Talking about topics like gender, race, sexual orientation, and class can raise anxiety for many people, and yet we must have the conversation in our schools and our lives in order to be more inclusive and change the world for the better. What are the fears and common pitfalls that keep us from broaching courageous conversations? Gain practical skills for responding to hurtful experiences and engaging in courageous conversations.
1. Polytechnic School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Safe to Brave:
Engaging in Courageous Conversations
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
3. Agenda
Current Realities
Recap of Last Time
Emotion Regulation and Resilience
Questions and Answers
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
4. Current Realities
Political Polarization
COVID-19
Black Lives Matter
Immigration, Detention Centers, Etc.
Mass Shootings
Climate Change and Denial
And More…
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
6. Safety Versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain
myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
True dialogue happens in an environment where everyone is
safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
7. Moving Conversations
from Safe to Brave
Controversy with Civility
Ownership of intent and impact
Challenge by choice – with reflection
Respect in all its multiplicity
Pointed challenges, not personal attacks
Mindfulness of the true source of emotions
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
8. Debunking Some Myths
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
All or None
Mistakes
Apologies
“Tonsils” Theory
Vulnerability
11. Speaking From the Heart
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
12. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Can you lean on the
relationship?
Can you make it personal?
* Is your relationship
hierarchical? *
13. Being A DEAR
Affirm the person or relationship
Describe the behavior without judgment
Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
Assume positive intent
Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
14. You are a good friend. I have so much fun
with you, and I can tell you anything. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got
98%, I heard you say, “Well of course you got
a 98% - you’re Asian!” I was pretty hurt when I
heard that. I work hard in all my classes to get
good grades, but so many people assume it’s
because of my race. It’s sad that I don’t get to
own my accomplishments like everyone else.
I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean for me to feel
that way. Can I ask that you please don’t say
things like that anymore?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Being A DEAR: An Example
16. Are you speaking to the agent or
the audience?
Do you want to minimize harm to
the target group?
Do you want to educate?
Do you want to challenge social
norms?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
17. NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
Build the Relationship
Stop the Behavior
Win an Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
18. Ask open ended questions
– “He’s acting like a sissy”
– “How’s he acting? And why is that sissy?”
Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students”
– “Tell me more about about that.”
Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “You’re gay – what do gay people think about this issue?”
– “I’m not sure – I’ll go ask. It may take me a while, since there are so many of us.”
Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got into that school because she’s Black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
Black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ or ‘affirmative action’
stuff rather than that she earned it.”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Active Witnessing: Examples
19. Listening to the Real Message
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
20. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Is this about what you did or
who you are (guilt or shame)?
What is your mindset voice
telling you?
Might this be an opportunity to
learn and grow?
21. Listening and Responding Bravely
Listen with full attention
Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
22. Listening and Responding: Examples
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
“I really appreciate your telling me this.”
“I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
“I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
“I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. After I take a
few minutes, do you think you can help me come
up with a better way to handle that situation?”
“I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”
23. What About Group Conversations?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
24. Fears and Anxieties that Keep Us
from Having Conversations
Offending
Losing Face
Tokenism
Social Risk
Bursting the Bubble
Rocking the Boat
Conflict
Lack of “Authority”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
25. Pitfalls and Obstacles that Keep Us
from Conversing Again
Outbursts
Silence
Denial
The Good Talk
Teacher vs. Facilitator
Personal Attacks
The Quick Fix
Leadership Oppression
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
26. Learning Zones
and Performing Zones
Learning Zone: You engage deeply in the areas of
weakness. You actively seek new information,
strategies, and feedback for adoption. You embrace
mistakes in this low-stakes environment.
Performing Zone: You showcase your areas of strength
(e.g. a competition routine). You engage in new
information, strategies, and feedback in relation to
your current thinking (e.g. PhD defense). You minimize
mistakes in this potentially high-stakes environment.
Make sure you know what zone you’re in SO THAT YOU
CAN MAXIMIZE THE BENEFITS OF THAT SPACE.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
27. Comparing Dialogue and Debate
Dialogue is collaborative. Debate is oppositional.
In dialogue, one listens in order to understand and find
meaning. In debate, one listens in order to find flaws and
to counter arguments.
Dialogue reveals assumptions for reevaluation. Debate
defends assumptions as truth.
Dialogue calls for temporarily suspending one’s beliefs.
Debate calls for investing wholeheartedly into one’s
beliefs.
In dialogue, one searches for basic agreements. In
debate, one searches for glaring differences.
Dialogue remains open-ended. Debate implies a
conclusion.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Adapted from Shelley Bennan, Dialogue Group, Boston Chapter, Educators for Social Responsibility
28. Polarity Thinking
Cognition marked by flexibility and
elasticity that enables individuals to
recognize and navigate the countless
opposing yet interdependent energies
that manifest in all life. Polarity thinking
transforms ‘either/or’ contrasts into
‘both/and’ formulations that allow for
mutually-satisfying, stable, and
predictable gains in personal and
professional life.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Caroline Blackwell, National Association of Independent Schools
29. Polarities, Not Binaries
Equality and Equity
Free Speech and Inclusive Speech
Diversity and Inclusion
Diversity and Unity
Systems Work and Individual Work
Calling Out and Calling In
Heat (protests, disruption, opposition) and
Light (education, patience, collaboration)
Safety and Bravery
Accommodation and Assimilation
Change and Tradition
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
30. Polarity Mapping
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Caroline Blackwell, National Association of Independent Schools
32. Talking to One Another
Create Safety and Courage
Express Feelings
Generate Questions
Share Facts
Learn More
Complicate Thinking
Take Action
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
34. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)