Chinese english writing skill - 商务写作教程

汇丰商务英语写作教程（22）.......................................................................................................77
汇丰商务英语写作教程（29）.......................................................................................................96
汇丰商务英语写作教程（30）.......................................................................................................99
汇丰商务英语写作教程（31）.....................................................................................................103
汇丰商务英语写作教程（32）.....................................................................................................106
汇丰银行商务写作教程（1）
[ 2007-05-11 11:33 ]
这是汇丰银行内部培训员工用的写作课程。它把写作分为五步：计划、组织、草稿、修改和编辑。分
成 8 章讲解。讲解的时候举具体的例子做示范，对提高商务写作能力很有帮助。今天我们先来了
解一下教程的体系和学习计划。
HSBC Writing Course--"Writing for Results"
Chapter 1 Plan your writing
Chapter 2 Organise your writing
Chapter 3 Draft and revise your writing to make it complete
Chapter 4 Revise your writing to make it cohesive
Chapter 5 Revise your writing to make it clear and concise
Chapter 6 Revise your writing to make it courteous
Chapter 7 Structure difficult letters
Chapter 8 Edit your writing
Introduction
Welcome to "Writing for Results", a course that can help you enhance your
English writing skills.
HSBC has designed this course for its staff in the Asia Pacific region. HSBC staff
study this course to improve the e-mails, memos, faxes and letters they write at
work.
If you've never written business documents before, you'll find this course
extremely useful. Even if you're familiar with business writing, this course can still
help you.
https://www.facebook.com/hoc.huynhba 1

"Writing For Results" will help you write in a modern style. By the end of this
course you'll be able to write business documents that are: better organized,
more complete, clearer and more concise, more courteous, more correct.
The most important feature of the Writing Process is its five stages:
plan--organize--draft--revise--edit
Good writers follow the five stages of the Writing Process to
--meet their readers' expectations
--get the results they want.
[ 2007-05-14 10:37 ]
开始写作之前要有个计划，这样在写作的时候才会知道自己要写什么、写作的目的是什么，才能
更好的考虑用什么样的写作方式。
Chapter 1 Plan
Objectives:
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to plan your writing. You'll do
this by deciding:
--why you are writing
--how you want your reader to respond
--what you want your reader to know
Why do you plan?
What is the value of planning? Think about this...
Have you ever sat at your desk not knowing how to begin? Very often, you may
find writing difficult because you start writing right away. In other words, you
overlook the importance of planning before you write. Unfortunately, "if you fail
to plan, you plan to fail." So you need to plan your writing ... and then write
according to your plan. If you plan well, your writing is more likely to get the
results you want.
How can you plan your writing?
Effective writers use 3 strategies.

WHY are you writing?
WHAT do you want the reader to do?
WHAT does the reader need to know?
These 3 questions provide a good framework for planning. Let’s look at them one
by one.
Why are you writing?
The business world is full of busy people. They don't want to waste time reading
meaningless letters, memos, faxes and e-mails. They don't want to guess why
you're writing to them. That's why it's very important for you to state your
purpose for writing very clearly at the beginning.
Look at the following letter:
20 September 200X
Mr Robert Roman
13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Roman
HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766
Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.
We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card
account annually despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However,
annual fee can be refunded provided that the card is uncollected within a certain
period and is returned to the Card Centre for cancellation.
Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
We are pleased to be of service.
Yours sincerely
S TSE
Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre

Simon's letter is not as effective as it could be. It's actually quite difficult to
identify his purpose. You may have had to guess.
Simon probably wanted to do two things:
--to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card and
--to explain how the annual fee for credit cards is charged.
So, you need to identify your purpose for writing. Your readers need to know why
you are writing to them. Therefore, you should state your purpose for writing
very clearly at the beginning. You can do this by writing a sentence which
begins with a set phrase followed by a verb. For example,
I’m writing to / I would like to…explain / request…
When you use this method to state your purpose, the verb you choose is very
important. Why? Because it helps your reader understand why you are writing.
Here are some of the verbs you can use: announce, complain, confirm,
explain, inform, notify, propose, request and suggest.
WHAT do you want the reader to do?
After you decide why you are writing, you need to determine your reader's
response.
Your readers need to know exactly what you want them to do. Therefore, you
should be very specific when determining your reader's response. Compare the
following two sentences:
1. Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
2. Please pick up your new card at our Central branch by 31 May.
Sentence 2 is more specific than sentence 1.
Remember: when you decide what you want your reader to do, you need
to be as specific as possible.
WHAT does the reader need to know?
So far, you've learned how to determine your purpose for writing and your
reader's response. But how can you determine what your reader needs to
know? The answer depends on:
--why you are writing and
--what you want the reader to do.
Look at the letter again:
20 September 200X
Mr Robert Roman

13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Roman
HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766
Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.
We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card account
annually despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However, annual fee can be
refunded provided that the card is uncollected within a certain period and is returned to
the Card Centre for cancellation.
Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
We are pleased to be of service.
Yours sincerely
S TSE
Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre
(1) IF Simon
--wants to explain the charges (writer's purpose)
--expects Mr Roman to understand the charges (reader's response)
THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)
--WHAT the charges are
--WHY the charges are applied
--WHO to talk to if he has questions
(2) IF Simon
--wants to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card (writer's purpose)
--expects Mr Roman to collect his credit card (reader's response)
THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)
--HOW to collect his credit card
--WHERE to collect his credit card
--WHEN to collect his credit card
He needs to know WHO? WHAT? WHY? WHERE? WHEN? and HOW? Some
professional writers call these the five W's and the one H. You can use the

"5WIH" questions when you plan the reader's information. If you do this, you
will ensure that your reader has all the necessary information.
Summary
In this chapter, you've learned the three strategies used in planning. Planning is
a key to success in writing. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
Before you start to write, you have to plan what to write. You then write
according to your plan. When you plan, you need to consider the following:
--the writer's purpose
--the reader's response
--the reader's information.
In other words, you can help your reader by stating very clearly why you are
writing and how you expect your reader to respond. The 5W1H questions (who,
what, why, where, when and how) help to ensure you have included all the
necessary information.
Then, you can provide the information your reader needs to know.

[ 2007-05-15 13:38 ]
Welcome to Chapter 2.
In Chapter 1 you learned how to plan a business letter.
In this chapter, you're going to look at the second stage of the Writing Process:
Plan　to Organise.
Organise
This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for
producing effective correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study
each chapter of this course in order, beginning with the introductory chapter
"Getting Started".
Objectives
By the end of this chapter you'll be able to organise your writing.
You'll do this by
• preparing a clear outline
• arranging the contents to fit the outline.
Planning: A Quick Review
In Chapter 1, you learned about the planning stage of the Writing Process.
Before you can organise your writing, it's important that you have planned. Do
you remember the three things you need to plan before beginning to write?
Strategies Description
Writer's purpose Why you are writing
Reader's response How you want the reader to respond
Reader's information What you want the reader to know

Organising: Why Do It
A well-organised letter, memo, fax or e-mail is easy to read and understand.
If you organise the contents of your correspondence well, you are more likely to
get the results you want.
So, organising is just as important as planning.
In fact, the second stage of the Writing Process is closely related to the first.
In the organising stage, you arrange what you've planned to write. In other
words, you make an outline.
Organising: How To Do It
How do you organise what you have planned?
Do you need to use a different outline for every letter, memo, fax and e-mail that
you write?
Not at all! For some special situations, you'll need special outlines. You'll look at
those in Chapter 7. However, for most of your written correspondence, you
can follow a standard outline. You'll learn that outline in this chapter.
But before you learn how to organise the contents of your correspondence, you
should look at the various types of correspondence you may have to write.
下一节我们将继续讲述 Organising: Types of Correspondence，不要错过哦！

[ 2007-05-16 10:27 ]
今天我们来继续上次学习的内容：商务写作中的 organization。
Organising: Types of Correspondence
How many types of correspondence do you need to write?
Basically, two:
internal correspondence (the messages you write to colleagues)
external correspondence (the messages you write to customers).
However, when you write to colleagues or customers, you can use a variety of
documents.
Do you know which types of documents you can use when you write to
colleagues? And which types you can send to customers?
For internal correspondence, you can use e-mail, fax and memo. For
external correspondence, you can use e-mail, fax and letter.
The way you organise the content of most e-mails, faxes, letters and memos is
similar. However, the format - or layout - of these documents is different.
Can you recognise the formats of the documents you write?
Below, you will see samples of four documents.
Memo

Fax
Letter

E-mail
The way you organise the contents of most documents is similar.
Try to discover the basic outline you can use in most of your correspondence.
Read through the memo below and try to identify what type of content each
of the four paragraphs contains.
The HSBC Group MEMO
To: All Staff Date: 20 July 200X
From: General Manager Reference
Subject: Dress Code
As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.
I would like to inform you of the changes.
The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there
are no changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times.
On the other hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However,
on any day that you do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are
dressed in a business-like manner.
Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call
Annie Wong on 2344 7765.

Answers:
Paragraph1: background
Paragraph2: writer’s purpose
Paragraph3: reader’s information
Paragraph4: reader’s response
Now read through the letter below. Identify the type of content in each of the five
paragraphs in the spaces provided.
29 May 200X
34D Scenic Lane
Discovery Bay
Lantau Island
Dear Ms Hui
Classic Visa Card: Annual Fee
Thank you for your letter of 5 November. In the letter, you mentioned that you had sent a
cheque to settle your Visa Card Annual Fee.
I would like to explain the situation.
We have checked our records carefully. Unfortunately, we have not yet received the
cheque, although we are normally very efficient when dealing with incoming remittances.
Therefore, to help us prepare your new Visa Card, we would be grateful if you could settle
the payment immediately.
We look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Lily Tam
Customer Service Manager.
Answers:
Paragraph1: background
Paragraph2: writer’s purpose
Paragraph3: reader’s information
Paragraph4: reader’s response
Paragraph5: closing marks

As you can see, there is only a small difference in the outlines you use when
writing to colleagues and customers.
When you write to customers, you include a salutation (Dear...) and a
complimentary close (Yours sincerely / faithfully).
When writing to customers, you always add a polite closing remark. You can
also add this remark when writing to colleagues.
By now, you should be familiar with
the types of correspondence you write
the types of documents you can use
the basic outline you can usually follow.
To learn how to organise a letter to a customer, go to the next screen.
下一次我们将讲述 organising 的 SOFAR Strategy，不要错过哦！
[ 2007-05-17 11:15 ]
对商务写作中的 organising 感到头痛吗？下面就教你 organising 的 SOFAR 五步法。
Organising: SOFAR Strategy

So far, so good?
Actually, if you remember that expression - SOFAR -- it'll help you remember how
to organise external correspondence.
Salutation Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss...
Opening Background + Purpose
Facts Reader's Information
Action Reader's Response
Remarks Polite Closing
You can also use this outline for memos and internal e-mails. Just leave out the salutation.
SALUTATION
The Salutation begins with 'Dear'.
The Salutation should include the reader's name (eg, Dear Mr Chan, Dear Ms
Lewis). You can use the reader's first name (eg, Dear John) if you know them
well.
If you do not know the reader's name, use "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam".
If you do not know if the reader is a man or a woman, use "Dear Sir or
Madam".
OPENING (BACKGROUND)
The Opening includes two parts (and usually two paragraphs):
the background (referring to previous contact with the reader or
introducing a situation)
the writer's purpose
These provide a logical introduction to your correspondence and help the reader
focus on the subject.
The background "sets the scene" by referring to a previous contact (memo, letter,
phone call etc). If you've had no previous contact with the reader, you should
briefly describe the situation that you are writing about.
EXAMPLES:
Previous contact: Thank you for your call this morning.
A situation: Our annual staff party is coming soon!
An attention-grabbing statement or question: Have you heard
about...? Our Department Open Day is coming soon!
Some opening sentences are better than others.

Read through the sentences in the table below. Decide which sentence of
each pair (in Column A and Column B) is better.
Column A Column B
With reference to your
correspondence of 21 August...
Thank you for your letter of 21 August.
Further to our conversation earlier
today...
Thank you for your call today about...
Regarding your request for credit
approval...
I have just received your request for
credit approval.
If you chose the sentences in Column B, you've chosen the better ones.
Why?
Sentences that begin with prepositions (eg, with, in, further, for, following,
regarding) are difficult to write correctly. They are also quite long and therefore
more difficult for your reader to understand.
So, keep your writing simple by writing shorter, more direct sentences.
OPENING (WRITER'S PURPOSE)
In the second part of the opening you state the writer's purpose.
You've already learned (in Chapter 1) that there can be many purposes for
writing.
Two of the most common reasons are:
to inform someone about something
to request someone to do something.
Look at the memo from the General Manager again. Which sentence states the
manager's purpose for writing?
The HSBC Group MEMO
From: General Manager Reference
Subject: Dress Code

As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.
I would like to inform you of the changes.
The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there
are no changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times.
On the other hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However,
on any day that you do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are
dressed in a business-like manner.
Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call
Annie Wong on 2344 7765.
Answer: I would like to inform you of the changes.
To practise writing openings, do the exercise below.
Read the two situations below and write an appropriate opening for each of them.
Situation 1: You are replying to a customer who called this morning asking for
details about opening a new account.
Situation 2: You are replying to a customer's letter that you received yesterday.
He would like to know why delivery of his order is late.
Suggested answers:
Situation 1:
Thank you for calling this morning asking about how to open a new account.
I am delighted to give you the details about opening a Premier account.
Situation 2:
Thank you for your letter of 28 April about the delivery of your order.
I apologise for the delay and would like to explain what has happened.
FACTS
In the Opening, you provide your reader with background information and state
your purpose.
In the next part of the letter - Facts - you provide all the information your reader
needs so that they can
understand your purpose completely
respond appropriately.
Remember, though - only one main idea per paragraph! If you have a lot of
information for the reader, write several paragraphs in this section.

ACTION
After reading the information you have provided in the Facts section, your reader
should be able to respond.
In the next section -- Action -- you should tell your reader
how to respond (what they need to do)
when to respond (by what date/time).
For example, if you are writing to invite someone to lunch, what do you want your
reader to do? Come to lunch, right? It may seem obvious to you, but you need to
make it obvious to your reader, too. That will get the result you want.
Example:
Writer's Purpose: I'd like to invite you to lunch next Thursday.
Reader's Response: Please call by Tuesday and let me know if you can come.
What you want your reader to do often depends on why you are writing.
Writer's purpose Reader's response
Invite Please let me know if you will be able to join us.
Confirm If we need to make any changes to the schedule, please let me know before Friday.
Inform Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September.
Request Please send your bid to us by 15 March.
Complain Please deliver the delayed shipment within three days.
REMARKS
When writing to customers, you want to end politely and positively. You often can
do this with just one sentence.
But be careful! Try to make your writing sound natural - as if you were speaking
to the reader face-to-face.
Have you ever written sentences like these? Would you actually say them to
someone in person?
If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Assuring you of our best attention at all times.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Think about a more natural way to close a letter, memo, fax or e-mail.

Examples:
I look forward to hearing from you.
I look forward to receiving your order.
I hope this information is useful.
Please call me if you need any further information.
Please call me if you have any questions.
[ 2007-05-18 09:38 ]
这一课，我们将就前几次学到的 organising 技巧做一些练习，以巩固所学。
Organising: Summary
In this chapter, you learned how to organise the contents of the documents you write.
You learned that, when writing to colleagues or customers, you usually can follow a similar
outline.
SOFAR can help you remember the basic outline.

In the following Summary Exercise, you can use SOFAR to help you arrange the contents
of a letter.
Organising: Summary Exercise
There are 10 sentences and 3 other parts of a letter below. Please arrange them in the
correct order (1-13).
(1) Yours sincerely
(2) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong directly.
(3) I am sorry that I was not in the office when you rang.
(4) We do have a branch in Singapore.
(5) I hope this information is helpful.
(6) Dear Mr Rushford
(7) The address is 54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town, Singapore.
(8) Alex Ribero
(9) I am pleased to provide the information you requested.
(10) The manager is Mr David Ong
(11) He can provide you with the financial advice you are seeking.
(12) Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.
(13) His telephone number is +65 535 1234.
Answer:
Dear Mr Rushford(6)
Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.(12) I am sorry that I was not in
the office when you rang.(3)
I am pleased to provide the information you requested.(9)
We do have a branch in Singapore.(4) The address is 54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town,
Singapore.(7) The manager is Mr David Ong(10) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong
directly.(2)
His telephone number is +65 535 1234.(13) He can provide you with the financial advice
you are seeking.(11)
I hope this information is helpful. (5)
Yours sincerely(1)
Alex Ribero(8)
Well Done!

You've now completed Chapter 2!
In this chapter you continued to learn about the Writing Process by looking at the second
stage - Organise.
So now you can organise your business correspondence by
preparing a clear outline
arranging the contents.
In the next chapter, you'll look at the third stage - Draft, and the beginning of the fourth
stage -- Revise.
See you there!
[ 2007-05-21 14:29 ]
Overview
In the last two chapters, you've learned and practised the first two stages of the
Writing Process: Plan and Organise.
In this chapter, you'll look at the next two stages: Draft and Revise. Together,
these two stages take the most time. Writing the first draft takes less time than
revising. You'll focus on writing the first draft and taking the first step in revising
your draft.
Plan to Organise to Draft to Revise
This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for
producing effective correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study

each chapter of this course in order, beginning with the introductory chapter
"Getting Started".
Objectives
In this chapter, you'll start working on a writing project.
As you do so, you'll be able to
 draft a letter and
 revise your letters to make them complete.
Planning and Organising: A Quick Review
In the first two stages of the Writing Process, you plan and organise what you're
going to write.
In planning, you decide
 why you are writing (writer's purpose)
 how your reader will respond (reader's response)
 what your reader needs to know (reader's information).
You then organise your plan by creating an outline.
Drafting: Before You Begin
In this chapter, you'll begin to write a letter. As you write this letter, you'll work
through all five stages of the Writing Process.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE SITUATION
The letter you will write is based on the following situation:
Situation:
Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into
his Premier account. Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name)
was not exactly the same as the name on the account. The name on the cheque
was Mr Robert Pery (instead of Perry). As a result, the money was not credited to
Mr Perry's account.
Solution:
Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name
is exactly the same as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited
into his account.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE TASK

You are a Customer Relationship Officer. Although there is a standard form to deal
with this situation, your manager has asked you to write a letter to Mr Perry, as
he is a valued customer.
Mr Perry's details are as follows:
Address: Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver
Account no: 6134
Cheque no: 60263
Payee name: Mr R Pery
Name on account record: Mr R Perry
What will you do next? Think about this...
You're not going to start writing immediately, are you?
Remember: there are five stages in the Writing Process. You always need to begin
with the first stage.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING
What should you do first? You should plan what to write!
Do you remember the 3 strategies you use when planning to write?
The 3 strategies in planning are
 WHY are you writing to Mr Perry? (ie the Writer's Purpose)
 WHAT do you want Mr Perry to do? (ie the Reader's Response)
 WHAT does Mr Perry need to know? (ie the Reader's Information).
LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING
How did you do? Here is a suggested plan:
Suggested Answer
Writer's Purpose
- To explain the situation (why the cheque was not accepted)
- To propose / suggest a solution
Reader's Response
- To understand why the cheque was not accepted
- To accept our suggestion
Reader's Information
- The name on the cheque needs to match the name on the account card

- The writer of the cheque needs to issue another cheque with the correct name
Remember to always keep your plan with you as your guide. This will ensure
that you get the results you want from your writing.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING
Now that you've completed your plan, you need to organise it.
Do you remember the five sections of a letter?
To help you recall these sections:
Salutation
Opening (Background & Purpose)
Facts (Reader's Information)
Action (Reader's Response)
Remarks
LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING
How did you do?
Suggested Outline
Salutation:
Dear Mr Perry
Opening:
refer to "Quick Deposit" cheque
apologise that cheque cannot be accepted
writing to explain situation and suggest solution
Facts:
explain that name was misspelled
explain that name on cheque needs to match name on account card
Action:
ask the writer of the cheque to issue another one
Remarks:
hope information is useful

Now that you have completed your outline, you're ready to move on to the next
stage in the Writing Process. 下次还有更精彩的哦！
[ 2007-05-22 09:53 ]
今天我们来继续学习怎样起草和修改信件。
Drafting: How To Do It
LETTER TO MR PERRY: DRAFTING
Now that you know what drafting is all about, you can draft the letter to Mr Perry.
To do this, you need to have your plan with you so you can write according to
your plan. You also need a pen and paper.
Remember the two strategies when you draft:
• Keep writing
• Don't edit.
LETTER TO MR PERRY

Use the information on this screen to draft a letter.
Situation:
Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into
his Premier account. Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name)
was not exactly the same as the name on the account. The name on the cheque
was Mr Robert Pery (not Perry). As a result, the money was not credited to Mr
Perry's account.
Solution:
Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name
is exactly the same as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited
into this account.
Account Details:
Name: Mr Perry
Address: Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver
Account No.: 6134
Cheque No.: 60263
Payee Name: Mr R Pery
Name on Account Record: Mr R Perry
When you finish, write "First Draft" on the top margin of your letter. You'll work
on the draft later in this chapter and also in Chapters 4-6 and 8.
Revising: Why Do It
You've now completed your draft, and you're ready to move on to the next stage
of the Writing Process: Revise.
Why do you think revising is important?
Revising your writing transforms your unfinished draft into an effective letter that
gets results.
In fact, revising is so important that you often need to revise your writing several
times. This is the longest stage in the Writing Process.
To see why revising is important, look at the letter below. The writer has
forgotten to revise it. As you read the letter, think about the three questions in
the box on the right.

Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication,
and for your information please be
advised that the PPS details and
application form were sent to you at an
earlier date.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Questions
What is the letter about
Not very clear - it could be about
something (PPS?) that the writer has sent
What does the writer want Ms Green to
do
Also not clear - Ms Green could only
guess.
If you were Ms Green, what would you do
after reading the letter
What is the letter about
Not very clear - it could be about something (PPS?) that the writer has sent
What does the writer want Ms Green to do
Also not clear - Ms Green could only guess.
If you were Ms Green, what would you do after reading the letter
You may need to call or write to the writer and ask for an explanation.
As you can see, the writer of the letter may need to send another letter to
explain. That is, the letter does not get the intended results.

Revising: How To Do It
How can you revise your writing?
You've used strategies for all the other stages in the Writing Process. You also can
use a strategy for revising.
The strategy you can use for revising is very easy to remember. It's based on the
"5 Cs".
Strategy for Revising:
• Complete
• Cohesive
• Clear
• Concise
• Courteous
In fact, to ensure that your letter gets results, you need to revise your letter 5
times. Each time you revise, you'll focus on one of the "5 Cs".
The strategy you can use to revise your writing is very systematic.
You start revising the whole document and then move on to smaller parts such as
paragraphs and sentences.
Whole paragraph is complete.
Paragraphs are cohesive.
Sentences are concise, courteous and clear.
下一次，我们将继续讨论怎样将信件写得更完整。

[ 2007-05-23 10:07 ]
怎样让你的商务信件写得完整、连贯，不会让客户看了之后还不是很明白你的意图？这节课我们
就来学习怎样让信件完整、连贯。
Being Complete: Why Do It
You've learned that you need to revise your writing 5 times to get results. You're
going to begin revising by looking at being complete. You'll look at the other "Cs"
in the next chapters.
You'll learn how to check your documents to make them complete.
What do you think a complete document contains?
When you revise your writing to make it complete, you make it easy for your
reader to respond. The reader doesn't need to look for missing information.
You'll also help the reader save time; they don't need to read irrelevant
information.
Therefore, a complete document contains

• all that the reader needs to know
• only what the reader needs to know
Being Complete: How To Do It
How do you know that your letter is complete?
You need to ask yourself two questions:
• What is the structure of the letter?
• What should I include in the content of the letter?
Usually, when you want to check if your letter is complete, you begin by looking
at the structure of the letter.
A business letter contains 5 parts. The proper arrangement of these 5 parts is S-
O-F-A-R.
• Salutation
• Opening
• Facts
• Action
• Remark
STRUCTURE
Check the structure of the letter below. Try to identify the five parts of the letter.
Ms Fiona Green
100 Clearwater Bay Road
Sai Kung NT
22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that
the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. Thank you for
your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man

Is the structure of the letter complete?
One part is missing from the letter. What is it?
A (for Action) is missing. In other words, the writer did not include the reader's
response. That's why the reader will not know what to do after reading the letter.
You can check to see if your letter is complete by looking at the structure - or
outline - of your letter. If one or more parts is/are missing, your letter is not
complete. So, it needs to be revised.
There is, however, another way to check to see if your letter is complete.
CONTENT
You can also check the contents of the letter to see if it is complete. You can do
this by comparing the contents of your letter with the plan you wrote earlier in
the Writing Process.
What should be included in the contents of your letter?
• the writer's purpose
• the reader's response
• all and only the information the reader needs.
Look at Clever Man's letter again. Try to identify the writer's purpose, the reader's
response and the information the reader needs.
What is missing from Clever Man's letter?
The writer has stated his purpose: he is "advising" the reader. The writer has also
given the reader some information: he notes that the "PPS details and application
form were sent". But the writer does not tell the reader what to do. So, the
reader's response is missing.
As a result, the reader had to phone Clever Man to find out what she should do.
He told her to fill out the form and return the application form to him.
Try to revise Clever Man's letter to make it complete. On a piece of paper, write
what you think the reader should do. Then decide where you should place this
reader's response in the letter.
Suggested answer:
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT

22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised
that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date.. If
you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
You've checked the structure and the contents. As a result, you had to revise the
letter by adding a sentence.
Now the letter should be complete. However, there's one more thing you can do
to check if a letter is complete.
You can use the "5W1H method". Do you remember this method? (You learned it
in Chapter 1.)
The "5W1H method" involves asking the 5W and 1H questions, i.e.
Who? What? Why? When? Where? (5W)
How? (1H)
You should use this method whenever you write to
• request action or information
• provide information.
This will help you make sure that you include all and only the information that the
reader needs.
（来源：中国物流论坛实习生江巍英语点津 Annabel 编辑）

[ 2007-05-24 10:29 ]
In this chapter, you started working on a writing project: the letter to Mr Perry. As
you worked on the letter, you reviewed the first two stages in the Writing Process:
Plan and Organise.
You learned the strategies for drafting, ie the third stage in the Writing Process.
When you draft, just keep writing and don't edit. You can always check it later.
When you finished drafting, you started the fourth stage: Revise. Revising your
documents will ensure that you get results. However, it takes time to revise
because you need to do it 5 times. You need to check each of the "5 Cs".
In this chapter, you focused on revising your document to make it complete (the
first "C").
To check that your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and
content. You can use your plan and the outline to help you. You can also ask the
"5W1H" questions.
Summary Exercise

There are two exercises in this section. In Exercise 1, you will review what you
learned in this chapter. In Exercise 2, you will practise revising a letter for
completeness.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1
To review how to draft and revise your documents, do the exercise below.
Each question has four possible answers. However, only one answer is correct.
Click on the correct answer for each question.
1. When you draft,
A. only write, don't edit
B. write and edit
C. write and correct grammar
D. write and correct spelling
2. Make sure your document is
A. cohesive
B. clear
C. concise
D. complete
3. Check that your paragraphs are
A. complete
B. clear
C. cohesive
D. concise
4. Make sure that your sentences are
A. complete and cohesive
B. concise
C. clear, concise and courteous
D. complete, cohesive and clear

Answers: ADCC
SUMMARY EXERCISE 2: LETTER TO MR PERRY
In this exercise you'll practise revising a letter to make it complete. To do this
exercise, you'll need the letter which you drafted to Mr Perry earlier in this
chapter.
To make sure your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and
the content.
STRUCTURE
To check the structure, you need to identify the five parts of a letter (S, O, F, A,
R) in your draft.
If you can't identify all five parts in your draft to Mr Perry, you need to revise the
letter to make it complete.
CONTENT
To check the content of your draft, you need to identify the basic parts of your
plan. You can do this by using a highlight pen to highlight the following:
• writer's purpose
• reader's response
• reader's information.
If you can't identify the three basic parts of your plan in your draft, you need to
revise the letter.
When you finish revising Mr Perry's letter for completeness, keep both the "First
Draft" and the latest revised draft. You will need them in Chapters 4-6 and 8.
Well done!
In this chapter you looked at stages 3 and 4 in the Writing Process:
• Draft
• Revise
So now you can draft and revise a letter by using three important strategies.

You can make sure your document is complete by
1) checking the structure of your draft as you identify the five parts of a
letter (S-O-F-A-R)
2) checking the content of your draft as you identify the basic parts of
your writing plan (writer's purpose, reader's response, reader's
information)
3) checking the specific information in your draft as you answer the
5W1H questions.
In the next chapter, you'll continue learning how to revise. In Chapter 4, you
learn how to revise for cohesiveness.
See you there!
[ 2007-05-25 14:20 ]
Chapter 4

Overview
In Chapter 3, you learned how to
 draft a document and
 revise a document to make sure it is complete.
In this chapter you'll continue to learn how to revise what you write. You'll
concentrate on the paragraphs of your written documents. In other words, you'll
learn how to make your paragraphs cohesive.
 Plan
 Organise
 Draft
 Revise
 Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to revise your paragraphs and make
them cohesive.
Do you know what cohesive means?
Cohesive: when all the parts are related to form a whole.
You'll make your paragraphs cohesive by learning two things:
1) define a cohesive paragraph and
2) write a cohesive paragraph using
 a topic sentence
 supporting sentences and
 transitions.
Being Cohesive: What Is A Paragraph?
Look at the following letter. In Chapter 3, you revised it to make it complete. But
something is still wrong. Do you know what it is?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green

PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that
the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you complete
and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately. Thank you for
your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Answer:
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
What's wrong with this letter?
Can you see that
it only has one paragraph?
the paragraph is very long?
there are several unrelated ideas in the paragraph?
As a result, the paragraph in this letter is not cohesive.
You need to revise paragraphs like this.
To achieve this, you need to know the answer to the following question:
What is a cohesive paragraph?
Before you can write a cohesive paragraph, you need to know what a cohesive
paragraph is.
Do you know what a cohesive paragraph is?
Choose the option that you think best describes a cohesive paragraph.
1. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing many unrelated ideas or
subjects.
2. A cohesive paragraph is a group of unrelated sentences containing many
unrelated ideas or subjects.
3. A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a
single idea or subject.
4. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing one idea or subject.
Learning Point 1

A paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single subject or
idea.
All the sentences in a paragraph should be related to that one idea.
If they're related, then the paragraph will be cohesive.
Remember: one paragraph, one idea. Begin a new paragraph each time you
introduce a new idea.
Now take a blank sheet of paper and try to revise the letter from Clever Man to
Ms Green.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised
that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you
complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication.

For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form
were sent to you at an earlier date.
If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application
immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Now there are four paragraphs instead of one. Each of these paragraphs, though,
contains just one sentence. You can have only one sentence in a paragraph.
However, a paragraph usually contains more than one sentence.
The rule is: New idea, new paragraph
You can practise this rule in the following exercise.
The ten sentences below all describe a market. Look at the sentences and then
answer the questions in boxes A and B.
The building between Henessey Road and Lockhart Road is the market.
It was built in 1875.
The market sells fresh food, like fish.
It also sells fruit.
It also sells vegetables.
It used to sell meat.
Meat is now sold in the supermarket.
The market is open seven days a week.
It is open from 7 am to 1 pm and then again from 4 pm to 8 pm.
It is closed during the New Year Holiday.
A:
If you were writing an essay on the
subject of the market using these
sentences, how many paragraphs do you
think you would need?
1，2，3，4
B:
What would be the main ideas of each of
these paragraphs?
Henessey Road
The building
The food
Opening times
The three paragraphs below contain the ten sentences from the above exercise.

1. The building The building between Henessey Road and Lockhart Road is the
market. It was built in 1875.
2. The food The market sells fresh food, like fish. It also sells fruit. It also sells
vegetables. It used to sell meat. Meat is now sold in the supermarket.
3. Opening times The market is open seven days a week. It is open from 7 am
to 1 pm and then again from 4 pm to 8 pm. It is closed during the New Year
Holiday.
Each of these paragraphs contains a group of sentences that are related to a
single idea. Can you identify the idea in each paragraph?
Answers:
Paragraph 1 talks about the building: where it's located and when it was built. It
doesn't talk about anything else.
Paragraph 2 talks about the different kinds of food that were sold and are sold
now. It doesn't talk about anything else.
Paragraph 3 talks about the opening times. It doesn't talk about anything else.
下一节我们将学习什么样的段落才算 Cohesive Paragraph，不要错过哦！
[ 2007-05-28 10:23 ]
Being Cohesive: What is a Cohesive Paragraph?
You've just learned how to define a cohesive paragraph:
A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences all related to one idea.

You're now going to learn how to write a cohesive paragraph.
Do you remember the three things that can help make each paragraph you write
cohesive?
 supporting sentences
 transitions
Being Cohesive: What Is A Topic Sentence?
In this section, you're going to discover two things:
 what a topic sentence is and
 what a topic sentence does.
In business writing, the topic sentence is
 usually the first sentence of the paragraph
 short, with only 7 to 10 words
 the most general sentence in the paragraph.
Look at the following example of a topic sentence. It describes the HSBC Home
Mortgage Loan.
Our Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property. Our terms are very
competitive. The flexible repayment schedule enables you to budget your expenses. In
addition, it gives you a clear picture of your financial commitment for the whole period.
Notice that the topic sentence
 is the first sentence of the paragraph
 has only ten words
 contains general information; the other sentences contain specific
information.
Being Cohesive: What Does A Topic Sentence Do?
Do you know what a topic sentence does?
In business writing, the topic sentence:
 summarises the main idea of the paragraph
 helps the reader predict what the paragraph is about.
Look again at the example of the topic sentence describing a mortgage loan. Note
that the topic sentence:
 summarises the main idea, ie that a Home Mortgage Loan eases the
stress of buying property
 suggests the rest of the paragraph will describe how the Loan eases
the stress.

Learning Point 2
The topic sentence summarises the main idea of the paragraph.
It is the most general sentence in the paragraph.
For maximum impact, the topic sentence should be short, with only 7-10 words.
In business writing, the topic sentence is usually the first sentence of the
paragraph. The topic sentence helps the reader predict what the
paragraph is about.
In the exercise below, each group of sentences could form a paragraph if they
were re-organised.
Try to identify the topic sentence in each group, ie the sentence that should go
first.
1.
a. Your staff need to feel that you value their work.
b. As a team leader, you face several challenges.
c. Staff also want to be treated as individuals.
d. In addition, you need to make them aware of the team's work.
e. Through your actions, you must earn their respect.
B introduces the idea of a team leader's challenges, the other sentences list some
of these challenges.
2.
a. Everyone also knows in what areas they need to improve.
b. Finally, everyone knows what is expected of them in the future.
c. In addition, everyone knows how they can improve.
d. A good appraisal system produces four results.
e. Everyone is aware of their achievements.
D introduces the idea of a good appraisal system saying there are four results.
The other sentenses list the four results.
3.
a. Inflation seems to be on the rise.
b. Every day the newspaper brings more bad news.
c. Older people are worried about their pension schemes.
d. Major department stores are closing down.
e. The unemployment figures are rising.
B introduces the statement that newspapers bring bad news. The other sentenses
list some examples of this bad news.

Being Cohesive: Topic Sentence
In this exercise, the topic sentence is missing. Write a topic sentence that
 introduces the subject of the paragraph and
 summarises the main idea of the paragraph.
1. Problems in service.
a. First, phones are answered too slowly.
b. Second, customers are put on hold too frequently.
c. Third, messages are not taken down accurately.
2. We can not agree on your request.
a. Our records show that your income has been irregular.
b. We also note that your overdraft limit has been reached.
c. Moreover, your other personal loan has not been fully repaid
Answer:
1. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an
expression similar to this: "There are three major problems with our telephone
answering service."
This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.
2. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an
expression similar to this: "Unfortunately, we are unable to grant you another loan."
This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.
[ 2007-05-29 14:56 ]
Being Cohesive: What Does A Supporting Sentence Do?

Now, you're going to learn another feature of cohesive paragraphs: supporting
sentences.
Do you know what a supporting sentence does?
In business writing, supporting sentences support the main idea by
 expanding or developing the main idea
 explaining, eg identifying causes, effects, reasons etc
 providing specific details.
Remember each supporting sentence must be related to the main idea
(topic sentence).
Look at the example paragraph again.
Our Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property. Our terms are very
competitive. The flexible repayment schedule enables you to budget your expenses. In
addition, it gives you a clear picture of your financial commitment for the whole
period.
Notice how the supporting sentences
 develop the main idea by continuing to talk about the Home Mortgage
Loan
 explain how the loan can ease the stress of buying a property
 provide specific details.
Also, see how each supporting sentence is related to the main idea (topic
sentence).
Finally, note the number of supporting sentences in a paragraph. The example
paragraph contains three. Usually, there are no more than five!
Learning Point 3
Supporting sentences support the main idea expressed in the topic sentence.
They do this by
 expanding or developing the main idea
 explaining, eg identifying causes, effects or reasons
 providing specific details.
Remember:
include only 1-5 supporting sentences in a paragraph
each supporting sentence must be related to the main idea.
Being Cohesive: Supporting Sentences

You can practise working with supporting sentences in the following exercise.
In each of the paragraphs that follow, there is a sentence that doesn't belong.
The first one has already been done as an example.
1.
a. Most people know that coffee contains caffeine.
b. Few people realise that tea also contains caffeine.
c. Many soft drinks, such as cola, contain caffeine as well.
d. Diet soft drinks contain fewer calories than regular soft drinks.
The fourth sentence doesn't belong in the paragraph because it discusses a
different idea. The paragraph is about "caffeine"; the fourth sentence is about
"calories".
Now try to find the sentence that doesn't belong in each of the three paragraphs
below.
2.
a. Our new Premier account has many benefits.
b. You can use your Premier card at any HSBC ATM machine worldwide free of
charge.
c. Also, you will receive a Premier Mastercard with no annual fee.
d. In addition, the minimum balance is $300,000.
D is not a benefit, it is a requirement.
3.
a. The company is experiencing serious financial difficulties.
b. For the past five years, the company has had low profits.
c. All important decisions are made at managers' monthly meetings.
d. Recruitment efforts have been curtailed to save money.
C says nothing to support the fact that the company is experiencing serious
financial difficulties.
4.
a. The company has become very selective in recruiting.
b. All executives must now be university graduates.
c. They will also receive an enhanced benefits package.
d. In addition they need to demonstrate computer skills.
e. Finally, they are required to pass an English test.
C does not support the idea that the company has become selective with its
recruiting.
Look at the two topic sentences below. Write two or three sentences that support
the main idea expressed in each topic sentence.

1. I recommend that Larry Grafton be promoted.
2. To finalize the details of the staff party, I would like some more information.
1. There is no model answer. However, if you gave reasons to support your
recommendation, then you've got the right idea.
"He has performed well throughout the year. Moreover, he shows potential beyond his
present position."
2. There is no model answer. However, if you gave more details about the
arrangements, you've got the right idea.
"Could you please tell me the exact number of guests and the seating arrangements? I
would also like to know if you would prefer a Chinese menu or an English menu."
下一次我们将教给大家怎样安排好写作中的过渡，请继续关注。
[ 2007-05-30 10:23 ]

Being Cohesive: What Are Transitions?
In this section, you're going to look at the next feature of cohesive paragraphs:
transitions.
Do you know what transitions do?
In business writing, transitions
 link sentences together and
 show the relationships between sentences.

What does this mean?
Read the following paragraph, which has NO transitions. What do you think of this
paragraph?
The customer had proper identification. Her records showed that her account was
overdrawn. She didn't have a pre-arranged overdraft facility. The counter service officer
couldn't make the withdrawal for her.
This is NOT an effective paragraph.
The ideas don't flow smoothly. The writer "jumps" from one idea to another. The
ideas are not linked together. It's difficult to guess what's coming next.
Being Cohesive: Different Types Of Transitions
Look at the paragraph again. This time, you will see that three types of transitions
are used.
The customer had proper identification. However, her records showed that her account
was overdrawn. In addition, she didn't have a pre-arranged overdraft facility. Therefore,
the counter service officer couldn't make the withdrawal for her.
The use of However at the beginning of the second sentence signals a change in
direction. It suggests a comparison / contrast is about to follow. If a customer has
the proper identification, you would expect everything to be okay. But, in this
case, everything is not okay and the word However tells you this.
In addition tells you of the other problem the writer wants to mention (ie, no
overdraft facility). It highlights the fact that there are two problems: the
customer's account is overdrawn and the customer has no overdraft facility. The
transition also shows you that these two problems are of equal importance.
Therefore draws your attention to the cause and effect relationship between the
ideas contained in this paragraph. The two problems mentioned above were the

cause. The final effect was that the counter service officer was unable to make
the withdrawal for the customer.
Can you see how transitions make a paragraph cohesive? Without them your
reader may get confused or misunderstand what you're trying to say.
Being Cohesive: 5 Types of Transitions
In the table below, five types of transitions are listed with some examples.
When you want to you can use Transition category
Give specific examples For example, Such as, To
illustrate, Namely
Example
Show the sequence of
actions or events,
giving instructions
First, Then, Finally, Earlier Sequence
Introduce additional
information of equal
importance
In addition, Also, Moreover,
Furthermore, Similarly,
Likewise
Equal weight
Show similarities or
differences
However, Yet, On the other
hand, But
Comparison/Contrast
Show results of
actions
Therefore, As a result, So,
Consequently
Cause-effect
In the previous screen, you saw how to use three types of transitions:
1) comparison / contrast
2) equal weight
3) cause-effect
Look at the following sentence to see how the other two categories of transitions
are used.
Then you can write an opening sentence, such as, "Thank you for your letter of 14
February 2000," ...
Notice how Then is giving an instruction for the next action in a sequence of
events.
Such as tells you that an example of an opening sentence (mentioned in the first
phrase) is about to follow.
Learning Point 4
There are five basic types of transitions:
Example
Sequence

Contrast / compare
Equal importance
Cause / effect.
Transitions make a paragraph cohesive by
 linking the sentences together smoothly
 showing the relationship between sentences
 helping us move quickly between ideas.
They show the reader where we've been and where we're going with our writing.
Being Cohesive: Transitions
In this exercise, choose the set of three transitions that you think is the most
suitable for the paragraph.
For example, if you think the correct transitions for paragraph 1 are
In addition, Consequently and Later, then choose option A
1. Nancy is very busy. She wants to go home but she has to telephone a long list
of new customers to confirm their orders. ________, she has to write many e-
mails. ________, she will have to stay late at the office. _______ , when she's
finished, she will go home.
A. In addition, Consequently, Later
B. If, Therefore, Besides
C. Then, Finally, Again
D. Then, For instance, Later
2. There will be an important company meeting this weekend. All the Directors
will be there. _____ , all the Senior Managers will be there. We will discuss new
business developments on Saturday. ____ , on Sunday, we will look at new
business strategies. _____ , the Chairman will address everyone and give a
speech in the evening before dinner.
A. Later, Finally, Consequently
B. In addition, Then, Finally
C. Later, So, Consequently
D. However, Before, For example
3. Life is full of difficult questions. ______ , what would you do if you suddenly
had an accident? _______ , what if the accident prevented you from working?
Maybe everything would be fine without HSBC insurance. _______ , for just a few
dollars each month, you could provide your family with complete peace of mind.
A. Also, In fact, On the other hand
B. Nevertheless, However, To illustrate

C. For example, Moreover, On the other hand
D. First, Then, For example
In each of the sentences below, the transitions are missing, unnecessary or
incorrect. Correct each sentence. After you've corrected a sentence, click "A" to
see the answer.
1. We sell insurance. We sell investment products.
We sell insurance. We also sell investment products. (missing transition)
2. Our advertising budget has increased over the last quarter. Sales have not
increased.
Our advertising budget has increased over the last quarter. However, sales have
not increased. - (missing transition)
3. Although, I wanted to go to the seminar, but I didn't have the time.
Remove either "although" or "but" (unnecessary transition)
4. Since Mr Jones was on sick leave, so the meeting was cancelled.
Remove either "since" or "so" (unnecessary transition)
5. Due to Mr Lewis arrived late, the meeting did not start on time.
Since Mr Lewis arrived late, the meeting did not start on time.
Replace "due to" with "since" - (incorrect transition)
So, now you know how to use transitions.
When you use topic sentences, supporting sentences and transitions correctly,
you will write cohesive paragraphs. You can use this knowledge whenever you
need to revise your documents.
Learning Point Summary
Remember:
When you revise your paragraphs to make them cohesive, you need
 only one idea in each paragraph
 a topic sentence that summarises the main idea
 supporting sentences that support the main idea
 transitions that link the sentences together

[ 2007-05-31 11:05 ]
Being cohesive:
Summary
In this chapter you learned how to define a cohesive paragraph.

A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single
idea or subject.
You also looked at
topic sentences, which
 summarise the main idea and
 help the reader predict what the chapter is about
supporting sentences, which
 expand or develop the main idea
 explain, eg identify causes, effects or reasons
 provide specific details
transitions, which
 link sentences together
 show the relationship between sentences
 help the reader move quickly between ideas.
Everything you have learned in this chapter will help you to write cohesive
paragraphs when you revise your documents.
Summary Exercises
There are two summary exercises in this section.
In the first exercise, you're going to practise writing a cohesive paragraph.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1
Write a short paragraph about
The benefits of traveller's cheques when travelling overseas.
You will need to think of a topic sentence and two or three supporting sentences.
You should also use some transitions.
Look at the following suggested answer:
When travelling overseas, traveller's cheques are much safer than cash. First,
traveller's cheques cannot be used by someone else. Second, they are protected
against loss or theft.
The first topic sentence introduces the main idea: "Traveller's cheques are much
safer than cash". The second and third sentences provide reasons that support
this idea: "Traveller's cheques cannot be used by someone else." and "They are
protected against loss or theft". The transitions show the sequence of the
reasons.

In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry. Then you revised it for
completeness.
In this exercise, you'll revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you'll try to
make the paragraphs cohesive.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter which you revised in Chapter 3.
Check the cohesiveness of each paragraph.
If a paragraph is cohesive, it has
 a short topic sentence which summarises the main idea
 1-5 supporting sentences which are related to the main idea
 transitions which link the sentences together.
If a paragraph doesn't have any of these, you need to revise it to make it
cohesive.
You should write your revision on a piece of paper.
When you finish revising the paragraphs in your letter to Mr Perry, keep both the
"first draft" and this "second revision". You'll need them in Chapters 5 - 6 and 8.
Well Done!
In this chapter you continued to look at the fourth stage of the Writing Process:
Revise
So, now you know how to
1) define a cohesive paragraph and
2) write cohesive paragraphs which include
 supporting sentences and
 transitions.
In the next chapter, you'll continue to learn how to revise your documents. You'll
find out how to revise your sentences so they are clear and concise.
See you there!

[ 2007-06-01 11:26 ]
Overview
In Chapters 1-2, you studied the first two stages of the Writing Process: Plan and
Organise.

Then, in Chapters 3-4, you looked at the next two stages: Draft and Revise. In
drafting, you learned how to produce the first draft by only writing and not
editing. Then, you began revising and practised making your document complete
and your paragraphs cohesive.
However, you have not yet finished revising. You need to check the sentences you
wrote.
In this chapter, you'll learn how to make your sentences clear and concise.
Plan
Organise
Draft
Revise
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to
 write clear and concise sentences
 revise sentences to make them clear and concise.
Once again, you'll work on revising the letters you read and wrote in Chapters 2-
4.
Revising: A Quick Review
In Chapters 2-4, you read a letter written by Clever Man.
That letter has already been revised twice.
In Chapter 3, the letter was revised to make it more complete.
In Chapter 4, it was revised again to make the paragraphs more cohesive.
Look at the revised letter below. It still seems difficult to understand. Why?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS

For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were
sent to you at an earlier date.
If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application
immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Read the letter again. Then try to answer the questions:
1) Which communication is the writer referring to?
2) What did the writer send?
3) When did the writer send the materials?
The questions are difficult to answer, aren't they?
You can understand the words that the writer used. After all, they are common
words - words which we often use.
However, the sentences are not very clear. Why? 下一次我们将来为大家解答这个问题。
[ 2007-06-04 13:59 ]
为什么商业信件一定要写得清楚明了？怎样才能将商业信件写得清楚明了？看似简单的问题，却不是每个
人都能做好。今天我们就来学习一下怎样将商业信件写得清楚明了。
Being Clear: Why Do It

Look at the first sentence from the letter again.
Why is this sentence unclear?
Which recent communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean the communication received yesterday, last week or last month?
And what type of communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean a telephone conversation, a letter or an e-mail?
The writer used vague terms, that is, very general words. Therefore, the sentences are not
very clear. The writer should mention the date of the communication as well as the type of
communication.
Look at the second sentence from the letter... and try to decide why it isn't clear.
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application were sent to
you at an earlier date.
Again, the writer is vague, isn't he? "An earlier date" could be last week, last month or
even last year.
However, there is another problem.
Did you also notice that the writer used jargon? He wrote about PPS.
HSBC staff may understand that the writer was referring to HSBC's Phone Payment
Service.
But what about the readers... the customers? Do they know what PPS means?
To the readers or customers, PPS is jargon.
Being Clear: How To Do It
Whenever you write to a colleague or customer, your reader should not have to guess what
you mean.
So, you need to make all of your sentences very clear. How can you do this?
To write clear sentences
 use specific terms, not vague terms, eg exact date, type of communication
etc

 avoid jargon, ie abbreviations or special words that the reader may not
understand.
The first strategy, then, is...
BE SPECIFIC
The sentence below is not clear. The writer has used vague terms.
"Please contact me as soon as possible."
How would you revise the sentence to make it clear?
Suggested answer:
"Please telephone me on 2398 4150 by Friday."
You can also be specific by being direct. This means that you write what you would say if
you were speaking with the person face-to-face.
The sentence below is unclear. The writer is being very indirect. Some writers think that
they need to use two "languages": one for writing and another one for speaking.
"It is with regret that I advise you that circumstances prevented me from completing this
project within the agreed time."
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear? (Hint: think of what you would say if
you were speaking with the person face-to-face.)
Suggested answer:
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't complete the project on time."
What else can you do to write clear sentences?
You can avoid using jargon, right? This is the second strategy.
AVOID JARGON
Look at the sentence below. The writer has used jargon.
"May I suggest that you apply for a POD?"
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear?
Suggested sentence:
"May I suggest that you apply for a Personal Overdraft?"

The exercise below will help you practise revising sentences to make them clear.
All of the sentences below are unclear. Rewrite the sentences to make them clear.
1) I suggest that you apply for a PIL.
I suggest that you apply for a Personal Instalment Loan.
2) The managers will discuss your proposal in due course.
The managers will discuss your proposal on Friday.
3) Please remit the relevant amount as soon as possible.
Please send your cheque for US$40 by 21 June 200X.
4) You can deposit cheques at designated ATMs.
You can deposit cheques at designated Automatic Teller Machines.
5) One of our CSOs will contact you later.
One of our Customer Service Officers will contact you within 24 hours.
You should now know how to revise sentences to make them clear.
Try to revise the unclear sentences in Clever Man's letter.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent
to you at an earlier date.
If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.

Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Suggested sentences:
I refer to your telephone enquiry yesterday.
For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and
application form were sent to you on 20 April.
By using specific terms and avoiding jargon, the first two paragraphs are now
clearer.
But...
Something is still wrong with the second sentence. Do you know what it is?
Look at the sentence again. Try to read the whole sentence aloud without
stopping to take a breath.
"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS)
details and application form were sent to you on 20 April."
Did you have to stop in the middle of the sentence to take a breath?
For most people, the sentence is just too long to read aloud in one breath.
If you write a long sentence, you create a problem for your readers. They may
need to read the sentence several times in order to understand it.
So, your sentences must not only be clear, they also must be concise.
[ 2007-06-04 13:59 ]
为什么商业信件一定要写得清楚明了？怎样才能将商业信件写得清楚明了？看似简单的问题，
却不是每个人都能做好。今天我们就来学习一下怎样将商业信件写得清楚明了。
Being Clear: Why Do It
Look at the first sentence from the letter again.

Why is this sentence unclear?
Which recent communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean the communication received yesterday, last week or last
month?
And what type of communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean a telephone conversation, a letter or an e-mail?
The writer used vague terms, that is, very general words. Therefore, the
sentences are not very clear. The writer should mention the date of the
communication as well as the type of communication.
Look at the second sentence from the letter... and try to decide why it isn't clear.
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application were
sent to you at an earlier date.
Again, the writer is vague, isn't he? "An earlier date" could be last week, last
month or even last year.
However, there is another problem.
Did you also notice that the writer used jargon? He wrote about PPS.
HSBC staff may understand that the writer was referring to HSBC's Phone
Payment Service.
But what about the readers... the customers? Do they know what PPS means?
To the readers or customers, PPS is jargon.
Being Clear: How To Do It
Whenever you write to a colleague or customer, your reader should not have to
guess what you mean.
So, you need to make all of your sentences very clear. How can you do this?
To write clear sentences
 use specific terms, not vague terms, eg exact date, type of
communication etc

 avoid jargon, ie abbreviations or special words that the reader may not
understand.
The first strategy, then, is...
BE SPECIFIC
The sentence below is not clear. The writer has used vague terms.
"Please contact me as soon as possible."
How would you revise the sentence to make it clear?
Suggested answer:
"Please telephone me on 2398 4150 by Friday."
You can also be specific by being direct. This means that you write what you
would say if you were speaking with the person face-to-face.
The sentence below is unclear. The writer is being very indirect. Some writers
think that they need to use two "languages": one for writing and another one for
speaking.
"It is with regret that I advise you that circumstances prevented me from
completing this project within the agreed time."
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear? (Hint: think of what you
would say if you were speaking with the person face-to-face.)
Suggested answer:
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't complete the project on time."
What else can you do to write clear sentences?
You can avoid using jargon, right? This is the second strategy.
AVOID JARGON
Look at the sentence below. The writer has used jargon.
"May I suggest that you apply for a POD?"
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear?
Suggested sentence:

"May I suggest that you apply for a Personal Overdraft?"
The exercise below will help you practise revising sentences to make them clear.
All of the sentences below are unclear. Rewrite the sentences to make them clear.
1) I suggest that you apply for a PIL.
I suggest that you apply for a Personal Instalment Loan.
2) The managers will discuss your proposal in due course.
The managers will discuss your proposal on Friday.
3) Please remit the relevant amount as soon as possible.
Please send your cheque for US$40 by 21 June 200X.
4) You can deposit cheques at designated ATMs.
You can deposit cheques at designated Automatic Teller Machines.
5) One of our CSOs will contact you later.
One of our Customer Service Officers will contact you within 24 hours.
You should now know how to revise sentences to make them clear.
Try to revise the unclear sentences in Clever Man's letter.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent
to you at an earlier date.

Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Suggested sentences:
For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and
application form were sent to you on 20 April.
By using specific terms and avoiding jargon, the first two paragraphs are now
clearer.
But...
Something is still wrong with the second sentence. Do you know what it is?
Look at the sentence again. Try to read the whole sentence aloud without
stopping to take a breath.
Did you have to stop in the middle of the sentence to take a breath?
For most people, the sentence is just too long to read aloud in one breath.
If you write a long sentence, you create a problem for your readers. They may
need to read the sentence several times in order to understand it.
So, your sentences must not only be clear, they also must be concise.
[ 2007-06-05 12:28 ]
Being Concise: How To Do It
What is a concise sentence?
A concise sentence is a short sentence.

How can you keep your sentences short?
Look at the long sentence below and try to make it shorter. Write your revision on
a piece of paper.
Suggested revision:
"I would like to advise you of the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20
April."
Take a moment to compare your own revision with the one above.
How are the two revisions similar? How are they different?
In the revision above, three strategies were used to make the original sentence
shorter.
To write concise sentences
 write only the necessary words
 write only one idea in each sentence
 write only in the active voice of the verb.
STRATEGY 1 - WRITE ONLY THE NECESSARY WORDS
The original sentence contains some unnecessary words.
One phrase - "For your information" - is unnecessary. Why? Because this phrase
does not add any meaning to the sentence. It only makes it longer. So, you can
remove it.
"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application
form were sent to you on 20 April."
Actually, many unnecessary words are used in business correspondence.
A common example is "forward planning". In this phrase, "forward" is
unnecessary. After all, does anyone ever plan backwards?
Look at the 'wordy phrases' below. Remove the unnecessary words to make the
phrases more concise.

1) repeat again
2) small in size
3) cooperate together
4) for the purpose of
Answer: unnecessary words: again, in size, together, the purpose of
STRATEGY 2 - ONE IDEA IN EACH SENTENCE
The original sentence actually has two main ideas.
"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application
form were sent to you on 20 April."
There are two ideas in the sentence because there are two main verbs in the
sentence: "advise" and "sent".
So, you can separate the two main ideas - and the two main verbs - into two
sentences.
"I would like to advise you of the details.
The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you
on 20 April."
Actually, you can separate the sentences into two paragraphs. Do you know why?
You can use two paragraphs because
"to advise" is the purpose of this letter, which is part of the "Opening" in the
SOFAR outline.
the fact that the application was sent belongs in the "Facts" section.
Refer to Chapter 2 if you need more information about the SOFAR outline.
A long sentence has more than one verb. You can make a long sentence shorter
by writing a separate sentence for each main verb in the long sentence.
Remember: if you write long sentences, you create a problem for your
readers. They need to read the sentence several times in order to
understand it.
Recent research has shown that
 if your sentence has 10 words or less, your reader will understand 98%
of the message after reading it once

 if your sentence has 20 words or less, your reader will understand 75%
of the message after reading it once
 if your sentence has more than 20 words, your reader will understand only
4% of the message after reading it once (and will have to read it again and
again and... ).
STRATEGY 3 - USE THE ACTIVE VOICE
The original sentence has now been revised as two sentences.
The second sentence contains a verb in the passive voice.
"The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you
on 20 April."
Usually, a verb in the passive voice uses more words. It is also more
difficult for the reader to understand. So, you can change the verb from the
passive to the active voice.
"We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20
April."
In business correspondence, you should use the active voice as much as
possible.
However, there are some situations when it is more suitable to use the passive
voice.
Look at the six sentences below. They all contain a verb in the passive voice. In
three sentences, the verb should be changed to the active voice. However, in the
other three sentences, the verb should not be changed.
Try to identify which three sentences should not be changed.
1) Our manager was contacted by your office yesterday.
2) Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.
3) Stopping payment of the cheques was considered by Mr Smith.
4) Your request for an assistant was approved.
5) The computer is now used by most staff for their correspondence.
6) Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.
Keys: 2), 4), 6)
In business writing, you should use the active voice of the verb as much as
possible.
However, you should use the passive voice of the verb in three situations:

l the person doing the action is not known
(Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.)
l the person doing the action is not important
( Your request for an assistant was approved.)
l the person doing the action shouldn't be blamed
(Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.)
Do the exercise below to practise revising sentences to make them concise.
All of the sentences below can be made shorter.
Rewrite the sentences to make them concise. You can split the sentences if you
like.
1) The cheque has not been received by us and if you want to stop payment of it
please sign and return the enclosed form. (24 words).
2) We have lowered interest rates with a view to stimulating consumer spending.
(12 words)
3) The revised insurance policy has been enclosed for your reference and please
contact us if you have any questions. (19 words)
4) It is the same and identical approach used by us last year. (12 words)
Suggested revisions:
1) We have not received your cheque yet. To stop payment, please sign and
return the enclosed form. (17 words)
2) We have lowered interest rates to stimulate consumer spending. (9 words)
3) We have enclosed the revised insurance policy. If you have any questions,
please call us on 2345-xxxx. (17 words)
4) We used the same approach last year. (7 words)
我们已经学会怎样将商务信件写得简洁明了，但是这就足够了吗？请继续关注下面的课程：怎
样将商务信件写好。
[ 2007-06-06 11:27 ]

只是将信件写得简洁明了还是不够的，语言也是一个重要的因素：你的用语要够“现代”，才能
更好地沟通。
Being Clear and Concise: Is It Enough?
The letter below is clear and concise. But there still is a problem. Do you know
what it is?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
Phone Payment Service (PPS)
I would like to advise you of the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Using Modern English: Why Do It
The letter still contains some "old-fashioned business English".
Look at the last paragraph of the letter.
"Thank you for your kind attention."
Does this sentence look familiar? Have you ever read - or written - this sentence
at the end of a letter? Have you ever thought what this sentence means?

This remark only tells the reader two things:
 that they need to read the letter "kindly" (how does the reader do that?)
 that they need to read the letter "attentively" (again, how does the reader
do that?).
It seems that the writer only wants the reader to read the letter...and not do
anything else.
This sentence is an example of old-fashioned business English. There are many
other examples, but, we shouldn't use any of them!
In all of your business writing, you should use plain and modern English. Your
readers will like it. You'll also show that you represent a modern company.
Using Modern English: How To Do It
Study the table below. Avoid the old-fashioned expressions. Use only the modern
words and phrases.
Old-fashioned Modern
acknowledge receipt of I have received
advise inform/tell
assuring you of our best attention at all
times
(nothing)
as per your request as you requested
attached herewith please find I have attached
captioned (nothing)
deem believe / consider
due to the fact that because / as
Esteemed Sir Dear Sir
to forward to send
at your earliest convenience (exact date)
hereby/ herein/ herewith (nothing)
in compliance with your request as you requested
kindly please
permit me to say (nothing)
prior to before
pursuant to after
queries questions
under separate cover separately
we beg to remain (nothing)
with regard to regarding
In his letter to Fiona Green, Clever Man included some old-fashioned business
English.
In his second paragraph (where he stated his purpose for writing), he wrote

I would like to advise you of the details.
If you revised that sentence to make it more modern, you could write
I would like to tell you the details.
In his last paragraph (the concluding remark), Clever Man wrote
If you revised that remark to make it more modern, you could write
Both of these revisions show good customer service. Both revisions also sound
natural, don't they? They sound as if you're speaking with the customer
face-to-face.
This is the final revision of the letter. Compare it with the original letter on the
right, and remind yourself of the revision strategies that you've learned so far.
https://www.facebook.com/hoc.huynhba
FINAL
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
I refer to your telephone enquiry
yesterday.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service
(PPS) details and application form on 20
April.
If you complete and return the form to
us, we can process your application
immediately.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
ORIGINAL
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for
your information please be advised that the
PPS details and application form were sent to
you at an earlier date. Thank you for your kind
attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
71

[ 2007-06-07 09:42 ]
Summary
In this chapter, you focused on revising your sentences to make them clear and
concise.
To make your sentences clear, you need to
 be specific and
 avoid jargon.
To make your sentences concise, you need to write
 only the necessary words
 only one idea per sentence
 usually in the active voice.
Finally, you need to use plain and modern English (instead of "old fashioned
business English").
Summary Exercises

There are two exercises in this section. In Exercise 1, you'll review what you
learned in this chapter. In Exercise 2, you'll practise revising a letter to make your
sentences clear and concise.
EXERCISE 1
Revise the following sentences to make them clear, concise and modern. Type
your answers in the space provided.
1) I acknowledge receipt of your letter which was written on 4 June.
I received your letter of 4 June.
2) In compliance with your request, I will send you the PIL information tomorrow.
As requested, I will send you information on the Personal Instalment Loan (PIL)
tomorrow.
3) We cannot provide a new cheque book immediately due to the fact that it
takes a few days for printing.
We are unable to provide a new cheque book immediately as it takes a few days
to print.
4) With reference to the captioned subject, I am pleased to inform you that your
application is successful. [the "captioned subject" is "HSBC Classic Visa card"]
I am pleased to inform you that your application for an HSBC Classic Visa card is
successful.
5) Kindly fill in the attached form and forward it to me at your earliest
convenience.
Please fill in the attached form and send it to me by 4 June.
In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry and then revised the document for
completeness. In Chapter 4, your revised the paragraphs of the letter to make
them cohesive.
In this exercise, you'll revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you'll try to
make the sentences clear and concise.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter that you revised in Chapter 4.
Check each sentence to ensure that it is clear and concise.

To make a sentence clear, you need to
 be specific and
 avoid jargon.
To make a sentence concise, you need to
 include only the necessary words
 include only one idea
 avoid the passive voice of the verb
 avoid old-fashioned business English.
Write your revision on a piece of paper.
When you've finished revising the sentences in your letter to Mr Perry, keep both
the "first draft" and this "third revision". You'll need them in Chapters 6 and 8.
Well Done!
In this chapter you continued to look at the fourth stage of the Writing Process:
Revise.
write clear and concise sentences
revise sentences to make them clear and concise.
In the next chapter, you'll continue to learn how to revise your documents. You'll
discover how to revise your sentences to make them courteous.
See you there!

汇丰商务英语写作教程（21）
[ 2007-06-08 13:25 ]
You've almost completed the revising stage of the Writing Process.
In the previous three chapters, you learned how to make
 your documents complete
 your paragraphs cohesive
 your sentences clear and concise.
In this chapter, you'll finish the revising stage as you learn how to make your
sentences courteous (the last "C").
 Plan
 Organise
 Draft
 Revise
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to
l write courteous sentences
l revise sentences to make them courteous.

You'll also continue to revise the letter you're writing to Mr Perry.
Being Clear and Concise: A Quick Review
Do you remember how to make your writing more clear and concise?
To review, look at the 6 example sentences below. They are neither clear nor
concise.
Match each sentence with one of the writing problems below.
Please see me as soon as possible.
The information was sent to you yesterday.
If you contact one of our CSOs she can help you
apply for a PIL.
Please kindly come to our information counter.
If we all cooperate together we will have greater
success in the coming future.
Please come to your nearest branch to discuss
the loan process with our manager and then you
can apply for it and it should be processed by the
end of the month.
Unspecific information
Passive voice instead of active
Jargon
Old-fashioned expression
Unnecessary words
More than 1 idea in each sentence
Being Courteous: How To Do It
Whenever you write a memo, letter, fax or e-mail, you need to remember that all
your readers (including your colleagues) are your "customers".
To provide excellent customer service, you need to be courteous.
To write courteously, remember the 4 "Ps".
 be Polite
 be Positive
 be Personal

 be Professional.
下一次，我们将继续讲述 4"Ps"。
[ 2007-06-11 13:46 ]
Being Courteous: How To Be Polite
To write courteous sentences, you need to use the first "P" - be polite.
Imagine that you have received the memo below from your manager. How does it
make you feel?
From: General Manager Reference:
Subject: Team meeting
A team meeting will be held on 13 April to discuss cost-saving measures.
All team members have to attend this important meeting.
Everyone must submit at least one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April.
The memo is very clear and concise. However, it's not very polite, is it?

Look at the final sentence.
"Everyone must submit at least one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April."
It sounds like an order or command, doesn't it?
How can you rewrite that "command" to make it sound more polite?
Suggested revision:
"Please submit one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April."
You can change a command into a polite request by changing a few words.
Remember, you only need to change a few words to make a sentence more polite.
Look at the original "command" and the two revisions below:
"Everyone must submit one idea" (original)
"I would like everyone to submit one idea... " (revision)
"May I ask everyone to submit one idea... " (revision)
The revisions sound more polite. Do you know why?
USE MODAL VERBS
Using a modal verb – e.g. could, would, may, might - also makes a sentence
sound much more polite.
Look at the sentence below.
"Send me all the information on overdue accounts."
How would you use a modal verb to make this sentence more polite?
"I would like you to send me all the information on overdue accounts."
Your sentences will be polite if you use "magic words" and modal verbs. Is there
anything else you can do?
TURN STATEMENTS INTO QUESTIONS
You also can make a sentence more polite by turning it into a question.
Turn the original "command" below into a question...and see the difference.

"Would everyone submit one idea...?"
"Could everyone submit one idea...?"
When you turn a statement into a question, you give your reader a choice. Giving
people a choice makes them more likely to do what you ask.
So there are three ways to write polite sentences. You can use "magic words"
and modal verbs. You can also turn statements into questions.
What would happen if you used all three strategies at the same time?
Try to turn the original "command" below into a question, and use "magic words"
as well as modal verbs
"Could everyone please submit one idea...?"
When you use all three strategies together, you write a very polite request, don't
you?
Look at the statements below.
"You have to be at the meeting!"
"You must be on time!"
You use the modal verbs "must" and "have to" when giving orders or commands.
So, you should avoid using these verbs when writing to customers.
But what about this statement?
"You should be more careful!"
Would you write such a statement to a customer?
You use the modal verb "should" when you are giving advice. If a customer asks
you for advice, you may want to use "should". However, you should generally
avoid using this word when writing to customers.
Exercise:
The following sentences are not very polite. Revise the sentences to make them
more polite. Type your revisions in the spaces provided
1) Send proof of your income.
2) You must pay the annual fee without delay.
3) Bring the supporting documents to our office.

4) You should fill in the application form.
5) To ensure security, choose a password with numbers and letters.
1) Could you please send proof of your income?
2) Would you please pay the annual fee by 20 March 200x?
3) Please bring the supporting documents to our office.
4) Would you mind filling in the application form?
5) To ensure security, please choose a password with numbers and letters.
[ 2007-06-12 12:26 ]
我们学习过了第一个 P——polite，这次来继续学习第二个 P——positive。
Being Courteous: How To Be Positive
To write courteous sentences, you need to be polite. You also need to use the
second "P" - be positive.
Once again, think of yourself as the reader (or customer).
How would you feel if you got a letter that said...
"You cannot withdraw the money until your cheque has cleared."
This sentence is very negative, isn't it? It tells you what you can't do.
"You can withdraw the money as soon as your cheque has cleared."
You can make a sentence positive by stating what the reader can do instead
of what the reader cannot do.
SAY WHAT YOU CAN DO

You only have to change a few words to change a negative sentence into a
positive one.
You only need to say what the reader can do rather than what the reader can't
do. You can also be positive by saying what the company can do rather than what
it can't do.
Look at the two sentences below. Both sentences have the same meaning. But
one is positive and one is negative. Which sentence is positive?
"Our office closes at 4:00 pm."
"Our office stays open until 4:00 pm."
The second sentence sounds much better, doesn't it? The word "open" is positive,
while "close" is negative.
There's another way to write positively.
Think of yourself as a bank customer. You've just received a letter inviting you to
apply for a Classic Visa card. In the letter, you read this sentence:
"You need an annual income of HKD42,000 to apply for a credit card."
How do you feel?
The sentence is true, but it could be written in a more positive way. So, try to
revise the sentence. (Hint: You may want to begin the sentence with "if".)
"If you have an annual income of HKD42,000, you can apply for a credit card."
USE THE "IF-CONTRACT"
When you use the "if-contract", you state what you, your company or the reader
can do...IF the reader can meet a specific condition.
The "if-contract" emphasises what is possible. It's a much more positive way of
expressing your ideas.
Look at two more sentences. Both have the same meaning, but which one sounds
more positive?
"You must reply within five days or we cannot process your application."
"If you apply within five days, we can process your application."
Do you see how the "if-contract" makes a sentence more positive?
Whenever you use the "if-contract", you

 begin with an "IF" clause and
 end with an "action" clause (which states what you or your
reader can do if the condition is met).
You can practise writing positive sentences in the exercise below.
Try revising the following sentences, which are not very positive.
1) We cannot process your application until next month unless you reply
promptly.
2) You need a reference before you can open an account.
3) Settle payment immediately or you will be charged an additional $15.
4) You must send the documents by Friday or we cannot prepare a Letter of
Credit.
5) Unless you have five years' experience in personal finance, you cannot apply
for the position.
1) If you reply promptly, we can process your application by the end of the
month.
2) If you give us a reference, you can open an account.
3) If you pay immediately, you will not incur any additional charges.
4) If you send us the documents by Friday, we can prepare a Letter of Credit.
5) If you have five years' experience in personal finance, you can apply for the
position.
NOTE: In all of these sentences, you can change the order of the two clauses.
e.g. "We can process your application by the end of the month if you reply
promptly."
下次我们将继续学习第三个 P——personal，不要错过哦！

[ 2007-06-13 10:56 ]
在前两节中，我们学习了 How To Be Polite 和 How To Be Positive，今天我们来学习 How
To Be Personal，这会让你的商务信函看起来更有亲和力，更容易被人接受。
Being Courteous: How To Be Personal
You have learned how to write polite and positive sentences. However, a third "P"
- be personal - is also important.
Read the letter below. Does it seem personal to you?
If you were Rachel Harrison, the customer who received this letter, how would
you feel?
12 May 200X
Ms Rachel Harrison
34 Smythe Court
Westfield
Dear Madam
Reference is made to your letter of 1 May regarding the status of the application

for a Privilege Card.
The Bank has checked the relevant records. The application was received, but the
cheque was not enclosed.
Be advised that the cheque must be received before the Privilege Card can be
sent.
Yours faithfully
S Martin
Personal Relationship Manager
Good customer relations...
...need a personal touch.
But how can your writing have a personal touch?
Look at the letter again. Think about how you could rewrite some of the
sentences to make them more personal.
You can do at least three things to make this letter more personal.
USE PERSONAL PRONOUNS
The letter has only one personal pronoun.
However, when you speak to people, you often use words like "you", "I" and "we".
If you also use these personal pronouns when you write, your sentences will
sound more personal.
Look at the sentence below. How can you make it more personal?
"The Bank appreciates a prompt reply."
Remember, "the Bank" is made up of people, and you want a reply from a person:
"We would appreciate it if you could reply promptly."
In addition to using personal pronouns, you can use a person's name when
writing.
USE PEOPLE'S NAMES
Do you remember the impersonal letter to Rachel Harrison? In that letter, the
writer didn't use the customer's name... except in the address.

When you speak with customers, you usually use their names. So, if you use a
customer's name when writing, your letter will sound more personal.
If you were writing a letter to John Carter, how would you begin?
You wouldn't write "Dear Sir", would you? You would write "Dear Mr Carter" or
even "Dear John", if you knew him well.
Everyone likes to hear or read their own name. So, sometimes, you can even use
a person's name in the body of the letter.
For example, you could write
"May I suggest, John, that you..."
"John, since you are a valued customer, I would like to..."
However, you probably would not use a person's name more than once in
the letter.
You will write more personal memos, letters and e-mails if you use personal
pronouns and personal names. You should also use the active voice of the verb.
USE ACTIVE VOICE OF THE VERB
When you use the active voice of the verb, you emphasise the person doing the
action (the "doer").
Using the passive voice emphasises the action and often does not mention the
"doer". So, it sounds impersonal.
Look at the sentence below. How can you change this sentence to make it sound
more personal?
"Please be assured that the application will be processed quickly."
Suggested revision:
"We assure you that we will process your application quickly."
If you'd like to review how to use the active and passive voice of the verb, go to
Chapter 5.
You can practise writing personal sentences in the exercise below.
The following sentences are quite impersonal. Revise the sentences to make them
more personal.
The Bank acknowledges receipt of the letter dated 10 May.

The Premier card can be used worldwide.
The proposal you made is acceptable to us.
We received your letter of 10 May. / Thank you for your letter of 10 May.
You can use your Premier card worldwide.
We accept your proposal.
下一次我们将讲述四个 P ——中的最后一个 How To Be Professional，敬请关注
[ 2007-06-14 11:27 ]
今天我们来学习礼貌守则的最后一个 P——professional。
Being Courteous: How To Be Professional
So far, you've learned three ways to make your writing more courteous. You've
learned how to make your sentences polite, positive and personal. You also
need to learn how to use the fourth "P" to make your writing professional.
Did you know that modern business English includes many standard expressions?
Many phrases in English are standard. That is, they don't change. If you know
these phrases, you can use them again and again.
And when you use these standard expressions, your writing will look more
professional.
However, you need to use these expressions correctly, or your writing will look
very unprofessional. Look at this sentence.

"I am appreciate if you send me the documents."
The person who wrote this sentence tried to use a standard expression. However,
they didn't use it correctly.
It should be:
"I would appreciate it if you could send me the documents."
You can use the table below to learn some of the standard expressions in English
business correspondence.
STANDARD EXPRESSIONS
To begin a letter
We are writing to enquire about ...
We are writing to request ...
I refer to your letter of ...
Thank you for your letter of ...
To request
We would be grateful if you could ...
We would appreciate it if you could ...
Could/Would you please ...
Would you mind -ing ...
To ask for clarification
It is not clear whether ...
We are not sure if ...
We would be grateful if you could clarify
this.
To clear up misunderstandings
We were under the impression that ...
We were led to believe that ...
There appears to be a misunderstanding
about ...
To apologise/express regret
I am afraid that ...
We are very sorry that ...
We sincerely apologise for ...
Please accept our apologies for ...
To confirm
I would like to confirm the arrangements
for ...
We will wait for your confirmation before
going ahead.
To make suggestions
May I suggest that ...
One possible solution would be to ...
To explain/give reasons
This is because ...
This is due to ...
To refuse politely
I am afraid that we are unable to ...
We are aware of the problems, but
unfortunately, ...
We appreciate your point of view, but ...
I'm sorry that we are unable to ...
To close a letter
We look forward to hearing from you.
I look forward to receiving your reply...
We hope to hear from you shortly.
I hope this information will help you.
If you would like any further information,
please call me on/at ...
You can practise writing professional sentences by doing the exercise below.
There are five business situations below. For each situation, choose the correct
standard expression(s).
Some situations have more than one correct answer.

1. Request someone to send a catalogue of their products.
A. Would you mind to send a catalogue of your products?
B. Could you please send a catalogue of your products?
C. Would you mind sending a catalogue of your products?
D. I would request a catalogue of your products?
2. Suggest that someone refer to the "Quick Guide" for information.
A. Please refer to the "Quick Guide" for information.
B. Please reference the "Quick Guide" for information.
C. May I suggest that you refer to the "Quick Guide" for information?
D. May I suggest you to refer to the "Quick Guide" for information?
3. Refer to a fax you received on 9 March.
A. Your fax of 9 March refers.
B. Thank you for your fax of 9 March.
C. Thank you for your fax on 9 March.
D. I refer to your fax of 9 March.
4. Close a letter politely.
A. I look forward to hearing from you.
B. In anticipation of your reply.
C. Eagerly awaiting your reply.
D. I hope this information is helpful.
5. Ask for clarification of a meeting time.
A. I am not clear for the meeting time.
B. It is not sure for the meeting time.
C. It is not clear whether the meeting time.
D. I am not sure about the meeting time.
Keys:
1. BC 2. AC 3. BD 4. AD 5. D
我们已经了解了 being courteous 的四个 P 原则：
polite，positive，personal，professional。下一节我们将对本章所讲述的内容作一次总结练
习。

[ 2007-06-15 11:02 ]
Summary
In this chapter, you learned how to revise your sentences to make them courteous.
To make your sentences courteous, you need to be
 polite (by using magic words as well as modal verbs, and by turning
statements into questions)
 positive (by stating what you can do and by using the "if-contract")
 personal (by using personal pronouns, people's names and the active
voice of the verb)
 professional (by using standard English expressions correctly).
Summary Exercises
There are two exercises in this section. In both exercises, you will practise revising a letter
to make the sentences more courteous.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1

You know the letter below is not very courteous. Revise the letter to make the sentences
more polite, positive, personal and professional. Write your revised letter on a piece of
paper.
12 May 200X
Ms Rachel Harrison
34 Smythe Court
Westfield
Dear Madam
Reference is made to your letter of 1 May regarding the status of the application for a
Privilege Card.
The Bank has checked the relevant records. The application was received, but the cheque
was not enclosed.
Be advised that the cheque must be received before the Privilege Card can be sent.
Yours faithfully
S Martin
Compare your letter with this suggested revision.
12 May 200X
Ms Rachel Harrison
34 Smythe Court
Westfield
Dear Ms Harrison
Privilege Card Application
Thank you for your letter of 1 May.
I would like to inform you of the status of your application for a Privilege Card.
We have checked our records carefully. We received your application on 4 May, but not
the cheque.
If you can send us a cheque, we will immediately send you the Privilege Card. If you have
any questions, please call me on 2318 1215.

Yours sincerely
S Martin
In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry and then revised the document for
completeness. In Chapter 4, your revised the paragraphs of the letter and made them
cohesive. In Chapter 5, you revised the sentences of the letter to make them clear and
concise.
In this exercise, you will revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you will try to make
the sentences courteous.
To do this exercise, you will need the letter which you revised in Chapter 5.
Check each sentence to make sure that it is courteous.
You should write your revision on a piece of paper. When you finish revising the sentences
in your letter to Mr Perry, keep both the "first draft" and this "fourth revision". You'll need
them in Chapter 8.
Well Done!
You've also completed the fourth stage of the Writing Process: Revise.
 write courteous sentences
 revise sentences to make them courteous.
You also should know that, to produce courteous sentences, you need to be
 polite
 positive
 personal
 professional.
In the next chapter, you'll learn how to reply to difficult letters. You'll discover how to
structure the contents of your letter in an appropriate way.
See you there!

[ 2007-06-18 13:58 ]
In Chapter 6, you learned how to write courteous letters. You practised achieving a courteous tone by
writing sentences that were polite, positive, personal and professional.
However, you can't always achieve the right tone simply by writing courteous sentences. Sometimes,
the way you organise the information affects the tone of your letters.
In this chapter, you'll learn the best way to structure the contents so you achieve the right tone...
especially when you write "difficult letters".
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll have practised achieving the right tone as you write the following three
kinds of difficult letters:

persuading a customer to accept your suggestion
refusing a customer's request
responding to a customer's unjustified complaint.
Difficult Letters: What Are They?
Some letters are easy to write. Others are more difficult. In this chapter, you'll learn how to write some of
these difficult letters.
Whenever you have to say "no" to a colleague or customer, the letter will be difficult to write.
When you write these difficult letters, you need to put yourself in the reader's place. You need to
consider how the reader will feel when you say "no".
You can do several things to help your reader accept what you write. First of all, you must make sure
that your sentences are polite, positive, personal and professional. Then, you need to structure the
contents of these letters in an appropriate way.
In this chapter, you'll learn the appropriate pattern for writing three types of difficult letters.
You'll learn to write each type of letter as part of a case study. To discover the procedure you'll follow for
each case study, move your mouse pointer over the numbers below.
1. read about the situation which requires you to write a letter
2. evaluate the tone of the first draft (written by a colleague)
3. identify ways to improve the draft and achieve the right tone
4. rewrite the letter.
下一节我们将学习怎样写 persuading customer 的信件。
[ 2007-06-19 10:23 ]
如何写说服客户改变主意的信件？按照下面的步骤，您就可以轻松搞定。
Difficult Letter #1: Persuading a Customer
THE SITUATION
An HSBC customer in Thailand has decided to purchase a new car. As a result, he has
requested an increase in his overdraft facility to pay for the new car.
HSBC, however, prefers its customers to use car loans when purchasing new cars. A loan
allows customers to pay for the car over a longer period of time. The repayment schedule
gives customers a clear picture of their financial commitments for the period of the loan. In
addition, a loan enables customers to use their overdraft facility to meet unexpected
expenses.
Your colleague has drafted a letter to persuade the customer to apply for a car loan.

THE FIRST DRAFT
Evaluate the tone of the first draft below.
21 October 200X
S Khomson
6/F 324 Phayathai Road
Bangkok
Dear Mr Khomson
Thank you for your letter requesting an increase in your overdraft facility.
We, however, do not recommend using your overdraft facility to purchase a new car.
Therefore, we suggest that you apply for a car loan instead.
I have enclosed a brochure on car loans.
Please read the brochure and complete the application form. As soon as I receive your
application, I will help you process the loan.
Yours sincerely
What do you think of the tone of this letter?
Write your comments on a piece of paper. Then, compare your comments with the
evaluation below.
THE FIRST DRAFT – EVALUATION
The letter is quite courteous. The writer has used appropriate strategies for writing polite,
positive and personal sentences.
However, the writer has been too direct. The writer assumes that the customer will accept
the suggestion. But the reader - the customer - has already indicated what he wants to do.
So he may resist the suggestion.
How, then, can you get the customer to agree with your suggestion?
IMPROVING THE DRAFT
How could you improve the draft?

Write your ideas on a piece of paper. Then compare your ideas with the suggestions.
The writer's first sentence is quite pleasant. However, you could add a sentence to
compliment the customer. For example:
"I have enjoyed serving you over the past five years."
Before making a suggestion, you need to provide some background. You need to state the
reasons for the suggestion first. If possible, you should also state how your suggestion can
benefit the customer.
Then, you can make your suggestion.
Finally, you should close the letter positively. You should also offer your help if the customer
agrees with your suggestion.
IMPROVING THE DRAFT - APPROPRIATE PATTERN
How do you structure the contents when you need to persuade a customer to accept your
suggestion?
In the table below, the pattern for writing to persuade a customer is incomplete. You need
to complete it.
Pattern for persuading a customer to accept your suggestion
1) Pleasant introduction, complimenting the customer
2)
3)
4) Polite close, with offer of help
Keys:
2) Reasons for / benefits of the suggestion
3) Suggestion
REVISING THE DRAFT
Now try revising the draft prepared by your colleague.
To do this, you will need
l the draft prepared by your colleague
l the appropriate pattern for persuading a customer to accept a suggestion
l information about the benefits of a car loan
l a pen and a piece of paper.
REVISING THE DRAFT – EXAMPLE

21 October 200X
S Khomson
6/F 324 Phayathai Road
Bangkok
Dear Mr Khomson
Thank you for your letter requesting an increase in your overdraft facility. I have always
enjoyed assisting you manage your finances over the years.
Purchasing a new car is a significant investment. An HSBC car loan allows you to pay for
your new car over a longer period of time. In addition, whatever repayment schedule you
choose provides you with a clear picture of your financial commitments for the whole
period. At the same time, you can still use your overdraft facility to meet any unexpected
expenses.
Therefore, I suggest that you apply for a car loan when you purchase your new car. I have
enclosed a brochure which provides additional information.
Mr Khomson, I urge you to consider this suggestion. I believe you will find a car loan the
most convenient way to meet all of your expenses, both budgeted and unexpected. Please
call me on 217 9876 so that we can discuss the terms in detail.
Yours sincerely
下一节我们将学习如何写 refusing requests 的信件。
[ 2007-06-20 10:04 ]
对客户说“NO”可不是件好做的事情。怎样才能在拒绝的同时不让客户产生反感、而失去客户呢？下面就教
给您给客户写拒绝信的一些注意事项。
Difficult Letter #2: Refusing a Request
THE SITUATION
An HSBC customer in Canada has read a copy of HSBC's Premier Magazine at the home of
a friend. She liked it so much that she requested the Bank to send the magazine to her
home. HSBC, however, only sends this magazine to its Premier customers.

One of your staff has drafted a reply for you.
THE FIRST DRAFT
Evaluate the tone of the first draft, which is printed below.
16 March 200X
Mary Davis
23 Queensway Drive
Richmond Hill
Ontario L4S 1S1
Dear Ms Davis
Thank you for your letter requesting a copy of our Premier Magazine.
Unfortunately, we are unable to grant your request.
You see, we send this magazine only to our Premier customers.
Please accept our apologies.
Yours sincerely
Would you send this letter to your customer?
evaluation below.
THE FIRST DRAFT - EVALUATION
The letter is quite courteous. The writer has used "magic words" to be polite and pronouns
to be personal. The writer also has tried to be positive by stating what we CAN do, ie "send
the magazine only to our Premier customers".
However, the customer would probably be unhappy after reading this letter. Why? Because
the writer said "no" rather directly.
How, then, can you break the news gently? In other words, how can you politely refuse a
customer's request?
IMPROVING THE DRAFT
Write your ideas on a piece of paper. Then compare your ideas with some suggestions.

You should begin as the writer did, ie with a neutral sentence (eg "Thank you for ..."). You
should then add a sentence complimenting the customer (eg "We are pleased that you
are interested in this publication."). Or, if the customer has problems, you could
express empathy (eg "I understand that you ...").
Next, you should pave the way for the refusal. In other words, you should give the
reasons for refusing the request first. When giving reasons, you should not mention
"bank policy", which means very little to the reader. Then, you can conclude the
paragraph with the refusal itself.
Before closing the letter politely, you should suggest - if possible -- an alternative to
what the customer has requested. Such an offer will show that you value the customer.
How do you structure the contents when you need to refuse a customer's request?
In the table below, the pattern for refusing a customer's request is incomplete. You need
to complete it.
Pattern for refusing a customer's request
1) Pleasant introduction, complimenting or empathising with the customer
2)
3)
4)
Keys:
2) Reasons for the refusal
3) Refusal
4) Alternative suggestion (if appropriate)
REVISING THE DRAFT
Now try revising the draft prepared by a member of your staff.
l the draft prepared by your staff member
l the appropriate pattern for refusing a customer's request
l a pen and a piece of paper.
16 March 200X

Mary Davis
23 Queensway Drive
Richmond Hill
Ontario L4S 1S1
Dear Ms Davis
Thank you for your letter requesting HSBC's Premier Magazine. I am delighted to learn
that you are interested in this publication.
As an HSBC customer, you may have heard about Premier, our personal banking service.
One of Premier's many benefits is a free subscription to Premier Magazine. I'm afraid that,
since you do not yet have a Premier account, we are unable to send you this magazine.
However, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you to become one of our Premier
customers. You only need to maintain a minimum balance of CAD50,000 to experience
this special service. I have enclosed a brochure which provides additional information.
If you would like to enjoy all the benefits of our Premier service (including the magazine),
please visit any HSBC branch. We will be happy to help you apply.
I hope this information is helpful and look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely
下一节我们将学习如何写处理抱怨和投诉的信件
[ 2007-06-21 13:42 ]
如何回复客户的投诉信件？下面的方法教你轻松搞定。
Difficult Letter #3: Responding To an Unjustified Complaint
THE SITUATION
An HSBC customer in Hong Kong has written to complain about charges for returned
cheques.

The customer's cheque was returned twice.
 The customer's cheque, #012345 for HKD5,000, was returned when presented for
payment on 3 April because the customer's account was already overdrawn by
HKD750.
 The customer's wife deposited a cheque for HKD5,000 from her account into her
husband's account on 4 April.
 The customer's cheque, #012345 for HKD5,000, was returned a second time when
presented for payment on 5 April because the account had insufficient funds, ie only
HKD4,250.
 The Bank charges HKD100 for each returned cheque.
In his letter, the customer asked HSBC to refund the charges for returned cheques.
One of your colleagues drafted a response and has asked for your comments.
THE FIRST DRAFT
Evaluate the tone of the first draft below.
12 April 200X
Mr John Lee
Flat 25B Tower 1
333 Kwun Tong Road
Kowloon
Dear Mr Lee
Thank you for your letter of 10 April requesting a refund of overdraft charges on your
current account. Let me explain the situation.
Cheques presented for payment are cleared after banking hours by the Clearing House.
The drawer's account is automatically debited at that time. If this results in an
overdraft, the Bank decides the next day if we will honour the cheque.
Unfortunately, this happened twice when cheque number 012345 was presented on 3
and 5 April.
I am sorry, therefore, that we are unable to refund the overdraft charges of $200.
I hope that I have helped to clarify the situation. You are a valued customer, and we
appreciate you taking the time to write to us.
Yours sincerely

What do you think of this draft?
evaluation below.
THE FIRST DRAFT - EVALUATION
The letter is quite courteous. The writer has used "magic words" to be polite and pronouns
to be personal. The writer has also apologised for being unable to grant the customer's
request.
Unfortunately, the writer hasn't fully explained the situation. If the customer is unaware of
the situation, he won't be able to understand why you think his complaint is unjustified.
In addition, the writer did not suggest how to avoid this problem in the future. In other
words, the writer doesn't offer any help to the customer. As a result, the reader may not
think that you value him as a customer.
What, then, is the best way to respond to unjustified complaints?
IMPROVING THE DRAFT
Write your ideas on a piece of paper. Then compare your ideas with some suggestions.
You should begin as the writer did, ie with a neutral sentence (eg "Thank you for...").
You should then add a sentence to express empathy if the customer has been
embarrassed or inconvenienced (eg "I regret the inconvenience this may have
caused you."). However, you should not apologise, if the Bank did nothing wrong.
Next, you should explain the situation in detail. However, you must not blame the
customer, even if he has made a mistake. Using a passive verb form (cf Chapter 6) helps
you do this. "Your account was overdrawn" sounds more polite than "You overdrew
your account".
If you need to refuse a customer's request, you should do it only after you explain the
situation.
Before closing, you should suggest a way for the customer to avoid this problem in
future. Such an offer will show that you value the customer.
How do you structure the contents when you need to respond to a customer's unjustified
complaint?

In the table below, the pattern for responding to an unjustified complaint is incomplete.
You need to complete it.
Pattern for responding to an unjustified complaint
1) Pleasant introduction, empathising with the customer
2)
3)
4)
Keys:
2) Complete explanation of the situation
3) Refusal of request or compensation
4) Advice or suggestion
REVISING THE DRAFT
Now try revising the draft prepared by a member of your staff.
 l the draft prepared by your staff member
 l the appropriate pattern for responding to a customer's unjustified complaint
 l information about the complaint
 l a pen and a piece of paper.
12 April 200X
Mr John Lee
Flat 25 B Tower 1
333 Kwun Tong Road
Kowloon
Dear Mr Lee
Thank you for your letter of 10 April requesting a refund of charges made for returned
cheques. I regret any inconvenience these returned cheques may have caused you. Please
let me explain the situation.
I have examined your records carefully. When your cheque #012345 for HKD5,000 was
presented for payment on 3 April, your account was already overdrawn by HKD750. As a
result, we could not accept the cheque. After your wife deposited a cheque for HKD5,000
into your account on 4 April, the balance was HKD4,250. When cheque #012345 for
HKD5,000 was presented again on 5 April, your account still had insufficient funds. As a
result, we could not accept the cheque. In both cases, we only debited the minimum

charge for a returned cheque, HKD100.
I would like to suggest that you consider using either our internet or telephone banking
services. You can use these services to check the balances in your accounts and transfer
funds between accounts. As a result, you can ensure sufficient balances in your accounts
at all times. I have enclosed brochures which describe both the internet and telephone
services.
Mr Lee, please call me on 2398-2398. I would be delighted to arrange these services for
you.
I hope this information is helpful and I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely
[ 2007-06-21 11:40 ]

Summary
In this chapter, you learned how to write difficult letters.
Hopefully, you now understand that - to achieve the right tone - you sometimes need to do
more than write courteous sentences. You may also need to structure the letter in an
appropriate way.
In this chapter, you learned the appropriate structure - or pattern - for three kinds
of difficult letters:
 l persuading a customer to accept your suggestion
 l refusing a customer's request
 l responding to a customer's unjustified complaint.
You can review these patterns in the Summary Exercise.
Summary Exercise
In this chapter, you learned how to write three types of difficult letters.
In the following exercise, you can quickly review the appropriate structure for each type of
difficult letter.
Complete the following patterns by
 l identifying the type of difficult letter you use the pattern for
 l inserting the missing part in the pattern itself.
A
1) Pleasant introduction, with empathy
3)
B
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment
2)
C
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment or empathy
2) Reasons for the reasons for the refusal
3) Refusal
4)

a. Persuading a customer
b. Refusing a request
C. Responding to unjustified complaint
d. Reasons for / benefits of suggestions
e. Refusal of request / compensation
f. Advice or suggestion
Answer
Responding to unjustified complaint
1) Pleasant introduction, with empathy
3) Refusal of request / compensation
Persuading a customer
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment
2) Reasons for / benefits of suggestions
Refusing a request
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment or empathy
2) Reasons for the reasons for the refusal
3) Refusal
Well Done!
By now you should be able to write letters in which you
 l persuade a customer to accept your suggestion
 l refuse a customer's request politely
 l respond to a customer's unjustified complaint.
Remember to use the patterns you learned in this chapter whenever you need to write
these types of letters.
In the next chapter, you'll learn how to improve your letters with a final edit.
See you there!

[ 2007-06-25 10:06 ]
In Chapters 2-6, you learned the first four stages of the Writing Process: Plan, Organise,
Draft and Revise.
In this chapter, you are going to learn the fifth and final stage: Edit.
 l Plan
 l Organise
 l Draft
 l Revise
 l Edit
Objectives
By the end of this chapter you'll be able to edit your business correspondence so
that the words and sentences are correct.
You will also edit the letter you have been writing to Mr Perry.
Editing: Why Do We Do It?
You may be tired of looking at your document by the time you have finished revising it.
However, it's not quite ready to send. You still have to edit the document.
Take a few moments to think about editing... and why it is important. Write your thoughts
on a piece of paper.
Why editing is important:
Editing (or proof reading) puts the "finishing touches" on your document. Everything
you write gives a lasting impression of your company and you as a writer. So, it's
important to check your spelling, punctuation and grammar carefully. Missing
commas, misspelled words and inaccurate grammar give a poor impression.
Editing: How Do It
The four strategies for editing business correspondence are listed below.
 l Use a dictionary

 l Ask a friend or colleague to help (peer editing)
 l Use a grammar reference book
 l Keep a record of your own "Personal Errors".
You can use the first two strategies to help you edit any business document you write.
You can use the last two strategies to help you improve your skill in using English. As a
result, you'll be able to spend less time on editing.
下一节我们将继续讲述 edit 的四种办法，不要错过哦
[ 2007-06-26 10:56 ]
这一节我们将学习如何借助字典来改正信件中的用词、语法错误。
Editing: Using A Dictionary

When you edit what you write, you can get some help from two "friends". One of these
"friends" is a colleague; the other is a book.
You'll find it very helpful to have a good English-English dictionary as you edit.
A bi-lingual dictionary can be useful for translations, but an English-English dictionary
gives you more information on how to use a word or phrase.
One of the more user-friendly dictionaries is the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary
English.
However, if you don't have a copy of this dictionary, don't worry! You'll still be able to do
the exercises in this chapter.
EXERCISE: COMMON ERRORS
To understand how a dictionary can help you edit, do the following exercise.
Albert Hui's letter (below) contains four main types of common errors. There are a total of
11 errors. Only one example of each type of error is highlighted. Can you identify what the
four types of error are?
Dear Ms Brown
Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding.
I am please to provide you with the informations about our standing instructions.
I understand you have no experiences of this service before. However, I am sure you
will find this service very convenience. When you use this service to settle your bill, we
will debit the amount from your account automatically.
May I suggest you to apply immediately by filling out the enclose application form. We
would be happy to arrange you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to discuss
about this, please call to me or any of our staffs on 23446577.
Types of Error:
informations=countable / uncountable nouns
convenience=word class
suggest you to apply=verb+verb
discuss about=verb+preposition
Other examples of the errors:
Dear Ms Brown
Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding.

I am please to provide you the informations about our standing instructions.
I understand you have no experiences of this service before. However, I am sure you will
find this service very convenience. When you use this service to settle your bill, we will
debit the amount from your account automatically.
May I suggest you to apply immediately by filling out the enclose application form. We
would be happy to arrange you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to discuss
about this, please call to me or any of our staffs on 23446577.
COMMON ERRORS
Albert Hui's letter contains four types of common errors. If you could not identify these
types of errors, you probably need to improve in those areas. You can use a dictionary to
help you to improve in each area.
Verb + verb (two verbs in a sentence)
In his letter, Albert wrote
"May I suggest you to apply…"
How many verbs are there in this phrase? (Two)
When a phrase or sentence contains two verbs, you should check the grammar in a
dictionary.
suggest......(verb) 1 to tell someone your ideas about what they should do: Please
suggest a convenient time for our meeting with Mr Brown.
suggest doing sth She suggested sending the books by airmail.
suggest (that) He suggested that I talk to his supervisor about my proposal......
Is Albert's phrase correct?
He wrote:
"May I suggest you to apply..."
Albert wants to tell Ms Brown his ideas about what she should do.
According to the dictionary, there are two ways to do this. The phrases highlighted in bold
show you the grammatical structures that you can use with the verb "suggest".
You can write "suggest doing something"
You can also write "suggest (that)"

But you cannot write "suggest to do something"
So Albert's phrase is not correct.
From the dictionary you learn that
 l "suggest" can be followed by a 'doing' word (a verb)
 l the verb that follows "suggest" must take the ~ing form.
The dictionary also tells you that
you can say "suggest (that)".
If the dictionary puts "that" in brackets, it means you don't have to use it.
For example:
She suggested sending the books by airmail.
She suggested that I send the books by airmail.
She suggested I send the books by airmail.
Albert should have used one of the following three ways to write this phrase:
1. "May I suggest applying immediately..."
2. "May I suggest that you apply immediately..."
3. "May I suggest you apply immediately..."
下一节我们将来分析 Verb + preposition 的错误类型以及如何改正。
[ 2007-06-27 14:27 ]
这一节我们来分析其他三种错误类型：Verb + preposition，countable / uncountable
nouns 以及 word class (词性) 的错误类型以及如何改正。
Verb + preposition
In his letter, Albert makes several mistakes with verbs followed by prepositions.

For example, he wrote
"If you would like to discuss about this,..."
When a phrase or sentence contains a verb followed by a preposition, you should check the
grammar in a dictionary.
Read the dictionary entry below for "discuss". Look at the example sentences.
Can "discuss" be followed by the preposition "about"?
Discuss...(verb)
1 to talk about something with someone in order to exchange ideas or decide
something: Sam won't discuss his new deal.
Discuss sth with sb I discussed my plan with Mr Lee...
The verb "discuss" is not followed by a preposition. For example, "Sam won't discuss his
new deal". Note, however, that you can write, "Sam won't get into a discussion about his
new deal".
Try this activity to practise using verbs followed by prepositions. You can use a dictionary.
For each of these sentences below, choose the correct phrase to fill in the gap.
1. Human Resources _____ the need for all staff to abide by the code of conduct.
A. stressed about B. stressed C. stressed on
2. Please _____ Amy to contact the Eastside branch.
A. request for B. request with C. request
3. We are encouraging all customers to ____ a credit card during the promotion period.
A. apply on B. apply C. apply for
4. It is important to ____ the customer's request carefully.
A. listen B. listen to C. listen in to
Keys: BCCB
Countable / uncountable nouns
In his letter, Albert wrote:
"I am please to provide you the informations..."
There are several mistakes in this sentence.
You can use a dictionary to help you identify and correct these mistakes.

For example, look up the word "informations" in a dictionary. Below is part of a typical
dictionary entry.
Information...(noun) 1 [U] facts or knowledge about something or somebody...
In the dictionary, the word "information" is followed by a symbol [U]. This tells you that
"information" is an uncountable noun.
An uncountable noun has no plural form. It cannot be counted. It is regarded as both
singular and plural.
Can you think of another example? How about 'water' or 'rice'?
Can you say 'one water, two waters, three waters...'?
No! 'Water' is uncountable.
In the Longman Dictionary, uncountable nouns are marked [U].
Countable nouns - things you can count, such as table / tables - are marked [C]
Look at the nouns on the left below. Which nouns are countable [C] and which are
uncountable [U]? You can use a dictionary.
Money
Equipment
Currency
Department
Staff
Furniture
Person
Information
Countable: Currency, Department, Person
Uncountable: Money, Equipment, Staff, Furniture, Information
The sentences below all contain at least one countable / uncountable noun error.
Try to correct the errors.
1. I have invested monies in six different foreign currency.
2. In our office, the furnitures are very old.
3. The manager is concerned that some staffs are arriving late.
Answers:
1. I have invested money in six different foreign currencies.
2. In our office, the furniture is very old.
3. The manager is concerned that some staff are arriving late.

Word class
In his letter, Albert wrote:
"I'm sure you'll find this service very convenience".
Can you see the mistake that Albert made?
Albert is describing a service. Unfortunately, he used the wrong word class (or part of
speech). To describe someone or something you should use an adjective. Albert used a
noun ("convenience") instead of an adjective ("convenient").
Albert should have written:
"I'm sure you'll find this service very convenient."
You can use a dictionary to check the class of words you use. This will help you avoid the
mistake which Albert made.
What's wrong with this sentence?
"He is lack of experience."
Lack1
.... (noun) [ U ] the state of not having enough of something: [ + of ] Lack of
regular exercise may increase the chance of illness....
Lack2
....(verb) 1 to not have enough of something that you need: Annie lacks the
self-discipline to do her homework every day...
The dictionary gives the following sentences as examples of the word "lack":
(a) Noun - Lack of regular exercise may increase the chance of illness.
(b) Verb - Annie lacks the self-discipline to do her homework every day.
Use these entries to help you correct the following sentence:
"He is lack of experience."
Answer:
The word "lack" can be either a noun or a verb.
1. noun: "He has a lack of experience." "He shows a lack of experience."
2. verb: "He lacks experience."
Note: You could also use "lacking", which is an adjective.
eg "He's lacking in experience."
Exercise

You now know how to use the dictionary to help you edit a letter. Below is an exercise to
practise what you've learned.
Help Albert edit his letter so that it will be ready to send. Each paragraph from the letter is
shown below.
Use your dictionary to identify the errors. Then rewrite each paragraph.
Paragraph 1
"Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding."
Answer: "Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding."
Paragraph 2
"I am please to provide you the informations about our standing instructions."
Answer: "I am pleased to provide you with the information about our standing
instructions."
Paragraph 3
"I understand you have no experiences of this service before. However, I'm sure you'll find
this service very convenience. When you use this service to settle your bill, we will debit the
amount from your account automatically."
Answer: "I understand you have no experience of this service before. However, I'm sure
you'll find this service very convenient. When you use this service to settle your bill, we
will debit the amount from your account automatically."
Paragraph 4
"May I suggest you to apply immediately by filling out the enclose application form. We are
happy to arrange you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to discuss about this,
please call to me or any of our staffs on 2344 6577."
Answer: "May I suggest that you apply immediately by filling out the enclosed application
form. We are happy to arrange for you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to
discuss this, please call me or any of our staff on 2344 6577."
Paragraph 5
"I look forward to hearing from you."
Answer: "I look forward to hearing from you." (no errors)
When you edit, you can get a lot of help from a dictionary. You can also get help from
another "friend".
That’s peer editing. 我们将在下一节中讲述。

[ 2007-06-29 14:54 ]
这一节我们先给大家做个错误日志的示范，然后通过六组练习帮大家找到自己最容易犯错的地方，也就是
你语法中最需要加强的地方。
Editing: Your Own Personal Errors Log

To improve your grammar, you shouldn't try to work on every area at once.
You need a plan. In other words, you need to
 identify the grammar points you wish to improve
 decide the order in which you will study the grammar points
 decide how long you will study each grammar point.
To help you prepare such a plan, you can use a "Personal Errors Log".
Below is an example of a "Personal Errors Log".
Type of Error Error Correction Study Timeline
Verb + verb 'May I suggest you
to apply...'
'May I suggest you
apply...'
March-May 200X
(Example only)
Verb + preposition 'discuss about'
'apologise causing...'
'discuss'
'apologise for
causing...'
June-August 200X
(Example only)
Countable /
Uncountable Nouns
'informations'
'staffs'
'information'
'staff'
Sep-Nov 200X
(Example only)
Word class 'I am please'
'very convenience'
'I am pleased...'
'very convenient'
Verb tenses
Active/ passive
Other
You can use the "Personal Errors Log" to help you work on the grammar points you wish to
improve.
But how can you know which areas of grammar you need to improve?
You can do two things:
 You can keep a record of the errors you and your colleague identify when
you edit. The errors which you make most often are the ones you should
work on.
 You can take a "Personal Writing Analysis" to identify the grammar points
which cause you the most problems.
Editing: Personal Writing Analysis
The "Personal Writing Analysis" on the next six sections will help you identify specific areas
for personal improvement.
Each section covers one of the most common grammar problems facing people who use
English as an additional language.
Follow this procedure for the "Personal Writing Analysis":

In each section...
1) Choose the six correct answers.
2) Decide what grammar point is being tested in the section.
3) Check your answer.
After completing all six sections, you'll get your results. In addition, you'll be able to
identify the grammar points you need to improve (ie the sections in which you had the
most errors).
SECTION A
Choose the correct sentence.
1) We would appreciate if you could let us have a few copies.
be appreciated
appreciate it
2）Mr Chan suggested me to apply for the position of credit officer.
I apply
me applying
3) John apologised about making the error.
to making
for making
4) I arranged for him to learn how to use the new computer.
him to learn
him learning
5) Please notify your decision to us by 31 July.
us your decision
us of your decision
6) Mr Casey is responsible to set up a new training schedule.
for setting up
with setting up
Keys:
1) appreciate 2) I supply 3) for making 4) for him to learn 5) us of your decision 6)
for setting up
This test is about verb+verb.
SECTION B
Choose the correct sentence. You have one chance only.

1) I wonder if there was any error occurred in the computer calculation.
there is any
any
2) Can you assure us that this will not happen again?
be happened
be happening
3) I think you will have benefit from our improved customer service.
be benefited
benefit
4) A letter of credit has arranged for you.
、 has been arranged
being arranged
5) We are sorry for the inconvenience that has caused you.
has been caused to
has caused to
6) It was decided that the meeting will hold on 13 September.
is held
will be held
Keys:
1) any 2) happen 3) benefit 4) has been arranged 5) has been caused to 6) will be held
The grammar tested is active/passive verbs.
SECTION C
1) The new strategy will be announced tomorrow. The Board of Directors have met last
Thursday.
have meet
met
2) Thank you for taking part in this year's staff survey. Please indicate how long you have
been working for the Bank
had worked
were working

3) The Board will meet again next week to discuss the issue.
They mentioned the possibility of a merger at the last meeting.
have mentioned
have had mentioned
4) Richard is very upset. He says he did not receive any statements for the past
four months.
has not received
did not received
5) Mrs Yu is a valued customer. She was banking with us for twenty years.
had been
has been
6) We don't know if Tom will attend the meeting. We did not hear from him lately.
have not heard
did not heard
Keys:
1) met 2) have been working 3) mentioned 4) has not received 5) has been 6) have
not heard
The grammar tested here is verb tenses.
SECTION D
1) There have been several occurrence of theft in that company recently.
occurrences
2) He has no experience in this sort of work.
experiences
3) Cash-handling jobs require the concentration.
a concentration.
concentration.
4) Please send us some informations about the Hexagon service.
information
5) You must always get a permission from your supervisor.
the permission
permission
6) We have just installed a great deal of new computer equipments in our Head
Office.
equipment

Keys:
1) occurrences 2) experience 3) concentration 4) information 5) permission 6)
equipment
The grammar tested here is countable/ uncountable nouns.
SECTION E
1) H.J. Wells & Co. have sent us a bill about HKD 4,999.00.
for HKD 4,999.00.
on HKD 4,999.00.
2) I submitted formal proposals to computerise the accounts, but the manager has not
agreed on them yet.
to
with
3) We have not had any complaints on the revised appraisal system.
of
about
4) Gerry did not regret of his decision to refuse their requests for further credit
facilities.
his decision
for his decision
5) At the meeting we would like to discuss about how we can improve our work
environment.
on how
how
6) Please provide me the information by 1 July.
with the information
Keys:
1) for HKD 4,999.00 2) to 3) about 4) his decision 5) how 6) with the information
The grammar tested here is verb + preposition.
SECTION F
1) We have great confident in our staff.
confidence

2) The recently conference was a great success.
recent
3) ABC.com suffered a loss of over 2 million dollars last month.
lose
4) Albert was a suitability candidate for the position of clerk.
suitable
5) The accountant was asked to analysis the sales figures.
analyse
6) This department must become more efficiency.
efficient.
Keys:
1) confidence 2) recent 3) loss 4) suitable 5) analyse 6) efficient
The grammar tested here is word class.
以上六个 section 测试的是语法的不同方面。自己做一下，哪个 section 得分最少，就说明你需要最先加
强哪一方面。
You have now completed the "Personal Writing Analysis".
Now, you should be able to decide which area of grammar you need to work on first.
Work on one area of grammar at a time. For example, set yourself a time period of 3
months to work on sentences with two verbs (verb + verb). Then work on sentences which
contain verbs followed by prepositions (verb + preposition), etc.
You need to decide what will study and for how long you will study. When you decide,
record this information in your "Personal Errors Log".
Also, continue to record the errors from the documents you write at work.
Then use a grammar reference book or an on-line course to help you improve those areas.
Your "Personal Errors Log" will become a record of your progress.

[ 2007-07-02 10:42 ]
Summary
In this chapter, you learned to edit what you write.
You learned how to use two "friends" to help you identify and correct errors in your
business documents. These two "friends" are your dictionary and your colleague.
You also learned how to use two "tools" to help you improve your English (and reduce the
amount of editing you need to do). These two "tools" are a grammar reference book and a
"Personal Errors Log".
In addition, you identified specific English grammar points you need to improve. You
identified these areas after you completed the "Personal Writing Analysis".

Editing what you write is very important. After you edit your document, it should be
correct. If it is, it will make a good impression on your reader. In addition, you'll get the
results you're looking for.
Summary Exercise
LETTER TO MR PERRY
In Chapter 3, you drafted a letter to Mr Perry. You also revised it. In Chapters 4-6, you
continued to revise the letter.
In this exercise, you're going to edit the letter.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter which you revised in Chapter 6.
Check the letter very carefully. Focus on those grammar points which cause problems for
you. Use a dictionary - and a friend or colleague - to help.
After you have identified and corrected all the errors, write the final version on a piece of
paper.
When you finish, you can compare your final version with the sample letter on the next
screen.
Below is a sample of the letter to Mr Perry.
15 October 200X
Mr Robert Perry
Flat 3 A Bayshore Tower
Mary's Point
Vancouver
Dear Mr Perry
Premier Account 12346789
We have received the cheque (no 60263) which you deposited through our "Quick Deposit'
service on 9 August 200X. However, we have been unable to credit the money to your
Premier account.
Please let me explain what has happened.
The name on a cheque needs to match the name of the account. Unfortunately, the name
on the cheque was R Pery instead of R Perry. As a result, I have enclosed the cheque so that
you can return it to the person who issued it.

Please ask that person to issue another one. As soon as we receive the cheque with the
correct name, we can deposit it in your account.
I hope this information is helpful.
Yours sincerely
Well Done!
You've now completed Chapter 8... and the entire Writing Process.
In this chapter, you learned how to edit what you write.
You also learned what the most common grammar problems are for people who use
English as an additional language.
So, now you should know how to identify and correct errors by
 l using a dictionary
 l relying on a colleague's help (peer editing)
 l using a grammar reference book
 l developing a "Personal Errors Log".
In the next - and last - chapter, you'll have an opportunity to practise everything you've
learned.
See you there!
[ 2007-07-03 13:36 ]
Welcome to the final chapter of Writing For Results!
In the previous chapters, you learned about the Writing Process, a five-stage procedure to
help you write effective business correspondence.
In this chapter, you're going to practise everything you've learned as you write a letter
using the Writing Process.
When you finish your letter, you'll be able to compare it with an example provided by
HSBC.
Objectives

By the end of this chapter you'll have
l reviewed the Writing Process by completing a quick quiz and
l used the Writing Process to write a business letter in reply to a customer.
This means you'll have
l planned your document using 3 strategies
l organised your document using the SOFAR outline
l drafted your document by just writing - no editing
l revised your document using the "5 Cs" and
l edited your document for the four most common grammar errors.
So, by the end of this chapter you should be able to write documents that get the results
you want!
The Writing Process: A Quick Review
Before you begin writing your business letter, complete the following quiz. The ten
questions will help you review the Writing Process.
Choose the correct answer. For some questions, you can choose more than one answer.
1. What is the correct order for the 5 stages of the Writing Process?
A. Edit, Organise, Draft, Plan, Revise
B. Draft, Revise, Organise, Plan, Edit
C. Plan, Draft, Organise, Edit, Revise
D. Plan, Organise, Draft, Revise, Edit
2. What questions should you consider in the Planning stage?
A. What should I include as the background?
B. What does my reader need to know?
C. Why am I writing this letter?
D. What would I like my reader to do?
3. In the Planning stage, which strategy involves providing specific details or facts?
A. Background
B. Reader's Information
C. Reader's Response
D. Writer's Purpose
4. In the Organising stage, what is the correct order for the contents of the letter?
A. Background, Reader's Information, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Response
B. Background, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Response, Reader's Information
C. Background, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Information, Reader's Response
D. Background, Reader's Response, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Information
5. Which set of letters can help you remember the five parts of a business letter?
A. SORAF
B. FARSO

C. SROFA
D. SOFAR
6. What do you need to do in the third stage of the Writing Process?
A. check the document is complete
B. rewrite the document in a concise style
C. only write - don't edit!
D. check that all paragraphs are cohesive
7. What are the "5 Cs" of the Revising stage?
A. Concise
B. Cohesive
C. Complete
D. Considerate
E. Clear
F. Courteous
8. What makes a cohesive paragraph?
A. one topic sentence
B. supporting sentences
C. one main idea
D. transitions
9. What are the four "Ps" that make a letter courteous?
A. Polite
B. Personal
C. Practical
D. Positive
E. Professional
10. What common errors are checked in the fifth stage of the Writing Process?
A. sentences with two verbs
B. verbs + prepositions
C. passive verbs
D. word class
E. countable/uncountable nouns
Question Correct Answers
1. What is the correct order for the 5 stages
of the Writing Process?
Plan, Organise, Draft, Revise, Edit
2. What questions should you consider in the
Planning stage?
Why am I writing this letter?
What does my reader need to know?
What would I like my reader to do?
3. In the Planning stage, which strategy
involves "specific details or facts"?
Reader's Information
4. In the Organising stage, what is the
correct order for the contents of the letter?
Background, Writer's Purpose, Reader's
Information, Reader's Response

5. Which set of letters can help you
remember the five parts of a business letter?
SOFAR
6. What do you need to do in the third stage
of the Writing Process?
only write - don't edit!
7. What are the "5 Cs" of the Revising
stage?
Courteous, Clear, Concise, Complete, Cohesive
8. What makes a cohesive paragraph? one main idea, one topic sentence
supporting sentences, transitions
9. What are the four "Ps" that make a letter
courteous?
Polite, Personal, Positive, Professional
10. What common errors are checked in the
fifth stage of the Writing Process?
sentences with two verbs
verbs + prepositions
word class
countable/uncountable nouns
The Writing Process: Recommendations
Use the table below to identify which chapters you may need to review.
If you have the answer wrong for Then you need to review
Question 1 Introduction
Question 2 Chapter 1
[ 2007-07-04 10:04 ]
Final Exercise: The Task
You're going to use the Writing Process to write a reply to the following letter from a
customer, Billy Ng. There are five stages in the Writing Process, so there are five parts in
this final exercise.
Before you start the first stage, carefully read the letter from Billy Ng.
30 June 200X
Dear Mr Chan
I am sorry to inform you that a recent incident has negatively affected my good
impression of the Bank.

Allow me to explain. On 10 June 200X, I received my monthly Visa card statement.
Unfortunately, as I was on a business trip in mid-June, I was unable to send a cheque to
settle my account until 22 June 200X.
Then, on the evening of 26 June 200X, I had dinner with friends. Afterwards I tried to pay
the bill of HKD3,200 using my Visa card but it was rejected three times. In the end, to my
great embarrassment, my guests had to pay the bill for me.
Could you please look into this matter. I thought I had a credit limit of HKD20,000. If this
is the case, why was it not made available to me after I settled the June statement?
I am unhappy that the Bank has let an incident like this affect its services.
Yours sincerely
Billy Ng
Billy Ng
To better understand the situation, you need to check Billy Ng's records.
Bill Ng's payment record
The cheque received from Bill Ng

Monthly account statement for May
Final Exercise: Stage 1 - Planning
Now that you've read Billy Ng's letter and checked his records, you're ready to begin the
first stage of the Writing Process.
You're ready to start planning your document. You can use the information below as a
guide. If you need more help, you can refer to Chapter 1.
Writer's Purpose:
Why am I writing this letter?
Reader's Response:
What would I like my reader to do?
Reader's Information:
What does my reader need to know?

[ 2007-07-05 11:13 ]
这一节我们来继续 final exercise 接下来的步骤。
Final Exercise: Stage 2 - Organising
Now that you've finished planning your document, you're ready to begin the second stage
of the Writing Process.
You're ready to start organising your letter to Billy Ng. You can use the information below
to transform your plan into an outline. If you need more help, you can refer to Chapter 2
and Chapter 7.
30 June 200X
Dear Mr Chan
I am sorry to inform you that a recent incident has negatively affected my good
impression of the Bank.
Allow me to explain. On 10 June 200X, I received my monthly Visa card statement.
Unfortunately, as I was on a business trip in mid-June, I was unable to send a cheque to
settle my account until 22 June 200X.
Then, on the evening of 26 June 200X, I had dinner with friends. Afterwards I tried to pay

the bill of HKD3,200 using my Visa card but it was rejected three times. In the end, to my
great embarrassment, my guests had to pay the bill for me.
Could you please look into this matter. I thought I had a credit limit of HKD20,000. If this
is the case, why was it not made available to me after I settled the June statement?
I am unhappy that the Bank has let an incident like this affect its services.
Yours sincerely
Billy Ng
Billy Ng
ORGANIZE
S (Salutation)
O (Opening & Purpose)
F (Facts)
A (Action)
R (concluding Remarks)
Final Exercise: Stage 3- Drafting
Now that you've finished organising your document, you're ready to begin the third stage
of the Writing Process.
You're ready to start drafting your letter to Billy Ng. If you need more help, you can refer
to Chapter 3.
Remember: Only write - don't edit!
Final Exercise: Stage 4 - Revising
Now that you've finished drafting your document, you're ready to begin the fourth stage of
the Writing Process.
You're ready to start revising your document.
There is a lot work to do in the fourth stage. You can start by revising the first two "Cs"
first.
You need to revise your letter to Billy Ng by making sure your
 l document is complete and
 l paragraphs are cohesive.
If you need more help you can refer to Chapters 3 and 4.

You can continue revising your letter to Billy Ng on the basis of three more 'Cs'.
You need to revise your letter to Billy Ng by making sure your sentences are
 l clear
 l concise and
 l courteous.
If you need more help you can refer to Chapters 5 and 6.
[ 2007-07-06 11:18 ]
在进行写作的最后一步之前，我们还有个重要问题：页面的 layout。
Final Exercise: Business Letter Layout
You're about to learn something important about the layout of a business letter. You need
to know this before you can begin the fifth stage of the Writing Process.
The layout - or format - of a business letter refers to its design. The layout affects the way
the words of the document are placed on a page.
There are a number of different layout styles. HSBC uses the full-blocked style.

In the full-blocked style, all parts of the letter start at the left margin. As a result, it's easy
to type and easy to read. It is one of the most common styles used in business today.
Writers and readers both like it.
HSBC also uses open punctuation.
In open punctuation, no punctuation is used in
 l the reader's address
 l the salutation (Dear...)
 l the complimentary close (eg Yours sincerely).
Whenever you write a business letter, you should use the full-blocked style with open
punctuation... like the letter below.
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
We sent you the Phone Payment service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Writing a Letter: Stage 5 - Editing
You've finished revising your document. You also know the layout of a business letter. So,
you're ready to begin the fifth stage of the Writing Process.

You're ready to start editing your letter to Billy Ng. This is your final step. Make sure you
use
 l the full-blocked layout style and
 l open punctuation.
In addition, remember to check your document for the four most common grammar
problems:
 l verb + verb (two verbs in a sentence)
 l verb + preposition
 l countable/uncountable nouns
 l word class.
You will also find it helpful to work with a friend... and to use a dictionary and a grammar
reference book. If you need more help, you can refer to Chapter 8.
You can compare your letter with an example provided by HSBC.
An example provided by HSBC
4 July 200X
Mr Billy Ng
Fairview Court
Fortress Hill
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Ng
Visa Card 4966 0400 0125 5672
Thank you for your letter of 30 June. We are very sorry to hear that you are unhappy
with our service.
Please let me explain the situation.
We have checked our records carefully. Although your letter with the cheque for
HKD19,900 was post-marked 24 June, it did not reach us until 1 July. As a result, on 26
June the available balance was only HKD100. Therefore, the transaction for HKD3,200
exceeded the limit of HKD20,000 and was not successful.
To avoid a similar situation in the future, may I make several suggestions. You may
want to settle your account by using one of our automated teller machines located all
over Hong Kong. You might also consider using our auto-pay service. If you would like

to do this, simply complete the enclosed form and return it to us. We will do the rest.
I hope this information is helpful.
Yours sincerely
AL Chan
AL Chan
Manager
Encl
Well Done!
You have now completed this course!
Now that you've finished, three things should have happened.
First of all, you should have improved your English reading skills. Second, you should have
improved your English writing skills. Finally, you should have learned how to learn by
yourself.
HSBC hopes that this course has helped you and that you will be able to use what you've
learned.

Chinese english writing skill - 商务写作教程

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