This document discusses the emotional challenges of divorce and alternatives to the traditional adversarial approach. It notes that divorce can cause high stress, anxiety, depression, and vulnerability in the first two years. While the legal process requires preparation for trial, focusing on the future rather than past hurts can help divorcing parties. An attorney's approach can set an emotional tone that remains throughout the process. Finding alternatives that promote cooperation over "winning" may lead to better long-term outcomes.

1. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness An alternative to “divorce” Michael J. Stewart, Esq. & Kathleen J. Stewart, Psy.D.

2. “Divorce” or “Pursuit of Happiness” Divorce attorney In pursuit of happiness attorney In pursuit of peace of mind attorney Divorce can be a seismic event The legal process itself is stressful and frustrating How the attorney approaches the process will necessarily affect how his client approaches/feels about the process

3. Emotions & Divorce Guilt, anger, humiliation, and fear are universal Secondary anxiety can undermine ability to concentrate at work, attend to children’s needs, etc. Despondency, depression, and sadness are common Studies show that in comparison to married men, men who go through a divorce or dissolution of a common-law marriage are 6 times as likely to suffer from depression in the following 2 years Divorced/divorcing women are 3.5 times as likely to suffer depression in comparison to their married peers

4. The first 2 years It is essential that matrimonial attorneys do not underestimate the emotional fragility of their clients The period that begins with the separation has been called “crazy time” by some The first 2years present the most intense challenges…and also the opportunity for positive change During this time, both genders experience increased physical difficulties and illness due to the effects of unusually intense stress on the immune system

5. The first 2 years Changes in self-concept during this period can be in a positive direction or may reveal dependence and vulnerabilities not previously seen During this period, individuals display more psychological and behavioral problems than individuals in intact marriages May be manifest as depression, anti-social behavior, anxiety, lower life satisfaction, higher stress, and higher rates of alcoholism This period includes the most acute stress, rapid shifts in life circumstances, loss of familiarity, and changes in self-image

6. The first 2 years Individual’s self-control may be compromised, which is important for both the client and his/her attorney to recognize…luckily, there is a 90 day minimum wait time for parties to consent to a divorce The individual typically seeks an attorney, either because they or their spouse have decided to initiate a divorce, during this period Interestingly, the 2 year period is also important in the legal process

7. The first 2 years A 2 year separation is the minimum time for 1 party to unilaterally proceed with the divorce These time restraints protect both parties and can be thought of as reflecting the different levels of emotions parties experience during a divorce Finding 2 parties emotionally prepared to conclude a divorce 90 days after the initiation of a divorce proceeding is rare Typically, whether the individual is the initiator or noninitiatoris reflected in their emotional experience and presentation during this time

8. The first 2 years The 2 year wait period allows the noninitiator to “catch up” in terms of mourning the relationship, mobilizing coping skills and his/her support network, adjust to changes, etc. It also allows the initiator to be legally divorced after 2 years, regardless of whether or not the noninitiator agrees

9. Guilt, Fault, & who “wins”? As previously stated, guilt is an emotion typically experienced by both divorcing parties Oftentimes, individuals feel it is their fault they are divorcing But…fault is no longer an issue in terms of the legal preceedings Even without the issue of fault, the way divorce plays out legally is an adversarial process

10. Guilt, Fault, & who “wins”? Between 97 and 99% of all divorces settle prior to trial, but there is still preparation for trial For most divorcing couples the legal process of divorce involves the unique experience of preparing for trial and then attempting to negotiate a settlement A trial involves winning and losing, while settlement requires cooperation and negotiation…how the attorney approaches both of these may set the emotional tone that will remain throughout the process If we’re thinking about winning and losing, what is the “prize”?

11. Future focus Despite the adversarial nature of the legal process, there is something to be learned from its focus on the future Throughout the legal process, attorney and client are preparing for future hearings, trial, etc. The theme of preparation for the future is important for both divorcing parties Preparing for the future takes the emphasis off past hurts and turns attention to upcoming tasks, goals, opportunities…and, hopefully, future happiness

12. References Davies, L., Avison, W., & McAlpine, D. (1997). Significant life experiences and depression among single and married mothers, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 59, 294-308. Hemstrom, O. (1996). Is marriage dissolution linked to differences in mortality rates for men and women?, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58, 366-378. Hetherington, E. & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York: W.W. Norton & Co., Inc. Hilton, J. & Kopera-Frye, K. (2004). Patterns of psychological adjustment among divorced custodial parents, Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 41 (3/4), 1-30. Joung, I., Stronks, K., Van de Mheen, H., Van Poppel, F., Van Der Meer, J., & Mackenbach, J. (1997). The contribution of intermediary factors to marital status differences in self-reported health, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 59, 476-490. Margulies, S. & Luchow, A. (1992). Litigation, mediation, and the psychology of divorce, The Journal of Psychiatry and Law, 20, 483-504.

13. References Portnoy, S. (2006). The psychology of divorce: A lawyer’s primer Part 1—The effects of divorce on adults, American Journal of Family Law, 20 (2), 73-79. Power, C., Rodgers, B., & Hope, S. (1999). Heavy alcohol consumption and marital status: Disentangling the relationship in a national study of young adults, Addiction, 94 (10), 1477-1487. Rotermann, M. (2007). Marital breakdown and subsequent depression, Health Reports, 18 (2),33-44. Simon, R. & Marcussen, K. (1999). Marital transitions, marital beliefs, and mental health, Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 40, 111-125. Trafford, A. (1982). Crazy time. New York: Harper Perennial.