PNAIS Fall Conference 2009 Alternative Aggression
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Presentation for PNAIS Fall Educator's Conference lunchtime breakout session. Presentation on gender, bias, and aggression in adolescent girls. Frequently called "girl bullying," alternative aggression is a critical issue for educators and parents in raising strong and resilient girls.
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PNAIS Fall Conference 2009 Alternative Aggression
- 1. Index Card Thought Bubble When it comes to girls’ alternative aggression, bullying, “mean girls & queen bees,” what are your greatest questions or fears? What do you hope to get out of our session today? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 2. PNAIS Fall Conference Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Sugar and Spice but Not Always Nice: Gender, Bias, and Aggression in Adolescent Girls Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 5. Disclaimers and Other Food for Thought Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 6. Gender Differences Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 8. Adolescence “ Teenagers [are like] people constantly on LSD. People on acid are intense, changeable, internal, often cryptic and uncommunicative, and, of course, dealing with a different reality.” Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 9. Changes Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 10. Special Considerations Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Sexy --- Slutty Powerful --- Bitchy Smart --- Bookish Cheerful --- Uncool Confident --- “All That” Athletic --- Jocky Close to Friends --- Lesbian
- 11. At the Crossroads Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 13. Relational Aggression includes acts that “harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.” Relational Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 14. Indirect Aggression allows the perpetrator to avoid confronting the target directly, making it seem as though there is no intent to harm. Indirect Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 15. Social Aggression Social Aggression is intended to damage self esteem or social status within a group. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 16. Alliance Building Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 17. Clique Exclusiveness Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 18. Outliers of Alternative Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 25. Questions and Answers Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 26. Presenter Information Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Faculty and Community Outreach Seattle Girls’ School 2706 S. Jackson Street Seattle, WA 98144 (206) 709-2228 x 219 Fax (206) 329-1580 [email_address] Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Editor's Notes
- Introduction - Who Am I? Why This Workshop? Goals and Outcomes?
- Keep in Mind - material speaks in generalities and norms. Girls, their social development, etc. can fall outside of the information given, and they are completely normal. Making blanket assumptions are dangerous, and norms do not define normal or good. Gender norms can easily become Sexism. Adolescent norms can easily become adultism.
- John Medina - Talaris Institute Watching boys and girls play. Boys play together through competition (Oh yeah? I bet I can toss the ball higher than you!) Girls play collaboratively (Can you toss the ball as high as me? Let’s try a little higher). Mix boys and girls (G-Wanna toss the ball? B-I bet I can toss the ball higher than you! G-You must not like me… B-What happened?) Rachel Simmons - Odd Girl Out Response to danger. Boys choose “fight or flight.” Girls choose “tend and befriend.” Males see aggression as a way to control their world, females see aggression as an end to relationships. Mary Pipher - Reviving Ophelia Boys see their failure in terms of external factors and see their success in terms of their ability. Girls see their success in terms of luck and hard work and see their failure in terms of lack of ability. Power Dead Even - women/girls will do anything to bring down another woman/girl to their level
- Cannot attribute all to gender differences. Gender bias plays a huge role. We socialize kids into these behaviors. What happens when boys display behavior on left? “Boys will be boys…” What happens when girls display behavior on right? “Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice!” What happens when gender behaviors don’t match gender expectations? Boys are pushed into sports, fights, getting dirty, building things, scientific investigation by adults and pushed down by peers with words like “Sissy, girl, pussy, fag.” Girls are told to play nice, share, be ladylike, punished harsher for fighting,complimented on looks by adults and put down by peers with words like “butch, jock, bitch, dyke.” Rachel Simmons - Odd Girl Out Ideal girl according to girls = very thin, pretty, blonde, fake, stupid, tall, blue eyes, big boobs, fit, expensive clothes, un-proportional, naked, trendy, popular, boyfriends, smiling, happy, helpless, talking on the phone, superficial conflicts, looks older, girlie, dependent, impractical clothes, manipulative, sex = power, rich, good teeth/clear skin, smart, perfect, romantically attached with someone with status. Anti-girl according to girls = mean, ugly, excessively cheerful, athletic, brainy, opinionated, pushy, dark features, not skinny, imperfections, promiscuous, professional, insecure, dorky, depressed/unhappy, masculine, serious, strong, independent, gay/lesbian, artsy, PMSish, unrestrained, egocentric, not social, hard to get along with, bookish.
- Mary Pipher Period of overgeneralization. Overgeneralization. One affront = I have no friends. One good grade = academic diva. Uncle says I would make a good nurse = I should become a nurse. One friend gets a ride to school = everyone gets a ride to school. A quirky habit of a parent = everyone thinks you’re a dork. A few household chores = I do all the work around here. Girls deal with painful thoughts, discrepant information, and cognitive confusion in ways that are true or false to the self. The temptation is to shut down, to oversimplify, and to avoid the hard work of examining and integrating experiences. Girls who operate from a false sense of self often reduce the world to a more manageable place by distorting reality. Cults = someone does thinking for you. Anorexia = everything comes down to weight.
- Mary Pipher - Academic, Physical, Emotional, Thinking, Social, Spiritual Selves all in flux and all developing at different paces! Joanne Deak - Peers become really important. Starting to pull away from parent(s). Seeking personal power. Wide range of behaviors fit under the “normal for this age” category.
- You must be this to be accepted, but you cannot be too much so, because that is not acceptable. No one knows where the boundaries are, so girls walk very tentatively along this knife’s edge. Naomi Wolf (Promiscuities) - Common and natural sexual curiosity, infatuation, admiration, and intimacy found among adolescent girls – the building anticipation of those feelings transferring to boys. Simultaneous excitement and sadness about the loss of intimacy among girls, which is inevitable./Continuum of women’s sexuality. Beyond a certain point of sexual power and liberation, she is deserving of violence and dehumanization. She can be cast out and killed both physically and emotionally./The acceptable promiscuity of white middle class sub-urban sexuality – it happens, but it happens quietly, out of sight, and outside of mainstream public face, which is pristine, neat, and “nice.” Those who fall outside of these norms are called “sluts.” Magic, Supernatural Power - obsession with Ouija Boards, witchcraft, cults. Perhaps meaning of the universe can be found in these magical charms, spells, and spirits. Tolkien novels, Lloyd Alexander novels, Harry Potter series. These all deal with young people, common people, discovering the existence of ACTUAL power and learning to wield it wisely through trials and tribulations. Kids sense that they are living mundane lives without personal power, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are unique in the universe and have great power, if only “life” would happen. Adoptees become obsessed with learning about “real” parents. Principal - dress code - kids these age need something to resist. I’d rather give them this simple thing to resist than open up the resistence to bigger, more serious matters. A whole lot of “why”s” - why do I have to do this, why do you always, why not, etc… Joanne Deak - “I think that the only reason we teenagers rely so much on what our friends say is because we are testing what our parents taught us, to make sure it was right.” – Elizabeth, 17. Resiliency and Vibrancy - Stuck between not supporting our girls through emotional and/or social landmines and treating them so tenderly a la Nation of Wimps. Very few girls retain resiliency and vibrancy. You can tell who has retained vs regained her vibrancy.
- You seek relationships. You seek acceptance. You seek stability and reassurance. You want independence from adults. You seek personal power. You seek meaning and direction in your life. You experience conflict (as anyone is wont to do). You know girls who fight are supposed to be catty bitches. You know that good, nice, pretty girls are supposed to have friends. You know that friends are supposed to like you. You know that your value lies in your “niceness.” You also know that nice girls become girlfriends. Loud girls become friends who are girls. You are supposed to be attractive and desirable as a girlfriend. What do you do?
- Alternative aggression defines any behavior that expresses anger in ways other than direct words or physical aggression. It has been happening for years among girls, but only recently has the literature come more into the mainstream with books like Odd Girl Out and Queen Bees and Wannabes and movies like Mean Girls.
- Rachel Simmons - Girls don’t want to express anger directly to the person that caused it for fear of losing that relationship. There are problems when direct confrontation happens. Because so many girls lack facility with everyday conflict expression of anger makes listeners skittish and defensive. The sound of someone upset feels like the first sign of impending isolation, a kind of social thunder echoing in the distance. Result: relational aggression - silent treatment. Not inviting someone. Stares and glares. I won’t be friends with you if…” Pretending the person isn’t there. Sabotaging a relationship.
- Rachel Simmons - Plague of the “sorry”: perfunctory like “bless you.” Really means, I don’t want to lose you so let’s call truce. But incident is recorded in memory to bring up at a later fight. Rumors - someone else does the “dirty work”
- Can’t you take a joke? Gosh you are such an over-reactor. Eye rolling. Sarcasm. Mocking. Plague of the “I’m just kidding.” “Can’t you take a joke?” Girl making comment is really taking a jab to release aggression but keeps the “nice girl” thing by saying she was kidding. The girl on receiving end is hurt but won’t say because she doesn’t want to be “hypersensitive girl,” someone no one likes. For boys who have other outlets for anger, one-up teasing each other is actually a joke. For girls who have no other outlets, joking takes on another meaning altogether.
- Rachel Simmons Girls don’t want to express anger directly to the person that caused it for fear of losing that relationship. They go to a third party to release that anger. “Just for Advice,” they’ll say, but they’re getting the release they need and forging another relationship with the person they’re going to. Girls on the listening end condone and even encourage because it lets them forge a relationship and do the supporting and caring that “nice girls” are supposed to do. In the meantime, the person who is the target of a minor anger now is put in the receiving end of triangulation, the minor conflict is never resolved, and a larger relationship conflict arise. For these girls, absorbing anger is just as frightful as voicing it. The idea that they may be “at fault” or “wrong” makes them uneasy, and it can breed panic and impulsive decision-making. In many cases, they grasp for whatever will move the harsh spotlight away from them and onto someone else; sometimes using alliance building, they grasp for a girl who will stand with them and assure them of continuous, unconditional friendship. Raised in a culture that prizes sweetness, what feels right to these girls is an anxious scramble to remain the “good” girl; to hold up a mirror to their friends, and instead of listening, point out a past infraction. Needless to say, such conflicts escalate swiftly, often leaving both girls filled with regret and fear.
- Rachel Simmons The fear of isolation fuels some girls to stay in bad relationships, it can inspire controlling behavior in girls as well. Adrienne Rich said that a person who does not tell the truth “lives in fear of losing control. She cannot even desire a relationship without manipulation, since to be vulnerable to another person means for her a loss of control. Currency of secrets and lies. The popularity race shines a harsh, relentless spotlight on its contenders, raising the stakes on everything they say and do, making every utterance and outfit subject to peer punishment, reward, or worse, indifference. The feeling of constant scrutiny creates an unpredictable social landscape that frequently causes sudden changes in behavior, so that many girls become different people depending on who they’re with. There is a movement within feminism that believes the female orientation to relationship and connection – to nurturing and care-giving – gives women a uniquely wise approach to their world. Popularity, however, turns this phenomenon on its head. In the race to be cool, some girls turn friendship into a series of deals and calculations, using friendship as much to destroy as to build. Relationship is no longer simply and end; it is also a means. Getting ahead socially means new relationships must be targeted and formed, old ones dismissed and shed. Price of popularity – Brown and Gilligan: she sacrifices her connections to her true feelings in order to remain in less authentic relationships with others. Not a big deal, jut what happens – When politics of popularity devastate Why is it so many of us are well trained to spot destructive images portraying girls as thin and beautiful, but we overlook the subtext of the race for popularity: that a girl must be liked, even worshipped by their peers, often at the expense of authentic relationships? If some girls who want to be skinny starve themselves, some girls trying to be popular destroy one another. This makes popularity, and the race for it, as dangerous an issue for girls as weight, appearance, and sexuality. For some girls, it feels easier to believe someone else’ story rather than have their own. If they can know themselves as at fault and in need of forgiveness, they can continue to believe in the relationship rather than feel that they have been cast out of the circle of friendship. When politics of popularity devastate girls’ relationship, loss is multilayered. Loss of someone she loves and trusts. Loss of social status. Loss of self esteem (for which she blames herself). She learns a new dark understanding of relationships as a tool. And where the abandonment is public and followed by cruelty, there is public scorn and shame. Popular girls are NOT blissful. Danger of losing herself en route to the inner sanctum. Once there, must police herself as harshly as others to maintain her status. “If they’re talking about other people, what are they saying about me?”
- Rachel Simmons Cultural confusion. You tell me to be nice, but my mom says don’t stay hit. You tell me ambition, independence, and individual achievement, but my culture says interconnectivity and collectivism. I don’t even want to fight you, but I have my reputation to keep. Hitting rock bottom is sometimes the only place you can see the route to up and out. Physical aggression is summarily and swiftly punished, especially with girls. This reaction is a subliminal message of condoning the hidden stuff. If you know your kid WILL face degradation and devaluing, what would you say to them? Women and girls who speak their minds are often labeled “bitch” and “loudmouth” – a common terminology for black, latino, and lower-income women who are socialized to speak their minds and defend themselves. JoAnn Deak - 20 percenters information
- Children experiencing bullying are more likely to have suicide ideation, experiment with drugs, participate in risky behaviors. Bullied students experience social loneliness, social invisibility, discomfort with parents and administrators who do not validate or understand their plight. Psychological pain registers in same area of brain as physical pain. We’re not hypersensitive about physical bruises, we’re worried about long term psychological impact anyway. Same impact of physical bullying as indirect aggression. Students experiencing bullying often experience a sharp drop of focus and grades in school. Baumeister Studies on effects of social exclusion - drop of scores on academic tests. Baumeister studies also show that people who even THINK they are being socially excluded become less helpful and productive members of groups and become increasingly aggressive - school shootings are NOT a mystery when you look at the kids involved. Hundreds of grown women still carry the scars of bullying. Not a coincidence that middle school years are among the most hated memories of people’s childhood. Behavior in relationships later on very much reflective of how the woman travailed through her adolescence. Our sense of worthlessness follows us on a systemic level (leadership, abusive relationships, self-preservation). Naomi Wolf - Women face isolation of male-dominated culture. Mass women’s culture found almost exclusively in magazines. Do and don’t tone of women’s magazines unimaginable in men’s magazines
- Policy - When schools don’t have an explicit policy, teachers have no legs to stand on in dealing with these matters. Kids know it’s happening, teachers know it’s happening, but there is no real response when parents or students say “it’s just what happens at this age,” or “what’s the big deal?” Programming - As Gary Howard always said, “You can’t teach what you don’t know.” Give teachers support in learning about alternative aggression, how to recognize it, and what to do about it. Teachers and staff also need to stop repeating the cycle of gender bias unwittingly and punishing girls more harshly for acts of aggression or acting out in general. Students need support, too. If girls don’t know how to deal with conflict, they will resort to what they know and what is safer. Practice - Adults jump on kids “don’t say” “don’t do” but don’t always follow through with meaningful follow-up. These same things then get driven underground to be used when adults aren’t around. They become the very weapons of bullying, which occurs in spaces where there is less adult supervision. Swift and clear consequences must follow acts of alternative aggression, and further explanation and training must reinforce the policy and programming. Adults also need to commit to being more visible in unsupervised spaces like bathrooms, hallways, lunch rooms, etc. to increase safety for all kids from all forms of bullying.
- Utilize those bystanders - they make up nearly 70% of the population - rally them to set a positive tone for the entire school (they’re like the ants in A Bug’s Life!). In diversity work, they are the allies who can really make some changes in the world, those who can carve a new path away from the “path of least resistance.”
- Final Tidbits: -teach first and refer to later. We have a tendency to see it happen & react with education. -there are times and places for interventions. What is important is that SOMETHING is done in the moment, and that there is ALWAYS follow-up -don’t let girls get away with a quick “sorry.” they know how to please adults. Get authentic conversation out of them. -practice, practice, practice. The more clever, poignant, and effective language comes out on the third try :-)