Chapter 11Relationships with Romantic Partners1

Chapter 11
Relationships with Romantic Partners
1
Defining Romantic Relationships
We experience different types of love.
Liking and Loving
Liking: Feeling of affection and respect that we typically have
for our friends
Loving: Deeper and more intense emotional experience
consisting of intimacy, caring, and attachment
Different Types of Romantic Love (1 of 3)
Passionate love: A state of intense emotional
and physical longing for union with another
Breeds excessively idealistic thinking
All cultures feel passionate love
No gender or age differences exist
Integrally linked with sexual desire
Negatively related to relationship duration

4
Companionate love: An intense form of liking defined by
emotional investment and deeply intertwined lives
Common in long-term relationships
Six other types of romantic love
Storge: Friendly lovers
Agape: Forgiving lovers
Mania: Obsessive lovers
Pragma: Practical lovers
Ludus: Game-playing lovers
Eros: Romantic lovers
Key Elements of Romantic Relationships (1 of 2)
Romantic relationship: A chosen interpersonal involvement in
which the participants perceive the bond as romantic
Key Elements of Romantic Relationships (2 of 2)
Perception
Diversity

Choice
Commitment
Tensions
Must manage relational dialectics
Communication
Proximity
Mere exposure effect: Idea that you become more attracted to
those you have frequent contact with
Physical Attractiveness
Beautiful-is-good effect: Beautiful people are seen as
competent, intelligent, and well adjusted.
Matching: We tend to form long-term relationships with people
who are similar to us in physical attractiveness.
Similarity
We’re attracted to those we perceive as similar to ourselves.
Known as the birds-of-a-feather effect
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Reciprocal Liking

Reciprocal liking: Potent predictor of attraction
We tend to be attracted to people who are attracted to us.
Resources
Social exchange theory: We’re drawn to those offering benefits
with few associated costs.
Equity: Balance of benefits and costs exchanged by you and the
other person
Inequity: One person is overbenefited or underbenefited.
Technology and Romantic Attraction
Despite its convenience, technology evokes tensions when it
comes to dating.
Online self-presentations can be false.
Your partner will discover the truth.
We strive to accentuate attractive attributes and ask a friend to
assess.
Relationship Development and Deterioration
All romantic relationships undergo stages marked by distinctive
patterns in partners’ communication, thoughts, and feelings.
Coming Together
Stages of coming together

Initiating
Experimenting
Intensifying
Integrating
Bonding
Coming Apart
Stages of coming apart
Differentiating
Circumscribing
Stagnating
Avoiding
Terminating
Maintaining Romantic Relationships
We can harness our communication skills and invest the effort
necessary to maintain our love.
Maintenance Strategies (1 of 3)
Relational maintenance: Using communication and supportive
behaviors to sustain a relationship
Seven relational maintenance strategies

Positivity
The most important maintenance tactic
Assurances
Supportive messages about relationship
Sharing tasks
Most frequently practiced
Relational maintenance strategies
Acceptance
Self-disclosure
Relationship talks
Social networks
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Maintaining Romance across Distance
Long-distance romantic relationships have been found to be
more satisfying and stable.
Three suggestions
Use technology to communicate.
Focus on positivity and assurances.
Avoid idealistic expectations about eventual reunion.
Deciding Whether to Maintain
Four factors predict the survival of a relationship.

Degree to which a couple feels “in love”
Equity
Similarity
Network support
The Dark Side of Romantic Relationships
Betrayal
Jealousy
Intrusion
Violence
Betrayal
Romantic betrayal goes against relationship expectations,
causing a partner pain.
Sexual infidelity and deception trigger a sense of relational
devaluation and loss.
No simple solution or skill set exists.
Jealousy
Jealousy: A protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued
relationship
Self-reliance is the most effective way to deal with jealousy.
Wedging: Using online communication to try to insert oneself
between two romantic partners

Relational Intrusion
Relational intrusion: Violation of one’s privacy by a person who
desires a relationship
Monitoring and controlling
Invasion of privacy
Post-relationship intrusion can turn into stalking
Dating Violence
Dating violence affects millions and knows no demographic
boundaries.
Victims need a safety plan.
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Chapter 10
Managing Conflict and Power
1
Conflict and Interpersonal Communication
Most conflicts occur between people who know each other.
Thus, they occur during interpersonal communication.

What Is Conflict? (1 of 2)
Conflict occurs when people perceive incompatible goals,
scarce resources, or interference in achieving their objectives.
What Is Conflict? (2 of 2)
Conflict
Begins with perception
Involves clashes in goals or behaviors
Is a process
Is dynamic
Kitchen-sinking: Participant in the conflict shifts the topic and
hurls unrelated accusations, insults
Conflict in Relationships
Conflicts typically arise from:
Irritating partner behaviors
Disagreements regarding relationship rules
Personality clashes
Power and Conflict
Power: The ability to influence or control people and events

Power’s Defining Characteristics (1 of 2)
Power is always present.
Symmetrical relationships
Complementary relationships
Dyadic Power Theory: People with moderate power most likely
to use controlling communication
Power’s Defining Characteristics (2 of 2)
Power can be used ethically or unethically.
Power is granted.
Power influences conflicts.
Power Currencies
Power currency: A resource others value
Types of power currency
Resource currency
Expertise currency
Social network currency
Personal currency
Intimacy currency
Power and Gender
Power and gender intertwine.
In most nations, women still dramatically lack both economic
and political power compared with men.

Power and Culture
People are granted power according to:
Which power currencies they possess
How much those power currencies are valued in their culture
11
Handling Conflict
How you approach conflict affects the outcomes.
Approaches to Handling Conflict (1 of 3)
Avoidance: Ignoring a conflict, pretending it isn’t happening, or
communicating indirectly
Can take the form of skirting or sniping
Can lead to cumulative annoyance
Can lead to pseudo-conflicts
Accommodation: Abandoning one’s goals and acquiescing to
another person’s desires
Competition: Pursuit of one’s own goals without regard for
others’ goals

Can trigger defensive communication
Can lead to escalation
Reactivity: Communicating in an emotionally explosive and
negative fashion
Collaboration: Treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving
challenge
• Often results in compromise
• Usually the best way of handling conflict
Gender and Handling Conflict
When managing conflicts with women, encourage the open
expression of goals.
When managing conflicts with men, stress collaboration.
Culture and Handling Conflict
Individualistic and collectivistic cultures view conflict
differently.
Be aware of these differences when managing conflicts across
cultures.
Technology and Handling Conflict
Five suggestions

Wait and reread.
Assume the best and watch out for the worst.
Seek outside counsel.
Weigh your options carefully.
Communicate competently.
18
Conflict Endings
Many conflicts conclude more gradually than many people
would like.
Short-Term Conflict Resolutions
Short-term solutions
Separation
Domination
Compromise
Integrative agreements
Structural improvements
Long-Term Conflict Outcomes
Long-term conflict resolutions are best achieved through
collaborative approaches to conflict.

21
Challenges to Handling Conflict
Conflicts can spark destructive communication.
Self-Enhancing Thoughts
Mental checklist
Is my partner really uncooperative?
Is my partner really solely to blame?
Is the conflict really due to ongoing differences or actually due
to temporary factors?
Destructive Messages
Sudden-death statements: Declare sudden end of a relationship
Dirty secrets: Honest information that is meant to hurt the
recipient
Serial Arguments (1 of 2)
Serial arguments: Series of unresolved disputes, all having to do
with the same issue
Demand-withdraw patterns: One partner makes demands and the
other withdraws from the encounter

Serial Arguments (2 of 2)
Serial argument process model: Course that serial arguments
take is determined by:
Goals individuals possess
Approaches they adopt for dealing with the conflict
Consequent perception of whether or not the conflict is
resolvable
Physical Violence
Most destructive conflict challenge: physical violence
Chilling effect occurs when individuals stop discussing
relationship issues out of fear of their partners’ negative
reactions.
Unsolvable Disputes
Part of effectively managing conflict is accepting that some
conflicts are impossible to resolve.
Chapter 9
Communicating Nonverbally

1
Describing Nonverbal Communication (1 of 2)
Nonverbal communication: Intentional or unintentional
transmission of meaning through nonspoken physical and
behavioral cues
Describing Nonverbal Communication (2 of 2)
Nonverbal communication
Uses multiple channels
Is more ambiguous
Has fewer rules
Nonverbal Communication Has More Meaning
Mixed messages: Verbal and nonverbal behaviors that convey
contradictory meanings
People almost always trust nonverbal messages more than
verbal ones.
Nonverbal Communication Is Influenced by Culture
Most people need years of immersion in a culture before they
fully understand that culture’s nonverbal communication.

Nonverbal Communication Is Influenced by Gender
Women are better than men at sending and receiving nonverbal
messages.
Men are more territorial than women.
6
Nonverbal Communication Is Liberated through Technology
Various media to choose from
Better for long-distance relationships
Nonverbal and Verbal Combine to Create Communication
Both nonverbal and verbal communication are essential when
sending and receiving information.
Verbal and nonverbal communication are experienced not
separately, but together.
Nonverbal Communication Codes
Nonverbal communication codes: Means used for transmitting
information nonverbally
Communicating through Body Movements (1 of 2)
Kinesics: Visible body movements that communicate meaning

Facial expressions
Eye contact
Communicating through Body Movements (2 of 2)
• Gestures
Emblems
Illustrators
Regulators
Adaptors
• Posture: Conveys immediacy and power
Communicating through Voice
Vocalics: Vocal characteristics we use to communicate
nonverbal messages
Tone
Pitch
Loudness
Speech rate
12
Communicating through Touch
Haptics: Using touch to communicate
Six types of touch
Functional-professional touch
Social-polite touch

Friendship-warmth touch
Love-intimacy touch
Sexual-arousal touch
Aggressive-hostile touch
13
Communicating through Personal Space (1 of 3)
Proxemics: Communicating through physical distance
Intimate space
Personal space
Social space
Public space
14
Territoriality: Tendency to claim physical spaces as our own
and to define certain locations as areas we don’t want others to
invade without permission

Communicating through Physical Appearance
Physical appearance: Visible attributes such as hair, clothing,
and body type
Facial symmetry is considered attractive across cultures.
Clothing has a major impact on how others perceive you.
Communicating through Objects
Artifacts: Things we possess that express our identity to others
18
Communicating through the Environment
Environment: Physical features of our surroundings
Fixed features: Stable and do not change
Semifixed features: Easy to change
Functions of Nonverbal Communication
Nonverbal communication serves five functions:
Expresses emotions
Conveys meanings
Presents ourselves to others
Helps manage interactions
Defines relationships

20
Expressing Emotion
Affect displays: Intentional or unintentional nonverbal
behaviors that reveal actual or feigned emotions
Conveying Meanings
Indirect ways nonverbal cues augment verbal communication
Reiterating
Contradicting
Enhancing
Replacing
Spotlighting
Presenting Self
Nonverbal communication helps us present different aspects of
our self to others.
Managing Interactions
Eye contact, facial expressions help us regulate flow of
conversations.
Signal who speaks and for how long
Convey level of interest

Defining Relationships
Nonverbal communication helps to create intimacy, the feeling
of closeness between us and our partners.
Also allows us to express dominance or submissiveness
Competently Managing Your Nonverbal Communication
Three principles
Nonverbal speaks louder than verbal.
Nonverbal messages depend on context.
Nonverbal and verbal communication work together.
Chapter 8
Communicating Verbally
1
Describing Verbal Communication
Verbal communication: Exchange of spoken or written language
with others during interactions

Language Is Symbolic
Words are the primary symbols that we use to represent people,
objects, events, and ideas.
Language Is Governed by Rules
Constitutive rules: Define word meaning
Tell us which words represent which objects
Regulative rules: Govern how we use language when we
verbally communicate
Language Is Flexible
Personal idioms: Words and phrases that have unique meanings
Language Is Cultural
Members of a culture who speak the same language may
develop their own variations on that language, called dialects.
6
Language Evolves

Many view language as fixed, but it is actually constantly
changing.
We add new words to our language (e.g., tweet, app,
cyberbullying, sexting) and discard old ones.
Functions of Verbal Communication
Verbal communication serves many different functions in our
daily lives.
Sharing Meaning
Denotative meaning: Literal meaning of your words, as defined
by your culture
Connotative meaning: Additional understanding of a word’s
meaning based on the situation and on common knowledge
Shaping Thought
Linguistic determinism: The view that language defines the
boundaries of our thinking
Linguistic relativity: The view that people from different
cultures perceive the world in very different ways
Naming
Naming: Creating linguistic symbols for objects
One of humankind’s most profound and unique abilities

Performing Actions
Speech acts: The actions we perform with language
Crafting Conversations
Conversation:
Is interactive
Is locally managed
Is universal
Adheres to scripts
Conversational Pattern
figure 8.2
Managing Relationships
Verbal communication is the principal means through which we
maintain ongoing relationships.
Cooperative Verbal Communication
Cooperative verbal communication:

Is easily understood
Takes ownership with “I” language
Includes others with “we” language
Understandable Messages (1 of 2)
Cooperative Principle: We make our conversational
contributions as informative, honest, relevant, and clear as is
required.
This requires awareness of situational characteristics.
Honesty is most important.
Understandable Messages (2 of 2)
Misunderstanding: Misperceiving the thoughts, feelings, or
beliefs expressed in another’s verbal communication
If a message must be error-free or if it’s controversial, don’t use
e-mail or text messaging to communicate it.
Using “I” Language
“You” language: Places the focus of attention and blame on
other people
“I” language: Emphasizes ownership of your feelings, opinions,
and beliefs
Using “We” Language

“We” language: Emphasizes inclusion
Gender and Cooperative Verbal Communication
Women and men are more similar than different when verbally
communicating.
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Barriers to Cooperative Verbal Communication
Verbal aggression
Deception
Defensive communication
Communication apprehension
22
Verbal Aggression
Verbal aggression: The tendency to attack others’ self-concepts
rather than their positions on topics of conversation
Can evolve into bullying
Deception

Deception: Using uninformative, untruthful, irrelevant, or vague
language for the purpose of misleading others
Concealment is most common
Defensive Communication
Defensive communication (or defensiveness): Impolite
messages delivered in response to suggestions, criticism, or
perceived slights
Superiority messages
Indifference messages
Control messages
Dogmatic messages
25
Communication Apprehension
Communication apprehension: Fear or anxiety associated with
interaction
Communication plans: Mental maps describing how encounters
will unfold
Chapter 7
Listening Actively

Listening: A Five-Step Process
Listening
Receiving
Attending
Understanding
Responding
Recalling
Receiving
Hearing: Sound wave vibrations travel along acoustic nerves to
your brain.
Step 1: Receiving—seeing and hearing
Noise pollution can cause hearing impairment.
Attending
Step 2: Attending—devoting attention to the
information you’ve received
Salience is a factor in determining the extent of attending.
Limiting multitasking online improves attention.
Elevating your attention improves it.
Mental bracketing: Systematically putting aside irrelevant
thoughts
Understanding

Step 3: Understanding—interpreting meaning
New information is housed in short-term memory, compared
with your long-term memory.
5
Responding
Step 4: Responding—conveying your attention and
understanding after someone shares
Feedback: Given while others talk
Back-channel cues: Signal you’ve paid attention to and
understand specifics
Paraphrasing: Summarizing others’ comments after they’ve
finished talking
Recalling
Step 4: Recalling—remembering information
Mnemonics: Devices that aid memory
7
The Five Functions of Listening
Listening functions
Listening to comprehend
Listening to discern

Listening to analyze
Listening to appreciate
Listening to support
Adapting Your Listening Purpose
Essential part of active listening is adapting your listening
purposes to the changing demands of interpersonal encounters
Understanding Listening Styles
Both culture and gender affect listening styles.
Four Listening Styles
Listening style: Habitual pattern of listening behaviors
Action-oriented listeners
Time-oriented listeners
People-oriented listeners
Content-oriented listeners
Gender Differences in Listening Styles
Women: More likely to use people-oriented and content-
oriented styles
Men: More likely to use time-oriented and action-oriented
styles

Culture and Listening Styles
Effective listening varies across cultures.
In America: Time- and action-oriented listening styles
dominate.
In collectivistic cultures: People- and content-oriented listening
styles dominate.
Improving Listening Competence
Five types of incompetent listening
Selective listening
Eavesdropping
Pseudo-listening
Aggressive listening
Narcissistic listening
Selective Listening
Selective listening: Taking in only those bits and pieces of
information that are immediately salient and dismissing the rest
To overcome selective listening, practice techniques for
enhancing attention, like mental bracketing.
Eavesdropping
Eavesdropping: Intentionally and systematically setting up
situations so that you can listen to private conversations

Eavesdropping is both inappropriate and unethical.
Pseudo-Listening
Pseudo-listening: Behaving as if you’re paying attention when
you’re really not
17
Aggressive Listening
Aggressive listening (also called ambushing): Attending to
others solely to find an opportunity to attack them
Provocateurs: People who post online messages designed to
annoy others
18
Narcissistic Listening
Narcissistic listening: Self-absorbed listening
Ignoring what others say and redirecting the conversation to
oneself

19
Chapter 6
Understanding Gender
Understanding Gender
We are moving away from gender polarization in which
“virtually every other aspect of human experience” is connected
to male–female sex distinctions.
Gender fluid or genderqueer
Sex, Gender, and Gender Identity (1 of 3)
Sex: Anatomical, biological distinctions
External genitalia
Internal reproductive sex organs
Hormones
Chromosomes
Gender Identity: Deeply felt awareness or inner sense of being
A boy, man, or male;
A girl, woman, or female; or
An alternative
Genderqueer
Gender-nonconforming

Gender-neutral
4
Gender: The social, psychological, and behavioral attributes
that a particular culture associates with an individual’s
biological sex
Beliefs about individual characteristics
Strength, leadership, emotionality
Beliefs about roles in society
Parent, teacher, politician, CEO
5
Gender Is Learned
A variety of sources contribute.
Family and friends
Schools
Mass media
6
Gender Is Socially Constructed

Primary way we understand gender is by interacting with others
in society, as well as with societal structures
Hospitals
Stores
Public restrooms
Doing Gender
Gender is not static.
We cannot opt out of doing gender.
Gender is interactional.
Typical expectation: Gender expression coincides with sex.
Examples of societal resource for doing gender:
Public restrooms
“Lady Doritos”
8
Considering Gender Roles
Gender roles: Shared societal expectations for conduct and
behaviors that are deemed appropriate for girls or women and
boys or men
Girls and boys across the world encounter unequal gender
expectations and stereotypes.
Differences are socially, not biologically, determined.
Gender and Verbal Communication

Do differences exist?
Do we focus on the differences or the similarities?
Bulk of recent research suggests a lack of gender differences in
verbal communication.
Gender and Nonverbal Communication
The ways we use our bodies, voices, faces, and personal space
Emotional “mask” for boys and men
How we choose our clothing, accessories, personal objects
How we convey our emotions
Gender and Relationships (1 of 3)
Same-sex friendships
Are men’s same-sex friendships more “task-based or activity-
orientated” and women’s more “supportive and disclosive”?
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Romantic relationships
Assumptions:
Heterosexual bias
Men and women completely different
Men and women as homogenous groups
The Rules; Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Reflecting on gender in our relationships
We are never just one category, or piece of ourselves, but rather
the sum total of all of our individual experiences, cultures, and
co-cultures.
14
Moving Beyond Gender Stereotypes
Hostile sexism
Hostility toward women
Attitudes like “women are too easily offended”
Benevolent sexism
Promotion of traditional roles
Attitudes like “women should be cherished”
15

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