This document discusses conflict and strategies for resolving it constructively. It begins with quotes about the nature of conflict and how fears can undermine our abilities to address it. It then provides reasons people avoid conflict and strategies to help ensure crucial confrontations go well, such as staying calm, understanding other perspectives, agreeing where possible, and focusing on the problem not the person. The document offers approaches for resolving conflict, techniques for effective complaints, and tips for constructive discussions to manage issues and preserve relationships.

2. when parties with contrasting goals
come in contact with one another
Conflict Occurs

3. “Conflict is a lot
like water—
it spills over;
it flows downhill;
and if left
unchecked,
it erodes whatever
it touches.
And sometimes,
like red wine,
it stains.”
— Jason Fried

5. “Fear often undermines
our abilities…
robs us of our potential….
destroys our strength.”
—Harry Jackson

6.  We want to be liked. (“Leadership is about
doing the right thing, not the easy thing.”)
–Volkema
 We don’t have hope it could turn out well—
waste of time/energy
 It could escalate and bite us.
 We feel we are not good at these talks.
 Why else?
“We would rather harbor resentment
than risk rejection.” –Jim Putnam

7. “Misery loves company.”
10-80-10 example
!
@##__#

8. If you sweep enough
under the rug, it becomes
a tripping hazard.
!
@##__#

9. 4X to Have a Crucial Confrontation
1. When you are acting out your feelings-
unhealthy signals.
2. Your conscience is nagging you to step up to
the plate
3. You’re downplaying the cost of not taking
action while exaggerating the danger of
speaking up.
4. You figure that nothing you do will help: they
are impossible to talk to.

10. “An ounce of action is worth
a ton of theory.” –Fredrich Engels
You have to be convinced that the
consequences of staying the same are
worse than what could be on the other
side of this confrontation.

11. How to get what you want with
different Approaches
Person A and Person B
Communication Exercise

12. 5 APPROACHES
for Resolving Conflict

13. If you lose your cool, the issue will
now be about your reaction,
not their inappropriate behavior.

14. “In a multitude of counselors
there is safety.”

15. Do you have a conflict to deal
with right now?

16. “When I contemplate the
reactional criticisms
of hostile people, I can become
paralyzed with fear.
If I try to offend no one and please
everyone, I won’t be effective.”

17. “What happens is not as
important as how you
react to what happens.”
–Thaddeus Golas

18. Tough on the problem,
soft on the person.
How do we add/detract value
from people in conversations?

19. The Fool’s Choice is to
CHOOSE to PRESERVE
the relationship
OR
RESOLVE the ISSUE.

20. Hurting people
hurt other people.

21. Creating a Safer Situation
Show them how you specifically
understand how they feel.
Find a place to agree with them.
Make sure you are using “I statements…”

22. Pushing
My Buttons
Diffusing
Role Play
The goal is to get
the monkey off your
back when they throw
him there,
and back onto their
back by the conclusion
of the interaction.

23. • “You are singling me out, when
everyone else is doing it, too.”
• “C’mon. This isn’t the big deal
that you are making it.
I screwed up one time
and you smash me.”
• “That’s ridiculous. I don’t know
what you’re talking about.”
• “If you’d lead differently, I’d
behave differently.”
• “Everyone else thinks it’s stupid
that you enforce this rule.”
Pushing
My Buttons
Diffusing
Role Play

24. You are trying to
get
the person to
stop yelling
at the
closed door
(their past
pattern of behavior
that will no longer
be tolerated)
and look for the open door
(a new pattern they can
commit to).

25. “From caring
comes courage.”
–LaoTzu

26. STAR:
Specific
Target +
Action they did +
Result it caused

27. Make a
Complaint

28. MT:(Manager Tools)
“May I give you some feedback?
When you __________ (negative or
positive behavior), it demonstrates
_______________ (negative/positive
consequence to the team/company).
Would you please work on
changing that?”

29. PRACTICE:
“Your direct report is being a wet blanket
whenever a new idea is presented in your
team meetings. He/she interrupts the
person offering the idea, immediately
shoots at the idea with comments of why
it won’t work, rolls his/her eyes and gives
other negative body language, then checks
out during the ensuing discussion.”

30. “Being heard is so close to
being loved that for the
average person, they are
almost indistinguishable.”
–David Augsberger

31. Drive resolution down to
the lowest level.
LEAD:
Listen…Empathize…
Apologize….Discuss

32. Life Coaching & Professional Development
Certified Life Coach

33. Bottom Line:
Be a plow,
not a bulldozer,
in resolving
conflict!