
it‘s shocking, frightening and can be very

30. 

First of all, I want to say that you‘re not a monster if
you‘ve felt this way. We are all capable of feeling
negative things at certain times. After a difficult day or
a crushing argument with your child, you might
think, ―Sometimes I wish I never had children,‖ because
you‘re exhausted, drained and upset. It‘s important to
understand that this feeling is ―of the moment,‖ and is
not your overall emotion.
When you‘re feeling this way, it is recommended that
you bite your tongue and take some time to yourself to
decompress and get back on track. Using these words
to make your child feel badly for something he‘s done
will usually only serve to make your relationship with
him more volatile. If your child thinks he has nothing
to lose—including your affection—he will often act out
more.

31. 
When you say, ―I hate you, too,‖ to win an
argument with your child, you‘ve already lost.
You‘re not your child‘s peer and you‘re not in a
competition with him. By saying ―I hate you,‖
you‘ve just brought yourself down to your child‘s
level of maturity and left him thinking, ―If my
parent finds me repulsive, then I must be.‖

If you do say this to your child in the heat of an
argument, it‘s important to go back later and
say, ―Listen, I realize that I said, ‗I hate you, too,‘
and I want to apologize. It was wrong to say that to
you. I am going to try to do a better job with my
anger in the future.‖ Keep it about your issues; you
don‘t have to give your child a long explanation.

32. 

Parents wield a lot of psychological power over
their kids. We tend to forget that sometimes—
especially when our children are making us crazy.
This happens to every parent, but we have to
remember to hold back our emotions and our
words and only say the things that are going to
help teach the lessons we want our kids to learn.
If you‘re in that moment of extreme anger and
frustration with your child here are several things
you can do.

33. Take a deep breath:
Take a deep breath when you‘re upset. This
will make you feel less tense and the pause
will give you time to stop yourself from
saying those hurtful words.
Look at it this way: what happens when one
side lets go of the rope in tug-of-war? The
line goes slack and the other side has
nothing to struggle against anymore. Take
a deep breath and let go of that rope. This
will give you time to calm down and
regroup.


34. Refocus:
Learn how to refocus your child on the task at
hand. If you‘re trying to get your 12-year-old to
do their homework and he gets angry and says, ―I
hate you,‖ I suggest you respond with, ―We‘re not

talking about whether you love or hate me right
now. What we‘re talking about is you doing your
math. Let‘s focus on that.‖
Kids will sometimes try to manipulate parents into
a power struggle in order to avoid doing
something they don‘t want to do. Try to focus on
what needs to be done—and don‘t let their words
derail you or bring you down to their maturity
level.

35.  Replace
your words with an action:
Recognize that if you‘ve gotten to the
point where you‘re about to blurt
something out that you may
regret, it‘s a sign that you should
leave the argument altogether.
What you need in this situation is an
exit strategy. Simply state, ―I don‘t
want to talk about this right now.
We‘ll talk later when things are
calmer.‖ Then leave the room.

36. The notes for this presentation were taken from
the following sources with slight adaptation:
1. http://muslimparentingpages.com/default.aspx
2. http://micheleborba.com/6-ways-to-helpkids-handle-anger/
3. http://www.empoweringparents.com/6-thingsyou-should-never-say-to-yourchild.php?&key=Abusive-And-Violent-Behavior
4. http://www.effectiveislamicparenting.com/201
2/06/setting-and-maintaining-rules/


37. 
THE END